Fearful my daughter will end her life. Grieving the life I dreamed for her.

[Ruffian]

19 yo daughter diagnosed nine months ago.  Struggling.  Wondering how to encourage her to seek treatment and change.  Fearful she'll end her life.  Grieving the life I dreamed for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ruffian,



Welcome to the community. I'm glad you reached out, as you've found a supportive community.

I can understand the range of emotions you are feeling right now. You are not alone. 

What is going on right now? Has your daughter attempted suicide before?

When you can, fill us in on your struggles. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Ruffian]

My daughter has attempted suicide twice.  She has SI nearly every day.  Last week, she drove to the top of a building with on-roof parking and looked over the edge.

She has been exposed to DBT therapy for around nine months, but hasn't really done the work.  Recently, this has changed a little bit and she is beginning to fill out her diary cards and take things more seriously.

She has had three inpatient stays in last seven months.  After one suicide attempt, she went to medical hospital (ICU), then to psych hospital for stabilization, and then we admitted her to a rehab type facility for mental health.  The time away (around ten weeks) was not beneficial.  In fact, she seemed to pick up more bad habits and unhealthy thoughts because of the people she was living around.  (With her poor sense of identity, she's a real chameleon).

Men are her big problem.  Risky, promiscuous behavior her number one repeated acting out problem.  Criminals, drug addicts, even a murderer have been among the men she's been in relationship with.

She has cut and burned herself.

Also diagnosed with MDD and anxiety, some PTSD (due to the things her mind has led her to/made her vulnerable to).

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Welcome to the board, Ruffian. I'm so sorry circumstances have brought you here but glad you found us.

Does your daughter live with you or on her own?

[Ruffian]

Yes, my daughter lives with me.

I work from home.

She is working also, which is good.

Her hours are not regular.  Life is easier for me on days when she works.

When she's off, it is frustrating to me to see her laying around and engaging in self-defeating behaviors and/or not pursuing healthful activities (which she's promised us she would do many times and in many ways).

At this point, she really has no friends that she sees on a regular basis.

Her one friend that she communicates regularly with lives across the country.  This is an individual she met in rehab, who struggles with her own issues.  In some ways, I believe she is validating to my daughter and a positive influence; in other respects, I fear my daughter just adds her friend's struggles to her list of problems.

See, that is typical.  Put my daughter with a lesbian, and she'll question her sexuality.  Have her spend time with an alcoholic, and she'll say she identifies with alcoholic behavior (she's only had a very few experiences with alcohol).  And so on and so forth.  Without having a stong sense of self, she tends to emulate others' behavior.  I think this is particularly true when she meets people who are somehow marginalized, yet seem to not care.  They have a power that my daughter would like to have, so she mimics their behavior to try to gain that power and/or put forth that facade.

[wendydarling]

Hi Ruffian

Welcome to you   

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time, no wonder you are fearful not knowing one day to the next is overwhelming, I've been where you are, it's torturous and exhausting.  Is your daughter making the weekly session with the DBT therapist? They start with SI and guess they'll be continuing through with this, is that the talk therapy she has, just wondering what support she's in place, is there is a crisis team for her to reach out to? The work the therapist did with my 29DD resulted in her acknowledging she did not want to take her life, she wanted the pain to stop and by applying DBT learning, skills she could control the pain, sounds easy - it's hard, hard work, there is a lot to turn round, it can be done. It's encouraging your daughter has been applying herself recently to diary cards, engaging, I hope she can build on that. Ruffian I got through by being here on the forum with others, using the resources, tools and lessons  and posting, joining threads, it kept me sane, that's what's worked for me, I'm glad you've joined us.

What kind of support system do you have? Do you have a family member or friend you can talk to?

WDx 

[Ruffian]

Yes, she has DBT therapist she sees weekly.  As I've said, she's just now starting to do the work.  It is tough work, I understand.  Problem is she's had a "default setting" since about age 9 or 10 of SI.  Whenever she is stressed, it's still first place her mind runs to.

I have some support, yes.  But it's hard to burden people with this Magnitude 10 problem.  I feel like the people I do confide in must hate seeing my number come up on Caller ID.  Also, the shame I have over her behavior and choices prevents and general stigma of mental illness keeps me from being overly open.

Trying to find my place in all this.  Feel like I have great input that could really help her.  But perhaps that's just an illusion.  Maybe I'm supposed to be the mom and not the therapist.

Can't stand watching her "slip away."

[Huat]

Hello Ruffian

Wow!  You need a ((HUG) !

You write... ."But it is hard to burden people with this Magnitude 10 problem... ."  Yes, that is one of the main reasons most of us are here and I am SO glad you have found this support group, too.   Already you are getting feedback from people who have nodded their heads as they read your posts.

Thankfully I have never been one to have my tea leaves read or have someone look into their crystal ball to tell me what was ahead.  What a blow that would have been!   It has taken me so long to realize that it really is easier on me when I just wake to the day. revel in whatever joys, however trivial, it brings then feel refreshed to handle the other "stuff"... .as best I can (which, by the way, is a work-in-progress). 

So, get as much refreshment as you can during those times that your daughter is at work.  Meanwhile, hope you keep sharing with us.   Lots of us here to give you the hugs and support you may need to carry on.  Be confident in knowing that you have always done the best you could do with/for your daughter... .and you will continue to do so.  You are a good Mom who has a challenging child.
 
Huat

[Faith Spring]

Hi, my daughter is17 and also has BPD. I don't have answers and Am new here too.  Just wanted to reach out to say you're not alone. 
I am reeling with the grief and shock.  I didn't see this coming.  I thought she had a happy childhood.  She appeared so happy.  Now it's as if she's gone and this new person has wiped her out.  I sound crazy.   But she was happy.   Feel like I'm in a fun house. 
So the fear of life ending... .I am afraid that ship may have sailed.  If you're feeling what I am, there's a life in her that does appear to have ended.  I don't understand why this happened. 
My sister has schizophrenia and so did my nana and aunt.  So it's probably genetics.  That doesn't make it less painful.  I wish I could get her back and I wish you could get yours back too. 

[Huat]

Nice to see you back, Faith Spring! 

You, too, need a big ((HUG)  !

Hope you keep posting.

Huat

[Daisy123]

Hi Ruffian,
I can completely relate to your heavy burden of fear. My DD19
Has had SI since 14 and has had multiple attempts. The fear and despair can overwhelm us. Someone on this board shared with me a phrase that went something like this, “She’s home and she’s safe in this moment” It’s become my mantra when things get hot around here.

I also can relate to overburdening others. We’ve had so many crisises that I just keep them to myself and unload with my psychologist and here. I did just begin Family Connections, a support group for family members with BPD. I am in hopes of enlarging my network of support.

There is so much grieving I do because my DD has such a full life before she became symptomatic. She danced, sang in choirs, performed in plays. She was a great student until age 14 and it was like we had gotten a whole different person. I’m still grieving this loss.

I hope you take care of yourself and find moments of peace. I hope you can find some comfort, here, on this site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders