Silent treatment designed to punish

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I’ve seen a few threads here about the silent treatment, why it happens and how to deal with it. The usual explanation seems to be that it’s mainly just a coping mechanism for the pwBPD, and so maybe the person on the receiving end doesn’t need to take it too personally.

But what about when it really is meant as a punishment?

I’ve been getting ST from my friend for a few months now. I think this did start out as an avoidance/coping strategy after a difficult incident between us, but it has since hardened into deliberate punishment. I’m fairly sure of this, based on things she has said about me to other people and the way she has reacted to my attempts to reopen contact.

Without going into all the details, the triggering incident was confusing, hurtful to both, and neither of us was particularly at fault. We just needed an adult conversation to sort out what happened. I think that was too hard for her, she was too upset and couldn’t face me, hence the initial avoidance. Over time though, she shifted to dealing with it by blaming me, converting the hurt to anger and shutting me out. In other words, ST as punishment, which is where we are now.

It’s hard to know what I can do now other than wait it out. I do know I can’t be the one to make the next move.

It’s possible the cut off will turn out to be permanent, and I’ll have to learn to accept it if it comes to that. But I really don’t want to lose our friendship as it means a lot to me. Things were really special between us and it just seems wrong to let it die.

If she does reopen contact at some stage, I’m not sure whether I should confront her about ST being unacceptable or just let it go and try again.

Any ideas?

[Sirnut]

I’ve seen a few threads here about the silent treatment, why it happens and how to deal with it. The usual explanation seems to be that it’s mainly just a coping mechanism for the pwBPD, and so maybe the person on the receiving end doesn’t need to take it too personally.

But what about when it really is meant as a punishment?

I’ve been getting ST from my friend for a few months now. I think this did start out as an avoidance/coping strategy after a difficult incident between us, but it has since hardened into deliberate punishment. I’m fairly sure of this, based on things she has said about me to other people and the way she has reacted to my attempts to reopen contact.

Without going into all the details, the triggering incident was confusing, hurtful to both, and neither of us was particularly at fault. We just needed an adult conversation to sort out what happened. I think that was too hard for her, she was too upset and couldn’t face me, hence the initial avoidance. Over time though, she shifted to dealing with it by blaming me, converting the hurt to anger and shutting me out. In other words, ST as punishment, which is where we are now.

It’s hard to know what I can do now other than wait it out. I do know I can’t be the one to make the next move.

It’s possible the cut off will turn out to be permanent, and I’ll have to learn to accept it if it comes to that. But I really don’t want to lose our friendship as it means a lot to me. Things were really special between us and it just seems wrong to let it die.

If she does reopen contact at some stage, I’m not sure whether I should confront her about ST being unacceptable or just let it go and try again.

Any ideas?

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’ll raise you another situation. Mine went NC on me simply because she thought I was ignoring her and giving her the ST . When I tried to get an answer out of her she went into a full rage, making it likely permanent. She kind of made the decision for me.

I’d recommend not reaching out? At the same time apparently some want to be chased, so really depends on her, you’d know what her past behaviors are perhaps?

Most will agree you need to decide what you want. Prepare for either situation accordingly. I know there’s others here who could elaborate on boundaries and being in a relationship again.

Good luck.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sirnut,

I was in a similar situation with a good friend years ago, right after my breakup with pwBPD. She cut me off after I expressed irritation with something she did.

I tried to mend the situation right away and not let it go further, but she was too angry and wanted a "timeout" from me.

Like you, I prepared myself that I might lose the friendship, because I knew that I wouldn't make the move toward her anymore. After 4 months, I think, she started talking to me (we worked together) and kind of apologized. I know at the time of the cutoff, she had been very stressed about her partner, who had had health issues from a bad car accident. And I was still reeling from several losses in my personal life.

For that reason, I decided to give it another go, too. We never talked about it. Neither of us brought it up, which I think for us was the right move. That said, I don't think our friendship would survive another round of that.

