The aftermath of a devastating relationship - deja vu

[RomanticFool]

So, I haven't shared on here for a while as my life has been going through a major change. Most notably my wife and I have decided to go on a trial separation. She has moved out of the house we share and gone to live with a friend. This was a mutual decision and it was surprisingly quick and easy once we admitted to each other that our relationship was in serious trouble. For those of you who don't know, I have been involved in a long term on/off relationship with a married woman who I suspect has BPD traits. I have had well documented traumas dealing with my emotions relating to the affair woman and also trying to pluck up the courage to deal with my marriage also. Once my wife moved out the first thing I did was tell my married lover that I am going away for three weeks abroad to deal with the fall out from my separation. She immediately rang me and wanted to know all the details. I told her it was a mutual decision but I need a break to deal with my emotions. She told me I could contact her at any time. I said I wouldn't be doing that as I no longer wanted to live a lie. I told her that while she is married I will never meet her in person. That did not go down very well.

I didn't actually go abroad, I went to the North of England for 3 weeks to work. My wife knew my whereabouts and we kept lines of communication open and are getting on very well. However, while I was away, something unexpected happened. A woman in the area where I was working, contacted me on Twitter having seen me at a work event. She told me that she found me funny and entertaining and since I am from out of town would I like her to show me around. I was very hesitant but agreed since I found her interesting.

Long story short, we had a lovely afternoon just walking around the town and visiting galleries.I felt an instant connection with her as she was very open and great fun. In the car on the way home, she played David Bowie and danced in her seat. Then right at the end of our day out as she dropped me at my hotel, I moved in for a kiss. She pulled back and revealed that she was married with 4 children. I was utterly dumbfounded. I got out the car and quickly went inside. The next day she asked to meet me to explain. I refused but eventually she talked me into it as she felt upset. She explained that she has been a bad person in the past and that this is her second marriage but she wants to stay faithful to her husband. She said she found a connection with me when we met at the work event but didn't realise that she would feel the way she does. I told her that I liked her a great deal and it was unfair of her to put me in this position. I said she should never have contacted me when she is married and knew there was no chance of a relationship (YES I SEE THE IRONY). We parted with me telling her that what she was responding to was meeting an emotional equal. I told her that in my case that would be a disaster for us both as I am obsessive, unreliable and currently in terrible emotional pain. I told her that I do not want to be friends as I find her unboundaried and giving mixed signals. I told her that I have enough emotional crap to deal with currently. She asked if there was a middle way that we could be friends instead of lovers or strangers. I told her that I do not want to get involved in any way with another married woman.

I have now returned home and of course my exBPD lover has been contacting me but I have ignored all of her messages over the last 3 weeks. However, my wife contacted me today and told me that she loves me and misses me and I broke down in tears because she is the only good thing in my life. I don't know what to do. I am in terrible emotional pain.

RF

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-
Perhaps... .perhaps... .you can and will truly feel your way to respond to the woman who loves you for you.  Your wife.  Could really be something there for both of you.  In your heart of hearts, you know that there has been an intrusion of sorts during the last 14+ years in your marriage. 

What could happen if there were in fact ONLY two of you in the marriage (with no ghosts)?

As for the woman in the north of England... .good for you!  Please keep your strength, boundary and that door sealed shut!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-

Sorry, I also want to say... .I'm glad you're back.  I understand the turmoil and sadness.  It's so hard to process this alone.  It's good having family to travel this journey alongside you.

Xo,
Gemsforeyes

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Gemsforeyes.

I have to say that I am coming to the conclusion that I am as much a problem to myself as any woman has been. It is very sad because I think my life has been blighted by this love/sex addiction impulse that draws me towards high intensity relationships. Isn’t it ironic that in the face of these broken relationships I understand the woman with BPD traits better than ever. Perhaps my pathology is a little different to hers but my feelings are the same: emptiness, yearning and a desire to be loved while eschewing all of those who do love me unless it is high octane with an element of danger. Perhaps it is what makes me feel alive or perhaps I associate love with anxiety and extreme emotion.

