I'm shocked at the type of man she cheated and left me for...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Same Gunit. My exBPDbf always made comments on me being younger than him, by 5 years, I don't class that as younger to be honest.  But he always said "you like older men?".  He ALWAYS went for older women.  Damaged women, affairs etc... .The only ex I know who was younger than him was his ex wife, and he openingly said he should never have married, he never loved her and only stayed as she fell pregnant early on in their relationship.  I found some writing of his that said and I quote "I'm a marriage wrecker... .I don't want to be this guy ... .I read the creases in this womens faces, I know what they want and I know how to get them".  He knew what he was doing.

Yeah wow, u don't expect them to be like that. Did u find all this out and what he was truly like after? To be honest I only saw her true and worst side when she was discarding me and seeing him behind my back. Before that besides little things and fights she APPEARED nornal for most part. Now I think how was I so tricked.

When I read about BPD ppl have more extreme cases of abuse but I got angry side but woukdnt say totally abusive, she was more emotionally abusive to me. Does this still fit BPD or maybe more npd?

[Gunit1]

Same Gunit. My exBPDbf always made comments on me being younger than him, by 5 years, I don't class that as younger to be honest.  But he always said "you like older men?".  He ALWAYS went for older women.  Damaged women, affairs etc... .The only ex I know who was younger than him was his ex wife, and he openingly said he should never have married, he never loved her and only stayed as she fell pregnant early on in their relationship.  I found some writing of his that said and I quote "I'm a marriage wrecker... .I don't want to be this guy ... .I read the creases in this womens faces, I know what they want and I know how to get them".  He knew what he was doing.

Yeah wow, u don't expect them to be like that. Did u find all this out and what he was truly like after? To be honest I only saw her true and worst side when she was discarding me and seeing him behind my back. Before that besides little things and fights she APPEARED nornal for most part. Now I think how was I so tricked.

When I read about BPD ppl have more extreme cases of abuse but I got angry side but woukdnt say totally abusive, she was more emotionally abusive to me. Does this still fit BPD or maybe more npd?

[JustNeedToTalk]

Yeah wow, u don't expect them to be like that. Did u find all this out and what he was truly like after? To be honest I only saw her true and worst side when she was discarding me and seeing him behind my back. Before that besides little things and fights she APPEARED nornal for most part. Now I think how was I so tricked.

When I read about BPD ppl have more extreme cases of abuse but I got angry side but woukdnt say totally abusive, she was more emotionally abusive to me. Does this still fit BPD or maybe more npd?

Same Gunit1, he was always charming and attentive when we were together.  Only ever one issue, he had no respect for time keeping and his excuse was my punctuality annoyed him.  

Things started to unravel during my devalue and discard.  He would start criticising me in very personal ways.  Telling me I had squint teeth or I had a camel toe in trouser, horrid things, when previously he always told me I was beautiful and stylish.  He would leave things around the house, writing telling me he want to move to another country and some absurd things about being a social chameleon and as I said a marriage wrecker.  He started to say I was needy and he liked his own space, which I am not (we’d not long moved in together).  By this point he was already emotionally attached to another woman (married of course).  I started to distance myself from him and would attend after work drinks with friends etc. and not invite him, he would text me asking where I was and I would just not read the messages, this obviously triggered his abandonment issues and this is when things got bad and he used my credit card and car to go to a hotel and sleep with his ex (another married woman).  Started hitting me.  

And bam – when everything was disclosed he sobbed like a baby begging me, then the next day nothing.  Friends told me he was euphoric and telling everyone he felt like his life could begin now that I was out of it.  But the abuse still didn't stop, calling me, texting me, saying unspeakable things until I finally outed him to his family and friends, and that was the trigger that allowed him to paint me black.  I played right into his hands.  Fool that I am.

He is definitely BPD, and I think slightly bipolar too, as all this happened in a 2 week period after he attended a LGAT course that sent him manic, and I mean manic.

[Gunit1]

Yeah see mine didn't seem that crazy but again I was her affair, she may done all this to her main supply bf. He did say she was angry, moody, liar, manipulative possibly bipolar, Sociopathic tenancies.

