Prepping for family milestone chaos possibilities

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,

I am trying my best to head off, prepare for, whatever you call it for a family milestone next week.   Our S4 is turning S5. My uBPDh seems to view this milestone as the holy grail of our son not needing me anymore. His very evil, abusive to his xw buddy, has been coaching my H through legal things, drama, money issues, you name it... .Things having to do with divorce, money and custodyfrom a fathers point of view.

So, does anybody know from experience, just how much drama and chaos do I need to prepare for? Any stories you guys would be willing to share? Or am I battening down the emotional hatches for nothing? My gut says, storm is brewing.

Thanks,
Dig

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Dig,

I am so sorry you didn't get a reply on this thread!  How did things go with the birthday?  Was there drama as you'd feared, or did it go OK?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi Dig,

I'd just like to quickly chime in with the friendly reminder that your 5 yr. old needs you! Hello! 

I am little uncertain with your next sentence here... .who is "coaching" your husband and why may I ask?

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Pardon me Dig. Did I misunderstand your comment? I thought you said your husband was insulting your parenting of a child and I meant to offer encouragement/support of course!. If I misunderstood you I apologize!

sincerely, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi guys,
Sorry, my post was a little hard to understand. The birthday, well, it had drama, and I know what to expect in the future. He only wants our son to love him, and not me. My son has told me, “daddy tells me he needs me to be mean to you, mommy”. My husband also hates when I buy our son something, no matter how small it is. I think, he doesn’t want our son to have reason to love me. So the birthday thing that went wrong? My husband broke the toy I bought for our son. It was a remote control helicopter. While I was out on an errand, he crashed it into the ceiling and the floor, over and over. That’s what my son told me. Oh well.

 About the other sentence, I’ll try to explain.  My husband has a buddy, a friend he has known since they were kids. This buddy, is a horrible influence on my husband. This buddy, was very abusive to his ex wife. His ex wife is one of my friends. She has talked me through some of the things he did to her, so that I would know what to expect from my husband. The two guys spend hours on the phone... .her ex husband and my husband. Many of the things she told me that her husband did to her, my husband has been doing to me. Things like, hiding my car keys, or moving them from one place to another, when I’m not looking. His goal, my friend said, it to make me feel like I’m going crazy. She said her ex-husband, my husband’s buddy, did this to her with many things. So far, what she told me to expect, has pretty much happened. It’s horribly creepy. So, I’ve gotten into the habit of thinking ahead, to try to prevent or at least understand what is happening.
I hope that makes more sense. I was trying to think through what to expect for my sons birthday before it happened. I know now. He’s going to make it financially difficult for me to buy my son anything, and if my son likes what I bought him, he’s going to break it, so all my son has left from his birthday is what his daddy bought him. Ugh. Twisted and horrible. But I survived! And my son does need me, and loves me no matter what I can or can’t buy him.

Oh! And one last bit of drama... .my husband taught our son to sing a song from an old Popeye cartoon. It’s actually on YouTube. It’s where popyeye sings “barnacle bill” to olive oil, if anybody is curious. Popeye sings to Olive Oil, calls her a cabbage head, and tells her he doesn’t want to marry her anymore, because she is a “cabbage head”. My husband thinks it’s hilarious to have our 5 year old son sing the words to me, “you’re nothing but a cabbage head, I’m Barnacle Bill  the sailor”. This is the 3rd song my husband has taught our son to sing to me, all with degrading lyrics, as if he’s saying these things to me, but using our son to send the message. It’s creepy. And wrong. His end goal, is to make me upset, so that I’ll act out, so he can say that I’m paranoid, or angry, not him. He wants to play the victim role. So, I’ve got to be sure not to react.

Thanks guys.
Dig

[Radcliff]

Dig,

I am so sorry to hear about the helicopter   It sounds like a toy I would have loved when I was five!  That is a horrible thing for you and your son to have to experience.