My wife loves me there is no doubt. I think I love her but I am not sure of anything anymore. I’ve become so used to feeling pain anything else doesn’t feel like living. I don’t know whether I am coming or going at present.

[Insom]

Hi, RomanticFool.  I won't say it's good to see you back here becuase I know you're in a lot of pain.  But I am glad you decided to check back in.  You and I joined this site around the same time, I think, so I'm familiar with your backstory.

I don't know what to do. I am in terrible emotional pain.

Do you know what the pain is about?  Can you articulate what you are feeling?  Anger?  Grief?  Loneliness?

[heartandwhole]

Hi RF,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. What a surreal reminder of what you've been through during your trip. I can understand feeling knocked back by that.

I have to say that I am coming to the conclusion that I am as much a problem to myself as any woman has been. It is very sad because I think my life has been blighted by this love/sex addiction impulse that draws me towards high intensity relationships. Isn’t it ironic that in the face of these broken relationships I understand the woman with BPD traits better than ever. Perhaps my pathology is a little different to hers but my feelings are the same: emptiness, yearning and a desire to be loved while eschewing all of those who do love me unless it is high octane with an element of danger. Perhaps it is what makes me feel alive or perhaps I associate love with anxiety and extreme emotion.

RF, I think above is a very astute observation. In fact, I think it could be life-changing.  

For example, associating love with anxiety is a real thing. And it can mess us up and lead to unfulfilling relationships. Conflating intensity with intimacy is another common thing we do, which causes a lot of pain.

Keep pondering these revelations. Dig in. Get support, too. There is a goldmine waiting for you if you have the courage to look deeply at your behaviors and experience your feelings.

I admire you for being able to see that the situation was heading nowhere fast, and for taking time out for yourself. Being present with your pain is a powerful practice and very hard to do—good for you.

heartandwhole

[Skip]

Can you update us?

[Cromwell]

Thanks Gemsforeyes.

I have to say that I am coming to the conclusion that I am as much a problem to myself as any woman has been. It is very sad because I think my life has been blighted by this love/sex addiction impulse that draws me towards high intensity relationships. Isn’t it ironic that in the face of these broken relationships I understand the woman with BPD traits better than ever. Perhaps my pathology is a little different to hers but my feelings are the same: emptiness, yearning and a desire to be loved while eschewing all of those who do love me unless it is high octane with an element of danger. Perhaps it is what makes me feel alive or perhaps I associate love with anxiety and extreme emotion.

My wife loves me there is no doubt. I think I love her but I am not sure of anything anymore. I’ve become so used to feeling pain anything else doesn’t feel like living. I don’t know whether I am coming or going at present.

i think a lot of it is due to biochemistry of these feelings. On the one hand during the chaos, it is painful but the body releases an adrenaline rush which can get addictive and the brain will associate the two when it starts happening so much.

my therapist told me that my anxiety ive carried since childhood id adjusted around that it had became a normal state. in other words, rather than being something that I could deal with and return to "normal", anxiety has been my normal baseline, I dont know what it means to be "normal" or "relaxed" they are alien and never achieved states of mind.

ive tried everything to escape it including this relationship with BPD. I have opportunities to be with healthy people and I can enjoy that but it is an issue of them not being able to generate sufficient excitement to trigger that hit which gives me the power to over-ride the underlying anxiety and power through the day. doesnt do the heart any good apparently.

all i can say is that even my borderline got boring and not inventive enough with the chaos. Dont get me wrong, it was something else and pushed me to the edge, but eventually as I even dealt with her and have got better, and sort of boring as I became too smart to see through all her traps.

it has made me question whether myself or others who continue in these types of abusive relationships and sort of miss that aspect of it, havent become some sort of masochist traits.

[RomanticFool]

Hi all,

Thank you for your responses. I was particularly struck by what you said Cromwell. I think what I am experiencing and have always experienced I call love/sex addiction but is really a desire for some kind of excitement away from the normality. However, the minute it threatens my stability, which of course it is going to because it destroys relationships, then I become miserable.

