How do you know NOT to give up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good evening! I am new to posting, tho I have been very appreciative of the support and comfort I have found on these pages! In some ways, I have not yet dealt with some of the more traumatic issues with BPD that I have seen here. I know we all experience pain and misery in dealing with this illness-I am hoping to gain some insight into my situation.

My partner and I were best friends for nearly 2 years before we were romantically involved-she and I met as a result of being incarcerated in the same facility. Next month would be 2 years since we fell in love. I have never experienced the intensity of love that I have for this woman. I have a background in mental health, so I was not unfamiliar with BPD, at least in a clinical setting. In other words, I did (at least "sort of" know what I was up against in terms of her BPD.

I have never applied the term "soulmate" to any relationship before. I genuinely felt that I had a connection to her that transcends physical location. We have had arguments in the past, but she has an unusually strong self-awareness into her own disorder, and has had some success with DBT.

I have been home for 18 months, and have been able to maintain the relationship until recently. She has become increasingly distant, telling me about 3 months ago now that "she just doesn't love me that way anymore", but that it "is nothing I have done", per se... .she also says that "she is bad at relationships", is afraid to lose me completely (even tho I have consistently reassured her I won't leave), and that she "loves me as a friend", and that I am "more valuable as a friend to her than a partner".

I have felt the need to be patient with her... .I have also consistently maintained that I will "meet her wherever she is", and that there are no "pressures" or stressful expectations from me to her. I love her more than there are words to articulate, and I was actually doing ok with the nature of the relationship shifting-sort of like being able to love someone so much that you put their needs ahead of your own!

The issue now is that she has recently started distancing herself even more from me-we are able to email and talk on the phone and write letters (tho she has never been a prolific or consistent written corespondent), and I am able to visit her once a month. Before we talked multiple times a day, lately it is not even every day. Now, she does not tell me "I love you" unless I tell her first, and even then, not always. It has also been months since she has "said" those words in an email. We used to talk about everything... .now she seems so distant, and closed-off from me. It may not be as dramatic as others have gone through... .but it is excruciatingly painful, and sad. I realize that nothing is a guarantee... .but I don't understand how she can discard my love-and even my friendship, in a way that seems very cold and uncaring to me.

She reaches out when she needs something-it feels like that is the only reason I matter to her. I would never discard love-especially the true, deep, unselfish, unconditional, unending love that I have for her. I do not want anyone else. How do I know if this is temporary? How do I know whether to "hang in there"-she had consistently told me (until 3 months ago) that I am the only person who has maintained this level of consistency and acceptance towards her-and that this quality is priceless to her-and to "not leave, even when I try to make you leave"... .now I just feel sad and confused and lonely and unlovable.

As others have shared here, I have no one in my life to discuss this with-my family are protective of me, and frankly have difficulty accepting the diagnosis, as well as the fact she is not male. I feel to terribly, utterly alone... .and it is miserable.

Sorry this got so long... .thank you for listening! Any insight you have would help. I am committed to her-but I do not know how long I can stand the "push-away". I try to focus on me... .taking care of me, doing things that bring me peace and joy and light... .and yet, all I really want is her.

Tiggerchic

[tiggerchic]

Good evening! I am new to posting, tho I have been very appreciative of the support and comfort I have found on these pages! In some ways, I have not yet dealt with some of the more traumatic issues with BPD that I have seen here. I know we all experience pain and misery in dealing with this illness-I am hoping to gain some insight into my situation.

My partner and I were best friends for nearly 2 years before we were romantically involved-she and I met as a result of being incarcerated in the same facility. Next month would be 2 years since we fell in love. I have never experienced the intensity of love that I have for this woman. I have a background in mental health, so I was not unfamiliar with BPD, at least in a clinical setting. In other words, I did (at least "sort of" know what I was up against in terms of her BPD.

I have never applied the term "soulmate" to any relationship before. I genuinely felt that I had a connection to her that transcends physical location. We have had arguments in the past, but she has an unusually strong self-awareness into her own disorder, and has had some success with DBT.

I have been home for 18 months, and have been able to maintain the relationship until recently. She has become increasingly distant, telling me about 3 months ago now that "she just doesn't love me that way anymore", but that it "is nothing I have done", per se... .she also says that "she is bad at relationships", is afraid to lose me completely (even tho I have consistently reassured her I won't leave), and that she "loves me as a friend", and that I am "more valuable as a friend to her than a partner".