Do you have a journal where you are noting incidents like this?  A journal entry with a photo of the helicopter, any marks on the ceiling, and any quotes you remember from your son about Dad crashing the helicopter would be good.  It may seem like that's not that convincing, but the burden of proof in family court is a "preponderance of the evidence," not "beyond a reasonable doubt."  From experience, I can say that a year of journal entries with dates and some photos would be tremendously powerful.  This may be old news to you.  It will show patterns of behavior, and will have so much detail nobody is going to think you made it up.  The coming year will likely be eventful, and the journal long.

What are your days like with your son when your husband is away working?  What kinds of things do you do with him?  Those memories can't be broken!

One of the things my therapist taught me was the power of observing things out loud in order to reinforce behavior.  We had talked about my wife's behaviors, and she said that whenever my daughter was doing the opposite, such as caring for the dog and being gentle with it, I could say things like, "I see you're petting the dog very gently.  He must like that.  I can see that he trusts you and wants to be near you."  Whereas you can only say a certain number of compliments per day before they become too plentiful to mean anything, you can make almost an unlimited number of observations.  Even totally neutral ones "I see you're wearing the blue shirt today" make him feel your engagement.  But I absolutely love the observations of caring, nurturing, respectful behavior.

What kinds of things are you doing with your son to influence him in a positive way or counteract the harmful influences?  Any tips to share with those who may be in similar situations?

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Thank you, WW, for the advice. I’m horrible about the journal, but fairly good about wearing and unloading/saving recordings. The trouble is, I’m too overwhelmed to go through it. If there’s something significant, I’ll write a note on my phone and email it to myself. I suppose it would take some work, but I would print the emails to self and make a binder.

Thank you for the parenting observations dialogue. I like it, it works!
I’m here, just tired and overwhelmed, trying to parent my S5 and work on graduate school, housework, etc. Its hard to do everything, solo parenting when he’s gone, in chaos when he’s here.

Dig.

[Radcliff]

Hey, Dig, good to hear from you.  Sorry to hear things are wearing on you.  You'll get through it!  Remind us, how long until you finish your degree?  It is tough to study when you are tired!  It takes an iron will to get through a degree program with a small child and difficult relationship.

Do you have any friends you can call to lift your spirits?

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi WW,

It’ll be spring of 2020 before I graduate. This time next year, hopefully I’ll be headed to stay in another state with my parents for my internship. By that time, maybe we will have made it to our 10th wedding anniversary. I did a few estimates of the time left together, it’s relieving yet terrifying. I’m not entirely sure that when I have the opportunity to get out of this that I have the nerve to do it. But there’s only one chance, one golden parachute, so I will have to I guess.

I have a small support group, of dv survivors, they’re my lifeline here. We keep a message group going for daily updates and such.

Dig

[Radcliff]

Oh, by the way, about the parenting observations dialogue, I got that out of a book my therapist recommended when I was talking to her about reestablishing my ability to parent my kids after dealing with a spouse who disrupted my parenting.  The book is, "Transforming the Difficult Child -- The Nurtured Heart Approach," by Glasser.

It’ll be spring of 2020 before I graduate. This time next year, hopefully I’ll be headed to stay in another state with my parents for my internship.

So it sounds like about one more year of classes and then a year internship?  Finishing those classes is a major milestone!  Good luck!

You are training to become a therapist, correct?  Have you heard of the fact that a startlingly small number of therapists are tuned to work appropriately with DV issues?  My therapist was explaining that most therapists are still heavily influenced by Freudian philosophies, and that Freud was actually a predator, which influenced his thinking and that thought is laced throughout clinical psychology.  Kind of creepy.  They don't get that you have to not blame the victim at all, and then, once things are safe, carefully work with the survivor to help them understand their part in the dynamic so it doesn't repeat (still leaving all of the accountability with the abuser).  She said that a newer school of thought, the Adlerian school (named after a student of Freud's, Adler, who was not a predator) seems to work better.  With your experience, you would be in a great competitive position to help a lot of people.

I did a few estimates of the time left together, it’s relieving yet terrifying. I’m not entirely sure that when I have the opportunity to get out of this that I have the nerve to do it. But there’s only one chance, one golden parachute, so I will have to I guess.