The update is that I have completely broken things off with my married lover. I explained (during the time I had separated from my wife) that I found in the 15 years I have known her, my married lover has not displayed any genuine care for my wellbeing. I also explained that I felt the love I had given to her over this time has been one-sided and on her part there has been a huge lack of communication, secrecy and I suspect a plethora of lies. I said I am heartily sick of chasing a woman who clearly doesn't want me but can't let me go. I said that if what she actually wanted was friendship then she was not giving enough towards that either. She replied with the following: "I can't win can I? No more. Enough of this blame game." I replied by saying that not even in my darkest hour can she muster any kind of empathy. That speaks volumes. I told her that as far as I was concerned we had never had a real r/s. On the contrary, I had simply been a distraction for her. I told her that I had always wanted it to me more than that and I now realised that it never was and never will be. Of course she didn't reply. I have reminded her many times over the last year that our whole r/s was predicated on a lie. I was single when we met on the website and she never told me she was married until after I had slept with her. OK it isn't the crime of the century but her shillyshallying and selfish has brought us to where we are. My own weakness, romantic idealism and addictive, obsessive, co-dependent  nature has allowed this initial mendacity to flourish. I feel some self pity because I fell in love with a beautiful woman but I was old enough and wise enough to have ended it. I opened my door to the drama and got alot more than I bargained for in the shape of mental illness. I feel sympathy for my ex but knowing her has been nothing but pain.

Her MO is that she will contact me a few weeks or months down the line. As far as I am concerned, that is the last communication I ever want with her. I am not angry at her. I am no longer yearning for her physically or psychologically. I am moving towards indifference. I am not there yet but I am getting there. I can even see how she must be feeling. In her own BPDish head; she probably feels attacked, betrayed and victim of a lunatic. Her gaslighting will always try to make me be the unreasonable party. All I can say is that I have wasted too much of my time on a woman who isn't available. More important than all of this is that she is a married woman with 3 children and a sick husband. She is committed to them even if she doesn't admit it to me. Her actions over the years have shown that to be true. There is nothing in staying in contact with her for me except further misery. I AM OUT!

As for my wife. She has moved back home and weirdly we are getting on very well. We have had many frank heart to heart chats about our sex life and she admitted to being messed up herself and said she realises that the lack of sex and intimacy is not normal in a 12 year r/s. I was actually staggered to realise we had been together all of that time (married for nearly 7 of those years). We went to an art gallery today to see the Mondigliani exhibition (whose wife committed suicide after he died by throwing herself out of a high window). It struck me that love and passion can leave to terrible pain whatever ones circumstances. Twas ever thus. I hasten to add that I do not feel suicidal or in crisis. The emotional pain I was feeling has subsided.

It has been 14 months since I met up with my exBPD married lover and I am more certain than ever that that situation is now over. What remains unclear is how my wife and I are going to proceed. There is no easy answer to it. I know we love each other but there is an absence of passion. I don't know if that is surmountable or commensurate with my own fantasy world even. All I know is we are not talking in terms of divorce or breaking up. Beyond that I have no further answers at this time.

[Cromwell]

Good to hear from you again RF

sounds to me like you have a logical based insight into where you are at currently.

maybe if I could share with you something that ive started to discover for myself that we both seem to share; a feeling of aliveness, or need for this feeling in relationships that can be difficult to extract.

When i reflected on the high-octane drama time with my ex, and associated her as the source of this "fun" and aliveness feeling. I realise now that this was largely inaccurate thinking on my part. In many ways my ex was in fact really boring but expected the same thrill seeking that i wanted. the reason i believe that she didnt want to lose me is that she thrived from me being able to find things that she could then catalyse my efforts and go along with for that ride together. in short, i realise now that I was the source of much of the fun times we had together and sense of aliveness.

this is in contrast to the relationship I am in now where I have met a very grounded, well educated girl who enjoys very much that I am bringing a spark to her life . I just dont go to the extremes of recklessness that I did with my BPD ex which is thrill seeking but at the same time damaging.such as the recreational drug use, . In short, im happy to be finding more of a middle ground and my sense of aliveness is enjoying to bring out a spark in my new relationship. ive learned something that took me a very long time in life and that is to stop seeking happiness or high levels of stimulation in others but find that it lies within yourself. you can then use that energy to inspire others to tap into theirs.

i didnt have the best role models in life, my family background was of quite depressed, solemn characters, punctuated by times of high drama which i now associate as an unhealthy respite for their low moods. I think I got conditioned to this and it has made me need this into adulthood.  i always inside wanted more and resented living such a stuffy life. in many ways it is another part of the puzzle solved why i was probably attracted to my ex, she allowed me to bring this side out more that i was discouraged to do so and learned to inhibit.

