Getting through another day-

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I read an article written by a psychologist as to whether we are 'victims' of Narc or PBD personality disorders. Seems even he had mixed emotions. I've never taken a victim approach to life injustices but am inclined to think we are 'victimized' in this situation. Since they seem to be generally aware and pick certain types to manipulate it seems to me the generosity, kindness and open honesty we offer makes us prime targets for them. I noticed right off that he din't seem to be making any 'investment' in me. Not talking money particularly but no not even a Birthday gift or card when the relationship was fresh, no offer to defray expenses I incurred to visit him or when he came here, food etc. he stated that if I had NOT enjoyed my time visiting him he would have 'helped'. HUH? However he had offered to 'help' and I was not going to ask him to honor his offer. I am seeing a Psychologist and told him I had found this site. He stated this morning that it sounded like having the lessons to read and support from others was helping me focus on my healing process. Now my question is, why do I not seem to be able to drop him completely by unfriending him on FB? What is my 'fear'? At first I obsessed and would check in at all hours of the night to see when he was there. Now I am sleeping and have stopped 'checking' but it seems to me he is now popping in each time I go to post and is perhaps checking on my presence... .He'd asked me to go to Italy with him to meet his sister and held that trip over my head for months. Stating we needed to be on solid ground. Of course this after each 'fight' and each blamed on me of course. Then weeks ago he booked himself over and is going in the next couple of weeks. Am I just a fiend for punishment or waiting to him to unfriend me? And why would I do this? I also understand now that there is no 'cure' for personality disorders and would like to hear more as to why if NPD and BPD are aware of their behavior they cannot be 'helped'? Durn this is so exhausting... .still not eating well, sleeping better but very hard to get through each day... .the nutty thing is part of me wants him back... .the good I thought I saw... .working on it folks, working on changing that... .see I had thought I was moving to be with him about now and it's been an about face... .more to that of course and not trying to be vague just impossible to explaining one sitting... .

[Teri50]

I read an article written by a psychologist as to whether we are 'victims' of Narc or PBD personality disorders. Seems even he had mixed emotions. I've never taken a victim approach to life injustices but am inclined to think we are 'victimized' in this situation. Since they seem to be generally aware and pick certain types to manipulate it seems to me the generosity, kindness and open honesty we offer makes us prime targets for them. I noticed right off that he din't seem to be making any 'investment' in me. Not talking money particularly but no not even a Birthday gift or card when the relationship was fresh, no offer to defray expenses I incurred to visit him or when he came here, food etc. he stated that if I had NOT enjoyed my time visiting him he would have 'helped'. HUH? However he had offered to 'help' and I was not going to ask him to honor his offer. I am seeing a Psychologist and told him I had found this site. He stated this morning that it sounded like having the lessons to read and support from others was helping me focus on my healing process. Now my question is, why do I not seem to be able to drop him completely by unfriending him on FB? What is my 'fear'? At first I obsessed and would check in at all hours of the night to see when he was there. Now I am sleeping and have stopped 'checking' but it seems to me he is now popping in each time I go to post and is perhaps checking on my presence... .He'd asked me to go to Italy with him to meet his sister and held that trip over my head for months. Stating we needed to be on solid ground. Of course this after each 'fight' and each blamed on me of course. Then weeks ago he booked himself over and is going in the next couple of weeks. Am I just a fiend for punishment or waiting to him to unfriend me? And why would I do this? I also understand now that there is no 'cure' for personality disorders and would like to hear more as to why if NPD and BPD are aware of their behavior they cannot be 'helped'? Durn this is so exhausting... .still not eating well, sleeping better but very hard to get through each day... .the nutty thing is part of me wants him back... .the good I thought I saw... .working on it folks, working on changing that... .see I had thought I was moving to be with him about now and it's been an about face... .more to that of course and not trying to be vague just impossible to explaining one sitting... .

[Teedot]

Hi Teri50.

I feel for you.  I am going through something similar.  The wounds are fresh and even though I know what he is, it is still hard.  I cannot imagine others going through what we are and having no idea what is happening.  Sorry if you stated it, but how long have you been broken up? You mentioned you are struggling still, but sleeping better etc.  I think that it is a slow process, which is healthy in some ways.  I am in no way ready to jump into another relationship (something I have always done) because I am still hurting as well.  I have noticed in my own progress that I will have longer periods of time without thinking about him, which is nice. it is also scary because I never realized just how much I thought about him (although he text constantly and made it almost impossible).  They bleed into us and you will not always feel like this.  I keep telling myself that one day i will look back at this and snicker because he is such a piece of crap... .a chameleon, a fake and a fraud that took up two minutes of my life too long.  If you need to, cry.  Crying is something that I have a lot of trouble doing, but toxins get released, and I feel a lot lighter and sleep better... .probably from being exhausted.  Keep reaching out!

[Lucky Jim]

Now my question is, why do I not seem to be able to drop him completely by unfriending him on FB?

Hey Teri50,  It seems like you already answered your own question:

the nutty thing is part of me wants him back... .the good I thought I saw... .

That's what makes detaching from a BPD r/s so difficult in my view: we know the r/s is bad for us, but on some level we still want to participate in it.  Why?  Presumably because a BPD r/s fills, at least temporarily, the wound.  What wound?  The shame that lingers from childhood, FOO, or other traumatic experience.

The solution, of course, involves healing the wound. 

Does this explanation feel like it could be applicable to your situation?

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

i hope that you find a solution because by the sounds of it you are going through what I did, slowly getting burned out and worn down. emotional stress will impact your physical body. you are losing your strength and if you want my honest opinion, those with NPD and BPD enjoy to watch this play out in a very sadistic way. i hope you dont become as ill as I got to before I realised that you have to in life think of number 1 first. no person is worth hurting your health. you will get the occassional happy moment to keep you hooked in, this is the "love" they addict you to intentionally.