After 3+ months of therapy and peace, he snapped because of a nightmare.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, everyone.

I had really hoped (maybe foolishly optimistically) to be past this point, and never to return to it again. About three and a half months ago, after a very bad dissociation/dysregulation episode that was the worst I'd ever seen from my dBPDbf, we agreed to together to enter therapy, as we both wanted this relationship to work out, and he was aware of his BPD and tired of it ruining his life.

We found a fantastic T and things were going much better. I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to believe that things were turning around for the long haul. He was emotionally regulating much better, and not even being really difficult to live with.

Then, last Friday, he had a nightmare that I was having an affair with my ex, and it was rather explicit, apparently. He described the dream to me in lurid detail, and I tried to validate and reassure him the best I could, although this was a bit odd and unexpected to me. I let him know that his bad dream wasn't going to happen, and that I was sorry he'd had such a disturbing dream, and that I could understand why it bothered him. (If there was a better thing to say, I am not sure what it could be.) Since this could easily turn into a 40 page novel about the horrible events that unfolded after that, I will condense it to simply say that he went full-blown nuts over the days that followed, and after insulting me in the most cruel and sadistic ways for days after, (I did nothing in return but just leave the room, or say "I see that you're frustrated right now. I'll give you space" he finally sped off in the car extremely drunk. I managed to get him on the phone and convince him to return home with the car before he hurt himself or someone else. He did, thankfully, but now it has been 5 days and I am walking on eggshells, trying to avoid him at home, and he is still dysregulated as all get out and vacillating between fatalistically stating that he's a terrible person, and I should leave him, to blaming me for it all, including the dream. At this point, I don't even know what his underlying complaint is, and all the SET, validate, and lack of JADE isn't helping at all, since I think he's totally dissociated right now, and can't even be reached on this plane of existence. I'm at a loss and feel like I'm coming completely unglued. I have no idea what to do. I am on holiday break right now until April 3, and feeling terribly bad that we can't even enjoy each other's company right now. I feel as if I should just go check myself into a psych ward, but someone has to look after him. I don't feel like I have enough sanity left for the two of us now, though.

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[isilme]

Wow, that is a long time for the episode to keep going.  Has either of you spoken to your T since the nightmare?  Was he put on any medications that might actually be making this worse instead of better (or did he stop taking something that may have kept his moods more even?)

The tools are often very helpful at avoiding extreme conflict or diffusing it early, but in cases of very high emotion, making yourself scarce is sometimes all you can do.  This is a long time to have to ride it out tho.  My H has a pattern I have recognized, now, and usually, his most extreme moods only last 1-2 days... .he can be prickly for a few days out, and then lose it, rage, silent treatment, and maybe by noon or 5 the next day (assuming it's a work day) he will be sliding back to neutral. 

Do you see a pattern at all?

It's great you were able to reach a point of calm.  It's also a sad fact that BPD is always going to be there and can crop up to surprise all of us at different times. 

Can you think of any factors other than the dream that is making this harder for him to reach that emotional "reset" button and get back to a more even place?

How long does he usually take to get past a bad episode?  I am guessing 5 days is pretty unusual.

Have you found anything that usually works to bring him around?  Any timeline for things to hit some balance? 

What do you usually do to protect you during this time?  Are you able to get out and do anything enjoyable for you, or are you currently too worried he might self-harm?

How DO you both interact right now?  Do you avoid talking at all?  Does he seek you ot to pick arguments?  Do you seek him out to ask how he's doing?

It's not foolish to be optimistic.  It keeps us all going.  We want to hope for the best even as we prepare for the worst.  It's not your fault he had a bad dream.  H used to blame me for his dreams, which also dealt with me cheating or being horrible to him, like wrecking his car on purpose and laughing in his face about it.  At first, it hurt that part of him could even think I might act like "dream-isilme" does... .then I realized it's just a part of HIM acting that way, using my face. 

