Do they remember all you have done for them, the good?

[Darkblaez]

Something that came to mind. I cannot even begin to enumerate how good I took care of my ex-wife. Provided very well for her, accommodated her, procured property to move her down the road from her parents and to get her 8 horses move to the property and build a house on a separate section. She knew that by moving from a state where I was well employed, heavily networked, and highly experienced in my field, that I would limit the number of employers and so forth. So the sacrifice I was making was moving away from family, no friends in this new area, and starting a new job. All the work put in to make life so easy for her and provide for needs and wants. She had it super easy as a wife. Since we lived about 40 minutes from what I would call society (we were in the countryside), I made sure I took her out on dates on the weekends and did entertaining things as often as possible. She chose not to work and wanted that lifestyle as she grew up in the country.

I would never cheat on my ex-wife, and if we had issues would seek to understand, listen, then resolve. Likewise, I understand all the effort and work that was put in to building a life together along with expenses, sacrifices, etc. My investment in resources, emotion, etc were considerable and all-in. The thought to jeopardize all that would never cross my mind for just a few fleeting moments of sexual pleasure. Do they even take any of that in to consideration?

My question is, do BPD individuals recall or remember any of the good? Do they take in to consideration all that you have done for them, rationalize it at all? Or once I am split black, game over and none of it ever existed to them?

Thanks for continuing to help me understand this as questions arise….

-Darkblaez

[juju2]

Great question.

I don't know the answer.

[rj47]

I think the operative phrase is... ."no good deed goes unpunished".

It did me no good to think about all that I tried to do. I wasn't perfect and made plenty of mistakes along the way. I moved the family to the western US when we had a young family. Two years later I secured a job offer near our home city. She admitted that she didn't want to go back, then conveniently forgot that I offered to move and rebuked me for 15 years for stealing her from family and friends. We moved to the southeast US to be near my family (she was NC with her family at the time) for a time while I consulted for a large company. I hoped she would be happy there. Ended up back out west a year later. Years later when we were separating and she yearned for the Midwest again I offered to set her up in a home. She stayed saying I had ruined her life as she needed to stay close to our children.

What can you do but roll with it and put it behind you.

I think they must remember. After the smoke settled from the breakup she eventually admitted to having no desire to moving back there, apologized for the hard years we had, got herself help, and is doing better today. Its a small consolation. I was resentful for a time, but have no hard feelings about it now... .had to let it go.

[Shawnlam]

I would tend to think no once they paint you black.Dont forget they have the emotional mind of a child.So if they ended on hating you I’m thinking they probably don’t care  to remember (my opinion).I do think when they hit those heavy depression times they might remember the good things you did for them or even maybe the love you gave them (I stress maybe) on that .
I read your story darkblaze and like you and many others on here you gave her the world,not many men would of done half of what you did for her.You know what the common trend I see with every story on here including mine? These BPD people take,take,take , and give nothing in return except the occasional mirroring back to keep us interested.The question that comes to mind and hurts the most to answer is ,did they ever love us at all,and see anything we did for them at all? I fear answering that question because it will hurt me to do so ... .I’m sure you know my answer to it darkblaze... .and I think you know the answer to your question to ,it’s sucks to contimplate it.

[icky]

I doubt it.
I think for pwBPD, our kindness is like the weather... .it's sunshine.

But they can't store up the sunshine, or hold onto it, or actively participate in a dynamic that makes sunshine a regular, dependable part of their lives.

So they go "Oooh, sunshine, nice, I'll have a bit of that".
And then when the weather gets rainy and miserable again, that's what they're dealing with.

And the memory of sunshine days probably feels as distant, as the nice memory of a holiday we've been on feels to us. Nice for sure, but an emotionally distant memory and not life-changing or deeply meaningful.

I think what you're hoping for - that the good and kind stuff you did is like an investment in their soul and now it's saved up in some inner piggy bank and paying off emotional interest - I doubt that's the case.

For that kind of growth to occur, a pwBPD would need a) someone who is consciously and kindly surrogate parenting them as an emotional 3 year old over a long period of time and b) therapy.

That's not what we gave them.
We gave them "random kindness" on their complicated, fraught journey.
Like a few sunny days that they enjoyed while they were there.

[Cromwell]

I Think icky nailed this one on the head, at least for how I feel about it.

no amount of expensive gifts, happy moments or sacrificies I ever felt were "taken on board" so to speak, on a conscious level and embraced.

thats not to say they werent "appreciated". but I really feel my ex associated that anyone who did something did it because they expected something back.

I told her I did these things because it made me happy to see her happy and I loved her.

Looking back I know just how much this probably set her into an emotional dysregulation of entertaining what is a very uncomfortable thought to believe.

its almost like the more good I did, the more she would be painstakingly trying her utmost to find something wrong with me, or a hidden agenda, to rather be able to paint me black than to make herself vulnerable to accept that the world is not a place full of people with horns on their heads.

