My BPD ex devalued me, and is now idealizing her ex

[whiteknight4152]

I dated my ex girlfriend for 6 months. She is five years older than me. She hadn't been in a relationship for over a year. All her past relationships were toxic and abusive. She told me she had BPD when we first started dating. She loved me harder than anyone i've ever met, and we shared everything in common. We were each others everything. We loved each other so deeply, and planned on it till the day we died. her friends and family would always tell me that i'm the only guy they've liked out of all the guys she's dated. all her other ex's were terrible towards her. About a month ago she broke up with me due to all the overwhelming stress in her life. Our relationship and love for each other had nothing to do with it. She didn't think she deserved me or that it was fair for me to stay with her. i told her to promise me that if anything happened with us again naturally again, she would let it happen and not force me out because she thought she would just drag me down or that she didn't deserve my love. after weeks trying to get her back playing the hot and cold game, she finally erupted on me telling me how i make her feel unsafe in her home, how she has split me black, and how she will never see me in the same light again. Even though i did nothing but love her unconditionally. she says everything she told me was a lie and she shouldn't have said those things. She went as far as saying " oh good job here is your gold F***ing star for dating someone 5 years older than you". she said she never wants to see me again but if i ever need anything or help she's there for me. She's since blocked me on everything and is now back with her "abusive" ex within a weeks time posting pictures of all the things WE HAD PLANNED on doing together. She's already saying i love you to him too. I don't know how its possible to idealize me tell me i'm her everything one moment, devalue me into some monster, then idealize and say i love you to her toxic ex the next. Everyone wants me to be angry and tell me she doesn't deserve me after everything i've done for her and the way she's treated me. My friends and family tell me that its her BPD, she is fake, and that she doesn't really love her ex the way she's portraying. We loved each other so much, i don't know how things turned sour so quick. If she asked me back at this moment i would go back even if i had to repeat this cycle. I love her so much but i don't know what else to do, she has split me black for no reason. I also don't know how its possible to be in love with someone a week after she broke up with me, especially someone who treated her badly. I guess if things are meant to be, they will.

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[pearlsw]

Hi whiteknight4152,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can understand your shock. Remember that you simply can't evaluate such behavior based upon what you or a non might typically do. These behaviors are part of an illness and it is so hard and painful to experience such sudden changes - it can be truly mind bending.

Do you have any contact at all now? Or has she completely cut you off?

with compassion, pearl.

[whiteknight4152]

She has completely shut me out. She continues to block me on every platform she can. It’s like each time she thinks of me, she blocks me on something else. When I last seen her and she tore me to pieces, it was a version of her I’ve never seen. She says you can blame this on my BPD all you want but I’m clearer than I’ve ever been. She’s obsessed with this idea that all she is is a cold hearted person and all she does is run.  She said I thought I made it clear we were done the last three times you were here. I said no, the first time we broke it ended with us kissing and going on about how we loved each other. The second time I showed up, I told her how I became codependent in the relationship and that I was sorry for all my mistakes. She then gave me a passionate hug, let me kiss her cheek and forehead and I told her I loved her and she said I know. I then asked her to think about what I said and she said I will. After I told her that she started yelling, “I NEVER F***ing said that!” She went on about how she’s paranoid doing the dishes because she’s constantly looking out the window to see if somebody is coming through her gate because of me. But then she goes on about how I never want to see you again but if you ever need me I’ll be here?  I had my friend look at her social media and she’s all over her ex again doing activities that WE planned on doing together and saying I love you’s All over his posts. From what we had, I don’t know how she can just erase me so easily when I did nothing but accept her for who she was and love her anyways. Everything she said to me that last day was to hurt me and push me away I think. Her behaviors match the disorder to a T, and I hope one day she realizes that she split me black for no reason. She said once I’ve split you black there is no unturning that switch, yet I didn’t do anything. All I want is to be cordial with her for now, but she’s got in her mind I’m some monster to justify what she’s doing getting back with her ex is okay.

[whiteknight4152]

Hi whiteknight4152,


Do you have any contact at all now? Or has she completely cut you off?