I have felt the need to be patient with her... .I have also consistently maintained that I will "meet her wherever she is", and that there are no "pressures" or stressful expectations from me to her. I love her more than there are words to articulate, and I was actually doing ok with the nature of the relationship shifting-sort of like being able to love someone so much that you put their needs ahead of your own!

The issue now is that she has recently started distancing herself even more from me-we are able to email and talk on the phone and write letters (tho she has never been a prolific or consistent written corespondent), and I am able to visit her once a month. Before we talked multiple times a day, lately it is not even every day. Now, she does not tell me "I love you" unless I tell her first, and even then, not always. It has also been months since she has "said" those words in an email. We used to talk about everything... .now she seems so distant, and closed-off from me. It may not be as dramatic as others have gone through... .but it is excruciatingly painful, and sad. I realize that nothing is a guarantee... .but I don't understand how she can discard my love-and even my friendship, in a way that seems very cold and uncaring to me.

She reaches out when she needs something-it feels like that is the only reason I matter to her. I would never discard love-especially the true, deep, unselfish, unconditional, unending love that I have for her. I do not want anyone else. How do I know if this is temporary? How do I know whether to "hang in there"-she had consistently told me (until 3 months ago) that I am the only person who has maintained this level of consistency and acceptance towards her-and that this quality is priceless to her-and to "not leave, even when I try to make you leave"... .now I just feel sad and confused and lonely and unlovable.

As others have shared here, I have no one in my life to discuss this with-my family are protective of me, and frankly have difficulty accepting the diagnosis, as well as the fact she is not male. I feel to terribly, utterly alone... .and it is miserable.

Sorry this got so long... .thank you for listening! Any insight you have would help. I am committed to her-but I do not know how long I can stand the "push-away". I try to focus on me... .taking care of me, doing things that bring me peace and joy and light... .and yet, all I really want is her.

Tiggerchic

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Hi Tiggerchic.

Your reason for posting has definitely changed since July.

It looks like she might not be back home for 1-7 years. And that this point, the only thing you're still sure of is that she still considers you a friend, and that she'll reach out if she needs something.

She has become increasingly distant, telling me about 3 months ago now that "she just doesn't love me that way anymore", but that it "is nothing I have done", per se... .she also says that "she is bad at relationships", is afraid to lose me completely (even tho I have consistently reassured her I won't leave), and that she "loves me as a friend", and that I am "more valuable as a friend to her than a partner".

Is it possible she's pushing you away only because she doesn't want you to wait for her? Or do you think she might have genuinely fallen out of love with you?

-ngu

[pearlsw]

Hi Tiggerchic,

Sorry you are in such pain and feeling uncertain about her feelings for you and what to do. I hate to ask, but do you think she has possibly developed feelings for someone else? Could that be why she is pulling away?

What is the best scenario for you right now?

with compassion, pearl.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

this sounds to me like she is pushing you away because she sees herself as a burden and an inconvenience to you.

[Jessica84]

Tiggerchic - I'm sorry you are going thru this. I have heard "bad at relationships" and loves me "as a friend". Try not to take these words too personally, painful as they are to hear.

pwBPD have unhealthy coping skills. They have such a fear of abandonment they can do irrational things to escape the pain. But there is a sort of logic to it--The closer you are to them, the worse they can be hurt by you. It could also be that you have a better chance of finding someone else since you're free and she's not. Valid fear. So as her emotions start to wrestle with these fears - that's when you will feel the "push", the preemptive actions - I'll distance myself from you before you can leave me. Then it won't hurt so bad. 

Chasing her during this time will only reaffirm her decision - she may push harder. Pleading, crying or trying to prove your love = more pushback. Giving her space is essential. This will give her time to calm her emotions and think clearly again.

All of this is so unnecessary and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - what they feared the most (being hurt, left), they end up causing! Because eventually, we do give up and try to grieve the loss. Then their fears of abandonment kick in, and they pull you back in. So there will always be a little push-pull. It helps to stay in the middle - it's a safer, saner place for YOU. Her inner chaos belongs to HER. Let her work thru it. You can still be there for her, but take a step back, for now. Be patient. 

