BPD ex-wife validates BPD daughter

[Arrrgh]

Thanks to this website, I've come to a few insights.  Let me distill down one of the critical issues. 

My ex-wife is BPD.  I'm sure of it.  25 years ago she was diagnosed as bipolar II, but I'm sure the major diagnosis should be BPD.  As is frequently the case, other disorders are comorbid.  She has all the usual systems.  When we were together, she used to talk about how she would cut people off, even close lifelong friends, for small slights.  During our divorce, it dawned upon me that everything she was accusing me of was really a projection of what she was doing.  The splitting, black-and-white thinking, parental alienation--it's all there.  25 years ago, when we were together, therapists had told her that she had warped and distorted thoughts and one of the focuses of therapy was to deal with those warped and distorted thoughts so they would not impact her as much. 

I now realize that 22 y.o. daughter is BPD as well.  I can't say I'm totally surprised because she has always been a difficult child.  I was hoping it wouldn't be so, but can't say I'm totally surprised.  It's clear that she also has warped and distorted thought patterns.

So, the dynamic that is going on is that daughter is pulling all the usual BPD stuff and the mother is validating the daughter's warped and distorted thought patterns.  When daughter has a fit and says she has to quit our long-planned vacation on the first night, the mother sends her a plane ticket.  It's like, when she says, Daddy is a terrible father and I've got to get away from immediately, her mother says, yes he is a terrible father, haven't I been telling you that for years.  Let me get you of there. 

I've told both of them that I'm stepping aside.  My legal obligations are over.  This is a no-win situation for me.  Dealing with a BPD daughter is hard enough.  Dealing with one that is enabled by her BPD mother is impossible. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Arrrgh,

pulling all the usual BPD stuff and the mother is validating the daughter's warped and distorted thought patterns.  When daughter has a fit and says she has to quit our long-planned vacation on the first night, the mother sends her a plane ticket.  It's like, when she says, Daddy is a terrible father and I've got to get away from immediately, her mother says, yes he is a terrible father, haven't I been telling you that for years.  Let me get you of there.

 I can relate with your post it's something that I see as clear as day now after I learned about triangulation here ( bad ) maybe if you think about some other things that have transpired you'll see the same pattern. BPD is a persecution complex ( distorted thought patterns ) where the person truly believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not because of their choices. A triangle has 3 corners and a drama triangle has three roles persecutor, victim, rescuer a pwBPD will mostly cast themselves in either victim rescuer roles and you're cast in either rescuer or persecutor role.
 
 A pwBPD have a distorted self image about themselves and suffer from low self esteem, low self worth your D20 was victim and your uBPDexw was rescuer by rescuing your D20 and making you out as the bad guy it validates her that she's a good mother to herself and to others that believe her.

[Rosie1q]

Hi Arrrgh.
My heart goes out to you. Now  the fog has cleared and things make sense. I hope things work out for you. It’s hard when you love your adult child your are in a no win situation. My love and prayers are with you take care maybe one day she will see what a great dad she really has. 

[Merlot]

Hi Arrrgh

Wow!  I can so relate to your post, my DD27 has cut me off following a violent rage and she raced back to our home state to live with her father (and like you he has always exhibited signs of BPD/narcissim).  It is incredibly difficult as he would see this as a complete win for him and he would validate her anger towards me.

I've really stepped back too in order to allow things to take their natural course.  If history repeats, there will be a point where they will become volatile towards each other.  This is not a good thing (although maybe inadvertently it is, as it gets her to a place of having to consider - yet another failed relationship)

i hope that stepping aside allows you some time for reflection and to take care of yourself.  It sounds like you are very familiar with BPD?

Do you have support through a therapist, or close friends?

Merlot

[Arrrgh]

Merlot, I am familiar with BPD only to the extent of what I have read on this and other sites.  Like many others, it was a revelation and suddenly all of the pieces started to fall in place. 

The problem we are in is a particularly difficult one because crazy is validating crazy.  I personally have decided to step back.  I've decided there's nothing I can do about this and I'm going to stop trying.  It's been a struggle for 22 years.  My daughter is now an adult.  My legal obligations are over.  I know this is a fight that I cannot win. 

[Feeling Better]

Arrrgh,

I get where you are coming from and, this is just my opinion, I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back.

“Crazy is validating crazy”  - yes, I know a little about this and I love the way you put it. In my case it is my mother, and although I wouldn’t call her crazy, she is totally clueless, vindictive and spiteful. Sadly she is my son’s ‘go to person’ and I dread to think what she is validating, I and other family members have a good idea what’s going on and like you in your situation, we know that there is nothing that we can do about it. I realised that I was caught up in their triangle, my son playing the victim to her and she being the eternal rescuer. Like you I decided to step back, took myself outside of the triangle.

[Merlot]

Hi Arrrgh/Feeling Better

So many similarities  between our stories l

They do play the victim very well. My DD27 is very angry with me atm as Im not buying into it and changing the pattern.

Have you read Loving Someonewith Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning. Its a very powerful and uplifting book.
Take care

Merlot

[phoebenna]

I can totally relate to your story.  I've recently found this site and have been researching BPD after my Daughters latest episode.  I also believe my ex has BPD and he always sides with and comes to our daughters rescue when she feels like a victim at our house.  This has caused major problems recently because he called the cops on us because our daughter said she didn't feel safe in our house?  We were not allowing her to see a movie with her boyfriend because she was being disrespectful. Her dad always sides with her and even when she is caught red handed he finds an excuse to somehow be on her side? I started feeling like I was paranoid.  It reminded me of the days I was married to him and he would be drunk with rage and tell me if I left him no one would ever want me because I had children already? My daughter currently says my house is to stressful and wants to live with her dad. My H is afraid of her.  He thinks she will purposely find a way or lie to get him in trouble.  I have decided for my mental health and to save my marriage I need to step back. She is now staying with her father. This freaks me out but my mind is more clear.  I have to build myself back up from the way she was making me feel. I've also been able to focus and do more research and am so happy to find these forums.  I called 4 mental health clinics for help and I felt more crazy after I called then before. It feels really good to know that I'm not alone and other people can help us through this.  I also feel relief in knowing it's ok for me to step away for awhile. I'm not abandoning my daughter I will always me here and her mother but I don't need to stick around when she is treating me horrible.  Unfortunately because of her only being 15 I will have to put up with her possible BPD father for a few more years. Good luck!

[Arrrgh]

Yep, I've heard that "I don't feel safe" bull as well.  And as for the police, been there done that.