Help. Newly Married. Came home 2/6/18 and my husband was gone.

[ThePinkDog]

He was gone.  He wouldn't tell me for days where he was.  He took all the cash we had in the house, packed all his stuff and flew to his parent's house in California.  I started doing a bunch of research online and thought he may have BPD. I bought books.  Started reading.  His previous wife (he was married for 16 yrs previously) and they have an 18 yr old daughter who lives with her mom and a 3 yr old son who lives with his mom whom we got custody of every other weekend.

He basically is living a new life.  I'm sure he is dating to and talking to other women.  But he constantly communicates with me and tells me he loves me even is planning projects when he "gets home".  He has not worked since last October and we got married 12/1/17.  He currently isn't working but was able to get a medical card in California.  He knows he needs to get diagnosed to get at least on disability or something but he said the program makes him go to all of these doctors first before he can see the psychiatrist and get diagnosed and be on meds.  I personally think he has BPD, narcissism, and PTSD.  He was previously diagnosed with bi-polar disorder which his daughter had told me but I never took the time to look into any of it.  He was hospitalized last year after having a breakdown at work in Sep 2017 (he was in a different state than me because he literally left in the middle of the night to go take a new job I knew nothing about). 

We were on and off all last year and then he came to me this seemingly renewed person after being on some meds and after his therapy after his breakdown (they diagnosed him with PTSD).  He was like prince freaking charming.  He asked me to marry him and said all of the perfect things and I said yes.  We two weeks later went to the justice of the peace and wham. 

I do realize that I helped trigger him the morning left because I was upset that he did not want to go out of his way to say goodbye to me.  I love him very much and I work very long days and gone 13 hours a day while he sits at home doing lord knows what at least you an do is give me a kiss goodbye.  It upset me.  I walked out mad.  I think that triggered him and he left.

There are so many things I wish I knew two months ago.  So my goings so far have been interviewing therapists thinking he will come back after he gets a diagnosis and come back to me and let me support him through this healing process as his life partner.  He expresses suicidal thoughts in abstract ways and he knows I've lost someone to suicide so I'm not sure if he does it when he thinks he's losing me or needs more attention or if he really is.  I just want to help him in any way I can.  I know he must be in a ton of pain and hurting.  But he like goes out with people and does things.  I can't understand how it is you can compartmentalize all of the devestation you cause and walk around and watch tv and act like everything is okay.

I've also never been married so I take my vows very seriously and I miss his three year old incredibly.  We had a miscarriage last year and were trying to get pregnant so I'm beyond devestated.  He likes to tell me every now and again how abusive I was to him (and liked to tell my family when he was mad, etc.).  He went to his ex-wife's (now remarrried to a lovely man) work the morning he left and apparently left his car and told her to give it to his daughter.  I'm sure he told her I was abusive, etc. and he couldn't take it anymore. I've reached out to her to see the three year old and she will not respond.

I'm worried for his child because I know his Dad's leaving is creating emotional wounds that will need healing later.  I just can't imaging leaving my child.  Period.

Anyway the husband is constantly communicating with me but he disappears certain times of the day.  We're on Life360 on our iPhones so he is always checking on me but never takes his phone with him when he goes anywhere and has me blocked from Facebook (for almost a year now).  I finally found a therapist who would be good for both of us and I told him, I can't take the constant lies and I at minimum if he wants me to be here and for him, he needs to be totally transparent about what he is doing.  Last week he pulled some massive manipulation bs on me like crazy and then try to lie about what he did and then when he knew he was caught acted like nothing happened.  A couple of days later we were supposed to FaceTime but he made up some crazy excuse and said goodnight I love you.

That was MY breaking point.  I'm like you know what?  Please do not contact me again.  I cannot handle the constant lies, manipulation and secrecy.  It's not Godly.  It's not loving.  It's not fair.  I then blocked him for one night and then unblocked him the next day.  Over the night he sent a bunch of mean emails saying he never cared that's why he's there and I'm here (VA) and he is going to start seeing other people.  START? Funny.  Then he continued to contact me the entire weekend even calling me multiple times a day which he wasn't doing before.  He sent me an email saying he knows he lost me but to forgive him and he's so sorry.  Bla, bla.  I love you.  Your Husband.

Yesterday I went to church and the preacher said if anyone here has a loved one that needs help and is hurting, please come to the alter and pray for them, we'll all pray.  I never do anything like that because I am so private but I did.  And I knelt down and bowed my head and prayed for God to heal him.  Prayed for God to let me know what to do.  I cried and cried and cried.  This is a new church I've been going to and the Preacher saw me crying like the entire service so he pulled me aside afterwards and we talked. 

He said just keep praying God will heal him and give him answers to get better. 

I don't know what to do. My doctor literally put me on Klonopin because I was on the verge of panic attacks everyday.  I've been medicating myself with alcohol which is terrible I know.  I can barely eat.  From day to day I don't know what I'm going to get with him.

I just feel so lost and helpless. 

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[isilme]

ThePinkDog,

That is such is sudden, drastic thing, to off and move and take all the cash and belongings. 

I do realize that I helped trigger him the morning left because I was upset that he did not want to go out of his way to say goodbye to me

This is nothing that should contribute to running off as a newlywed.  He was already going (if I am reading this right) so it's not about you.  it hurts you, but it's really all about what is going on up in his head.  He has already been dysregulated enough for you to learn of BPD and find this site.  We are not responsible for their emotions, as much as they may claim we are and we may feel we are. 

