Is there no way to escape being painted black?

[Chosen]

uBPDh loves me (in his own way, which, I'm sure you understand, is not 100% the same as "love" for nons), is very dedicated to our family, but it always seem like he doesn't like me, and I'm constantly being painted black.

For example, his dad is also a figure on the "black" side (with good reason which I won't go into), but say whenever I do something he doesn't like, he will automatically put me on the same side with his dad, and say stuff like "why do people like him and you always do stuff to ruin my life?"

Or you'd find him on a moody day (likely due to no fault of my own) when everything I do will be painted black.  Like I'd answer something he asked and the answer wouldn't be what I want and I'd be a b****h.  And he'd always say "ask" why he was stuck with me when there are so many nice people he could've been with, it's because I had lied to him (that's his way of thinking he thought I was a nicer/ better/ gentler/ more helpful person that he thought I was, not that I ever said I am any of those things.  I have to say that I'm not more useless than the average person though... .I'm a pretty normal person). 

When his friends complain about their wives, he would tell me "I only sing praises about you in front of others" (i.e. "I'm a good person who wouldn't damage my wife's reputation, unlike those other men", but the truth is, I don't need him to put on a facade of having a nice wife if he doesn't feel it at all- if he feels like by doing so he is lying to his friends.  If I had to choose between him singing praises in front of others or showing me he loves me by his words when it's just the two of us, I'd choose the latter any day.  But I don't get to choose.

My question is, is there no way to get out of it now, now that he's already put me in the "loser/ bad person/ black" category?  I don't want him to paint me white (I don't believe it when he praises me with over-the-top words ("I don't deserve you, why did you choose me", which is, by the way, not very often at all.  I am just a little sick of always being the bad person in his life, and being likened to the worst person in his life (his dad) every time I do something even a bit wrong.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

You are very hurt and tired of your husband telling you that you are a terrible person, and just wish he would appreciate you for who you are. It feels like walking on eggshells as you never know when he is going to suddenly degrade you. You wonder if he can change this behavior. You are the person who knows him better than most people. Have you tried to discuss with him how this makes you feel, and if so, how has he responded? You want to know if he can change. He can only change if he decides that he wants to, and is willing to do what it takes to change. Let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

[juju2]

Welcome!

I agree w Z, and for me I have to do excellent, consistent self care.

It was as though I was trying to get bread from the hardware store.  And I would keep going back to the hardware store, and keep trying to get bread.
I didn't learn.

The healthier I am, the less the unhealthy affects me, the less I react, the less I say and think things that are harmful to our r/s...

Because I am not a victim.

There must be something I enjoy about him, about him being in my life?

It's counter intuitive.  And I need a trusted friend to call to unburden,who wont give advice, who will listen.  Just listen. I need to get that poison out of my head and brain.  I have to check my attitude.

It's a muscle you can develop.  Also, I don't make any decision,conclusion, action, when my attitude is bad.  I pause, wait for the true me, my voice, and then think it through.  Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Is it true?  Does it resonate w me and my values?

It's a tall order.  I am a beginner.  am just learning

You are in a safe place, this community has power, strength, kindness, wisdom.

Keep reading, keep posting.

blessings,  juju