uBPDw and her passive agressive sexaul appraoch to me

[Cipher13]

I'd like some help/clarification/or a swift logical just being blunt honest kick in the butt.

I want to keep this short and simple. I have been sleeping on the couch for a little over a week now. I am being punished. Here is why. Her exactly words:  "I’m upset with you. I figured being out of the bed and on the couch would make you have some initiative to have sex with me but that isn’t working. I hate you."

The problem is when I can muster up the drive to be close to someone who hates me to initiate I am rejected and refused. Then told she is angry because I don't have sex with her. .

Its been almost 8 months since we have. I've made many attempts to even just be a little affectionate. I am pushed away. 

[Tired_Dad]

Cipher,

I can feel your pain in this and have been through similar myself. All I can do is state some of the things that worked for me, and hope that you can take something from it.

First, when wife and I were dating I identified that she slept on the couch a lot and had some issues with the bed. We made an agreement that neither of us could ever kick the other out of the bedroom. That both of us have a right to sleep in that bed and barring any significant physical event it was to remain both of ours.

After that all I can offer you is to say that if she doesn't want to initiate and is mad at you for that you need to hold true to yourself.

If the situation comes up and you find that you are able to calmly state that you understand that she is upset about a lack of intimacy yet restate your truth that when rebuffed she is making the choice herself not to be intimate.

Right now by her casting you out of the marital bed for her choices she is only reinforcing her world view and avoiding the ownership and consequences of her actions.

Set your limits, establish a boundary, and keep true to yourself. 

[formflier]

First... .where do YOU want to sleep.  Are you letting her control your choices? 

Said another way... .if she wants alone time... she has legs... .and can walk somewhere else.  Classic BPD... .i have bad feelings... I will make others in my life move around to satisfy that.

Classic... .

You're going to have to put this in her court... .be nonchalant. 

Hey babe... .I understand you want to have sex... want to start with a backrub?  (as you have bottle of lotion in your hand)

This isn't going to be easy... .my advice is very general.

8 months... uggg

Can you fill in some backstory?  9 months ago were you  swinging from chandeliers... naked? 

Where do you think this came from?

If she were to explain where she thinks it came from... .what do you think she would say?

Dude... hang in there.

FF

[GaGrl]

Cipher, I have followed your story for multiple years now. I'd sorry your situation has not improved.I

This is blunt... .

What have you discovered about yourself over the past few years that results in your tolerating this level of marital abuse?

[Cipher13]

Formflier

I'm not really caring that much about the not being in the bed so much as that it is used to punish. So in that regard it is not working. The bed is more comfortable though. She does control 99% of my choices. Or I should say I let her control my choices.

I already do the back rub foot massage nearly every night. 9 months ago it was not like it was happening all that often either. So this isn't a shutting off of the water faucet. Being forward about my intentions are met with scoffs and sarcastic responses like "nice! really romantic"

There is a long backstory of other stuff.

Gargl what I have discover is that I am not willing to take steps that are difficult to change my situation. 

[formflier]

 
Hmm... ok.

Ask your wife for her thoughts on reestablishing intimacy... .no suggestions.  Be direct and neutral.

Listen... .at most... reflect back and make sure you have it right.

Again... no suggestions... listen and understand her point of view.  Let us know.

   

FF

[Cipher13]

I've gone down that route several times now to get her suggestions. She won't tell me. She said that I should already know how to and it is sad that I can't figure it out. Also told me to look it up online to know how to. 

[formflier]

I've gone down that route several times now to get her suggestions. 

So... do it again.  Stay neutral... .let her know it makes you sad she is choosing not to communicate her feelings and thoughts.  That's really all you can do.

Perhaps let her know you are ready to listen... .when she is ready to communicate. 

Don't argue about whether she "should" communicate.

   

Don't solve her puzzle... .she will keep changing it.


FF

[GaGrl]

Cipher, I have heard nothing change in your postings for over 3-4 years.

When you say you have learned aboutyourself, are you saying that you are unable or unwilling to make changes to improve your situation? Those are two different paths to pursuing your own therapy to help you move forward.

If you are unable, you need knowledge and learning to show options that could help your future.

If you are unwilling, you are stuck and need an entirely different level of therapy.

I know this has been asked before :

With the level of emotional and verbal abuse you receive, the level of control she exerts over your personal and work life, your level of servitude to her needs - what prevents you from packing a bag and walking out, asking your family for help in recovery from a traumatic experience?

Are you familiar with "trauma bonding"? You may be trauma bonded and unable now to separate from the person SHE has convinced you that you are.

[Cipher13]

Gagrl

I just read a few articles on trauma bonding. It does sound a lot like what I'm going through. That is probably contributing a lot to my staying in the relationship. I've been asked dozens of times what prevents me from packing a bag and walking out. I almost always say I don't really know. Emotionally I am checked out but physically and emotionally I am still here. Why? I do not fear being apart from her. I do wonder because of how much I do for her if she can or would be ok on her own. I try to tell myself I know she is capable of doing things for herself because I have seen glimpses in the past that she has been able to. 

Every fight/argument or difficult conversation I cave. I can be 100% correct and 100% honest with myself and know in my heart of hearts this isn't right but will still cave and give in. I do my absolute best to take the high road and not agitate things anymore than they are. I will just let her cut me down with an insult here and there like it doesn't phase me. But it does. Death by 1 million insults. I've told myself if it ever gets the point of a physical confrontation and she hits me  then that would be the boundary of no return. Based on my past I now think at first I might stick to it but I would still cave and go back. That scares me too.