I haven't been good at NC. Mainly because she makes it impossible.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I haven't been very good at NC lately.  Mainly because she makes it almost impossible coming to my office or driving by my house.

Anyway yesterday we briefly text about her sister having surgery that morning.

During the text she said she was coming home.  I guess she meant that literally because its a 3 hour drive from the hospital to my house and boom she drives up and honks the horn.

I go outside and she rolls down the window.

She starts talking about how much she misses me and loves me and just needs to hang out for a while.

I said you have a new boyfriend now go hang out with him.  She dropped her head and said they aren't together anymore and that she only did that to make me jealous.  She also said she knew it was petty.

I told her that I was sorry she could not come it.  She began begging me.  I mean like hardcore begging.

Then she said we could have sex.  I said that I wasn't interested in having sex with her.

She looked stunned and said ok rolled up the window and drove off.

She text 20 minutes later and said she was going to her house to take a shower then be back over.

I said no do not come back here.  Then she starts in with the sex thing again and how she wanted to do it and how I am the only person that can make her feel that way blah blah blah.

I stayed firm and told her that I had established boundaries and she wouldn't be allowed to cross them anymore.

Then to my amazement she started telling me that she knew that she had been difficult in our marriage and that she was so so sorry and that she cant function without me.

Told me she loved me about ten more times and then I just blocked her.  It would have went on forever.

Now I didn't get upset after this happened.  I almost felt a little relief but the thing that's got me somewhat confused is the apology and the taking a little ownership of what happened.  

What do you all think?

[Foursome]

So I haven't been very good at NC lately.  Mainly because she makes it almost impossible coming to my office or driving by my house.

Anyway yesterday we briefly text about her sister having surgery that morning.

During the text she said she was coming home.  I guess she meant that literally because its a 3 hour drive from the hospital to my house and boom she drives up and honks the horn.

I go outside and she rolls down the window.

She starts talking about how much she misses me and loves me and just needs to hang out for a while.

I said you have a new boyfriend now go hang out with him.  She dropped her head and said they aren't together anymore and that she only did that to make me jealous.  She also said she knew it was petty.

I told her that I was sorry she could not come it.  She began begging me.  I mean like hardcore begging.

Then she said we could have sex.  I said that I wasn't interested in having sex with her.

She looked stunned and said ok rolled up the window and drove off.

She text 20 minutes later and said she was going to her house to take a shower then be back over.

I said no do not come back here.  Then she starts in with the sex thing again and how she wanted to do it and how I am the only person that can make her feel that way blah blah blah.

I stayed firm and told her that I had established boundaries and she wouldn't be allowed to cross them anymore.

Then to my amazement she started telling me that she knew that she had been difficult in our marriage and that she was so so sorry and that she cant function without me.

Told me she loved me about ten more times and then I just blocked her.  It would have went on forever.

Now I didn't get upset after this happened.  I almost felt a little relief but the thing that's got me somewhat confused is the apology and the taking a little ownership of what happened.  

What do you all think?

[Cromwell]

well done for being assertive in what looked like a lot of pressure and as you say, boundary pushing.

This sort of scenario is what I feared for myself having to encounter.

I think any small indicator you give her that she has a chance, she will latch right on to it. shes tried being friendly, shes tried cry tactic, offered sex then at the very last resort apologised (dont feel too cynical if you dont believe this isnt a heartfelt one) and was just the last attempt where all others seemed to be failing.

She left you for this new opportunity and couldnt give a damn about your feelings. its obviously not worked out as well as she hoped so she is scrambling to get back, to allieviate her feelings of abandonment.

in order to apologise she would have to first admit shame in what she did and how it has affected you.

she said she cheated on you to make you jealous in the same breath downplayed it as "petty".

not the actions of someone experiencing real empathy and remorse.

I feel like it is replaying what I went through, although I fell mostly for the sex hook and for the fact the cheating was never admitted. so pretty much I denied it away.

if she had a better fall-back plan, would you have ever got an apology? This will always be about her needs, behaving like a toddler if someone says no to her, and if she would have been ok with the other target and all worked well, you would be as important to her as chopped liver.