One of my hobbies is reading philosophy and Soren Kerkegaard has a lot to say on the subject of boredom being equal to death. i feel im starting to find a healthy middle ground in my new relationship but it is something that has to be worked ourselves than expected to be delivered by others. Its nice to hear you are trying new things with your wife and having productive discussion, and that you have found a sense of closure to the relationship that was causing you so much internal conflict.

[Skip]

What remains unclear is how my wife and I are going to proceed. There is no easy answer to it. I know we love each other but there is an absence of passion. I don't know if that is surmountable or commensurate with my own fantasy world even. All I know is we are not talking in terms of divorce or breaking up. Beyond that I have no further answers at this time.

I've been following your story for a while, RM. The question I would have is "what do you mean by love?"

There has been serial infidelity in your 12 year (? not sure) marriage from the start. You had an affair for years. You mentioned that there were other, lessor, relationships.  Most recently, you were pursuing another women until she said no (she was married).

What is the love you have in your marriage? It's not fidelity, honesty, respect, sex, children, caring (you said you would leave her for your affair partner and she would probably be OK) or interests (she has developed separate interests). What  is the foundation?

After following your story for a year... .
 

Do you honestly think you love your wife (not a rhetorical or smart question)? Do you think she would stay with you if she knew the truth about your infidelities?

Is it possible that in your marriage, over the years, the lack of emotional availability has taken the life out of it?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Cromwell,

Thanks for sharing your story. It certainly struck a chord with me.

One of my hobbies is reading philosophy and Soren Kerkegaard has a lot to say on the subject of boredom being equal to death. i feel im starting to find a healthy middle ground in my new relationship but it is something that has to be worked ourselves than expected to be delivered by others. Its nice to hear you are trying new things with your wife and having productive discussion, and that you have found a sense of closure to the relationship that was causing you so much internal conflict.

I find this part of your story particularly interesting. Boredom and death being bedfellows is a very interesting way of looking at things. I am rarely bored in life but when I am, that's when the bad behaviour and mischief begin.

[RomanticFool]

Skip,

I've been following your story for a while, RM. The question I would have is "what do you mean by love?"

In my mind I feel love and respect for my wife. I trust her. I think she is a woman of great integrity (unlike me). She makes me want to be a better person. I care about what happens to her... but there is no passion.

There has been serial infidelity in your 12 year (? not sure) marriage from the start. You had an affair for years. You mentioned that there were other, lessor, relationships.  Most recently, you were pursuing another women until she said no (she was married).

What is the love you have in your marriage? It's not fidelity, honesty, respect, sex, children, caring (you said you would leave her for your affair partner and she would probably be OK) or interests (she has developed separate interests). What  is the foundation?

I do respect my wife and as I said above, I feel she is a woman of great integrity. I would not want to hurt her. I am very glad I never left her for my affair partner, because it would have been a disaster. My affair partner is not interested in my well being, my wife certainly is interested in my life.

There is something missing in my marriage. I think the design fault lays within me. My history has shown me that I am not capable of staying with one person. During my 20's I was a serial monogamist. In my 30's I crossed the line and started having affairs and this behaviour has continued. It took me 10 years of pain to get over one of the women who I hurt. It is masochistic behaviour in the extreme born out of feeling an inner emptiness and a feeling that I should be with A.N. Other. I maintain that I loved each and every one of the women I cheated on. My wife even more so. I repeat this behaviour in my business life also and I am currently suffering for it in the same way. Go figure...

Do you honestly think you love your wife ?Do you think she would stay with you if she knew the truth about your infidelities?

I think as much as I am capable of loving anybody who I actually can have, yes I do love my wife.

