26 years with male BPD. What happened to me. Who am I?

[Damaged92]

I cannot believe that so much time has passed and how much of me that I have lost. I don't know who I am anymore.
It's only in the last few years that we finally have a name for the absolute crazy that we have been subjected to. The controlling, gas lighting, splitting, sulking, rages, jealousy, paranoia etc. And of course the absolute denial that he is doing anything. It's never him. It's always someone else. He is 'normal'. It's me that's crazy. And maybe now I am a little crazy. I doubt myself entirely because I have been worn down until there is not much of me left. Not intelligent. Not confident. Not anything anymore.
He won't get help. Won't speak about anything. But likes guilt trips. The whole madonna /whore scenario. His mother pimped him out when he was very young. Has she ever been taken to task?. No but I have. Continuously. Somehow it is my fault. Everything always is.
In a way I feel that he chose me knowing that I would stay and try and fix things. It's in my nature. But this can't be fixed. His fear of abandonment is overwhelming. But he pushes everyone away with his behaviour. He has no close friends only aquaintances. I think it's because he cannot keep up the facade. He portrays something which is the opposite of the reality that he really is. He is an emotional vampire that drains your soul.
I have never spoken to anyone about how I really feel or told anyone at all about how my life really is. It's a secret and it has only perpetuated the abuse. More than half my life gone and it's my fault.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[toomanydogs]

I want to start my post with a 'whoa,' but worry you'll think I'm telling you to slow down; actually, I'm telling myself.

Your post resonates with me. Wow, I can't tell you how accurately, how succinctly you captured how I feel from a 10-year marriage to my STBX. The difference is that it was a second marriage, and a huge difference is that I had a therapist (still have her) who worked with me for the last seven years.

If there's a way for you to get away from blaming yourself for staying, while at the same time taking responsibility for staying, it might be more helpful. It's a distinction that may be able to help you move forward. Blaming can result in beating yourself up (kind of what your H has probably done with you) to the point where you do doubt yourself and where you're likely to end up immobile.

Taking responsibility is a bit more aligned with looking at what led you to stay with your H and examine any of your own broken bits that may have resulted in your getting into the marriage and staying.

The people on this board know exactly what you're going through and exactly how you're feeling.

No one can tell you to stay or to leave the marriage. I can suggest, however, that you see if working with a therapist could help you. In my own case, working as I did with my therapist enabled me to not personalize what my STBX was doing. I got to a point where I realized that it didn't matter what I did or what I said, nothing would change my STBX because he didn't want to change.

Welcome to this forum.

TMD

[Thea]

30 years for me, and NO we are not really crazy. I started talking and anyone who knows us confirmed and validated. I was even estranged from my family. I gave up everything. EVERYTHING and all the things I do my spouse takes 100% credit for it. I NEVER get acknowledged for anything other than the food tastes good (sometimes) and I plan cool parties for the kids. That's it. NOTHING else. Ever. I didn't "see" ... .I didn't know! and then things began to shift about 5/6 years ago, I started documenting, and then something distracted me from that, and then nearly 3 years ago another thing took up priority. Now, I just feel trapped with no one and nowhere to go... .  It's so complicated.

[juju2]

You are in the right place!

there are a lot of people here who are or have been in similar situations... .Many have found solutions that work.  Being here is the first part of solution.

Welcome!

I am separated one year fm diagnosed BPD b/f.  We have lived together 10 years prior to separation.

I was in your shoes.  I didn't know who I was or how i got there.  Last yr, I was certain it was all his fault. He ruined my life.  Long story short, we agreed to separate, after one month, I realized he was the only man who ever truly loved me.  I begged him to come back, I made a mistake, and he said not now, he couldnt... .

Back then I knew he had BPD, he told me when we met. and said he had a psychiatrist, was on meds.
I thought, he has it handled.!  (i knew zero about BPD)  And I never found out until we separated, anything about BPD, I had no tools, I was making it worse... .

If i could turn back time, I wish I had learned about his disorder sooner, and also how to take excellent self care.  

Am hoping this isn't too late, we are going to a Therapist who is aware and deals w patients w BPD.  She heard our complete story.  She has us going on coffee "dates " once a week, like an hour and a half, at neutral location.  We are starting at the beginning, to see if we have chemistry, to see if we can make conversation.  She told us we had no foundation of friendship, no way to solve problems or communicate... .

We have had hiccups, and all in all, this time has been very healing.  I look forward to our times together...

Also, I am fully invested in al anon, it is clear from the last year and the prior ten years, I am totally co dependent.  It doesn't matter where I got it, I have it, and i need to learn a different way, for myself, no one else.  My co dependency was full blown for a lot of our relationship.