I think inside pwBPD there is a boiling soup of emotions that somehow they never learned to manage even partially.  Their coping skills are very poor, and are destructive.  In order to feel they worked through things, they seem to have a need to push those feelings off on someone else, often the person closest to them.  They may need to yell at that person, blame that person, and then alter might be compelled to seek absolution and forgiveness from that person. 

Trying to see what might be going on indie the pwBPD can help us take a little less hurt from their barbs - many times it's not as personal as they try to make it.  It's about them hurting, and if we approach to a bear in a trap, we are likely to get bitten.  It's okay to avoid him at home, it's also okay to try to have non-emotional conversations.  ":)o you want chicken for dinner?"  "Want to watch a movie tonight?"  If he starts in on you, avoid him some more.  Talk to your T as soon as you can. 

[SunandMoon]

Yes, it's horrible when this happens. My husband has reacted like this after a dream. Even when he knows it was a dream and not real, the feelings the dream evoked are real and he reacts to the feelings.

It could be made worse because you have had more than 3 months of stability. In his head, everything was going right and now this has happened! Even though 'this' isn't real. Very frustrating.

You sound like you've handled it well BasementDweller. There's really not much you can say or do when they're dysregulating. Validate when you can; remove yourself if it gets nasty.

In the past, my husband has deregulated (and disassociated) for around a week and then given me the silent treatment for up to 3 weeks. So terrible to have to live through and such a waste of precious time we'll never get back.

I've tried everything during those times. Even on occasion taken myself off for a break away from him. That actually seems to help, as he seems to need to be alone to work through it.

I agree with what isilme has said. Hopefully you can both get it to see your therapist soon... .he might be able to 'hear' a third party when he can't listen to you.

Meanwhile, your holiday break is being ruined. Is going away for a few days an option? Or even going out for the day - take yourself shopping, have your hair done, treat yourself to a nice lunch with a friend?

Any chance you can get him to go somewhere nice with you for the day? Sometimes by distraction - getting out of the house, engaging in an activity, being around other people so he has to behave - can bring my husband back to baseline.

Don't be disillusioned. 3 months is a huge step forward!  We're currently at 6+ months and it is so great to see progress! I know it's hard and upsetting when there's a setback but it doesn't mean you're back to square one.

[CryWolf]

Hey BasementDweller,

I can share a story regarding dreams and how it affected my pwBPD.
One time I was extremely sick and was taking cough/fever medicine and I know it makes you drowsy and can alter sleep. I woke up in the morning, and she was yelling at me saying whose "__?" a random girls name. and i asked, what are you talking about? and she said i was saying another girls name in my dream. and I only know one or two girls with that name but we are not close or even know why i would say that name. I listened and reassured her. I told her i had a dream about her, which i did. And i dont know why i said another girls name. But she brought this up for 6-8 months.

Another time, she had a dream about me walking with girls and flirting on campus. she woke up and was sad and telling me how it felt so real and she didnt want to lose me and then she got mad at me for her dream  and said "i would do something like that". but i reassured her.

Im sorry you are walking on eggshells around your partner. I agree with what SunandMoon said about not being discouraged with a mishap in your progress. There will always be delays, stops, derailments on a journey forward.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, everybody - and thank you so much for your replies. I had to take a break from the boards and address some things both with my partner's issues, and work. I want to update everyone who responded, and also try to answer some of the questions, as well as let you know where we are at now and ask for some advice/input.

CryWolf - thank you for your response and sharing your similar situation. I am all too well aware of how intense the feelings in a bad dream can be. I have also had bad dreams about him doing cruel things to me, but when I wake up, I am relieved it was only a dream, and I want to reach for him. It never occurs to me to blame him for the contents of the dream. But with BPD, I can understand why this happens.

