I am... tired

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The past 3 years have been a whirlwind for me. I moved back to the states, completed a graduate degree, broke off all contact with my ex, got a new job that taxed me more than I had hoped, left it... .and now that I've had a couple of weeks away from everything... .I realize that I am exhausted.

It's hard to believe where all of that time went. Sometimes I try to remember and really just can't. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, and it feels amazing not to anymore. I've been working on some personal projects lately. Writing, making music, re-connecting with old friends, doing new things and meeting new people. I am sleeping a ton. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

I'm not setting a timer for myself. I'm in good financial health and will be for some time. I want to just relax, clear the table, and re-focus on figuring out what I want. I know a bit already, but I really want to take this time to evaluate. I am not worried about too much. I feel optimistic. I feel ready to discover new things. I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this. I just wanted to share.

Anyone here ever just put a hold on everything? I'd be curious to here your story.

[valet]

The past 3 years have been a whirlwind for me. I moved back to the states, completed a graduate degree, broke off all contact with my ex, got a new job that taxed me more than I had hoped, left it... .and now that I've had a couple of weeks away from everything... .I realize that I am exhausted.

It's hard to believe where all of that time went. Sometimes I try to remember and really just can't. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, and it feels amazing not to anymore. I've been working on some personal projects lately. Writing, making music, re-connecting with old friends, doing new things and meeting new people. I am sleeping a ton. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

I'm not setting a timer for myself. I'm in good financial health and will be for some time. I want to just relax, clear the table, and re-focus on figuring out what I want. I know a bit already, but I really want to take this time to evaluate. I am not worried about too much. I feel optimistic. I feel ready to discover new things. I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this. I just wanted to share.

Anyone here ever just put a hold on everything? I'd be curious to here your story.

[heartandwhole]

Hi valet,

I can relate very much to what you've written here! First of all, you sound in a really good place. A big PAUSE for self-care, reflection, opening to the new... .it sounds absolutely wonderful to me.  

I can imagine how tired you are. I think many of us get busy after these breakups. I did, too. It was good for me. Then at some point, we may realize that we are still somehow running—toward something, away from something. That our priorities and needs are evolving.

Do you feel that is what happened with you?

After my breakup, I went back to school, quit my job(s), moved countries, eventually started a job in a totally different field. When I first got here, I put pressure on myself to go further in my education to increase my professional prospects. As I navigated the obstacles, tried various avenues, etc., I realized that overall quality of life is more important to me than getting a better-paying job.

Like you, I need time for creative activities, outdoor time, quiet time to reflect, or to do whatever comes to me to do. I do worry sometimes about how this lifestyle will affect my financial life in the future, for example, but I keep reminding myself that life is now, not in 20 years. (I also have experienced enough losses of people close to me to reinforce that idea in my mind).

So, to me, this sounds like a fantastic time to open to possibilities, take good care of yourself, and really get settled into the present. It's all we have, after all. And I've found there is tons to explore here and now!

heartandwhole

[MeandThee29]

Yes, tired. Some of it is my age. A few of my friends were able to retire early, but that's down the road somewhere for me. Last month I finished five months of intense counselling and am now on "maintenance." We moved this month. I'm cleaning out the old house in preparation for putting it on the market. I'm still job hunting.

I think I won't feel as tired this summer when things come together a little more. The uncertainty is tiring in itself.

But there's always something good in life. In our new place, I have a rose bush coming to life outside my window, and the trees are budding behind it. I'm really enjoying watching the transformation. It gets me hope.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi valet,

Taking time out to consider what you want and nurture yourself is an excellent move.   

I can relate to feeling exhausted.  During the last year, aside from recovering from my r/s, I've put things on hold as I had the immediate priority to focus on of getting through a custody battle over my son.  Now that it is over, I realise how worn out I am and like you I am sleeping tons.  At the same time I'm taking baby steps towards reclaiming my self care, am studying art and photography and working to a goal of a change of direction too.  The pieces will come together.  Enjoying being in the present is the best gift we can give ourselves.  It's great that you decided to post and share this.