Part of it also is when someone feels a great sense of shame about themselves and has miniscule feelings of self worth, it is hard to accept even a compliment from someone else let a lone gestures of love or goodwill. the feeling of "im a bad person really so why are you doing this".

I really spoiled my ex and she knew it and at the time tried to embrace it and got happiness, but in the long term I think the best it did was to make her feel guilty. not more than that.

sucks to be her I guess.

[Shawnlam]

Just another thought here on something I remembered from her.I as well had bought her gifts and did nice things for her and remember her reactions only now.Most of the time she had to force herself to say thank you.She wouldn’t wear let’s say the jewelry I gave her ever almost like it was too good for her in her mins & she wanted to give it back when I broke up with her.(like a child would). I also remember her telling me once near the end of our relationship, I want you to get mad at me how come you never get mad at me? What do I need to do to anger you enough? She also said I wish you’d push me up into a wall and dominate me,but the way she said it ,it wasn’t to be kinky or sex fun ,I think she meant it... .the more I rewind these tapes the more issues towards BPD I unfold

[Darkblaez]

Thanks everyone for the responses. So seems everything is so temporal that these experiences are all in the moment. Then is the converse true? Or do they focus more on the negative and collect that as the collateral debt over the good. As in, any criticism or points of frustration I pointed out to her over many of her actions, does that build up and all they tend to remember and focus on?

-Darkblaez

[icky]

I'm only guessing here, but I think probably neither the positive or negative leaves a big impact.
I think they are struggling with such massive, deep inner problems.
The positive and negative in your relationship were probably like sunshine and rain.
But she's distracted from painful stuff inside her, that's got the force of a tornado.
I dare say that is what she focuses on and the rest is just her searching for some way to fix or run away from this tornado stuff.
But, as I said, I'm guessing here.

[Shawnlam]

Dark from what I’ve been reading these last few months the negative builds up and simply builds up their saviour into what would seem the enemy.One of the goals of a BPD is to never let anyone too close so they get hurt.So they do the sabotaging themselves in order to protect themselves ... .stupid I know but that’s the whole point of this disorder.

So I think your question is do they ever remember what it was like at the beginning during the mirroring /love bombing stage? And do they remember all the great times and great gifts or things done for them.I believe once you are out of the picture all those memories stimulate the failure of you not being able to save them and hence no they don’t care to remember or have a use for it.You and all those memories are no longer required ... .off to a new target.

[Cromwell]

Dark from what I’ve been reading these last few months the negative builds up and simply builds up their saviour into what would seem the enemy.One of the goals of a BPD is to never let anyone too close so they get hurt.So they do the sabotaging themselves in order to protect themselves ... .stupid I know but that’s the whole point of this disorder.

So I think your question is do they ever remember what it was like at the beginning during the mirroring /love bombing stage? And do they remember all the great times and great gifts or things done for them.I believe once you are out of the picture all those memories stimulate the failure of you not being able to save them and hence no they don’t care to remember or have a use for it.You and all those memories are no longer required ... .off to a new target.

they do remember us based on any remaining trinkets from their previous relationships. One had bought her a phone that she still had and she told me in a very superior way how she managed to get it from him, much like a con artist was gloating.

should have been a  but I was forever giving the benefit of the doubt

it will be viewed that "ha, I got this, because I was so good at hiding who I really was and pretending to be what they wanted to believe - if only he really knew"  my preciousssssss

[MeandThee29]

My question is, do BPD individuals recall or remember any of the good? Do they take in to consideration all that you have done for them, rationalize it at all? Or once I am split black, game over and none of it ever existed to them?

Infrequently if at all. He has horrific health problems, and I weathered all of that without expecting much in return. Anesthesia and hospitals especially fired him up, and I was the scapegoat with no apologies.

I actually got to the point that I expected nothing and went on with life, relying on other areas to get by.

Then he fired on me on an ongoing basis, no holds barred. Nevermind so many years being basically a nurse and slave.

The black-and-white thinking says that I never was any good; yup, twenty-five years of being a horrid wife.

[Rinzler]

they do remember us based on any remaining trinkets from their previous relationships. One had bought her a phone that she still had and she told me in a very superior way how she managed to get it from him, much like a con artist was gloating.

should have been a  but I was forever giving the benefit of the doubt

it will be viewed that "ha, I got this, because I was so good at hiding who I really was and pretending to be what they wanted to believe - if only he really knew"  my preciousssssss

What a pathetic lowlife. Mine was such an ungrateful slag she would actually claim I was so ungiving that her self esteem fell while with me.  Meanwhile shopping sprees almost every weekend and expensive nails done.
The most ungrateful and memory absolving sobs are these people.

They dont remember because they sell themselves on whatever new idea they need to... .just to deflect guilt.
They're litterally an abomination of a human being.