What I saw was moody, always played victim, cheating, lying and then when met this grampa looking guy she became distant and harsh but I think to trigger me and then she could use my anger about it to say everything is my fault. She said I destroyed her salvaging anything with her bf and having a baby with him... .Even tho she was already in a 3rd affair at same time.

I'm still not sure if that's BPD behaviour or more npd but it's not nornal. Lied about things when was even easier to tell the truth. She seems more into committing to older men like this new one looks 15 years older then her.

[Gunit1]

Because I'm not fully past it yet it actually makes me still feel bit sick that she wants and does have this dude getting with her. Like old man and fact she wants and likes it I see as disgusting.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Because I'm not fully past it yet it actually makes me still feel bit sick that she wants and does have this dude getting with her. Like old man and fact she wants and likes it I see as disgusting.

I here you... .I know my ex would sleep with anything for the attention and sex.  Turns my stomach.

In my devaluation he tried to get me to have a threesome with a girl who I am pretty sure had disabilities and was drunk.  Looking back now I want to vomit.

My ex was never abusive in the relationship, only after so similar to your GF (affair partner).  And he also possessed sociopath tendencies.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Gunit1 - does this describe how you were treated?


The devaluation phase is about shifting blame. From my experience only, the process seems to be:

•BPD does something that triggers shame (cheats, lies etc), or they just want to leave the relationship.
•The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim.
•Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. They eventually do react.
•The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant.
•The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship.
•Knowing they are the victim, the BPD then walks away, completely detached emotionally and never looks back again at their abusive partner.
•The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one.
•The BPD then tells the new guy how abusive her ex was, and the process starts again.

[Enabler]

Gunit1 - does this describe how you were treated?
From my experience only

That makes 2 of us

On the advice of another board member I read a book called "Love must be tough". It's a Christian book but my guess is that the emotions involved in infidelity are similar regardless of whether or not they are within a religious framework. The feelings involved in infidelity are painful, many/most people will feel uncomfortable with these feelings and pwBPD especially so they look to find reasons to justify their guilt, to transfer it. The writer identifies 3 areas of guilt to transfer and details out the common lines used by the offender to morally absolve themselves of their wrongdoings. The Spouse, the kids, God.

Spouse - the relationship was never right, actually we should never have got married. You are abusive towards me
Kids - the kids will be so much happier if we're not together, this is a toxic environment, you are abusive towards the kids
God -  we (the other man/woman and I) have prayed extensively about this and God is telling us this is the right thing to do, God has sent this special relationship and this love can only be sent from God.

All bad feelings gone, moral  justification approved... .move on with selfish destruction, you deserve everything you get, I am pure... .

The mind is a magical muscle

[Gunit1]

Gunit1 - does this describe how you were treated?


The devaluation phase is about shifting blame. From my experience only, the process seems to be:

•BPD does something that triggers shame (cheats, lies etc), or they just want to leave the relationship.
•The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim.
•Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. They eventually do react.
•The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant.
•The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship.
•Knowing they are the victim, the BPD then walks away, completely detached emotionally and never looks back again at their abusive partner.
•The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one.
•The BPD then tells the new guy how abusive her ex was, and the process starts again.

It went 100% like that not that she would admit it. But then why lie about cheating all way to end and never admit it. Cut me off instead at end. That's how it all played out though. But is this a BPD thing a npd thing? Or someone normal do that as well.

I kmow she's not normal because there was way to many things and bs but others with their BPD stories seemed like theirs were way out of control? Mine has good high paying job and has everyone else fooled besides the people that know the truth. Other ppl who don't know her say she's good looking but looks crazy or looks like a b*tch, others said she's pathological liar, seeks attention and flirts.


And now when think back she use to do this stare and I would ask why staring at me and she would say not thinking about anything or just want to or love yr facial features, then last time after cheating she did it and this time the look in eyes didn't look like love anymore, seemed empty.

Her emotions were up and down at start with me, one moment she's all lovey and saying her heart hurts, next day she's pushing me away sayinf needs focus on her rel. I go away and 2 days later she's reeling me back in. Then besides her massive self centeredness, everything on her time, jealousy at times and being mass hyoercrit she appeared normal outside of that. I never would have guessed I would see this evil thing come out which seemed more like npd when devaluing and discarding me. It was like love love love, cheated, came back and within 3 weeks of it going downhill she became a strange and within 5 weeks no longer in my life

[Cromwell]

Because I'm not fully past it yet it actually makes me still feel bit sick that she wants and does have this dude getting with her. Like old man and fact she wants and likes it I see as disgusting.