Hang in there, here you will find, experience, wisdom, caring, friends, who will help, no matter what you are going thru.  It's so important to me to have somewhere to go to unburden.

My friends/family, don't get it.  I made the mistake of sharing all my struggles, bad news, and now they dislike him, and so I can't talk to them, and i created that whole thing... .

Thank you for listening,  j

[Damaged92]

Thank you for the replies from too many dogs, thea and juju2. It means a lot that someone will take the time to read my post but also more importantly to reach out and say something.
It is very difficult for me to put into words how I am feeling as I am not used to speaking about my feelings. My feelings have been so unimportant for so long that I didn't think they had a voice.
My husband has always fixated on his feelings as BPDs do. Because they feel everything more acutely than anyone else. No empathy for anyone else as they are the only ones who are hurting. He reflects and projects. Never answers a question of why he treats me like dirt. Just answers but what about me. What about me. What about me. Everything is about him. He is the centre of the universe and we are merely tiny little insignificant satellites. His mood swings control whether we are in sunshine or abject darkness.
He can appear as a magnanimous loving husband and father but that is only to strangers and aquaintances. He cannot keep up the charade with the people who truly know him. I have been ostracized by family members and that's better for him.
Can't go out with friends or emails and texts are read. I am accused of affairs. People I work with aren't actually females but males because they end the text with a kiss. Fears of abandonment.
He is right about everything and I know nothing. Grandiosity in his thinking.
Mindsets and nonsensical belief patterns.
In a nutshell I have lived with absolute crazy for years. Any medical person says leave but that opens up another can of crazy worms. Of threats, promises,self harming, suicide attempts real or imagined.
Inside I am screaming right now for the pathetic wretch that I have become to deal with this once and for all. Not to listen to any more lies!

[molarman]

Wow Damaged

I am sorry for your hurting.  As I read your post I see myself but it is my wife who does the blaming.  It is my fault we have no friends, even the ones I still talk to.  I have made them all hate her.  She puts on a show for the few people that do still come by but as soon as the door is closed you never know what will push her over the edge then the screaming starts.  I have a step son.  I met them when he was 8, 20 years ago.   He seems to be the only one that matters.  He has a high school education and never went to college.  He still lives with us and I pay all his bills.  If I even suggest he pays something toward rent or anything, then I am being mean and resentful.  I am so tired of getting blamed.  I am so fearful of opening my mouth about anything as I never know what will set her off.  I do love her and I would do anything to help.  Our 15 year old is the one who is losing.  He wants her lo0ve so badly and she gives nothing to either of us.  We are starving.

[Damaged92]

Hi molarman,
I understand how conflicted you feel. It's really hard not to love the person who hurts us the most. It feels like your soul is being ripped in two. You yearn for them to be 'normal'. It must be hard to see your son unloved by the very person who by definition should love them unconditionally. It seems that someone who has this disorder has no room to love anyone more than they love themself. Also they are very adept at hiding their true self from outsiders. Then they can feel in control. Control is very important to my husband. The outward illusion of normality. It's much better that I look like the "crazy one". I am sure though that your son knows how much you care for him. You have each other. Please take care of yourself.

[molarman]

It is me that he comes to.  Problem is that when they fight he comes screaming and asking why his mother doesn't love him.  It tears me up.  All she does is try to analyze him.  He just needs a hug and she can't give it to him, or to me.  when they fight she just screams that he should be committed.  It is starting to affect his grades as he is a freshman in HS.  His therapist says something has to change but what do I do?  I certainly cant leave him there

[Damaged92]

Hi molarman,
Of course you can't leave him. He needs you to be both mum and dad. I feel like that for my three children. But I don't know if BPDs have the capacity to love and care for other people as much as they care for themselves. Their own self love and self preservation is all consuming. My husband's mother was a narcissistic BPD with no love for her children. They were both a means to an end to get money from men. He was emotionally and sexually abused. My heart breaks for that wee boy but it does not excuse his behaviour to me or the chidren. I feel that he didn't have much of a chance to escape her clutches without being emotionally damaged. But at no point in his life has he helped himself. He has lived in complete denial and still does. It's never him it's always someone else. Usually me. She is still alive. He has no contact. He has never challenged her. He projects his hatred of her into me. He has never emotionally developed beyond being a toddler. He acts out like a 3 year old. Won't speak to me for days and weeks. Puts his fingers in his ears. Closes his eyes. Pretends you don't exist. Basically incapable of acting like an adult. And I am the pathetic idiot who is still here wondering if he will ever change. Why have I deluded myself for so long?

