my BPD adult daughter is manipulating me

[Dear Prudence]

Hello everyone.  I am new to this and in the middle of a mess with my BPD daughter. It's hard to know where to start.   For over a year we didn't know where she was and couldn't contact her, and though it was awful imagining what might be happening with her, I can say it was a peaceful time.  We have reconnected, because she is being evicted from where she was staying at her ex-boyfriend's parents inlaw apartment.  She has never paid rent.  I got a call from the boyfriend's mother, letting me know she would be evicted.  We used to just think she was manipulative and selfish, and possibly using drugs.  I know she has anxiety and depression also.  But the manipulation used to make me so frustrated.  Often my husband and I gave in, to keep the peace.
 Back to today.  Now that we are really looking at this as mental illness and not drugs, or just selfish behavior, we are offering her the option of moving back home with us.  Free room and board, for her and her dog (which she has had for 7 years), but we are not willing to also accept two cats that she and the ex-boyfriend recently adopted.  We already have two dogs, and a third dog, plus a mentally ill daughter is probably more than we can handle anyway.  But, she is adamant and demanding that we accept the cats too.  During an emotional cyclone, I wavered about the cats, and now she says I have taken away her only hope in life.  If she can't have the cats move in too, she can't get well, she can't eat, she will never forgive us, and she hates us and all that we have done to her.  She even said, if she dies, it will be my fault.   I know this is her disordered brain talking but, Wow! can she say hurtful things.  She speaks/texts so fast that I know she doesn't hear me at all. 
So, my first question, of many I'm sure, is how do you set and keep boundries with an emotionaly irrational person with BPD.
I feel like I have been through the wringer. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

First boundary test.

Under what conditions can you handle her living with you? Decide now, and hold the line. Otherwise, it will be one boundary violation after another, until she leaves or you have to evict her.

[Lollypop]

Hi dear prudence

Welcome to the forum. I’m very glad you found us and you’ve come to the right place. My son27 returned home at 24 under similar circumstances. We couldn’t see him homeless, he was a drug user, he was non functioning and wouldn’t take responsibility for himself. He was very depressed when he got home, could barely lift his head and no eye contact.

So here’s what happened.

First three weeks he improved. He was glad to be home and reconnecting to his friends.  I started to push for job interviews. That failed. I started to push for doctor appointment. That failed. I pushed for him to go in benefits. That failed. I pushed for private treatment. That failed. I forced a job interview. That failed.

Reality kicked in. We had an adult who refused to work, wouldn’t seek any treatment, who wanted looking after.  What on Earth were we to do?

I changed my approach. I learnt better communication skills, learnt new tools and explored my way forwards. I became the parent he needed not the one I thought I should be. If you follow my story you can take a look for yourself.

I got myself a simple plan that kept me straight (ish!) and helped me not sweat the small stuff.

1. Improve my core relationship with my son through better communication skills. This was because, regardless what happened, whether he stayed or left, he was going to need me. I also wanted him in my life. I just had to find a way that we could align to one another.
2. Get him the financial skills he was going to need to live life (whether he worked or was on benefits)
3. Get him to live independently as we weren’t prepared to fund his life (we have our own life - he HAD to find his own way).

He’s 27 now. He loves his job. He lives independently on our lane, he chose to stay close. He’s a functioning adult. We found a way.

We gave him food and board. We stopped giving him money and it took about 4 weeks for him to feel the pain of his situation. For him that was most probably, I need money so I can smoke. I didn’t buy him anything other than food. He got himself one days casual work and his life started from there.

Your question is about boundaries. Yes, that’s very important. But what’s also important is to have the skills to communicate them well, in a way that’s supportive, firm and loving. That’s what I learnt on this forum.

My son wasn’t able to listen because he was so highly emotional. It took a long period to get him stable. I was light as a fairy while he eventually found himself in a different home environment, one that he felt able to grow in. In a calm environment we were able to see the triggers.

It’s been tiny baby steps.

I know what you mean about the “wringer”!  But honestly, you’re just beginning and you’re wisely asking good practical questions already.

Let’s get down to it.

Are you prepared manage all of these pets? 

One step ahead, if you set a limit around them “your job is to feed them”.  You may put yourself in a situation where there’s confrontation about the animals. It’s highly likely that she won’t manage them like you would. You may run up against each other. Suddenly everything is about the animals and she will react, strongly. When in actual fact you need her calm to do something else, maybe go to a treatment appointment or a class or a job interview. The cats being fed isn’t actually your bigger priority.

It takes time to work this stuff out. I didn’t set any boundary for myself - he didn’t rage. I did have limits though - simple at first “no drugs in the house”, “no smoking in the house”. I kept it simple and worked it out as I went.


How old is your daughter?

I’m sending you a big hug. I know how scared and bewildered I felt. This is my story and our situations are very different. My son was a quiet BPD and didn’t rage (well, once when I pushed his buttons).