SunandMoon - thank you for that kind reply, and it seems you too have been subjected to the same type of thing. We were not able to see our therapist until yesterday, and it did NOT go well. :-( I will explain further on in the post. I did manage to find some things to do to distract me from the pain I was feeling, but asking him to join me in anything when he is dysregulated doesn't work. He gives me the cold shoulder and will not do anything with me until he has snapped out of it.

isilme  - Hello, and thank you for that great insight. I do see a pattern, and it tends to revolve around family or social events, sometimes holidays, and any time where we are in a crowd of people, and it seems I am getting on well with others, or appreciated by them. There is also a very big chance of a very bad dysregulation, followed by fatalistic break-up threats, and declarations that he doesn't love me anymore, and wants this to end - IF I tell him, no matter how kindly, that something he has said or done has hurt me, or upset me. Then the switch flips, and he wants out - rather than try to address the problem together - he wants to flee, and will say horrible things to get me to "agree" with this, and leave. It doesn't happen every time, but frequently. Which leaves me at a loss as to how I am supposed to express when something is hurtful to me.

Can you think of any factors other than the dream that is making this harder for him to reach that emotional "reset" button and get back to a more even place?

I can think of a few things. A couple of days prior to the meltdown, we had a birthday party for his oldest son. I arranged and prepared everything, and while I asked for his input, he wasn't interested in really being involved in the planning or preparation. I also had a cake custom made for him that was a boat - one of his great passions. I included my partner in everything, but I also did everything. I think in the end he felt upstaged. Not my intent, but he didn't help with much of  anything. (He did pick up the cake, though, to his credit.) His ex wife, and her husband (the man she left him for, and the kids' stepfather for ten years) came, and later my partner told me that he felt his kids were disappointed in him, because he didn't have as much money as they do. I validated him, but there's another factor. That, and the fact that dreaming of me leaving him for my ex must hurt because his ex-wife DID leave him for another man - and she was having the affair at the end of their marriage. So yeah. I fully understand how horribly painful and damaging that had to be for him.

"How long does he usually take to get past a bad episode?  I am guessing 5 days is pretty unusual."

Five days is a long time, but there have been periods of weeks. It depends on the severity of the bad feelings, and other events that might be co-factors. Last time he dysregulated for weeks was when my birthday came, and we had a trip planned. It was all too much for him, and he went into a really dark place. That is what prompted me to seek therapy for us.

"Have you found anything that usually works to bring him around?  Any timeline for things to hit some balance?"

The only thing that really helps is staying far away from him. Giving him space. Sometimes it takes days, and he usually returns to "talk" but to tell me in a really defeated way that he doesn't love me anymore, and this isn't going to work. Then I have to get through that stage. I have lost so much precious time with him, so many weekends, holidays, and special events that we can never get back, ruined by this monster called BPD. When this happens, I feel terrible. A type of profound sadness and helplessness that I cannot bear. I miss my partner, and I also hate that he feels so bad inside. It kills me. I listen to him breathing in his sleep, and look at his face when he's placid and sleeping, and is not angry or cold, and I love him so much. I look at the photo of him that we have on our wall from when he was four years old, a timid and apprehensive looking beautiful little boy that was the product of a violently abusive BPD mother, and a distant, alcoholic father who did nothing to defend his battered children, or intervene on behalf of his mentally ill wife, who was never fit to be a mother in the first place. I forgive him, my partner, but the pain his illness causes me is slowly killing me too.

"What do you usually do to protect you during this time?  Are you able to get out and do anything enjoyable for you, or are you currently too worried he might self-harm?"

Sometimes it is ok for me to get away from him, and leave him to "stew in his juices" as they say, but last time, he drove off in the car extremely drunk. That was a first, and it scared me. I was able to convince him to return home and park the car.

"
How DO you both interact right now?  Do you avoid talking at all?  Does he seek you out to pick arguments?  Do you seek him out to ask how he's doing?"

When he is dysregulated, he typically shuns me or gives me the silent treatment, but he can also be verbally abusive, and/or follow me around to prolong the argument. I do seek him out to see how he is doing when he's distant or silent, at least occasionally, and am usually given the cold shoulder, or a declaration that he no longer loves me, and to leave him alone. I have learned this is not true, and it's the BPD talking, but he believes it when he says it, and I fear every time, each time even more, that I will lose him for good, and I don't want that. Not until I have exhausted all the options. I have no desire to reinforce his beliefs that everyone leaves him, and nobody can be trusted. I will not do that until we have worked at therapy and conflict resolution a bit longer, and really tried to get to the bottom of all this. I want this to work.

