New to all of this—will we live a normal life when he returns home?

[Parents! Get help here!]

We have had a very rough year and a half. Our 16 year old son (technically my step son for 8 years) was in crisis mode and was sent to the state mental hospital after attacking himself one night after a "blow up" with my husband and I. He stayed there for a month, they diagnosed him with Intermittent explosive disorder and mood disorder. Gave him some pills, said he was good to go. We received mental health care after, which he was later diagnosed with high functioning Autism, and had the IDD staff help us. He had 5 or 6 appointments every week along with seeing the Psychiatrist every 6 weeks. His care was so intense that we decided I needed to quit my job. Things were manageable. In August, I went out of state for a business convention, this is where things got even worse. While on the last day of the convention, I got a couple calls that I never dreamed I would get. Our son was having a blow up and completely went over the edge, the police were called out and he was arrested for family assault on his sister... .I was 1200 miles away from home, on the phone and watching our security cameras as the police officer took our kid... .from then, the police were called out multiple times and each time his behavior became more irrational. We finally got him accepted to a residential treatment facility last September, and he has now been there since the end of October. They have said that he has traits indicative of BPD and recommended that I read a few books, everything screams "OUR KID" and I'm left thinking... .WTactualH? Now, I have been in counselling for a little more than a year, because I was really struggling with our crazy lives... .Along with our son, we have 4 other kids in the house, the youngest being 12 now and we run our own business, I had a full time job that was an hour's drive away, we have many animals, and all of our kids are involved in some kind of activity or another... .we are BUSY and I needed help processing my day to day life... .no biggie. but it has been suggested many times, by many different people, my counselor, son's psychologists, son's mentor, son's current therapist and other encounters that I likely suffer from PTSD from his blow ups... .I am trying to understand all that is BPD... .but really... .I think it's overwhelming and it just doesn't make any sense.

Will we live a normal life when he returns home? What about in a couple years when he graduates HS? Will he be able to have normal healthy relationships? Our other 4 kids are all in counselling now too, will they be ok when he returns? Will I completely lose my marbles? Will he destroy me? So many questions, with no answers at this point. I am scared... .

[Forever25]

We have had a very rough year and a half. Our 16 year old son (technically my step son for 8 years) was in crisis mode and was sent to the state mental hospital after attacking himself one night after a "blow up" with my husband and I. He stayed there for a month, they diagnosed him with Intermittent explosive disorder and mood disorder. Gave him some pills, said he was good to go. We received mental health care after, which he was later diagnosed with high functioning Autism, and had the IDD staff help us. He had 5 or 6 appointments every week along with seeing the Psychiatrist every 6 weeks. His care was so intense that we decided I needed to quit my job. Things were manageable. In August, I went out of state for a business convention, this is where things got even worse. While on the last day of the convention, I got a couple calls that I never dreamed I would get. Our son was having a blow up and completely went over the edge, the police were called out and he was arrested for family assault on his sister... .I was 1200 miles away from home, on the phone and watching our security cameras as the police officer took our kid... .from then, the police were called out multiple times and each time his behavior became more irrational. We finally got him accepted to a residential treatment facility last September, and he has now been there since the end of October. They have said that he has traits indicative of BPD and recommended that I read a few books, everything screams "OUR KID" and I'm left thinking... .WTactualH? Now, I have been in counselling for a little more than a year, because I was really struggling with our crazy lives... .Along with our son, we have 4 other kids in the house, the youngest being 12 now and we run our own business, I had a full time job that was an hour's drive away, we have many animals, and all of our kids are involved in some kind of activity or another... .we are BUSY and I needed help processing my day to day life... .no biggie. but it has been suggested many times, by many different people, my counselor, son's psychologists, son's mentor, son's current therapist and other encounters that I likely suffer from PTSD from his blow ups... .I am trying to understand all that is BPD... .but really... .I think it's overwhelming and it just doesn't make any sense.

Will we live a normal life when he returns home? What about in a couple years when he graduates HS? Will he be able to have normal healthy relationships? Our other 4 kids are all in counselling now too, will they be ok when he returns? Will I completely lose my marbles? Will he destroy me? So many questions, with no answers at this point. I am scared... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Forever25,



Welcome to the community! I'm sorry that things have gotten so difficult with your son. That is a lot of stress to deal with. I can understand having so many questions—this kind of situation can knock us right off our feet.

I'm glad you reached out, because you've found a community of members who understand what you are going through. You are not alone. And things can get better. They have for many of our members.

It sounds like your household is very busy. What do you do for self-care? Do you have some time set aside just for you?

How is your partner dealing with the situation?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Forever25]

I go to counselling every week. I also try to dedicate time to painting, as it seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off of everything else completely. While our son is at the treatment facility, I usually am at home by myself, and I am able to work from home and do some house work too (we bought our first house right after he went in to treatment) which poses many more questions. We moved, all of his stuff is in boxes, we have all been living at our new house for 5 months with out him, when he comes, it will be closer to a year with out him. He isn't going to know where anything is, I can only imagine that will be even more frustrating for him... .

My husband is fine, I believe he might be disconnected from the emotion of it all, because the "blow ups" were usually directed at me. "I hate you" "I wish you never met my dad" "I wish you would just leave" "I was better when you weren't here" So, he doesn't feel nor really understand how I feel, but is very supportive of my needs if I can express what they are! I battle intense anxiety every moment of every day, which makes things a bit more difficult for us... .but between my husband and I, it balances things out. I question everything, and everything has to have a reasonable answer or solution, and with BPD it seems that that has to go out the window, because it is not reasonable, or rational, and it does not have a solution that makes sense... .right? but that's where my husband steps in and reminds me that I overthink and over analyze and some things just don't make sense, and I am working on being ok with that... .:/

[bluek9]

Welcome Forever25

           Heartandwhole is right, BPD can really knock us for a loop. It's not bad enough that we have to manage the present behaviors, we also have to educate ourselves on a mental illness that is changing our kids right in front of our eyes. It can often become overwhelming, when that happens to me, I come here. I know that no matter what I complain about, ask about or wonder about, I can find understanding and compassion here. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. Remember self care, anything that makes you feel better, or helps to relive the stress for a while.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Forever 25,


What a terrible year you've been through. You must be so exhausted. I would highly recommend reading "loving someone with borderline personality disorder," by Sherri Manning. It's my favorite of the books about BPD and I found it the most helpful.

Things definitely can get better. I think the two big things to think about and discuss with your husband are: what boundaries do we need to set to make our family feel safe and respected, And, what have we done in the past that has to change to make ourselves feel sane?

Perhaps you can work with your son's residential treatment providers to come up with a plan when he is released. Things like having a plan when he becomes upset can be really helpful. At some point we wrote an anger contract with our daughter where we both said what we would and wouldn't do. For example, she hates being touched when she's upset, so we promised not to touch her and she promised to leave the room.

Just some things to consider. I hope you're taking care of yourself, and finding ways to relax a little