First my mother and now this.

[HappyChappy]

My first time posting in this part for the forum ,but also the first time I’ve dated a BPD. My mother is an aggressive Queen Which BPD , so I knew at an early age I wanted anything but someone like my mother. I did once date a NPD, but they present very diffidently, not so much drama. And she was quiet overt so knocked than on the head super quick.

This time with a BPD, I was drawn in and thought it may be something special, but after only 3 dates I connected the dots and realised. The really odd thing was she went from “Ooo we’re sole mates” to “you didn’t respond quickly enough so lets ,knock it on the head.” Bizzar. We’re so compatible, to well you just don’t get me do you. On the date she was fine, but the drama came from texting, she displayed massive abandonment fears every step of the way. Does this sound familiar ? Fixing each date she created drama, every time !

She demonstrated was what my BPD mother once chilling told me, which is “Get them with love, best hook going.” And its seams she knew how to create the impression of something special. Does this assessment make sense to you ? I have C-PTSD from my abusive upbringing, not that it shows outwardly. She created loads of drama, but also presented like a Greek Siren, very alluring. I'm right in saying if I go long enough, the Medusa head will appear ? Tempting, but talk some sense into me, not worth it considering I get triggered by BPD behaviour. I guess what I've realised is why people date a BPD, because from a child's perspective it doesn't make sense. My BPD never wasted charm on her kids, she just belted us, or humiliated us. Its really bizarre experiencing how charming they can be.

Am I describing a BPD ? Please talk me out of going any further with her, my BPDm almost killed me. Not sure I could escape another one. But my other question is, great as they are at faking lover, when is it actual love ? Is it ever ?

[Harri]

Hi HappyC!  I am following you.  haha 

I understand why you have concerns about her behavior.  I think you are right to feel that way.  Certainly her behavior is setting off alarm bells for you.  I would listen to them.  I can't say if she has BPD or not but I can say that it sounds like her behaviors do not mix well with your history or your c-PTSD.  Based on that alone I think you should cool things off with her, but then again I am not really supposed to be saying that either.    Your do not have that much time invested at this point.

How long has it been since you last saw her?  What if I were to say if you want the charm you have to take all the drama you described with it?  Is it worth it?  Personally I think you are worth more. 

As to your question about love and if it is ever real, I think it is always real.  pwBPD are, in general, far too dysregulated to be able to plot and plan to pull people in.  What they feel is real to them whether they are talking about love, or anger.  In the moment, it is all real.

Best of luck to you with dating HappyC.  I hope you find someone who is worthy of ya!

[HappyChappy]

Thanks Harri, good advice as always. We'd been pen pals for a couple of months, so I guess I was surprised at how easily she won me over by pretending to share all the same likes as me, etc... .

Then when we met, straight into the game playing. Also she revealed all the stuff that created red flags. I noticed the minute I said I wasn't interested in Drama, and didn't respond to her push and pull games, she instantly lost interest. Same reason my BPDm lost interest in her daughter. Whether she is BPD or not, she clearly likes to control, so yes you're right no good for me. Thanks again Harri for your good advice.

[Red5]

... .We'd been pen pals for a couple of months, so I guess I was surprised at how easily she won me over by pretending to share all the same likes as me, etc... .

Afternoon HappyChappy,

This is called "mirroring" by the pw/BPD... .this is one of the ways a non gets "hooked", you basically fall for yourself ?

I call this "shape shifting"  !

Enter the film score (sound track for) "invasion of the body snatchers" ! 

Red5

[Angie59]

Hello HappyChappy!

I saw your post and just had to say something ---  besides run!  Just kidding.

I understand totally your being hesitant with this relationship and if you feel she is setting off alarms in your head, or putting up red flags, I think you should listen to your gut.  It is right so much of the time!

Since I'm still fairly new here I wanted to validate your feels and show empathy, rather than give advice, but I just couldn't help it.  I felt so strongly about it when I read your post and agree with the others who have posted.

Good luck to you and I truly hope happiness comes your way.

Angie59

[Harri]

Glad I could help HappyC. 

Red5 called what she did mirroring and yes, it can be a powerful draw.  They take a part of you, make it their own and it gets added in with their charm and whatever other quality you admire about them, so of course you are drawn to it.  I like how Red5 said "you basically fall for yourself".  It is so true and can hurt terribly to realize what happened.  You had it figured out you just needed a bit of confirmation and that is okay.  You caught it quickly too so that is excellent.  Listen to your gut.

Best of luck to you HappyC.  Some lady is going to be very lucky to get ya!

[AskingWhy]

HappyChappy, sadly, there is something in psychology called a "repetition compulsion." 

It often comes from our FOO and what we grew up with. For instance, with a BPD mother, it's easy to find a BPD spouse.

Check the diagnostic criteria and see how many checks are in the box.  Keep in mind BPD is a spectral disorder.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Chappy, It makes sense to me that you would be attracted to a familiar dynamic from your FOO.  Despite the red flags,  , it feels normal to recreate something similar to what we have previously experienced, even if it was unhealthy.  As least that's how I look at what AskingWhy describes as a "repetition compulsion."

As to whether you should continue the r/s, only you know what is right for you.  I would agree w/Harri, though, that you deserve better.  Why pull on a tiger's tail?  You're likely to get eaten.

Otherwise, as Red5 suggests, cue the movie soundtrack!

LuckyJim

[HappyChappy]

Thank you all for your very helpful responses. Since posting I’ve realised a bunch of other symptoms leading me to believe she must be on the spectrum.  She made a big thing about having a fantastic sense of humour, yet she was the most humourless person I’d met in a long while.  Then I realise, I’d said comedy was my main hobby. 

I thought you got a honeymoon period before all this nonsense began ? I also dated someone with NPD only for a few months, we were in my local pub and she said “these people are all working class, I don’t mix with such people.” I said “You do know my parents are working class.” she said “Yes I know.” 

[DaddyBear77]

Hey HappyChappy - glad to see you on the Conflicted board, but also sorry you ended up here as well!

I have a thought-provoking question -

If it turned out that this person did NOT actually suffer in some way from BPD / NPD, would you still try and continue the relationship, and tolerate the responses and behaviors that are taking shape?

[HappyChappy]

Ooo good question Daddy Bear. Thanks for asking. She had a difficult childhood, as did I , so I would therefore probably give it more time.  But if the behaviour continued knock it on the head.  Most people can adapt and change, but it’s the fact a BPD rarely does that is the deal breaker. But as I believe she is BPD, then it seems unfair for me to lead her on, the distress of inevitable abandonment would be unfair. I also get triggered by BPD, so just not a good fit.