New. Another pill overdose, another ambulance ride.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello all,

I have spent most of the night at the Emergency room (Again) with my soon 18 year old daughter. Another pill overdose, another ambulance ride. Just waiting to hear if she will be admitted again. I'm desperately looking to speak to people who truly know what it's like to parent a child with BPD. My friends and family mean well but like anything else, unless you have gone through it, no one really knows.
She also has ADHD, major depressive disorder ( they think!) and a learning disability. She can be so loving, caring and kind and my heart hurts for her as I feel angry, frustrated, resentful and exhausted. I also have a daughter who is 21 who has depression, extreme anxiety and self harms. It has been very challenging and I am just seeking alternative supports for myself.

[Faith2018]

Hello all,

I have spent most of the night at the Emergency room (Again) with my soon 18 year old daughter. Another pill overdose, another ambulance ride. Just waiting to hear if she will be admitted again. I'm desperately looking to speak to people who truly know what it's like to parent a child with BPD. My friends and family mean well but like anything else, unless you have gone through it, no one really knows.
She also has ADHD, major depressive disorder ( they think!) and a learning disability. She can be so loving, caring and kind and my heart hurts for her as I feel angry, frustrated, resentful and exhausted. I also have a daughter who is 21 who has depression, extreme anxiety and self harms. It has been very challenging and I am just seeking alternative supports for myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello there Faith2018,

First let me welcome you here. It certainly sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Although I’ve not had to go through what you are currently going through my heart goes out to you.

You will find lots of support here on this site and other members who are willing to share their stories, you will quickly realise you are not alone.

What kind of support do you currently have?

[Faith2018]

Thank you. Honestly, I haven't had a lot of support, aside from friends saying, I'm sorry, let me know how I can help. I know everyone means well but my friends and family just get upset at my daughter for what I am going through. This hasn't been helpful.
This website is my first source of official support in a long time as I've been to counselling in the past but didn't find it helpful, perhaps not the right person... .

[Feeling Better]

Yes, I know what you mean about friends and family, they just don’t get it. I’ve had conversations with family members who probably think that I’m the one who needs help, not my undiagnosed BPD son. To anyone who hasn’t seen that side of him he is a very nice, articulate young man.

This website was my first source of help too and what a help it has been to me!

You definitely need the right counsellor, probably one that knows a lot about BPD and it’s effect on the whole family.

Keep posting, we are here for you x

[Faith2018]

With my daughter admitted into the mental health unit, is it hard to explain to people that this is the easy part... .I know she is safe. The hard part is day to day life waiting for the next crisis to come.

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith2018

 

I'd like to join Feeling Better and welcome to the community, I'm glad you found us.

I'm so very sorry your daughter is in ER again, the anxiety of not knowing when the next crisis is coming day by day is crippling, you must be exhausted ... .I've been where you are with my now 29yr daughter in 2015/16, I understand what you are going through, we are listening and here to support you as you move forward with your daughters, here's a great big hug from me  .

What's been happening Faith2018, how long have you been dealing with this, how are you coping?

We are here for you. 

WDx  

[JustYouWait]

With my daughter admitted into the mental health unit, is it hard to explain to people that this is the easy part... .I know she is safe. The hard part is day to day life waiting for the next crisis to come.

That was always the hardest part for me to explain to my friends and family about when my kid was inpatient, the utter relief that I felt.  It was like a vacation (a vacation from the hell that is parenting a BPD kid, not the good kind of vacation with sunshine and those drinks with the little umbrellas in them.)

And then for me, the guilt associated with feeling relief.

Oh... .and,  "Hi", by the way.  I'm justyouwait.  My kid 19 and has BPD and bipolar2.  She self-harms.

I understand where you are.  You are not alone.

Welcome to the haven.  Sit down with us.  We have room.

Feel free to post, or not.  Comment, or not.  Research, or not.  No pressure either way, but its been my experience that someone here is going through exactly what you are, so you might want to post a little and see what's out there.

Welcome.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I know everyone means well but my friends and family just get upset at my daughter for what I am going through. This hasn't been helpful.

Welcome, Faith2018. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also glad you get a little break while she's in inpatient.

Family members can be the worst offenders. My parents get so upset and angry at my daughter for what she's put me through and the stress she has caused, and they bad mouth her. It's the least helpful thing they could possibly do!

I found a therapist who used to treat BPD patients and she has been a tremendous support. Having treated a large number of these folks she truly understands what it's like. Maybe you could find someone who specializes in personality disorders. I ask my therapist for how she would approach issues clinically and it helps immensely.

[Faith2018]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. The nurse at the hospital was great last night, best yet. Gave some good advice about how we should be with my D while she is in hospital... .and not make it to comfortable to be there as she demanded a list of home comforts to be brought to her. Driving home I realized how often we gave into her demands because of fear of meltdowns. Realized I that have to find a good therapist...

