disruptive behavior can keep us from using our time wisely, and getting our own needs met.
Upon the passing of a member of the older generation, particularly a parent, I also have had the similar reflections to formflier about time -- how to spend the time we have left, and who to spend it with.
So... .IAR, to circle around to your immediate thoughts and feelings. I wonder if you spent some time reflecting about how you spend your time and energy with respect to your kids and how you spend your time and energy with respect to the BPDish parts of your hubby and your relationship with him.
Knowing what you know now and feeling what you feel now about time and wanting to hug your children closer... .how might that impact decisions you make about how you spend your time.
Thank you all for your support.
FF, to answer your question, yes I have. It has surfaced some very uncomfortable feelings which I am struggling to deal with on top of the grief I feel.
I could list many instances where the behavior of my husband directly caused me to neglect my family. Now, mind you, my dad was also very adept at using FOG tactics, so many times I felt like a fish being pulled apart by two seagulls, but I know without a doubt that I would have taken much different actions in certain situations had it not been for the chaos and craziness of BPD behavior.
Just a snapshot... .my father was in the hospital in the spring of 2014. This was directly before he was placed in the nursing home. Mother was alone at the house and could not walk on her own. The home health care people said it was a hazard for her to be in the house alone (in case of fire, etc.) and needed someone to stay with her because her Medicare only paid for so many hours in a day, etc., etc.
Long story short, I intended to stay with my mother until Dad got out of the hospital, but one of those nights happened to fall on my first wedding anniversary. We had already arranged for childcare before the Mom thing came up, and basically uBPDh acted like an immature child using every BPD tactic you can think of to get his way, which was us leaving Mom alone in the house overnight and going to do what he wanted to do.
Never mind that it was MY anniversary too, or that my mother really needed me. He could not stand for anyone else to come before him and what he wanted.
I would do all of that so differently if I could. Regrets... .I've had a few... .thousand... .
I also am feeling an increased surge of guilt because I believe I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with uBPDh and get him the proper treatment to make him "better" so our older children could come home. Five years later... .he's still at square one, as if he never went to therapy, anger management, outpatient drug treatment, AA meetings... .you name it. Nothing took effect. Nothing. He never made any progress and I spun my wheels holding out hope while the years passed and my children now call my sister "mom".
Incidentally, she picked just absolutely precisely the most optimal time ever in the whole world (does the sarcasm show a bit) to ask me what my intentions are regarding visitation with my children. She wanted to know if I was going to seek to regain custody eventually, and she basically told me that my kids have bonded with her since she has had the little ones for most of their lives, and also told me that D9 would also not want to come live with me again because she tells my sister that she wants to "live with her forever."
Then she told me that D10 and D4 would probably be ok with coming back to live with me because (and I quote) "they'll just go to anybody. D4 would leave with a stranger."
She said all this while we were LITERALLY standing at my mother's deathbed.
And now I am second guessing myself, because that's what I do (especially as a survivor of verbal abuse) and wondering if maybe I should just let go of the idea that my kids will ever come home to me.
I refrained from reacting in the sarcastic and vehement manner that I felt inside. What I wanted to say was "are you SERIOUS, they're my CHILDREN FOR GOD'S SAKE!" but what I said was (truthfully) that I can not financially afford to have six kids right now in my current situation, but I would like to start with the overnight visits once I find a house large enough that will satisfy the court and work from there. Eventually I said possibly I would seek a joint-custody arrangement. I know that they are well provided for and they have absolutely bonded to my sister, so I would never want to take them completely away. There are kids who go back and forth between parents, so a family custody arrangement between mother and guardian would probably be similar.
Then she told me that wouldn't work. She claims some of my children would not "do well", meaning they would have relapses in behavior problems.
She refuses to believe that any behavior or emotional problems my children have could be caused by their early and abrupt separation from me. Nor does she see how she has alienated them in some ways from me and pretty much tried to replace me as their mother. They call her mom (she taught them to do that) and they call me by my first name (also her doing.)
SO... .it boils down to this. If I had put my kids first, and not wasted so much time trying to "help" uBPDh, I might not have such a big challenge facing me regarding my kids.
I didn't know, though. I did not understand the magnitude of the issues my h has. I did not understand the complexity of his disorders, behavior, symptoms or prognosis for recovery.
I can only go forward, I cannot go back. And if there's one thing to take away from my mother's passing, it's this: I will never give up pursuing a relationship with my kids.
My mother was not there for me growing up. Physically, yes, but she did not function as my mother in any capacity. Her battles with depression resulted in a suicide attempt when I was 2. The severity of the suicide attempt caused a stroke which left her partially paralyzed for the rest of her life, and also caused some mental damage.
In other words, my mother was never the same. And we never had a traditional mother-daughter relationship. But, from my own experience with mental illness, I have come to realize that it wasn't her fault or mine. It is what it is. But it has taught me that I want to fight even harder for my kids, and I do not want to be defined or ruled by the disorders with which I have been diagnosed. And neither will I be ruled by someone else's.
My children will know, no matter if I ever get custody of them back or not, that I love them and I will never give up on them.
Or myself.
Thanks again to you all for your kind words. It means so much to me that you are here.
Blessings and peace,
Redeemed