If you can't make the next move, then I think waiting it out might be the best move. After enough time passes, though, I think it gets harder for the one doing the cutoff to approach the other person again.

If your friendship is a close and strong one, then maybe talking about how to deal with such situations going forward would be a good move. Do you think she'd be receptive? 

heartandwhole

[Cromwell]

not so much a coping mechanism or a punishment ive experienced the ST but as a tactic of control.

I hardly ever got the ST because my ex realised that the times she tried it, I started to feel better and got my thoughts together and started to think "why am i feeling so happy without her".

my ex was a complete coward when it came to directly confronting anything, it was always exhibited in passive-aggressive behaviour.

dont regard her ST as a punishment, I considered mines as a form of mental respite holiday. in hindsight, it would have been her greatest gift if it would have been permanent!

maybe im just getting too old for that sort of level of childish behaviour (actually i never even did that sort of stuff as a teenager), but my point of view behind the psychology of it is pretty much the "stare you out game", its a test of who will break first.

a point to her score board if you do, regardless of how things go from there, it is her way of validating that you were wrong and gave in by "feeling bad" about it. Note: this is how i believe her mind works, not saying that by talking to her it means you actually were the one at fault. 

[Sunfl0wer]

It’s hard to know what I can do now other than wait it out. I do know I can’t be the one to make the next move.

You may not want to make the next move and that may be the right choice for you.

My ex was the master at ST. Our couples counselor flat out confronted him and told him that he was being emotionally abusive and that ST was absolutely unacceptable and had to stop now.  He was told that he could take a time out but it had to be announced and a time had to be put on it so that in so many minutes or hours, he was to resume communications.  I was astonished as the darn counselor usually favored my ex.  I had no idea how unacceptable it is to allow someone to treat me that way.  (Ex would go over 10 days not speaking to me or my son as punishment for something)

Anyway... .on the other end to this... .my ex often did feel shame or was being avoidant.  So my role in the dynamic was to “make it easier for him to come back to me.”  I was to extend the olive branch when possible.  Sometimes I was told that him trying to reach back to me should be heard as an apology as sometimes people cannot speak the words that they are sorry so I was to accept it in his actions sometimes. 

So... .
Maybe this is all moot to you because you have decided enough is enough with this behavior and you are resolved to not make the first move... .

Just... .the lessons of dealing with this behavior did help me in other situations where I actually wanted to help someone reach out to me after we had a fall out... .as this other person was certainly very much life enhancing and someone I am grateful to have mended things with.

[Sirnut]

Thanks all for these responses and ideas. I’ll take up a few of them.

First of all, where am I up to now? I don’t think I have any realistic option to initiate further contact. Her last couple of responses were too emphatically negative for me to try again, so anything further has to start with her. I agree it will probably get harder for her the longer the cutoff, and I don’t think she has thought about that in any rational way. It seems to me we’ve both lost something we valued and we’re both hurting. But I don’t think there’s anything I can do now to make it easier - I’ve really done all I reasonably can.

If she does reopen contact, what do I want?

Well, I know what I don’t want - I’m not getting back on the roller coaster with her. So I can’t just pretend these months of ST didn’t happen and then carry on as before.

I think what I really want, ideally, is to find a shared understanding of what happened, and what kind of relationship we want to have from here on. Also, a shared respect for what was good in our time together these last few years. I know it meant a lot to both of us, and I don’t want to end our relationship in a way that seems to devalue what we had.

Our bond was strong, close, intense, more so than any friendship I’ve ever experienced in my life (and I’m not all that young, I might say). It seems a tragedy for it to end in misunderstanding and isolation. But of course we can only have that shared understanding if we both work for it, and I can only control my side of things.

I suppose that’s what makes this hard.

[Cromwell]

Lets just assume that this gets solved, somehow both of you get to a shared understanding of what happened and you move on from it. which is what you want to achieve.

if this is her way she responds to stuff like this, what about when the next new "trigger" happens. will you just accept that you want to keep going through this cycle?