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith2018

How’s it going today?

quote Faith2018
Thank you all for your kind words and support. The nurse at the hospital was great last night, best yet. Gave some good advice about how we should be with my D while she is in hospital... .and not make it to comfortable to be there as she demanded a list of home comforts to be brought to her. Driving home I realized how often we gave into her demands because of fear of meltdowns. Realized I that have to find a good therapist...

I am sure that statement will resonate with so many parents on here, it certainly does with me, it goes hand in hand with the idea of us walking on eggshells. Have you read about Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG)? When I first read about it I realised that I was deeply in the FOG!

Emotional Blackmail:Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Great to hear that you realise that you need to find yourself a good therapist, you won’t be able to help your daughter unless you help yourself first   

[Yepanotherone]

Hello there Faith2018 , welcome to our sanctuaryand here’s a big huge hug from me to you   because I know what you are going through and I feel every inch of your pain . It’s completely gut wrenching . I’ve sat by that stretcher in ER 8 times now since 2015 ( 7 of those due to suicidal thinking or actual attempts leading to hospitalization and the last one being an accidental overdose with Benadryl when my DD tried to get a “ benzie high trip “ but instead gave herself seizures !

I am not great at writing long posts , but I did do one in November last year , summarizing my story .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317714.0

We are now one year on since her last suicide attempt / last inpatient hospitalization and still going strong . My DD has not self harmed now in 9 months ( and she was a severe cutter ) , she celebrated her 18th birthday in January ( quite the milestone as she had promised herself she would be dead before her 18th birthday) she goes to work , she goes to school ( online - still working on her high school diploma ) and is very much leading a quiet , drama free life right now . Quite the opposite of the absolutely outrageous behaviors of one year ago .

Just hang in there . It will get better . I can’t stress enough how important it is to still take care of yourself and to try and have a life outwith the BPD monster .
Let us know how things are love , we are all here xxx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith2018]

Thank you Yepanotherone. I read your link to your post and our children and our journeys are very similar. My hope now is to get to the same mental space you are at. Slowly I am getting there as I accept things for what they are vs raging at why they aren't what I want them to be-healthy, functioning young adults.
Both of my daughters have BPD, my 18D is the one in the hospital right now and my 21D struggles as well, not to the same extent as my younger one at the moment, but she has been there. I'm tired. My 18D moved out after turning 18 to live with her dad so I get limited time with her, except of course when she needs something or the crisis hits.
I am on edge all the time and have the whole heart racing, stomach dropping feeling when I hear my ringtone of my cell as I associate it with a crisis. I can barely stand to look at both daughters arms and legs because I feel like I am going to throw up when I see the cuts and scars, I feel those scars on my heart.
I have just finished with court for my 18D who was charged with stunt driving, lost her license for a while and had the car I gave her for college impounded ( this was against my better judgement but I wanted to believe that she could handle the responsibility). The financial effects of this latest Incident have been significant. Once she got her license back, I am hounded daily for her to have the car again. She does marijuana and drinks alcohol so I can't trust her with this again... .
Well,my that is one of my chapters... ,thanks all for listening, xo
Both of them refuse therapy

Reading everyone's stories helps a lot, I don't feel so alone.

[Faith2018]

Hello everyone,

Just to update. My 18D got discharged from the mental health unit on Monday (which was actually my birthday too). She of course wanted to go to her dads, he works the night shift so I think she likes being there alone at night, which is a worry in and of itself. Very little follow up plan from the hospital, mental health services are very frustrating. DBT is a 2 year wait list around here. I offered to pay for a private therapist and asked her to let me know when she was ready... .so far, she hasn't asked. As always, I feel very uncertain on how much to press/ offer, it seems like I end up doing and saying the wrong things all the time  There was a time I thought I knew how to parent and felt confident but I lost that over the past several years as my girls' illness worsened. 18D went back to school the next day after being discharged so that was good... .maybe? She refuses to talk about what is on her mind and wants to pick up where she left off. The  College has been very supportive of her because she missed 2 weeks around Christmas because of a suicide attempt and 2 week hospital stay. They have given her extra time to catch up.
On a positive note, my 21D saw a counsellor this past week, I pray that she continues. Along with her BPD, she suffers from crippling anxiety and has a hard time speaking to strangers... so that was a big step for her. I love them both so much and it is tough watching both of them struggle and suffer.
I am still searching for the right therapist for me, hopefully the next time I post, I will at least have an appt. date.

[Yepanotherone]

Hi Faith , it’s definitely a good idea to get yourself a therapist who can support YOU in this journey .

