Passed the torch today - leaving town, leaving her in good hands

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I made a big decision today to reach out and be honest to the one person in my STBXw's life who I think can really be there for her if she dysregulates again after I leave. It wasn't an easy decision, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do, and after talking to this person, I am certain that it was right.

A little back story/update: In working with my therapist, we've started to speculate that my STBXw is showing some classic signs of being bipolar as well, and that this "episode" may in fact be a manic episode. If that's the case, there's a good chance that she's going to come down from it and really struggle to cope with the decisions she made. In addition, there's a good chance that it will be followed by a depressive episode and the risk of suicide is absolutely there. As she's cut me out of her life mostly and is currently about 15 hours away, there's nothing I can do about it. Also, for my own good, I can't sit here and wonder about it and I can't put myself in a position where potential self-harm or suicide threats become control mechanisms to hook me back in. I would go back, but under very specific circumstances and with very specific boundaries. But, I won't let threats be what bring me back.

Therefore, I made the hard decision to alert the person in her life who I think is best positioned to help her if she comes back and is not ok. There was risk in doing this, and she likely isn't going to be happy when/if she finds out that we talked, but the conversation with this person this morning could not have gone better. I'm grateful that I developed a level of trust with her before all of this happens and that I've been working hard to articulate my concern without sounding like a jilted ex lover. We went through some of my concern without me putting a label on anything and came up with a sort of action plan for the future. I now feel confident that I can reach out to this person, without having to give a big back story, if I need to in the future. I'm also confident that if she shows signs of falling apart, this person is aware and will intervene.

I am moving out of our shared home this week (she already moved out) and moving into an apartment that is too far away for her to just show up unannounced. I won't be here when she returns from training, nor will our shared home, and this person and I are both very concerned that when that reality sets in upon her return that things might get really bad. We could be wrong, and that's ok, but I would hate to walk away without "passing the torch" per se. If this were just BPD, passing the torch wouldn't mean much. But, given that there is reason to speculate that there's more going on here, I wouldn't feel ok leaving town without making sure she is looked after in some way. It puts my mind at ease, and helps me to keep my boundaries intact, should she initiate contact again and challenge them.


This might be the closest thing to closure that I get, and I'll take it.

[lighthouse9]

Hi everyone,

I made a big decision today to reach out and be honest to the one person in my STBXw's life who I think can really be there for her if she dysregulates again after I leave. It wasn't an easy decision, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do, and after talking to this person, I am certain that it was right.

A little back story/update: In working with my therapist, we've started to speculate that my STBXw is showing some classic signs of being bipolar as well, and that this "episode" may in fact be a manic episode. If that's the case, there's a good chance that she's going to come down from it and really struggle to cope with the decisions she made. In addition, there's a good chance that it will be followed by a depressive episode and the risk of suicide is absolutely there. As she's cut me out of her life mostly and is currently about 15 hours away, there's nothing I can do about it. Also, for my own good, I can't sit here and wonder about it and I can't put myself in a position where potential self-harm or suicide threats become control mechanisms to hook me back in. I would go back, but under very specific circumstances and with very specific boundaries. But, I won't let threats be what bring me back.

Therefore, I made the hard decision to alert the person in her life who I think is best positioned to help her if she comes back and is not ok. There was risk in doing this, and she likely isn't going to be happy when/if she finds out that we talked, but the conversation with this person this morning could not have gone better. I'm grateful that I developed a level of trust with her before all of this happens and that I've been working hard to articulate my concern without sounding like a jilted ex lover. We went through some of my concern without me putting a label on anything and came up with a sort of action plan for the future. I now feel confident that I can reach out to this person, without having to give a big back story, if I need to in the future. I'm also confident that if she shows signs of falling apart, this person is aware and will intervene.

I am moving out of our shared home this week (she already moved out) and moving into an apartment that is too far away for her to just show up unannounced. I won't be here when she returns from training, nor will our shared home, and this person and I are both very concerned that when that reality sets in upon her return that things might get really bad. We could be wrong, and that's ok, but I would hate to walk away without "passing the torch" per se. If this were just BPD, passing the torch wouldn't mean much. But, given that there is reason to speculate that there's more going on here, I wouldn't feel ok leaving town without making sure she is looked after in some way. It puts my mind at ease, and helps me to keep my boundaries intact, should she initiate contact again and challenge them.


This might be the closest thing to closure that I get, and I'll take it.

[JNChell]

This might be the closest thing to closure that I get, and I'll take it.

Does this mean that you are walking away from the situation? To never look back or check in on it?

Closure, in the real meaning, allows folks to move forward with a real understanding of a situation with insight and understanding. With no questions. Like closing the back cover of a book you’ve just finished. We either put that book on a shelf, or pass it on for another to read.

lighthouse9, you are on the right path. We have to find a way to get ourselves out of the receiving end of these relationships. Out of the line of fire, so to speak. Once we’re out of the “line of fire”, it’s easy to set ourselves up for indirect fire. lighthouse9, I’m only trying to be helpful. By “passing the torch”, are you completely done? No looking back?

[lighthouse9]

Hey JNChell,

Thanks for responding.

I hear your version of closure, but I think I might have a different or more nuanced definition.

By closure, I think I mean for this volume, if I'm going to stick with your book analogy. I have no idea if the writer is going to write a sequel. If she does, I'd consider it, under certain circumstances. But, I'm done with this book.

More plainly, I have closure on this part of my life. Living here, being actively tied to her as part of her work, all of the hopes and dreams we built together up until this point. If there's another version of being married to her out there, this version has to die. Could that put me at risk of indirect fire? Absolutely, but it's a risk I'm taking with eyes wide open.