She would leave tomorrow if she discovered the truth about this longstanding affair or any other.

I think a more revealing question might be, why haven't I left her? Why hasn't she left me? I think part of the answer is that we are emotional equals.

Is it possible that in your marriage, over the years, the lack of emotional availability has taken the life out of it?

Yes. I regret that very much. I blame myself. However, why has my wife accepted a sexless marriage and moved into the spare room due to 'sleeping issues?' She says she has 'sexual anorexia.' I have sex and love addiction (in my opinion). They are flip sides of the same coin.

[Skip]

However, why has my wife accepted a sexless marriage and moved into the spare room due to 'sleeping issues?'

You don't make her feel like the most beautiful women in the world.

[RomanticFool]

Is it really as simple as that? She is the daughter of a chronic hypochondriac with pathological control issues. This is a woman who would not support my wife when she was at University because she said she needed to stand on her own two feet. My wife ended up dropping out of college. On top of that she had an alcoholic and violent father who abandoned her. She has abandonment issues far worse than mine. I think of her as a little furry creature who is very snug in her warm home where she knows she is not in danger of being abandoned. As I said, emotional equals.

When I declared my attraction to the woman up North after a bit of flirtation, she told me that she was attracted to me and felt that she had 'settled' when she met her husband. However, she refused to cheat on him and I distanced myself from her. That is a grown up person living with a decision she made. I am currently doing the same in my marriage.

My romantic idealism has been crushed by the affair with the ex. In my eyes she was a Goddess who I never would have cheated on and imagined having a wonderful and exciting sex life with. I understand that is all romantic hogwash. She would have driven me to madness had I ever ended up with her. My conclusion is that romantic love is simply physical attraction and doesn't last once you are with that person. I think I've always known that, after years of desperately seeking sexual and romantic perfection. What my wife and I have is actually more practical, real and likely to last - sexual frustration notwithstanding... .

[Skip]

You don't see her beauty. She knows it.

I don't want to be glib here. You give her very little.

[RomanticFool]

Let me ask you a question. Is it possible to make yourself fancy somebody when things have gone dead?

[pearlsw]

Hey RF,

I’m impressed you were able to shut down this new married woman. That sounds like growth to me.

I get that you and your wife have a situation of convenience of sorts, and that the emotional damage you each carry bonds you two... .

But…have you ever considered the idea of just putting all these women behind you, being single, and starting totally fresh with another single person?

I mean, if you are chronically dissatisfied with the lack of passion with the wife why not strike out fresh?

(not a leave message!)

with compassion,

pearl.

[Skip]

Let me ask you a question. Is it possible to make yourself fancy somebody when things have gone dead?

In those terms, no.

I'm the last person to suggest breaking up a family, but it's really hard to see a reason for you to continue. I'm not suggesting another affair... .I'm suggesting if you don't "fancy her" and will continue to have a roving eye (which you will), and the reality of the relationship is one she would leave... .what is there? And for whom?

Someone will find her to be beautiful. Light up her world.

[RomanticFool]

Maybe you should be asking her that question. She doesn’t want to break up and the emotional and practical upheaval it would cause make me reluctant to act. Bear in mind that in her previous r/s of 12 years she ended up in a similar situation ie no sex, separate lives and only leaving when her ex was violent. I am a gentle and affectionate man towards her and she does not want to break up.

I don’t believe my situation is any different to most married people. Many of them don’t have great sex lives, many of them are in conflict about staying or going. Much of the time people stay due to kids or in my case co-dependency issues.There is a reason 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce: love fades and passion right along with it. My wife and I had precious little of the latter from the get go. But I care about how she would fare once I abandon her. At 55 nearly, I don’t have the wherewithal to do it to either of us.

[pearlsw]

Not saying you have to man. But you do want passion. Why tie yourself down with just being like a roommate to her? What do you emotionally get out of this? That is not an advanced age. I started seeing my current SO when he was 52. He’s loved having a renewed life with me (sex, fun, laughter) for the most part he’d say. Why not live the life you want, man?

She sounds pretty independent, like she doesn’t need you so much. Why are you holding on to her? What cushion is she for you?