My eldest daughter is 21 , she’s doing great now but she too had some wobbles around 18/19 . She had left home to go to Uni and was very unhappy at the University and was academically burning herself out . She was on antidepressants for a few months around 19 years old but came off them . She’s back at Uni now and is happy as Larry . I’m very close with my eldest , we spend a lot of time together , she’s my buddy and I’m hers . I used to share this with my youngest too . It bothers me that my youngest doesn’t want to have this closeness right now and as you say , it feels i often say the wrong thing. She’s so difficult to talk to sometimes particularly around anything to do with her private life and if I ask if she’s doing okay when she seems down , I get an eyroll accompanied by “ Wow Mum you’re insane and so annoying . I’m fine just leave me in peace “ . She used to be such a mummy’s girl but I guess her age in addition to her mental health issues means she just doesn’t want to have a very close relationship with me just now . She would rather share her deepest feelings with friends . I’ve accepted that and I hope over time she’ll want a strong mum/daughter relationship again .

I had a bit of a wobble earlier this week . Things have been going so well and life has some normality and peace in it now , but I’m still ever so cautious and terrified that things will go sour again at the drop of a hat .
My DD has been quite withdrawn over the last few days and spending a lot of time in her room . She’s been sketching a lot ( one of her coping skills). When she’s presenting like this , that knot in my stomach returns . I was sitting at work at my desk and my phone started ringing . Her boyfriends Mum was trying to call me . My stomach literally lurched , my heart started racing. I was scared to pick up the call and waited for it to go to voicemail . My hand was shaking as I picked up to listen to the voicemail . I expected something along the  lines of “ my son is really worried for your DD, she’s talking about killing herself and can you Check on her immediately please.”  I’ve had so many frantic calls and texts from my DD’s friends in the past  , and that knotted fear just returned this week with all guns blazing . Just because my DD was isolating herself over a few days. I hadn’t experienced that sick feeling with anxiety on quite some time because I haven’t had cause to and it surprised me just how quickly it returned! Proving that I’m still not 100% strong and confident. What I AM better at doing is leaving her be when she’s like this . I have this tendency to go into her room and to try and have her open up to me, but it always fails and she just gets annoyed . I am better at talking myself down when that anxiety threatens to send me in a spin . And my husband , forever the logical one , reminded me that this is par for the course “ she’s going to have her ups and downs, we just have to accept it and learn to live with it , and trust that she can work herself out of it again “.

Tonight she’s back ... .watching tv with us , went out for dinner with her sister , sat and giggled for a while on the sofa , and asked what I’d look to do tomorrow “ you’re complaining about me not spending time with you so what do you  want to do something tomorrow “? Said with eyeroll ! Lol but it’s better than her locking herself away in her room .

Faith you and I share the same journey as do many here. We are here for each other always . Keep posting

Oh and byw ... .that phonecall  that got me all worked up was simply my DD’s boyfriends mum inviting us over for dinner on Easter Sunday !

[El’s Mama]

Hi Faith2018,

The bit you have shared so far mimics my story, sadly. I relate to the ER visits, the relief when he had to stay, the exhaustion, the guilt. My 18 year old son was taken to the ER 12 times over a 3 month period. Sometimes it was I who rushed him there, after an attempted overdose (there have been several), or brought by paramedics or by local police (once in handcuffs).  I reached a point, finally, where o wouldn’t even go pick him up. Let him walk home. My reaction really didn’t matter either way. There was never any change in his behavior. So frustrating. So soul-draining. I have literally felt that the life was being sucked out of me.

I will echo the suggestions of others:  find yourself a therapist will knowledge and experience with BPD. This has been a life-saver for me more than once.

I also relate to not getting the help/support you need from family and friends. They listen to me but don’t truly understand and, therefore, cannot offer suggestions that are actually healthy or effective. They can listen but the support ends there. I have found that reading (here and other sites) to be effective. Not even sure why, honestly. Maybe it helps me to feel empowered if I know more? It alleviates a little of my guilt, knowing I’m doing SOMETHING. Something productive.

So please stick with us. Read. Post. It can be so freeing to state your darkest fears and your ugliest (at least we think they’re ugly) feelings.

I wish you the best. Hang in there.

[Merlot]

As always, I feel very uncertain on how much to press/ offer, it seems like I end up doing and saying the wrong things all the time  There was a time I thought I knew how to parent and felt confident but I lost that over the past several years as my girls' illness worsened.

Hi Faith2018 glad you came back to let us know how you are doing 

I can relate to this portion of your post; even when there is a diagnosis, it is still very difficult to ride the roller coaster, there is so many twists and turns and just when you think it is about to get smooth, there is another corkscrew.  But know that it is not you, it is the illness and in loving and caring for her through the ups and downs will sustain you and retain your integrity as a strong mother.

Please keep coming and sharing.

Merlot