Next steps? Enabling DD and still refusing PHP

[Daisy123]

Hi,
It’s been an ‘inside your head’ morning with me ruminating about DD19- soon to be 20... .not doing PHP. DD has no daily schedule, sleeps for long portions of the day, runs out in an Uber to get high with friends.

I just do not know what to do. I’m in the middle of trying to decide that she take charge of taking her meds instead of me begging her to take them everyday.

She usually ends up with police and ambulance and hospitalization if we don’t bring her the meds.

I am embarrassed to say that my husband or I will deliver her meds to her whilst she lay in bed so atleast she gets them before we leave for work. I am sick and tired of having to do this along with watching her sleep all day.

 I can’t do anything about her lack of schedule, but I can refuse to deliver her meds to her. Her therapist said that meds is a red line that we can’t cross because she has attempted suicide when off her meds.
So we’ve been babying her by bringing the meds to her for years. She’s nearly 20, less than one month away and I feel like I am keeping her from being hospitalized by doing this for her. Am I keeping her from learning?

She woke very early this morning- the first thought I had was she’s on coke or LSD. I began searching for halfway homes out of my fear and despair. Do I move on and move her out?

She’s a very nice person, sweet and somewhat helpfularound the house. She’s a terror when off her meds... .and I can’t help but think that I am enabling her to not take responsibility for herself. I am trying to remember that there is nothing I can do to make her better. The only thing I have control over is my behavior and thoughts. My thoughts are dark and I’m fighting hopelessness.
Ugh.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Daisy123

I really feel for you, that you are taking your daughters meds to her while she is lying in bed. It must be heartbreaking for you and so frustrating too. I remember my uBPD son lying in bed and the frustration that both myself and my husband felt, it was nothing compared to what you are going through.

I can’t answer your question about keeping her from learning by taking her meds to her, I wish I could. I do know though that in your shoes I would probably be doing the same thing. Her meds are an essential part of her life, she needs them.
Learning can be such a slow process for some, hopefully she will get there in the end step by step.

I understand that feeling of hopelessness and those dark thoughts that just won’t leave us alone. There is hope, we are here to support you and help you through. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you 

[Mutt]

 Hi Daisy123,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can understand how frustrating and hopeless it would feel if I were on your shoes. I liked what Feeling Better said about how learning is a slow process sometimes. Her birthday is close and it probably brings up difficult feelings. I would suggest that she gets her meds so that she functions better than being off of her meds.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Daisy,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. It's so exhausting trying to hold it together for someone else.

This would work better for some kids than others but is there something you can sort of "bribe" your daughter with? I would think of it like toilet training a toddler. If she takes her meds on her own for one day, she gets X. A week, she gets Y. That can backfire with some kids because then they refuse to do the task without some external reward, you'd know best if it would work with her. 

I know how scared you are of her being off her meds. She's lucky they help her, a lot of BPD folks aren't really helped much by them.

I think something to ask yourself is how long you can do this. More than likely at some point she will decide she's sick of living like this and start to change things. It might take a very long time. My therapist reminds me weekly that progress is"glacially slow." It helps me to hear that. You'll have to decide with your husband what the right move is for you both. She might learn faster and have more incentives to change if life were less pleasant. But there are also risks that come with that.

You might consider asking your daughter what she thinks the solution is. Ask her what she thinks she needs to feel motivated to not sleep all day, and why she won't take her meds on her own. Did she sleep all day before she was on meds? If you can ask it as an open ended question without judgement you might have a fruitful conversation.

Just some thoughts. I hope some of that was helpful. My thoughts are with you.

[Daisy123]

Hi Feeling Better, Mutt and Hyacinth,
I am grateful to all of you for your wisdom and support. Reframing that hopelessness seems like a neverending battle when having a child with BPD. After reading your posts, I just breathed for a bit- absorbing the moment allowing me the space to move beyond.
Feeling Better- yes, such an important insight, learning can be extremely slow. Having our DD learn that meds help has been a long process. Your statement brought up a previous conversation with DD. She was adamant about going off meds. We said that we’d support her, but that she’d have to do this with her psychiatrist. DD said she’d finally admitted to herself that she’d had mixed feelings about meds and that she would remain on them. Ok- I am going to chuck this up to learning and progress.

Mutt,
Thank you for the advise. The consequences are so risky. I would put both of ourselves in danger. The last time she’d had no meds, she nearly jumped off
Our roof. Thankfully- I was able to pull her away. Yep- things could have gone very badly for all of us.

Hyacinth,
I really appreciate your statement: “Progress is glacially slow”. I took your advice and asked her what should we do? DD surprised me by reflecting on her life staying-she’s still missing a tremendous number of life skills, Anxiety plagues nearly every move and she just can’t get over that hump... .she said she has lots of. Intentions, like getting out of bed, but just can’t seem to overcome them. She really surprised me and said that maybe she’d better go back into residential so she could deal with this ongoing anxiety and deep depression. I just hope Insurance would cover this. Hyacinth- something so simple as to just asking a question, open ended - thank you for that suggestion.

Well we will see just how serious she is about getting back in. She’s fallen off the wagon- maybe grounds for going back to residential.

As for meds, baby steps. I will have DD prepare her own meds weekly- she just did this on Monday... .asked for my help and I said I was confident she could do this, so she did.
On days when I’m not at work, I will bug her till she comes downstairs to take her meds. Workdays- I’ll bring them to her. It bothers her father- so I will take over morning meds. Hyacinth, I can kinda bribe her with money for cigarettes. I’m thinking this through because it’s a trade off supporting another bad habit for meds. Not sure about this, but this is what might do the trick.

Again, I am grateful for this space, your time and thoughtful comments.

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

Hyacinth,
I really appreciate your statement: “Progress is glacially slow”. I took your advice and asked her what should we do? DD surprised me by reflecting on her life staying-she’s still missing a tremendous number of life skills, Anxiety plagues nearly every move and she just can’t get over that hump... .she said she has lots of. Intentions, like getting out of bed, but just can’t seem to overcome them. She really surprised me and said that maybe she’d better go back into residential so she could deal with this ongoing anxiety and deep depression. I just hope Insurance would cover this. Hyacinth- something so simple as to just asking a question, open ended - thank you for that suggestion.

Wow, D123 and HB, I had a similar response 2+ years ago when my DD was vey unwell, 'what shall we do' -- open ended questions provide space and support to speak out, we are listening and can validate, finding their way. I use to this day, I forget I do, it's second nature I guess, normalised.

D for me it's all been about opening, engaging communication, building trust when DD was closed down in crisis. Today she's right out there, um biggest talker and problem solving, she working through. With gentle steps, they can walk forward.

Lollypop's analogy she was tending dandelions, till she realised she was nurturing Orchids.

D you are doing great, stepping out. How are you self caring through this difficult time, what did you do, feel relief today?

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Daisy, I'm so glad that she responded well and was able to talk with you. You are doing such a great job.