I might lose my daughter over my BPD husband

[believer55]

Sorry - haven't posted for a while and as usual it takes me to feel really down before I come back.

Been with hwBPD for 7.5 years married 1.5 years. Our kids (2 his 2 mine) were 7,7,9 and 10 when we got together. We moved in after being together for 2 years (he was able to hide symptoms before then). He was not diagnosed when we moved in - it was after his terrible, abusive rages that I sought answers and today he does not rage as much but the narcissism, bullying and childish behaviours are all still evident.

My now 16 year old daughter is saying she does not want to stay with us anymore (she is 50% with me) and although things are not too good at her father's and we have a really close relationship, she says she can't put up with him anymore or see me unhappy anymore.

Has anyone else been through this? I have told her I will support her whatever she wishes to do, but I know I need to broach the subject with my husband. Of course he will see it is as all being about him and how unfair it is on him and that his actions shouldn't affect anyone else.

If you have a similar story I would love to hear how it went.

Thanks

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry believer55,

I"m sure it was hard to hear that from your daughter. It's great that you are being supportive of her though. Has your H targeted your daughter?

This might be a good opportunity to talk with your H about how his behavior affects others. I understand how it could produce anxiety in you. It's a hard thing to say "My daughter doesn't want to live with us anymore because of your behavior."

Can we help you walk through how the conversation might go?

[isilme]

I can only respond based on my own childhood experience.  Both my parents have BPD.  I was an only child, and I was essentially forbidden real interaction with most people outside of school hours and the few things that were sanctioned, like Girl Scouts.  So it was a basketful of crazy most of my life, and I really did not know any better other than what TV showed me.

Once my parents actually separated and later divorced, I ended up with Dad.  He is a sociopath at best.  But, Mom was out of the picture and taking the drama and cutting it in half did wonder for me.  Dad was a terrible father, but after a while mostly he neglected me rather than raged at me, and so I was able to actually do better finding myself as a person without Mom there to gaslight me and Dad always on my case because Mom goaded him into it to distract from things SHE was doing. 

Yes, I'd find a way to mention to your H that she wants to do a trial period at her dad's.  And yes, he needs to know that his actions have contributed to her decision.  Without knowing what makes he dad's place "not too good" it's hard to say if this might be something that can benefit your daughter or not. 

Is there a time of day/week when your H is more approachable, less likely to be triggered by such a conversation?  Does he do better at night?  In the morning? 

[Radcliff]

believer55,

Can you describe how things are from D16's perspective?  What behaviors is she seeing that are causing her the most distress?  Does he target her, speak unkindly to her, etc.?  Or is she witnessing conflict between you and your husband?  Understanding more detail about what D16 is experiencing will help us give you the most useful feedback.

WW