She has completely shut me out. She continues to block me on every platform she can. It’s like each time she thinks of me, she blocks me on something else. When I last seen her and she tore me to pieces, it was a version of her I’ve never seen. She says you can blame this on my BPD all you want but I’m clearer than I’ve ever been. She’s obsessed with this idea that all she is is a cold hearted person and all she does is run.  She said I thought I made it clear we were done the last three times you were here. I said no, the first time we broke it ended with us kissing and going on about how we loved each other. The second time I showed up, I told her how I became codependent in the relationship and that I was sorry for all my mistakes. She then gave me a passionate hug, let me kiss her cheek and forehead and I told her I loved her and she said I know. I then asked her to think about what I said and she said I will. After I told her that she started yelling, “I NEVER F***ing said that!” She went on about how she’s paranoid doing the dishes because she’s constantly looking out the window to see if somebody is coming through her gate because of me. But then she goes on about how I never want to see you again but if you ever need me I’ll be here?  I had my friend look at her social media and she’s all over her ex again doing activities that WE planned on doing together and saying I love you’s All over his posts. From what we had, I don’t know how she can just erase me so easily when I did nothing but accept her for who she was and love her anyways. Everything she said to me that last day was to hurt me and push me away I think. Her behaviors match the disorder to a T, and I hope one day she realizes that she split me black for no reason. She said once I’ve split you black there is no unturning that switch, yet I didn’t do anything. All I want is to be cordial with her for now, but she’s got in her mind I’m some monster to justify what she’s doing getting back with her ex is okay.
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[juju2]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I am going thru a bad time w my pw BPD.  It sucks, because i remember the good times.

This community has been such a life line to me.

The last 5 months have been the worst... .

I had to get close to friends that love me unconditionally, and do self care.  Force myself.

I also started taking classes at the community college, just fun stuff, after work.

I can just sink into a pit, because that is where I was headed.  I am still very messed up, sad, concerned, hopeful, and am trying to do things for myself that are healthy... .

If he were to come back, it will be better for me to be in a healthy place... .

Give yourself time, read here, learn here.  This community has strength, experience, and hope that lifts me.  I am so thankful for each person in this community.

Hang in there,

j

[whiteknight4152]

If he were to come back, it will be better for me to be in a healthy place... .

Give yourself time, read here, learn here.  This community has strength, experience, and hope that lifts me.  I am so thankful for each person in this community.

Hang in there,

j

Thank you for the positive words juju2. There’s such a large void where my girlfriend was, I just have to try and fill that again with my own individuality until something further develops. No matter what she has made me out to be, or who’s she’s replacing me with, I still love her. Everyone says i’d be crazy to take her back at this point after what she’s done to me, but I’d still forgive her. This community here has been incredible to me, and I’m so lucky to have found it along the way.

[whiteknight4152]

I am currently staying strong during this NoContact phase since I have been devalued and her ex is being idealized. I think NC is best at the moment, because I feel like if I did try to contact her, while she’s viewing me this way it’s just gonna be worse for me. I’m respecting her strong boundaries and wishes, as much as they hurt me. Would it be wrong to send her a short message in a month or so wishing her luck during finals week? Just to let her know I haven’t stopped thinking about her, and that I hope she’s doing well?

[Tattered Heart]

I think that's a question for you to answer for yourself. Do you think it would be wrong to send a nice note? What would be the purpose in it? Is it to test the waters to see where she is at? To re-initiate contact? Or to genuinely just wish her well?

Regardless of your decision in the matter, understanding your own motivations could help you decide what to do and how to respond when/if she responds to text.

[whiteknight4152]

I think that's a question for you to answer for yourself. Do you think it would be wrong to send a nice note? What would be the purpose in it? Is it to test the waters to see where she is at? To re-initiate contact? Or to genuinely just wish her well?

Regardless of your decision in the matter, understanding your own motivations could help you decide what to do and how to respond when/if she responds to text.

I personally do not see any harm in sending her a brief message wishing her luck and sending good vibes. I was just curious if I would make it worse for my image in her eyes since she previously devalued me/painted me black, and we are currently NoContact. The purpose in it for me would be to genuinely wish her well and that I hope she's doing well. Also to let her know that I have no malice towards her and that I really hope she's doing good. I really wouldn't expect a response, but at least she knows that her behavior towards me has not tainted her image in my mind. I forgive her, I love her, and I hope she finds peace. Yes, the hopeful side of me would love for us to re-initiate contact.

[CryWolf]

I forgive her, I love her, and I hope she finds peace. Yes, the hopeful side of me would love for us to re-initiate contact.

hey whiteknight,
Im sorry youre in a difficult position. I am going through something a bit similar but my ex has painted me black like her ex. She is portraying me as a monster as well. When you see/hear these things you feel the need to act. But acting more often than not will push them away. What everyone on this forum is suggesting in my personal situation right now is no contact and letting her feelings thaw. letting her process everything and giving her the gift of space and time to miss me. I know every ounce and fiber wants to contact her and have some connection.