[Figures]

Hey Triggerchic,

I'm in a very similar boat to you.  I've been 'friends' with my PwBPD for 5 months now but it feels like 5 years.  We have an intense connection and hang out all the time.  It feels like an asexual relationship tbh.  There's no physical intimacy and yet there's glimpses of romance.

When he's stressed or about to split me black he'll tell me (often out the blue) that I will find someone, that he only wants to be friends.  I find myself constantly doubting myself as to whether I'm mistaken about his interest but then at other times he'll show definite signs.  I heard someone on a Youtube video describe their BPD as being locked inside a labyrinth where you only briefly get glimpses of the person at the centre.  If that's the case, then I don't think my gut instinct is wrong.  There are signs.  I took a risk and bought him flowers when he was stressed and he never complained then  (in fact he later said that I'll never know how much that meant to him).  He said he thought I should shave my beard off as he preferred clean-shaven men.  He often refers to "us" in a way friends wouldn't.  There are loads of other examples as well.  They're really fleeting so I've taken to journaling and writing them down.  It's helped steady my head.

I've told him that I accept he's incapable of having a relationship right now, but then remind him of his progress over just the time I've known him and show him that the future's not set in stone.  He says I'm the only person who's taken the time to understand him and his various issues.  He's never said he loves me but the number of times I've seen him stop himself going in for a kiss  (just before he splits black), it's like one of those will-they-won't-they dramas on TV

What hurt this week was that I always assumed that his reluctance was in part due to a nasty breakup last summer of a 4 year relationship.  Take it slow I said to myself.  But then I found out he dated someone else for 4 weeks after that (still before I knew him, but they definitely didn't put in 5 months of leg work).  I did express my hurt at this, and he tells me that he was smoking weed back then and it levelled his emotions.  He quit just before he met me and he says he's been finding it a lot harder to regulate his emotions.  He seems sincere when he says this and since I expressed hurt at this, his BPD has gone from something he rarely talks about to something he is keen to demonstrate he wants to get treatment for.

The trouble is that it's easy to be sucked in, trying to read every comment and action trying to figure out what it all means.  I learnt last night that he isn't conscious that he's splitting and it's only during a moment of forced reflection (such as when a friend ghosts him) that he figures it out.  I find myself reacting to every micro emotion and that's not healthy.  I'm currently trying to step back a little.  I tell myself that no-one else would be that patient (although this week's revelation has shaken that a little) and if he doesn't realise that now, he'll come to that conclusion eventually.  What I've learnt (from here and Youtube) is that he needs consistency, rather than me being so busy trying to fix the world around him that my emotions end up matching his own rollercoaster.

I make a point of trying to understand his BPD cycle.  For me, understanding why helps me a lot.  I might not like it, but I know that every 6 weeks, stress will build so that his EDS will swap his sleep cycles to days rather than nights.  He'll split black on me inside a week, go silent for 4 or 5 days, and then he'll be manic for a couple of days.  And then we'll be back to normal.  When he's splitting black, messages are very short.  When he's manic I get 2 or three long messages in succession.

On those days when he's splitting black, I need to validate more, expect him to be unresponsive, to push me away (that still hurts!).  I have to do the heavy lifting.

I suspect like NGU, that she's pushing away is because she doesn't want you to put your life on hold.  She's probably feeling like she'll never improve and that you'll wait around for her to be something she doesn't feel she can be.

Focus your emails on validation and don't even mention the relationship.  As harsh as this might sound, if they just want to be friends right now, let them be.  Also go do something for yourself.  I went to the cinema on my own during last week's splitting episode - I stressed through the whole movie that my phone was switched off and they might contact me.  I also bought clothes in a style that I liked but my PwBPD is less fond of.  but it allowed me to reconnect with myself and be a more stable influence in my PwBPD's life.




 

[tiggerchic]

Gosh, guys... .thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback and responses!... .I just got home from work, and off the phone with her, and so need you all!

To NGU-I have often wondered/made myself a bit crazy trying to determine if she has merely fallen out of love-isn't it ironic that in a non-BPD relationship you might not spend so much time trying to determine your SO's "real feelings"... .it is the not knowing that is hard... .

