Emotional Enmeshment (Incest) and Triggers

[Recycle]

Hi  

I am a victim of emotional incest by my uBPD Mom. I know I am not alone. This is one of the first times I have stated this out loud or in type.

I am 41. I have worked very hard in therapy and with practice on how to learn to be my own person and have healthy intimate relationships. I can say that, for the most part, I have succeeded! I am also working on patting myself on the back  

Recently, I have realized some very specific triggers that make coping much, much harder.

When I am sick, I get triggered.

My Mom was always (and still is) sick with many physical and mental ailments (most diagnosed, some not). Her being sick while I was growing up was an easy way to feel like her being too close to me was justified. But, what I am realizing now is that when *I* got sick as a kid, she almost basked in it. It was a great opportunity for her to pour on even more enmeshed and boundryless behaviors. Looking back, there were many trips taken to the emergency room that never needed to be. Many days home from school. Many activities limited. I have even learned (from my Dad) that she faked illnesses that I 'had' to keep me away from him after their divorce. She even prevented me from going on his health insurance when it would have provided better care.

At this very moment, I have a cold. Not a huge deal! But, whenever I am sick, the emotional triggers really get to me. My brain is wired to think that in order to feel better, I need someone to be in my space constantly to make sure my every need is met. I know that's not healthy, and I would think it was annoying if it happened. But, I still have all these feelings of resentment towards my spouse when those behaviors are not there. I keep them to myself.

Thank you so much for listening!  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Recycle,  

I don't think I've had a chance to welcome you yet, so welcome to our online family.  

I'm really glad that you took the courageous step to begin to share about such a difficult topic. It's really great that you recognize the connection between illness and the emotional support you feel you need. When a pwBPD operates in enmeshment, unfortunately as a small child we knew nothing other than that, and it became our norm. To me when I was sick, my uBPDm was kinder and paid attention to me. As an adult I often look back and say, "Who was my real mom? The nice one or the mean one?" Such confusion it creates.

I'll bump up a thread for you to read about emotional triggers/flashbacks by Pete Walker. Take a few minutes to read it, and I think you'll find some good thoughts to guide you through this.

(Here's the link)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.new#new

 
Wools

[Panda39]

Hi   right back at ya!

I just wanted to say I appreciate you sharing this I used to see the same kind of behavior with my SO's uBPDxw and their daughters. I wanted to give you a pat on the back too (I'll try not to leave a furry paw print  , it's wonderful that you are having this awareness.  I know it feels uncomfortable but your rational brain is also working here and seeing for what it is.  Nice job.

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi Recycle

I'm joining our wooly llama and panda in patting you on the back

I am a victim of emotional incest by my uBPD Mom. I know I am not alone. This is one of the first times I have stated this out loud or in type.

Emotional incest is something that can really affect people, as children but also in their adult lives. I am very sorry you experienced this and are now still affected by it.

How does it make you feel now applying the term 'emotional incest' to what you experienced?

How does applying the term 'victim' to yourself make you feel?

As this is one of the first times you are referring to yourself as a victim of emotional incest, it might help to take a(nother) look at the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board.

I am glad you've had support in helping you process what you've been through and heal. Yet given your past experiences, it does make sense to me that certain things could still trigger you.

Your mother's behavior around sickness was definitely concerning and I can understand why being sick now can trigger you so much then. Wools has referred you to some great material about managing emotional flashbacks.

My brain is wired to think that in order to feel better, I need someone to be in my space constantly to make sure my every need is met. I know that's not healthy, and I would think it was annoying if it happened. But, I still have all these feelings of resentment towards my spouse when those behaviors are not there. I keep them to myself.

You mention resentment, can you perhaps also identify any other feelings you experience when your husband does not show these specific behaviors?

[icky]

But, what I am realizing now is that when *I* got sick as a kid, she almost basked in it. It was a great opportunity for her to pour on even more enmeshed and boundryless behaviors. Looking back, there were many trips taken to the emergency room that never needed to be. Many days home from school. Many activities limited. I have even learned (from my Dad) that she faked illnesses that I 'had' to keep me away from him after their divorce. She even prevented me from going on his health insurance when it would have provided better care.

Have you heard of "Munchhausen by proxy"?
It's when mothers intentionally make their kids ill so that there is drama and attention from doctors (to put it a bit too simply). It sounds like yours could be a mild case of that or at least similar?

I also get VERY triggered when I am physically ill. My mother was a massive hypochondriac, so whenever there was an illness, there was huge drama that either we kids or she was on death's door. It makes it very hard for me to have a balanced emotional reaction to being ill nowadays.

[Fie]

Hello Recycle 


How hard for you to feel like that ! 

But ... .what an awareness !

I know that's not healthy, and I would think it was annoying if it happened. But, I still have all these feelings of resentment towards my spouse when those behaviors are not there. I keep them to myself.

Is the relationship with your spouse safe enough to share these feelings ? In a neutral moment I mean ?

[Learning2Thrive]

quote:

When I am sick, I get triggered.

But, whenever I am sick, the emotional triggers really get to me.
————————-

You are not alone.

With my mother, it really depended upon which child you were and how much it would benefit or inconvenience her.

Take your time processing this. There are a lot of self worth issues packed in here.