There are a few things I'd like to see if you can do - talk to your T as much as you are allowed/able.  You need someone to help, let them know you are drinking away the pain so they can help there, too.  Talk to your minister as well, see if maybe there is a group for people in emotional duress you can join. 

Next - Have you spoken at all to an attorney about this?  I know you want to honor your vows.  Speaking to an attorney does not mean you want to divorce, but you should take some steps to protect your own assets.  This does not mean your H is a bad person, but he is uncertain in his choice of actions and you can't live waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Sadly, there is often little we can do directly to help our loved ones with BPD.  We want to get them into T, get them medicated, but BPD is resistant to both of those.  Drugs don't really exist that treat BPD - they can treat depression, anxiety and maybe the PTSD, but not BPD itself.  It's an emotional disorder.  To treat it usually takes an uncommon amount of self-honesty on the side of the person with it, and honesty to accept they need to work on them.  This often can come, but it takes a while and usually we need to be the stronger in the relationship about this.

We work to heal ourselves, keep ourselves strong, to establish boundaries between their emotions and ours, between us and hurtful actions they take.  We learn, if we stay with a person with BPD, that they will not always be able to be a rational supportive partner - they are starting out way behind the start line in terms of emotional stability. 

here are some lessons for those working to keep the relationship, for you to read and see if any can apply to your situation. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

You say he is still telling you he wants this marriage.  Work on determining what you want as well - what will you expect from him, in things to do and not do?  How long do you think you can be in limbo?

You did not cause this.  Please believe that.  Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing

[ThePinkDog]

Thank you isilme.  The emotions are overwhelming. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi The Pink Dog. Sorry you are going through this. Have you heard from him at all? If so, what does he say about leaving?

[isilme]

ThePinkDog,

When I get tot hat point, I find writing on here helps me.  Even if no one can immediately respond, the act of writing helps organize my thoughts, gives them a place to vent out, and it helped me stop crying and spiraling worse than I already was.

Please write, just how you're feeling, what's going on if you've had any contact, what you're doing to take care of you. 

A lot of people seem scared to "bother" the rest of us with their hurts and feelings - that's the whole point of this board.  If we can help you process them, it's good for all of us. 

[ThePinkDog]

Hi everyone.  Yes.  I hear from him daily.  Mostly text messages.  He plays a lot of mind games.  He is full of anger at me one second, the next day he will text me and tell me how amazing I am.  Regarding his response to leaving - his response is "I couldn't handle your abuse anymore".  I know it was a complete breakdown.  Funny thing is just the night before he left he fixed me an awesome dinner.  He had it ready when I got home from work with a beautiful card on the bar that said he was looking forward to growing old with me.  Then next morning.  Gone.

I've been interviewing therapists that could help him/us upon his return, if he decides to return.  So far he says he is still within the circle of our marriage and wants to finish all of his Dr. appointments before he comes home.  I think is ultimate goal is to get on disability but if he does that in California, and comes back to Virginia, he's going to have to go through the entire process again.  So I'm like just come home where you have your wife to support you and we can do this together. 

We tried talking on the phone last night - facetiming - and when I asked him if he could commit to talking to me everyday to try to rebuild some trust and to try to rebuild our bond he said that's not something I'm willing to commit to right now.  I don't know if I can do that.  I said well are you still committed to the marriage and not seeing or talking to anyone else?  And he felt like I was accusing him of seeing someone and assuming he's already done that and he hung up on me.  Sent me a text saying he's tired of my assumptions.  I said I'm just trying to figure out what you can commit to right now and my heart needs a plan for the future.  But he was all peeved and that was that.  Goodnight.  Nothing else.  I know he has been talking to and/or seeing other women.  It is not in his personality to be alone for two months. 

So as of now still in limbo.  He says his goal is to get healthy and come home.  I'm just not sure how many women there will be between now and then or how long I can take the rollercoaster.  Obviously I have stuff too.  We all do.  My therapist says now that you understand a little better why this happened, we're going to focus on you and help you be the best version of you that you can be. 

Lots of church and prayer.  Lots of tears.

[Panda39]

Regarding his response to leaving - his response is "I couldn't handle your abuse anymore".

You might hear yourself being blamed in the above statement but to me this sounds like projection... .he is projecting his feelings about himself on to you... .flip the pronouns and it becomes "You can't handle my abuse anymore".  To me that sounds more like a reason he might pull away, run away... .shame.  Shame is something central to BPD.

We tried talking on the phone last night - facetiming - and when I asked him if he could commit to talking to me everyday to try to rebuild some trust and to try to rebuild our bond he said that's not something I'm willing to commit to right now.  I don't know if I can do that.

For now I would just believe what he says above... .he is confused and unsure.  He is also going to do what he is going to do you can't control that.  I hear you are worried about the possibility of other women, but as far as you know this has not happened.  Try and focus on what you know and not what might happen in the future.

We really can't control anyone but ourselves, so let him focus on him and how about you focus on you.  What do you want to happen?  What can you do for yourself?  How can you care for yourself through this?  It sounds like you are getting support through your church, through therapy, from us  , and I assume your friends which is fantastic. 

You might want to do some reading on BPD that helped me to get a good baseline understanding of what is.

Two books on BPD in General that I like are... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr M. A.

Hang in there I know it's got to be so hard right now, being in this limbo place but I know you will get through this.  Keep pushing ahead and taking care of yourself.

Panda39