I also feel that she fears me abandoning her... .and this distance is a preemptive move.

To PearlSW-thank you so much for your compassion-I have also wondered if there is someone else-I believe that the environment she is in (because I lived it first-hand too) is bone-crushingly lonely-and shared pain bonds people. But I truly don't think so, at least at this point (at least when I am feeling strong and in possession of strong self-esteem:). As far as the best scenario for me right now?-do you mean what I want, or the best possible outcome of this relationship?

To Joe-I agree that she sees herself as a burden-she definitely has "classic" BPD symptoms and behaviors, but is also incredibly self-aware. I believe when she says that deep down inside, she feels unworthy and unlovable. And as I feel sure you may be able to relate, no reassurance from me help to alleviate those feelings for her!

And to Jessica84- "Chasing her during this time will only reaffirm her decision - she may push harder. Pleading, crying or trying to prove your love = more pushback. Giving her space is essential. This will give her time to calm her emotions and think clearly again." 

Thank you for what I know is wonderful, sage advice!... .Following it, however... .I have always said that I will accept her where she is... .and that my love and commitment and connection to her are truly unconditional-I just wish I knew where her heart really lies... .but I actually have already seen positive results from giving her space... .my calm is also her strength (no pleading and crying or trying to prove my love), and my consistency leads to her trust. I cannot imagine dating someone else-I love her... .all of her... .the good, the bad, the ugly, her hurts and pain, her joy and hope! I have not let her push me away completely-I will "back up"-give her space-still make sure she knows I am here, and am never "going to run". I am trying so hard to be patient with her-and no one but you all understand WHY I would even WANT to be patient!

Thank you all for your ears and your big, fuzzy hearts!

It is a HUGE comfort to not feel so terribly alone in all of this!

Love and light and big, squishy hugs!
Tiggerchic

[tiggerchic]

Ok, I have to say to you, Figures-I relate to so much of what you post that it is uncanny!

"I've told him that I accept he's incapable of having a relationship right now, but then remind him of his progress over just the time I've known him and show him that the future's not set in stone.  He says I'm the only person who's taken the time to understand him and his various issues."

I have heard those EXACT words... .and now find myself doubting their sincerity... which is super-painful!... No one else in my life is willing to hear about any of this-all my family sees is that she causes me pain... and they do not really "buy into" knowledge or compassion about her illness... .

"The trouble is that it's easy to be sucked in, trying to read every comment and action trying to figure out what it all means."
Boy, I soo can relate to that, too! And I am so sorry for the pain your SO caused pain with the recent revelations you shared! I also think my SO ("friend"?) is not always in good control of the things she may say to me! Last evening she'd said some pretty bleak, harsh things (which included that she is unsure if she will even speak to me after she is released!... .and in the past when I have been split black, much worse!... .I have learned to NOT internalize these things, and even to not necessarily assign meaning to them... .and just back up, and give her space... .this evening she was much more like her "normal self", and told me she loves me... .appreciates all I do for her... .and my unwavering loyalty to her... .and even my "unswerving support" of her... .but is is unbelievably hard, isn't it? To feel strong... .to love myself... .to do things for myself... .is ridiculously impossible at times!

"Focus your emails on validation and don't even mention the relationship.  As harsh as this might sound, if they just want to be friends right now, let them be.  Also go do something for yourself.  I went to the cinema on my own during last week's splitting episode - I stressed through the whole movie that my phone was switched off and they might contact me.  I also bought clothes in a style that I liked but my PwBPD is less fond of.  but it allowed me to reconnect with myself and be a more stable influence in my PwBPD's life."

God, I am trying!... .really trying! I run and lift and do yoga and meditate... .and these activities give me peace... .and I think you are right on the money with these things that allow me to feel peace-feel grounded and connected also helps me be a more stabilizing influence in her life! I try too, to understand her cycling... .and it helps me cope!

My family expresses worry and anger that I am "holding on to hope for nothing"... .but I am not convinced-does this make sense? She brings me joy-on some level, even when she also causes me pain-I have to believe that she DOES love me too-at a recent visit, she actually said that "she is doing the best she can" towards me!

As you describe-I am well-versed in the "heavy lifting"... .I just wish she could just relax-feel secure in my love-and just freely return it!

TC:)