[shabazz]

I cannot believe that so much time has passed and how much of me that I have lost. I don't know who I am anymore.
It's only in the last few years that we finally have a name for the absolute crazy that we have been subjected to. The controlling, gas lighting, splitting, sulking, rages, jealousy, paranoia etc. And of course the absolute denial that he is doing anything. It's never him. It's always someone else. He is 'normal'. It's me that's crazy. And maybe now I am a little crazy. I doubt myself entirely because I have been worn down until there is not much of me left. Not intelligent. Not confident. Not anything anymore.
He won't get help. Won't speak about anything. But likes guilt trips. The whole madonna /whore scenario. His mother pimped him out when he was very young. Has she ever been taken to task?. No but I have. Continuously. Somehow it is my fault. Everything always is.
In a way I feel that he chose me knowing that I would stay and try and fix things. It's in my nature. But this can't be fixed. His fear of abandonment is overwhelming. But he pushes everyone away with his behaviour. He has no close friends only aquaintances. I think it's because he cannot keep up the facade. He portrays something which is the opposite of the reality that he really is. He is an emotional vampire that drains your soul.
I have never spoken to anyone about how I really feel or told anyone at all about how my life really is. It's a secret and it has only perpetuated the abuse. More than half my life gone and it's my fault.

Wow... .
I had only been in a relationship for a year and just ended it two weeks ago, so i applaud those who have lasted a day more than that. I did not know that my guy was BPD at first I thought he was bipolar. This guy was the most avoidant personality I had ever dealt with and his mood swings were so extreme that I had to watch every word i would say. I started questioning my worth, my beauty everything, then i realize it was him and every relationship in his life that caused him distress.  However when it was said and done I realized I had control over myself and what i would and would not allow in my life and if I did allow it how i would or wouldn't allow it to affect me. I know its easier said than done, but every step of making uncomfortable decisions brought me closer to a better me. Don't focus on what you can't do or didn't do. Focus on what you can and do that. Take steps not leaps and figure out what you love to do, it will be a nice distraction. That was a hard one for me because what I like to do is take care of other people and fix them. 

[Damaged92]

Thanks shabazz,
You are right. I do need to concentrate on me. Not him. My trouble like you is my need to help people. But unlike you it took me too long to realise that I cannot fix people. They need to want to change for themselves. They need to realise that they have a problem and it isn't everyone else. I need to live my life for me and not for what he demanded,expected of me. Even if you give them everything they will still turn around and ask for more. It's never enough. But things need to change.
I need to figure out what I do love because I'm not sure. There never was anytime for me. All the children will be gone soon. Time to spread my wings. See what happens. Possibilities.

[pbnjsandwich]

I cannot believe that so much time has passed and how much of me that I have lost. I don't know who I am anymore.
It's only in the last few years that we finally have a name for the absolute crazy that we have been subjected to. The controlling, gas lighting, splitting, sulking, rages, jealousy, paranoia etc. And of course the absolute denial that he is doing anything. It's never him. It's always someone else. He is 'normal'. It's me that's crazy. And maybe now I am a little crazy. I doubt myself entirely because I have been worn down until there is not much of me left. Not intelligent. Not confident. Not anything anymore.
He won't get help. Won't speak about anything. But likes guilt trips. The whole madonna /whore scenario. His mother pimped him out when he was very young. Has she ever been taken to task?. No but I have. Continuously. Somehow it is my fault. Everything always is.
In a way I feel that he chose me knowing that I would stay and try and fix things. It's in my nature. But this can't be fixed. His fear of abandonment is overwhelming. But he pushes everyone away with his behaviour. He has no close friends only aquaintances. I think it's because he cannot keep up the facade. He portrays something which is the opposite of the reality that he really is. He is an emotional vampire that drains your soul.
I have never spoken to anyone about how I really feel or told anyone at all about how my life really is. It's a secret and it has only perpetuated the abuse. More than half my life gone and it's my fault.


You're not alone, my dear.  It's very difficult living with someone that has these emotional behavioral issues. My father had BPD and I lived with those behaviors for 50 years. He passed away a few years ago.  You're not to blame. It's not your fault.  We fall into relationships that are hardly perfect. 
Get educated, take care of you and your own mental health, stop blaming yourself (Does nothing for anyone).  If you do anything positive for yourself today, stop blaming yourself. Take care of yourself. Be honest with him and yourself. Meet up with friends or family and put a little distance between you and him.  The recovery is more about you and less about him.  If he wants help, he'll get it, but it's important you start working on you.

[Damaged92]

Dear pbnjsandwich,
Thank you very much for your encouraging words. You are so right. I need to do this. Been too busy trying to fix things and not appreciating how much I was broken. Desperately need to sort myself out and gain some control over my life. Basically I need to get a life.