[Navysndfirey]

Silent treatment is the worst, my udBPDexgf has been playing it with me for the last 2 weeks, everyone I spoke to her on the phone/messagenger or the gym she always had the excuse I’m busy. But was happy to message and talk to me about nothing important but when I replied back to ST, it wasn’t untill I confrunted her on Friday about and and said “ I’m not interested in playing your bull___ silent treatment game”  that’s when she lost her rocker. And basically told me to fer out of her life.
Wonder how long this one will last.

[JNChell]

not so much a coping mechanism or a punishment ive experienced the ST but as a tactic of control.

I relate to Cromwell on this one. This was a very effective weapon in her arsenal, and she used it relentlessly. It was maddening. She would take the kids and run off. She’d completely shut me out. Upon her return there was no resolution seeking aloud. My T knows about my suspicions as far as my ex’s condition is concerned, but hasn’t said the words borderline or narcissist. I can appreciate that fact because she has not met or treated my ex. She’s being responsible. She has, however, used the term emotional manipulator many times. In fact, she asked me to remind her at our next session that she wants to talk about emotionally manipulative people with me. My ex is a pro at manipulation. Sadly, it’s what she knows. It’s what she was taught by observing her mother. Her mother didn’t raise her and her sisters, so they just observed.
I remember the first time I met her older sister. The three of us were sitting there talking, and my ex made a comment about not screwing things up with me. It was a light hearted comment made in a jokingly way. Her sister mentioned not running away every time there was an argument or a disagreement. Can you say  ?

[Cromwell]

enjoy the silent treatment.

youve probably just over-fed her.

a few months later youll hear a loud obnoxious squawk and  realise youve got your pet parrot back.

[icky]

I got silent treatment that was so toxic, it was radioactive.

I also got something similar (a term I've never heard before): "crumbs and husks".

He told me, full of contempt, that "crumbs and husks" is what he throws those people who don't deserve any better (i.e. all those horrible ppl and me).

The crumbs and husks phase was relentless 6 months.

The radioactive silent treatment has been 18 months, sprinkled with radioactive crumbs and husks.

What stings most, but also cracks me up most is that when he throws me "crumbs and husks" (which is b*tchy, crappy, spiteful comments) he will preface it with "I mean this kindly".

*Why* he does the silent treatment, I don't know. As far as I can tell, it's part of his "victim" drama.

His father seems to have been BPD too (dead now).
His mother was cold and emotionally unavailable.
Both suffered from major depression.

He told me grew up with his dad doing the ST to the family too. They even had a family name for it.

[Cromwell]

He told me, full of contempt, that "crumbs and husks" is what he throws those people who don't deserve any better (i.e. all those horrible ppl and me).

The crumbs and husks phase was relentless 6 months.

The radioactive silent treatment has been 18 months, sprinkled with radioactive crumbs and husks.

What stings most, but also cracks me up most is that when he throws me "crumbs and husks" (which is b*tchy, crappy, spiteful comments) he will preface it with "I mean this kindly".

sounds interesting looking back I recognise this crumbs and husks tactic.

Whenever I called her out on the most nasty vile stuff she came out with it got her laughing in my face reply "I was just kidding!"

I still havent worked out how she never ended up in hospital and me in prison. probably because subconsciously I knew it wasnt a normal person insulting me to that extent.

she really qualified for a position as emperess of the trolls.

[Fie]

Hello Sirnut,


Is this the first time your friend is treating you like this ?

I am not sure if I understood eveyrthing : have you reached out to her, but she didn't react, is that right ?

[Sirnut]

Is this the first time your friend is treating you like this ?

I am not sure if I understood eveyrthing : have you reached out to her, but she didn't react, is that right ?

This is the first major one for me. There was one previous episode but it only lasted a couple of days - this time it’s been three months. I’ve seen her do this to other people before and I’m aware it has been a repeated pattern in her earlier relationships.

Yes I’ve reached out several times but no response, apart from one very harsh email saying she doesn’t want to talk.