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi there p

You must be feeling like you’re caught in between a Rick and a hard place. You obviously love your daughter very much and feeling that you can’t do right from wrong is just upsetting and exhausting at the same time.  Your daughter can’t help the way she behaves as hard as that is sometimes to fully understand. The good news is that you can control your own behaviours and how you react to her.

I encourage you to start reading up about BPD. Take a look at the top right hand side of this page. It’s all there for you. Pop back and post up if you’ve any questions or just want to vent. Reading gives power to you and this information helps you make better decisions.

You’ve got your eyes wide open and faced with a big decision as to whether or not you let your daughter come back home. Perhaps it’s time to see if you can change your approach and come up with a way that works for you.

My son has refused treatment. He didn’t want to get well. He was full of self doubt. He couldn’t think straight. He was highly emotional. Yet he found a way. I the more I did for him the more he felt he couldn’t do it. I got good at asking myself “is this my responsibility”?  No? Then it’s put in his lap gently and watching quietly while he grappled with the problem.  He only learns by consequences.

There is hope.

What kind of boundaries do you want to put in place? Remembering that boundaries are 6ft thick concrete and always come with consequences. So like - you will not hit me. Limits are flexible and can be negotiated (feed your cat)

Hugs

LP

[Dear Prudence]

hello everyone, and I am happy to have found this site.  Though forgive me if I am not posting correctly.  I think I am replying to the thoughtful responses I have gotten. 
Everything is still up in the air.  We have offered that our BPD daughter, 30, can move home and live with us.  I have made up a Conditions Agreement.  It's fairly basic:  keep her room tidy, pick up after her dog, be respectful and don't damage our home, no smoking inside, and requiring that she seek treatment or counseling.  She is livid that I won't allow her two recently required cats to also move in.   She says that if I don't let her bring her cats (and the dog) she will not get well and will not move in because she thinks I am "tearing her heart out" and hurting her "like I always have".  One of the hardest things for me to deal with, in her, is that she says things that are not true.  She says I said things that I know for absolute sure, that I did not say, that I would never say.  I suppose that this is how she is recalling event, or has made them her reality.  It's like she has read books on childhood abuse, and compiled them and made them her own.  It horrifies me to think what she believes, or what she tells other people.  And, though obviously, no childhood is perfect, hers was not abusive.  My husband/her father, is known to say insensitive things from time to time, but not in the realm of abuse.  So, is lying a part of the BPD construct?  Do they believe it when they are not in an agitated emotional state?  or is it really what they think has happened? 
And I have a question about boundaries.  It seems that she sees any boundaries (ie. I don't want two cats to come to our house), as a reason that I don't love her or care about her.  She goes on to say she will live on the street and become a prostitute rather than live with us without the cats.  I have tried to tell her that we are offering what we can, and that I'm sorry if it is not enough for her.   She has a history of badgering and bullying with her emotions until I give in, but I can't this time.  Does this "stand" come across as abandonment to a BPD person?  If I give in, the whole situation will most likely fail.  Also, I might add, that I have the assurance that the ex-boyfriend's  (whom she acquired the cats with) family will take the cats in. 
thank you for listening.  P

[Lollypop]

Hi there prudence

You’re posting is just fine so please don’t worry. I’m glad you’re still here and hanging in there  

So, is lying a part of the BPD construct?  :)o they believe it when they are not in an agitated emotional state?  or is it really what they think has happened?  

My son27 has lied, stolen from us, ignored, manipulated, accused. A intelligent, eloquent, underachiever. He didn’t want to grow up and take responsibility for himself. He worked part time for years, only earning just enough to feed his skunk habit. At 23 we’d had enough (he left him twice before) and manoeuvred him out of the house.

With BPD feelings = truth.

My son is like super power sensitive, he picks up on the slightest of slights. He felt his childhood was an unhappy one because he could only remember those tiny instances where he felt sad, was told off etc. He couldn’t look at his child photos it was that bad.

Fairness is a biggy too. When setting my limit about contributing towards the living expenses I built myself up, practised my words using a technique found in this site and told him. He accepted it straight away. It took me 6 weeks of doing a merry old dance, he finally got used to the routine. This is what I learnt - he takes time to cope with the new limit and I needed to be consistent and confident in how I spoke to him and how I reacted to him when he failed.

I stopped being critical or judgmental. I stopped reacting to his emotions. Warm, loving and firm is what’s needed.

I kept my sentences very short. I kept things really simple. With a warm loving smile.  You don’t have to JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain. I find that I do because it helps me empathise more naturally : I found it difficult at first.

He was in a highly emotional state almost all the time. Like a tightly wound up drum. Thoughts racing and constant anxiety. He couldn’t help the way he behaved. He couldn’t hear me.

Environment was really important for him. He got home at 24 and I changed my approach. I had to get him to relax if I could. I took my foot off the gas pedal and just let him be.

I stopped giving him money.

We all want the same thing: to FEEL loved and understood.

Reading about BPD is the BEST thing you can do as it will help you stop reacting to her and giving in. Knowledge is power.

I think your request to not have the cats is perfectly reasonable. When does she move in?

LP