Is there a way to repair things that doesn't invalidate your integrity?

[Yikes44]

I learned quite awhile ago that the mistake of sharing something I am insecure or have regrets about in my life will get quietly filed away by my uBPDp and pulled out as a poisoned dagger at some later date. So for example, if I make the mistake of saying in a moment of vulnerability that I wish I had been able to do more for my deceased brother, it will inevitably reappear at some later point as "I feel so sorry for your poor brother, you really should have done so much more for him, but because you're a selfish person, now he's dead" ... .this in the context of some ludicrous, completely unconnected issue about needing to change a flight.

That actually happened.

So keeping that in mind,  I'm posting on this particular group because I really actually thought  that over the past 12 months we had turned a big corner. While there may have been some occasional oddities, weird bouts of fury over minor issues, but I felt like we were really both trying, using some tools and it was maybe going to be okay.

Then this past weekend, things blew up to unprecedented levels. I made an incautious suggestion that maybe he needs to solve that particularly problem instead of just complaining about it all the time. And oh my gosh, the lid came off the volcano.

Ive written this post a few times and it always makes me feel tired at some point so I just delete it and go watch a movie. But I want to get through this.

In short ... .t's a week later, and you know what? he just doesn't understand - "is there a problem? Whats the problem? Why aren't you talking to me." The thing is I have it all in texts ... .  there is no misunderstanding. Brutal and cruel, incredibly false accusations that make you question reality, just awful. In an actual  conversation, you can delude yourself into thinking you misheard or misunderstood, but its hard to dismiss it when its in writing staring up at you. I know he's trying to find a way to be forgiven without really taking any responsibility for any of it. Im having a very hard time finding a way in my mind to let that happen.





 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Yikes44,

I'm sorry to hear that you were subjected to a barrage or hurtful texts and other behavior.  It is certainly a lot to bear, especially after an extended period of calm.

Your struggle with forgiveness is totally understandable, especially when things that we normally think of as coming before forgiveness -- namely an apology -- are often lacking from our pwBPD.  In fact, he likely sees events in a very different light.

Based on your history with this relationship, what is the most likely way out of the current situation?  Any thoughts on how to make the recovery "better" from your perspective?

Looking back on the blowup, once the trigger was pulled, what happened?  Did you feed the flames or were you able to avoid making things worse?  What was the worst part of the experience for you?

WW

[ArleighBurke]

"is there a problem? Whats the problem? Why aren't you talking to me."

I really think BPDs live "in the moment". And right now, there is no problem! The problem was last week - when he was in a totally different mood.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Yikes,

Sorry you had a rough weekend. I know it's hard and scary to tell someone with BPD that they hurt your feelings, but it can help you work through the bitterness and anger.

Maybe you could start the conversation something like: "I know our fight last weekend was a few days ago and we are trying to move on from it. I want to forgive. I'm having a hard time though. When you said ______ it really hurt my feelings."

He may get upset; he may apologize. Either way though you have honored yourself.