Or why not ask for an open relationship? Or?

with compassion, pearl.

[RomanticFool]

We are both holding on, not just me. Fear of being alone? Terror of ending up alone? It is intensely painful to let somebody go that you have an 11 year history with, like erasing part of your life. I've had so much pain with the exBPDish lover, I need a bit of stability. I think my wife and I need the companionship. I'm a fading sexual force and fear of ending up alone when I had somebody to love and who, in their own way loves me, is what keeps me in this r/s and her too.

To look them in the eye and break their heart is easy to say and a nightmare to do. I may not adhere to fidelity but I did vow 'til death us do part.' To break that part of the vow I would have to be certain that I am doing the right thing ie the best thing for us both. I'm not sure breaking up is the best thing for us. Even after all this I am hopeful of igniting some passion between us. Ludicrous notion maybe but perhaps not.

[RomanticFool]

Today I suddenly had a revelation about how to deal with my marriage problems. The answer to it all is actually very simple and the same response I had to my wife before she suggested getting married. What I told her back then is that we need to sort our sex life out before we can think about getting married. The wedding plans then took over my boundary on this issue and I went along with it because I didn't really want to lose my wife. I wasn't in contact with the exBPDish married lover back then.

The situation has now clarified unencumbered by the emotional baggage with the ex. At some point over the summer I intend to say to my wife that we need to sort our sex life out or come to an agreement. I am not going to mention divorce or seeing other people but tell her very simply that I do not want to live the rest of my life without sex. I have said this many times and nothing has been done but this time around I will push the issue and ask her what she wants sexually.

I think most people on here will assume that the reason we are not having sex is because of my behaviour but it is entirely two sided. She has shown no appetite to sleep with me since 2 years before we got married. That is also a problem I need to address. To get to the root of what is stopping her. She tells me she is scared of me rejecting her but I think she is also scared because we are physical strangers. I have to go away to work in the US for 3 weeks and when I come back I will address this issue then very clearly. I am going to try to woo her. I don't want to give my marriage up without at least trying and I don't want another sordid and painful affair either.

[pearlsw]

Today I suddenly had a revelation about how to deal with my marriage problems. The answer to it all is actually very simple and the same response I had to my wife before she suggested getting married.

The situation has now clarified unencumbered by the emotional baggage with the ex. At some point over the summer I intend to say to my wife that we need to sort our sex life out or come to an agreement. I am not going to mention divorce or seeing other people but tell her very simply that I do not want to live the rest of my life without sex. I have said this many times and nothing has been done but this time around I will push the issue and ask her what she wants sexually.

Hey man, This sounds like a great plan!  I had your post in my mind all day and I really want to encourage you to get what you want out of life. Take a risk. I was planning to come back and ask, “what do you imagine your ideal life to be”? But here you are already dreaming! Super!

And "being alone" is not nearly as bad as a living death. Marriage shouldn’t be a prison sentence. Life is short, go for it!   

[RomanticFool]

My whole life is a risk. I'm in a job where I get alot of recognition. I'm not a stay at home husband trapped in a boring marriage. My life is a bit more rock and roll than that. In fact my exBPD lover is a rock chick and so is my wife. If anything I crave normality.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-

I know you know this... .with all your emotion, head and heart space pulled down by BPDish ex, you likely  didn't have the energy or willingness  to focus on the positives or light the ignition with your W.  Now you do.

It has only been a short time.  So you can get your priorities lined up, woo the woman who IS dedicated to YOU, and light her fire.

It begins with a well planted kissssss... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[RomanticFool]

I am trying hard to do exactly that. My ex has some kind of psychological hold over me and I don't understand it. We have had NC for 2 weeks and I am once again feeling pain around her. As I have said on previous posts, it once took me ten years to get over an ex and every day I experienced pain was intense. There seems to be no let up. I tell myself a million times a day that my ex doesn't love me, she just wanted to keep me in her life like pwBPD are inclined to do. She is 61 years old and I am 54. My wife is 47. Yet the passion for the older woman persists. Nothing I do can shift it. This time I haven't cut her off FB and one look at her photo there has me in a grief cycle. I haven't seen this woman for 14 months. She has put me through hell. She is incapable of expressing love or empathy or any other positive emotion towards me. She will ignore my pain at the drop of a hat. She doesn't give a damn about me. Yet the love I have for her persists. I still believe I can focus this on my wife at some point in the near future, but dealing with a femme fatale and the aftermath of the terrible dysfunctional hell that she visited upon me is beyond my logic and reason. I still crave her and yet I know she is poison to me.