Just be careful now, the abandonment button has been pressed. I coped fine by bariccarding myself away and got some brief stalking online and in real, but what helped me the most was that I was firm when needed to be. my mistake was getting hooked back in before, they learn your weak points and what works, so the next time you have to even go far further to make them realise you wont give in. its important not to send mixed messages.

You did great to just repeat yourself. You told her not to come back and she just ignored it and changed the subject. if it happens again dont get sidetracked, just repeat it over and over.

they keep dropping water on a stone with the love bombing but just change your number if thats possible.

 put your car in the garage and hide your pets. Once she finally realises there really is no way backto you then she will self-combust and you dont want to be around when that happens.

[GaGrl]

Person's with BPD cannot self-soothe. When their emotions are disregulated, they desperately look for something (shopping, alcohol, etc.) or someone (a partner, former partner) who can provide that soothing.

It sounds as if the hospital and broken relationship have your ex disregulated, and you may be the solution she is targeting to soothe her. Does that sound possible to you? Is it familiar from her previous behavior?

[Foursome]

I keep pushing the abandonment button.  I left her.  I divorced her with her standing next to me in the courtroom.

She collapsed and my mother had to remove her.

Everytime she tries I reject her.  Why is she still trying.  All of her family and friends tell me that she is devastated and have never seen her like this.

I know someone where she works and they told me that since I left her she is starting to miss a lot of work.

Its like she has BPD then she dont then she does again.  Its very confusing.

[Cromwell]

I keep pushing the abandonment button.  I left her.  I divorced her with her standing next to me in the courtroom.

She collapsed and my mother had to remove her.

Everytime she tries I reject her.  Why is she still trying.  All of her family and friends tell me that she is devastated and have never seen her like this.

I know someone where she works and they told me that since I left her she is starting to miss a lot of work.

Its like she has BPD then she dont then she does again.  Its very confusing.

mines stalked me and all her exs. its what Gagrl mentioned, a form of self soothing. even though I never faced mine again or gave her the dignity of a FO. she did stalk me for awhile and I think it is mostly when they have lost other sources to soothe from. divorcing her will be forcing her to confront a feeling of shame, she is doing everything possible not to look at that core trauma wound and re-open it. you are the opportunity for her to avoid it by accepting her into your life it will show that she had nothing to be shameful for and wasnt abandoned.

Cromwell

[Skip]

I keep pushing the abandonment button.

It's not working for either of you... .it might be time to try something else. No contact can be brutal and it can make matters worse.

Controlled contact, where you agree to communicate by email and to talk about things (like your mother), but not the relationship. She will likely accept this and you won't have to reject her over and over.

In controlled contact, just don't get engaged into an argument, discussions about the relationship... .and don't be reactionary. Wait and hour or two before responding.

She is showing the signs of completely breaking down. If she goes far enough, she may very well kill herself... .that's how these meltdowns can end up.

Your "NC" is extremely intense - you will not be able to disengage it this mode. It would be better to move to a less intense CC. Remember is not "NC", its affecting emotional detachment.

The relationship is over... .in time she will back off.

How is your relationship with the children?

[Foursome]

We had a good relationship while I was their stepdad but I havnt seen them since I made her leave.

Its sad and they are the true victims.  I talked to the kids grand dad last weekend and he told me that she has pretty much just stopped being a mother.  Pawns them off on everyone else.

[Skip]

She's crashing, foursome. That's a hard place for you to be. You don't want to rescue her - you don't want to push her over the edge.

pwBPD feel emotions intensely. You saw that when she was crazy about you. Now, she is feeling the down emotions intensely.

You may want to open he door to the kids... .this has to be hard on them. How old are they?

[Foursome]

I feel terrible for her.  I know I cannot help but I also dont want to hurt her.

The kids are 13,15 and 18.

She loves them very much I know that but she does them the same way she does me.

[icky]

It's not working for either of you... .it might be time to try something else. No contact can be brutal and it can make matters worse.

Controlled contact, where you agree to communicate by email and to talk about things (like your mother), but not the relationship. She will likely accept this and you won't have to reject her over and over.