Love and light x   

[Insom]

I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, and it feels amazing not to anymore. I've been working on some personal projects lately. Writing, making music, re-connecting with old friends, doing new things and meeting new people. I am sleeping a ton. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

Yes!  I applaud this.  It sounds like you are exploring what life can look like when you take some self-imposed pressure off.

I'm not setting a timer for myself . . .  I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this. I just wanted to share.

It sounds like you're doing great!  This is a great attitude.   

Anyone here ever just put a hold on everything? I'd be curious to here your story.

There have been a few times in my life when I realized that whatever I was doing before just wasn't working and I've taken time off to readjust. I've spent a great deal of time in the last year processing an abusive relationship I had with a person with BPD when I was a teen. What I have learned is that while I am doing ok with relationships, I have really struggled with career stuff where I express a pattern of intensity (intense work followed by collapse) and struggle with co-dependency in relationships with mentors.

I do feel time bearing down and sometimes feel anxious about that.  I don't think I'm entirely through my striving years, though there is an awareness I need a balanced life that allows time for all these wonderful things you mentioned in your post - friends, music and so on. 

[babyducks]

Hi valet,

     me too.    for the last two years as I recovered from the loss of my home, the end of my BPD relationship and the death of my mother, I have been running the emotional equivalent of marathon once a week.    I also feel exhausted and am sleeping a lot.

I am working towards slowing down.    and removing or lightening those self imposed pressures.   my big step towards that'  is actually sitting down and scheduling time off from the job this summer.   rather than push to my limits, go and go until I have to go lay down and rest, I am actually planning vacation time.   Wow.    what a concept.

I am right there with you.

'ducks

[valet]

Thanks for the support everyone! I appreciate your responses.  

I can imagine how tired you are. I think many of us get busy after these breakups. I did, too. It was good for me. Then at some point, we may realize that we are still somehow running—toward something, away from something. That our priorities and needs are evolving.

Do you feel that is what happened with you?

I can't say for sure that I was running from anything in particular (maybe I was, maybe I wasn't), but I have pushed myself quite a bit in that time. In some respects I did get nervous. I'm relatively young and I didn't want to find myself in the position of looking back and feeling like I wasted a big chunk of my 20s.

I wanted to be a bit more career oriented and gain professional skills. I think this is pretty normal, and necessary to set myself up for the future. The tradeoff is that it came at a cost, and I was sacrificing doing what I love a bit too much. Outside of my social life I practically had no time to pursue my interests without burning out.

Soo, now that I think about it, yeah. I've found that my priorities do need some shifting. You hit the nail right on the head.

But there's always something good in life. In our new place, I have a rose bush coming to life outside my window, and the trees are budding behind it. I'm really enjoying watching the transformation. It gets me hope.

I think that this is a good thing to be thinking about. I can identify. For a while I felt like I was moving so fast that I couldn't kick back and appreciate the little things in life. Or I did, but not nearly enough. The past couple weeks have been great in that respect. I find my mind wandering off, not because I need distraction from something stressful, just because... .it's a nice feeling.

I am working towards slowing down.    and removing or lightening those self imposed pressures.   my big step towards that'  is actually sitting down and scheduling time off from the job this summer.   rather than push to my limits, go and go until I have to go lay down and rest, I am actually planning vacation time.   Wow.    what a concept.

I hear you big time here. For a while I think I was nervous that if my schedule wasn't full my anxieties would take over, or I would be so bored that it would drive me crazy. I can't say that this isn't true, but the balance wasn't there.

When I think about it, in the past 3 years I've taken a grand total of 3 vacations, two of which have come in the past 9 months. I was working 50+ hours a week for 3 years straight, with essentially no time off! 

It was almost like I had forgotten how to really relax... .cause even when I went away I would be worrying about what I was gonna do. I started to miss doing the things that I love to do, and couldn't find the time to do them. It was a vicious cycle.

A few weeks ago I took a trip to visit a friend and it actually felt like a real vacation. It was wonderful. All we did was hang out, eat, play some pool, and drink a couple beers in the evening. Things like that remind me that the important things in life are pretty simple. It just a matter of priorities.