I would have posted this on conflicting or reversing, but I firmly believe that I have to detach from this marriage in order to be clear headed for anything that comes next - with her or anyone else. That means learning from who I am and have been in this marriage, and one of those things I've been is quietly responsible for her and assuming that burden to myself. Yesterday was a step in the direction of detaching from that role.

She hasn't started the divorce process and I'm in the same boat as many other members - I have no plans to file myself, because this is not what I wanted. Also, as a Christian, I do believe in marriage being a "for life" vow and I cautiously believe in redemption. When she comes back in about a month, I'll have a better sense of where she's at and if this time away was an opportunity to have me out of sight out of mind, if it was a manic period, if she's completely remade herself, etc etc. I've worked the tools of the reversing board and even though I desire reconciliation, I desire it under very clear circumstances, and they are ones that I'm not sure she could meet. However, I can't decide that for her, I can only make them clear and give her the choice. In the mean time, I'm not making things worse, I'm detaching from the expectations of this marriage, and I'm getting myself out of the line of "direct fire" as you put it.

Does that make sense? I posted a long while back asking members if they thought you had to let a marriage die in order to make room for a new one, with the same person. That's where my head is at. Also, given that I'm moving at the end of the week, we'll see if any of this changes for me once I'm out of state and in a new space. I imagine the grief process to look different there, for better or for worse.

So am I completely done, no looking back? Yes, completely done with the right now and with the destructive version of this marriage. Completely done with her? Not necessarily, but the next move is hers, not mine, and I'm not holding my breath.

 

[JNChell]

lighthouse9,
I find this very commendable of you. What really stands out to me is that you’re leaving the door to reconciliation open, but you won’t sacrifice your values to achieve it. I think I could learn a lot from you. When my ex and I became pregnant I dropped every boundary and sacrificed every value. I made myself completely vulnerable to her and it nearly cost me everything.

Your post sets a great example for self care when trying to navigate these situations. I truly do feel for you. This is hard and painful stuff. It almost doesn’t seem real sometimes. Like a bad dream. I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad I interacted on your thread. I’ve gained some perspective from it. Thanks!

[lighthouse9]

Thanks JNChell - and I'm so sorry to hear about your ex and what happened during the pregnancy. This is extremely hard and painful stuff and I agree with you - it definitely does not feel real sometimes. I forget who said it on here, but one of the members said "they always win by their standards." That sunk in with me so well. "By their standards." It's chilling.

When I step back and look at this situation, I think, how can this be "winning?" and what the heck kind of standards are these? Are you a Game of Thrones fan? If so, do you remember when Dany said she's going to "break the wheel"? That's what I feel like I'm trying to do. Break the wheel. I won't compete within these standards, because 1. there is likely no winning; 2. if I did win, would I win anything worth having? and 3. what would I lose? I will lead with my values and with my integrity. I will no longer play some twisted game that only leads to my own abuse.

Like you, I've already lost too much and already made myself too vulnerable. I'm lucky in a lot of ways and being on these boards made me realize that - and that I shouldn't squander the good fortune I have by risking things with her while she is so unwell. She's already ripped the rug out, and just because I've landed on my feet (or at least managed to learn to stand again), doesn't mean it's not her "instinct" per se to not try to knock me down again. Until I can trust that she has hold of that instinct, I won't make a foundation out of anything shared, because I won't let her blow it up again.

One thing I've really learned being on these boards is how much a pwBPD will use self-harm and suicide threats when they feel like they're losing control over their loved ones. They push/pull until you're just at the periphery of their sphere of influence, and if they realize it, they'll pull you back in with something catastrophic. I've been there before with a different ex, and I let my good nature turn to naivety and I got burned so bad. My STBXw let me in deeply right before she left, showing me her scars, telling me things about her past I never knew before, admitting that she also had real concerns about BPD. I felt for her. It was one of the most intimate moments of our relationship. Then, she crushed me even harder right after that and I saw it for what it was - another control tactic. It might not have been at first, or might not have been intentional. She might have really felt seen and heard and felt safe. But, if we know anything about BPD, we know that trauma taught them how to fear and they don't sit well with fear -until they take healing on for themselves and learn skills to counter some of the maladaptive and outright destructive instincts they have. However, just because she is afraid, doesn't mean that I need to take the abuse.

Telling our story to an outside person who can help in the case of an emergency was an effort to break the wheel. It's so outside what she thought I'd ever do and so outside how anyone in her life has ever reacted to her. It also may be the thing that once and for all ends things completely, if she finds out the extent to which I reached out. It's something she may never forgive me for, and I've accepted that. It shows that I won't be controlled and that I won't play by these rules. Ultimately, she may only want to have relationships with people that will play by her rules. If that's the case, then count me out.

[JNChell]

"they always win by their standards."

I read this as well, and it had the same affect on me. It made my stomach turn, honestly. I completely get you on competing with these so called “standards”. To take it a little farther, it would be impossible to compete with these standards because they’re constantly changing. One ends up not even being able to adapt anymore, let alone try to ground the situation for a little sense of stability.

You know, sometimes when I come here, I do so in hopes of logging on and seeing a real success story in the here and now. That little glimmer of hope. The beginning of a happily ever after. I know these thoughts are counterproductive and that I need to abandon them. Part of the process, I suppose. I’ll admit that it does get to me that treatment is available. She supposedly trusted me with everything at first. Why couldn’t she trust that what I’ve witnessed and experienced with her is true? I know the answers. I do ruminate about it though. What a ride, lh9.