I agree that NC can be much more difficult than controlled contact.

I have an uBPD mother and have been effectively NC for 17 years, but actually it is controlled contact.

I posted about it in this thread the other day:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322747.0

I'll copy and paste it here:

I was given hell when I went NC with my mother many years ago too.
It escalated beyond belief and like you, I had lawyers and the police involved to maintain the boundaries.

I'll tell you one thing that my therapist and I did, which helped: In my email inbox, I set up a folder for her toxic emails and when they arrived, I would put them in the folder straight away, unopened. That stopped me being exposed to the toxic contents.

Because there was lots of threats/ legal stuff going on at the time I went NC, sometimes I found I couldn't handle the pressure of an un-opened/ un-read email, which could possibly contain threats that I needed to "attend" to to ensure my personal safety.

So what I would do is let my therapist read the email (without my reading it). All he would do is answer my question "Are there any threats in this email I need to attend to/ deal with/ take legal action on?" Thankfully, he always said no, if I recall correctly (this is many years ago). After a while, the emails dried up, but when random emails did arrive, I would do the above and just pass them on to my therapist.

Now here's an interesting question: Since I was determined to go NC long-term, why didn't I just find a way of *preventing* her emails to me? Well, my therapist and I agreed that she was someone who would ALWAYS seek a way of getting in touch and it was better to have this method available to her, as it was one that we could control easily and effectively as described above. It's like she needed a "valve" for the abusiveness.

Had we denied her this method of hurling abusive or manipulative stuff my way, I am certain she would have started up looking for other ways. So it was very important to me to leave this "fake" method of contacting me in place.

Leaving a controlled "valve" in place can stop the pwBPD breaching the NC in really messy, unpredictable ways.

It sounds weird, but can be very effective, because it's more in tune with their reality and what is likely to occur.

[Foursome]

Now I get a text from her girlfriend that she is in the hospital and needs some info please text her.

I did and she wanted to know a medication that she had been given.

One that I dang well no she knew the name of.

Im losing my mind over this.

[Shawnlam]

Honestly it is your sanity at play her bro ,forget her she destroyed what you guys had not you.Its too bad for her kids but they are not your problem,as harsh as that sounds .This will sound really really bad but every time you feel so bad for her and want to give in... .think of her on top of the man she cheated on you with,moaning in pleasure... .yeah it’s harsh but that’s what I think now when I picture my gf.Screw these people they are heartless vultures who prey on kindness

[Patusito]

Your experience resonates with mine and congrats on holding your frame which takes a huge amount of effort, well done dir!
My take on this is very simple: it’s a ok a lie and smokescreen to bait you again.
You happen to be her favorite toy and that’s about it.
Best advice is go NC NC NC! Just avoid her like the pest.
You will see that it’s the hardest thing to do but you will grow from this in unimaginable ways. You will man up and learn how to maintain frame.
Just stay away from her ASAP and for the rest of your days.

[Foursome]

I really do hear everything you guys are saying and I get it.

Thing is I see the absolute despair she is in right now.  I cant explain how I know but I do.

That's what bothers me.  I know without a doubt there is little to nothing I can do for her.

I also know that the despair I see now will make her do the things that hurt us so bad.

She wont be able to help it.  She either has to do them or die.  I must get away far away for the grenade in her head goes off again... .and it will.

[icky]

Yeah, the whole BPD experience is gut-wrenching.

One way to get the drama to decrease a bit is making clear that the only channel you'll communicate on is email.

Phone/ messages are too "quick".

Emails sometimes don't get answered til the next day - and by then the drama mentioned in the email has usually already passed or at least diminished in intensity.

You can try explaining that you're happy to help via email, but that texting etc is too much for you right now and you need some space.

I know that feels like it's not much, but getting out of the drama loop can be a big deal.

[Patusito]

Dear brother, just walk away! I promise you that you will be a better man later on!

[Foursome]

She showed up at my house again.  I let her in.  She ran through the whole arsenal of usual things to try to bait me.