[spero]

Hey there Valet,

Just dropping a quick note to see how you're doing after 3 days? I hope that you're keeping a little more steady and have perhaps had the time to think or process more clearly what your own priorities should be at this point.

Sometimes in life, we strive so much that we forget what it means to just be in the "present" and taking in a moment. I'm glad that you were able to take a trip out visiting your friend and just doing simple things.

Keep steady and take good care.

Spero.

[Cromwell]

The past 3 years have been a whirlwind for me. I moved back to the states, completed a graduate degree, broke off all contact with my ex, got a new job that taxed me more than I had hoped, left it... .and now that I've had a couple of weeks away from everything... .I realize that I am exhausted.

It's hard to believe where all of that time went. Sometimes I try to remember and really just can't. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, and it feels amazing not to anymore. I've been working on some personal projects lately. Writing, making music, re-connecting with old friends, doing new things and meeting new people. I am sleeping a ton. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

I'm not setting a timer for myself. I'm in good financial health and will be for some time. I want to just relax, clear the table, and re-focus on figuring out what I want. I know a bit already, but I really want to take this time to evaluate. I am not worried about too much. I feel optimistic. I feel ready to discover new things. I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this. I just wanted to share.

Anyone here ever just put a hold on everything? I'd be curious to here your story.

You beat me to posting this first.

the amount of energy that has been supressed in me during the time that is now coming back is taking me by huge sense of disbelief.

you mentioned sleep, it is so refreshing to not be carrying those tangled subconscious anxieties to bed anymore, as well as having to partially sleep thinking if tonight will be another 3, 4 or 5am cries for attention.

i never used to have nightmares, extremely rare, until the downward rollercoaster ride period resurfaced itself with my ex again.

it sounds like maybe in order to distract yourself from the hurtful feelings of leaving your ex that you took on so much work and education?

 I have also started new projects at the same time that I left her, and they have helped to feel i am being productive and progressing better.

however, i do notice that they challenge me because those feelings are still there subconsciously and need to be resolved, im carrying them alongside my new career and life.

I cant just suppress and ignore them away.

 it is no different an addiction to overwork with distractions to cover up uncomfortable thoughts than any other ways people commonly mask or blot them out. as the feelings are being tackled and resolved, I notice its like that supressed energy can now be made available to be used elsewhere when you think of this at a cellular level.

its the days that i start to feel burned out (and I havent taken on extreme projects in comparison to what i could have managed before) that i tend to take a day off work, sometimes post here, and slowly but steadily as ive dealt with these feelings, realised that I own them, the happiness aswell as the sadness, and that I also owned them during the time I was with her (this took me a long time to figure out). that i start to feel so much better and not beat myself up so much but look forward to each new day.

as my ex famously said to me in the midst of tears "i look back at my life and realise im getting older and cant get it back, all the bad things that happened to me".

that in itself made me think of the fact that i was wasting valuable time of my life on someone who was just hitching a ride and despite doing so much for her monumentally, i never saw this person as ever able to take that energy i would transfer to her that she would actually use, thrive from it and by some miracle actually reciprocate some of it.

but then again, nobody said being a caretaker is an easy job.

[valet]

Hey there Valet,

Just dropping a quick note to see how you're doing after 3 days? I hope that you're keeping a little more steady and have perhaps had the time to think or process more clearly what your own priorities should be at this point.

Sometimes in life, we strive so much that we forget what it means to just be in the "present" and taking in a moment. I'm glad that you were able to take a trip out visiting your friend and just doing simple things.

Keep steady and take good care.

Spero.

Hey spero, thanks for chiming in.

I'm still taking it pretty easy. I have a part time gig lined up that starts in a couple of weeks. I'm not making long-term plans now. I do have a few ideas though!

[spero]

Hey there Valet,

Glad to be hearing from you. All the best for your upcoming gig. I hope you have a blast while you're at it.
Take it easy if you must. If you would like to share your ideas here, i would certainly like to hear about them.

Takecare and keep steady,
Spero.