If you do re-initiate contact and you guys talk again, are you okay seeing her with her ex, and being only a friend to her? I know this is a difficult question to ponder.

Im sorry if this was answered before but how does your support system look right now? Do you have friends and family you can engage with to get your mind off her? What works best for me is coming here and posting as much as I can. The more I talk about it, the more I feel better and my anxiety becomes soothed. (even if im repeating myself).

[whiteknight4152]

If you do re-initiate contact and you guys talk again, are you okay seeing her with her ex, and being only a friend to her? I know this is a difficult question to ponder.

Im sorry if this was answered before but how does your support system look right now? Do you have friends and family you can engage with to get your mind off her? What works best for me is coming here and posting as much as I can. The more I talk about it, the more I feel better and my anxiety becomes soothed. (even if im repeating myself).

Hey CW,
If I send the message next month, I’m not necessarily looking for a reply. I just want her to know that by sending her a message wishing her well, she knows I don’t hate her. She knows that no matter what she’s done, I still view her as the girl I fell in love with. I don’t know if I could continue to talk to her unless she ended this sudden relationship with the ex. That would tear me apart knowing that yes, I’m talking to her again, but she’s with another guy. Either way, she knows I still love her and think of her; that I do not hate her for what she did. Maybe that would show her, wow, he really cares. My support system is good, everyone thinks I’m the crazy one for still feeling about her the way I do and that I forgive her after everything she has done to me. I still can’t wrap my head around her being in love with another guy(who treated her poorly) a week after being in love with me. However, based on what everyone is telling me here, I can’t evaluate her behavior the same as someone who didn’t have BPD. Writing here helps a ton, and this community gives incredible advice and tips.

[CryWolf]

Hey CW,
If I send the message next month, I’m not necessarily looking for a reply. I just want her to know that by sending her a message wishing her well, she knows I don’t hate her. She knows that no matter what she’s done, I still view her as the girl I fell in love with. I don’t know if I could continue to talk to her unless she ended this sudden relationship with the ex. That would tear me apart knowing that yes, I’m talking to her again, but she’s with another guy. Either way, she knows I still love her and think of her; that I do not hate her for what she did. Maybe that would show her, wow, he really cares. My support system is good, everyone thinks I’m the crazy one for still feeling about her the way I do and that I forgive her after everything she has done to me. I still can’t wrap my head around her being in love with another guy(who treated her poorly) a week after being in love with me. However, based on what everyone is telling me here, I can’t evaluate her behavior the same as someone who didn’t have BPD. Writing here helps a ton, and this community gives incredible advice and tips.

I think she knows you love her based off everything you mentioned. Do you want to reach out for some sort of closure on your end or do you think it will take you out of being painted black? I know it sucks being blocked off on everything. Im in the same position.

Friends and family wont understand our relationship. A lot of my friends call me "stupid" and tell me to move on, let it go, she not the one for you. etc. You can imagine, how hard it is to explain to people how much you love a person despite how much they hurt you. Because you know the person and know they dont intend to hurt you and its not them but sadly it is. Its a terrible gut wrenching feeling.

Glad you enjoy this forum. Ive join a month ago, and have learned so much from everyone here. I came in here feeling worthless, extremely depressed, invalidated, etc but the more I learn and come here and get all this advice from people it makes you feel like you are not alone and not going crazy.

[whiteknight4152]

I think she knows you love her based off everything you mentioned. Do you want to reach out for some sort of closure on your end or do you think it will take you out of being painted black? I know it sucks being blocked off on everything. Im in the same position

I really just want to pull myself out of the black. I know a message won’t do it alone, but I think staying NC as I have until next month, it shows her that I respect her wishes, yet I still wish her well. In the end, it’s gonna have to be her decision on whether she can paint me white again. In my mind, she painted me black because I was sort of everything she wanted in a partner. We never fought, just loved deeply. I think she was afraid of me abandoning her in the long run or think I’d get sick of her moods  or me making some mistake and her being let down. I think she went back to the ex because since he’s already let her down before, it won’t be hard to leave when he messes up again.  She needs to know for herself that she is worthy and deserving of a true love, even on days where she thinks she deserves nothing but the worst.