When she got to sex... .I said ok lets do it.  We did it and although I love having sex with her I really didn't feel a connection emotionally anymore.

It was prolly dumb of me to go down that path but dang I am a man and she is a vampire but a darn good looking one.

Creatures like that need to have a warning tag permanently affixed to the ear lobe or something.

[Rinzler]

She showed up at my house again.  I let her in.  She ran through the whole arsenal of usual things to try to bait me.

When she got to sex... .I said ok lets do it.  We did it and although I love having sex with her I really didn't feel a connection emotionally anymore.

It was prolly dumb of me to go down that path but dang I am a man and she is a vampire but a darn good looking one.

Creatures like that need to have a warning tag permanently affixed to the ear lobe or something.

Yea but listen u need to go through your withdrawals for this vampire pos because she's making u cycle thru up and downs and it will slowly get to you.  So find some other outlet for your loins as this pos is basically toxic.

[Foursome]

Yeah I know your right man I do.  She is trying so hard right now to get me back.

I can see through her now though.  Whats crazy is once your educated on BPD to the point I am now its really easy to see their gears turning.

[Rinzler]

Yeah I know your right man I do.  She is trying so hard right now to get me back.

I can see through her now though.  Whats crazy is once your educated on BPD to the point I am now its really easy to see their gears turning.

You may think you know a lot but there's always more to learn. And there are layers of other comorbid bullchit that can be a part of it too.  I've manipulated back successfully too. But sooner or later it bites you back. Also remember if you get the k9 pregnant she will absolutely REVEL IN IT.  If you cave in now your progress will go backwards.  You will then be on a bet your doubled or tripled the stakes and facing a gauranteed loss.  That leads to more volatility.  If you can see through her then see the future that lies beyond her. The bright one. Not this lowlife faint shell of a person usurping your time.

[Skip]

You may think you know a lot but there's always more to learn. And there are layers of other comorbid bullchit that can be a part of it too.  I've manipulated back successfully too. But sooner or later it bites you back. Also remember if you get the k9 pregnant she will absolutely REVEL IN IT.  If you cave in now your progress will go backwards.  You will then be on a bet your doubled or tripled the stakes and facing a gauranteed loss.  That leads to more volatility.  If you can see through her then see the future that lies beyond her. The bright one. Not this lowlife faint shell of a person usurping your time.

hy·per·bo·le  - exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

[Rinzler]

Mine reveled in the possibility of being pregnant mocked it and wanted it... .so she could make it my worst nightmare in her own words. People who cannot and do not hone up to their actions are imo faint shells.

[Foursome]

Give a BPD female a bullet and they will find a gun to shoot it with... .think about that for a minute .

... .and I just made that crap up like on the spot.

[once removed]

She showed up at my house again.  I let her in.  She ran through the whole arsenal of usual things to try to bait me.

When she got to sex... .I said ok lets do it. 

... .

I am a man and she is a vampire

Foursome, if you're trying to detach, our path can get very blurry if we make the other party responsible for our life, our choices, our process.

what path do you want to go down here? detachment? getting back together? friends with benefits kind of thing?

[Foursome]

I definitely want to detach.  I have just failed so far at doing all the things I need to do.

Tomorrow is my first day with a therapist so I am hopeful for some more insight on this but also on myself.

I just have to believe that I have something inside that opened me up and made me vulnerable to my ex wife.

She was glowing red hot with red flags and I still picked it up.

[Cromwell]

I definitely want to detach.  I have just failed so far at doing all the things I need to do.

Tomorrow is my first day with a therapist so I am hopeful for some more insight on this but also on myself.

I just have to believe that I have something inside that opened me up and made me vulnerable to my ex wife.

She was glowing red hot with red flags and I still picked it up.

Im not a stupid guy, but a lot of it is the hooks such as infactuation blended in with being skilled manipulators since childhood. It was the only thing she was actually good at. add in "love blind" and what can you really expect to come out of the mix. dont beat yourself up so much or be convinced that you were fundamentally at fault, even partially.

my other relationships where I was the same person appreciated my good nature and reciprocated.

Cromwell