That said, our therapy session yesterday was bad, and caused another meltdown. Usually, they do stir up some negativity in him, but they also help a lot, more often than not. Yesterday, our therapist wanted to know what the last bad meltdown was about (my partner brought it up) and I had to tell him that he had become upset with me after a bad dream, and had also later on insulted me and my mother, whom he has never met, and I found that very hurtful. Since we had spent the last ten days in blissful peace after he recovered from his last episode, I regret saying this, because the situation had been resolved. Hearing it again caused him to start raging at me in front of the T, and he was shocked at the severity of the rage he was displaying. He asked him to explain what was upsetting him, but he couldn't. Later on, I also asked my partner what had happened, and he had no answer other than to start the fatalistic tune of "I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave." I took a page from the BPD Family playbook and told him that because I do not wish to separate, and make a rash decision in the midst of a crisis, or while under duress, that if he genuinely feels that he wants me to leave him, and move to another residence, that it is up to him to do all the legwork in finding me a new flat, preferably in the old neighborhood where I gave up my old apartment to live with him, and closer to my job. He is to secure the residence, submit all the paperwork, assure the rental is a long term one, and to also pack my belongings and move them, and me into the new house, including all my decorative items that his youngest son adores and has put in his room. I also told him that he would be responsible for telling the kids he was demanding that I leave, and I would be present when he told them. I told him I would inform them that this is not what I want. I also stated that if the offer for us to share a home, a future, and expenses was withdrawn, thus destroying my security as an immigrant and a newcomer (and breaking my heart, and our agreement to complete counseling), then I expect some sort of reasonable financial support while I get on my feet, because I have invested a tremendous amount of time, love, effort, and yes, money into him, this property, and his children. In other words, I invested heavily, financially and otherwise, in an arrangement which is now being taken back from me, not by my choice. In other words - he had to re-do everything I had to UNDO in order to come and live with him - something he wanted.

He quietly left the house and returned to tell me that he doesn't have connections to get a rental flat, (it's a tough market in a crowded city) and that I "have him by the balls" because he can't do all of that. I reminded him that as a struggling student on my own with only two suitcases in my hand and zero help, or knowledge of the local language, I secured two rental contracts in very nice areas, immediately, and that I didn't so much want to have him by the balls as much as I wanted him to take responsibility for facilitating what it is that he is demanding, because I don't want it, and I will not participate in it. He dropped it, more or less. I played hardball there, because I do not want this. If that's what he wants, it's up to him to make it happen.

Now he is in the "man cave" doing woodwork (what he typically does when he is upset with me) and avoiding me, other than to make a few passive aggressive remarks if he comes in the house. I'm not playing the game.

I did talk to my therapist, and he agreed that the behavior is baffling, and that he feels that sometimes my partner uses the sessions to "rage at me" and that he sees what is going on, but feels there is something subconscious to it. He suspects it's a way he can vent at me, possibly get the therapist to validate him (the T is extremely skilled at NOT doing anything to seem as if he is playing favorites) and that possibly my partner sees it as a "safe place" where I cannot rage back, or am not likely to storm out. I think this is a valid suspicion, and also, yesterday, when I did find my voice, and tell him that his remarks before Easter were hurtful, he felt ashamed in front of the T, and that triggered the dysregulation. I'm now trying to work through it. He has agreed to grill salmon with me today, as we were supposed to do yesterday, and is participating in lighting the grill, though with attitude. I am being as polite as possible, and not taking the bait if he throws any slings and arrows at me. I really just want to enjoy my dinner and have some semblance of peace so I can sleep. I get up very early for work, and I do not perform well if sleep deprived or stressed - as you all are familiar with.

Any guidance is welcome. I have learned a lot here on these boards, and have also learned much better how to handle him and his moods... .but every now and again, a HUGE curve ball hits.   Big hugs to all.