Anyone who gets a taste for that sort of thing once either has to keep finding a source to repeat it with again - in a way of minimising and 'normalising' it within themselves, or get very depressed about it.

being with my ex started to go down a difficult path for me as I feel that she did such things to force me into a situation of changing my own moral compass.

I see it now as a sort of coping mechanism, albeit a very poor and transient one. It just ends up compounding already low self esteem issues and puts them in vulnerable positions that lead to further trauma. It is part of a destructive cycle.

my ex already confided in me that she could never have a normal loving relationship with someone.

so once they have resigned themselves to this, what have they to lose by just having apparently lost the ego and seeking out any form of hedonistic behaviour.

Cromwell

[Gunit1]

So they prefer old men so it's more safe? It's jsut hard to understand that someone who is telling you how much they love u and the connection u have almost all the time instantly cheats with old ugly guy and then thinks that's their next soul mate and within weeks can be done with u in every single way. Like they try spark anger in u to then justify their leaving. I was called, crazy, jealous, manipulative, possessive at the end when I was onto her cheating. Sounds more like her so that's projection?

[Shawnlam]

The short answer is yes that’s exactly what it is projection.Welcome to the intricacies of a BPD sick mind ! My ex did all the same things so don’t feel  bad you are not alone .

[JustNeedToTalk]

I see it now as a sort of coping mechanism, albeit a very poor and transient one. It just ends up compounding already low self esteem issues and puts them in vulnerable positions that lead to further trauma. It is part of a destructive cycle.

my ex already confided in me that she could never have a normal loving relationship with someone.

This is exactly what my ex said to me.  He doesn't have the ability to have a real relationship with anyone.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I was called, crazy, jealous, manipulative, possessive at the end when I was onto her cheating. Sounds more like her so that's projection?

Exactly what I was told.  I pushed him to cheat for all the reason you have quoted above.  That is projection as others have said.  At the time I genuinely believed him.  I thought I was the crazy one.

[Frank88]

People, especially women, move on really quickly, even healthy ones. Being in a relationship is what society pushes on us. But, I was shocked at first. That was over two years ago. She moved on quickly from him and from the next one.

[Gunit1]

Mine was in rel for 11 years before (cheating as well of course) only lasted 15 months with me before got opp to drink on work travel trip with work guy and boom first opp and she's off. Couldn't even not do it once.

Mine didn't say she couldn't love though and truly believes she loved me and her ex but treated as both like @ss so seems all fake. Maybe she's not BPD. Maybe just crazy

[Gunit1]

People, especially women, move on really quickly, even healthy ones. Being in a relationship is what society pushes on us. But, I was shocked at first. That was over two years ago. She moved on quickly from him and from the next one.

If they move on quickly after break up I'd be hurt but worse when they cheat, lie and then leave u for that guy but still till day never admitted it and said I was totally wrong and out of line. She knew she was gonna cut me off by then so woukdnt ever have to answer for it

[Enabler]

What better way to both validate the feeling that you are dirty and broken whist attaining the feeling that you're "loved" and wanted than to be standing in the middle of a circle of men who lustfully want to poke you in every single orifice... .I see nothing about that which isn't BPD.

Similarly, the desire to have control (of other people... .who might hurt you by withdrawing your NEEDS / abandon you and your NEEDS) and maintain freedom (from responsibility... .which could lead to failure and further feelings of wrong and brokeness)... .well why wouldn't you derive great pleasure from the manipulation of a Doctor?

BPD lays on top of the individuals values. If your personal values are that affairs are okay, sexual liberation is awesome and you've had a string of sexual partners then guess what, having affairs and having a string of sexual partners isn't going to involve any sort of shame or guilt. If your personal values are that of a Christian, such an affair or impulsive sexual encounter is going to mentally torture you and most likely cause you to stay emotionally dysregulated for a very long period of time. At baseline... .what would their views on sexual infidelity be?