[pearlsw]

hey RF,

i don’t want to be down on your relationship in any way. but i’ve always had the impression you are dissatisfied with it because your needs for physical intimacy are not being met by it. if that is acceptable to you so be it. but if not, that’s something to take a long, hard look at obviously.

if the two of you aren’t gonna be having an intimate relationship (whatever that looks like) your needs are not going to be met and i think this will make you miserable. is that right?

i’m reminded of an old friend who divorced his wife after two years because of issues with her sex drive. (they'd been together 7 maybe, but her sex drive was always very low.) he felt very guilty over it as she was a great gal, but he just recognized he was not going to be able to spend his life "pressuring her" into having sex with him. he started dating after their divorce and it was was not an easy experience, one girlfriend engaged in some financial misdeeds towards him and stalked him a bit, another one was bipolar, and couldn’t pick between him and another guy, but he eventually landed with a great gal and they married and had a kid and lived happily ever whatever.  so, people take risks, things can go south, but you can try, try again if you like.

i have another friend who insisted he was “happy” in his decade long sexless marriage, but i think a part of him died. that is a huge sacrifice to make… a decade or two of no sex/intimacy because of wanting to keep a family together “for the kids”, but that is his choice in life.

what choices do you want to make for yourself?

on another theme i gather from your posts i also want to ask about, if i may, how you see yourself as a sexual being? i hear that you feel down related to sexual dysfunction, but i wonder if a rethink about your sexual practices is in order? i’m not there yet, and i have my own minor age hang ups too, but i think the fifties and sixties can be pretty great sexually if you want them to be in my book. there is a LOT more to sexual satisfaction on the whole than erections. i know as a woman if my guy had that issue i’d find every work around and expand out into other areas…making the best of it and making him as comfortable and as happy as possible…there is a lot to do!

with compassion, pearl.

[RomanticFool]

Good points Pearl. There are also financial implications in breaking up with my wife which quite frankly would be a nightmare. However, as you say, what do I want from life? Obviously a decent sex life would be great but it is complicated by erectile dysfunction which I can take pills for but don't always work, although they did with the exBPD lover. What I really want sexually is my ex and since I can't have her I don't really feel much like going back into the dating pool again. I feel emotionally beaten up by the pwBPD and I am sure I would probably be diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD. Of course I want a sex life but splitting up from my wife would be a very traumatic and emotionally and financially damaging thing to do that I am simply not sure if I want to go there when I am fading sexual force anyway. I know that all sounds a bit clinical but it is really how I feel.

[pearlsw]

Hi again RF,  

Reading this again I have other thoughts. You find breakups so painful, so traumatic, that this is also part of why you can’t end things with your wife. Again, I am not pushing in either direction, just trying to get a deeper look here. I just say this because I think at times I’ve found breakups so painful I go pretty far to avoid them, well, there are other reasons too, but that has been a factor.

I have to also say one of the “upsides” of having gone through the trauma of so many breakup threats is I am not so afraid of breakups anymore! So, there’s that. I had to learn the hard way, that’s for sure, that “being alone in life” is literally not the worst thing that can happen to you!

And, because you fear this…being alone at the end, let me break it to you gently…We are all kind of alone at the end. I’m female and the odds are if I have a life partner he’ll die first. I also did not have kids. So, gulp, I’ll be “alone”, but you know what I’ll do about that? Well, if I am older and alone and there is no one to come visit/talk to me I’m gonna look up local service agencies and call and call until I can get someone to come and visit me! Voila! Not alone! And then I can tell them about all my adventures and lost loves!

Let's keep talking, there is a lot to say as you gear up for this big talk!

warmly, pearl.