Plan, prepare, rehearse.

I have a small support group, of dv survivors, they’re my lifeline here. We keep a message group going for daily updates and such.

These are local women?  Are you able to meet them in person ever?  That's great that you have support!

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,

WW, I do get to visit with the ladies in the women’s group, once and sometimes twice a week. They are mostly out of their situation, and I am one of 2 who are still in it. It’s a lifeline.

You are right, I’ve been told that my experience will give me a reputation for being an in demand counselor.

The chaos around here is escalating, in a major way. I know what is triggering some of it, and it can’t really be helped. Mother’s day, our upcoming 6 week summer visit to my parents, 2 foster puppies... .and once more, chaos erupts.

My sons beloved cat went missing... .with my husband home and me gone to town. It’s been since May 6. No cat. This will be the 4th time something has happened to one of our cats when circumstances are semi-beyond my husband’s control. (The foster puppies, the upcoming trip)

It seems like he is trying on purpose to be scary, because he wants me to make the first move, and before the 10 year anniversary. If I file first, he gets a clean start with the churches and new wife prospects. If it happens before the 10 year mark, he only has to pay 3 years of rehabilitative alimony, instead of lifetime. So, scary he is getting. To the point it looks like he did away with the cat. I’m just sick over it. But trying to keep a clear head, and make wise decisions.

Hurting the animals... .it’s something that cannot be proven, yet among dv abusers, is listed as common. Any thoughts?

Dig

[pearlsw]

Hi Dig,

It's been awhile! Oh dear goodness! What do you think happened to the cat? Any chance it just escaped and moved elsewhere? That is a lot of "lost" cats!

warmly, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Pearl,

I think my husband put the cat in his huge work duffel bag, on Sunday night, May 6. He moved unusually fast from his bedroom and out the front door with it. He usually moves pretty slow, and allows our son to stop him at the entryway.

I think there’s a place in the railroad yard, where the stray cats live. I think our cat is fairly easily recoverable from there. I think this, because each time our other cat went missing, it came home when my husband was there alone.

There are other tell tale signs. It happens when there is something about me or our son that he does not like and is out of his control. The first time, was the day our son and I were leaving to stay at my parents for 8 weeks. (Without my husband). The second controlling thing he did during this trip, is that he had his will changed, without my knowledge and without asking me. He arranged it so I am no longer his executor of  estate. It’s his dad, then his mom, then his brother. I am still the beneficiary though. This was around May, 2016.

The second time, the cat was nearly killed, in the house, possibly with rat poison, the vet said. I was once again, at my parents with our son for an extended stay, without my husband. My husband called me one morning, from work, to say the cat had been sick during his 2 off days, and that he was on a train, wouldn’t be home for several days, and the cat could die before he got back; he didn’t take him to the vet on his off days. So, over the phone, from several states away, I had a friend and a locksmith break into my house, and get the cat to the vet. I saved his life. Once more attempt to control, that occurred along with the cat/vet incident, is that my husband had his paycheck rerouted woman account I don’t have access to. This was Fall, between October and November this past year, 2017.

Recently, I brought 2 foster puppies home, on the back porch. He has no responsibilities with them. We are also gearing up to head to my parents in a few weeks. So, the cat I saved before, goes missing when my husband was there alone, and mysteriously returned when my husband came in off of a train, in the middle of the night.

The next time my husband left for work, he had been alone at the house without me, all afternoon. The last I saw of the younger cat was that morning. He hurried to his truck that night with his bags. He is angry about my asking him to help look for the cat. It’s terrible. This was my son’s kitten, that he rescued from the shelter last fall. He loves him, and it made my S5 sad, depressed, and eventually sick with mono and an ear infection. He’s still on antibiotics.

So? The saga of the cats. It seems to coincide with my trips to my parents, with our son. I go twice a year, and stay 6-8 weeks at a time. It’s 16 hours away, so we stay a while, it’s expensive to drive that far! The cat troubles seem so go along with something to do with money or ultimate control, taking some element of access away from me. 

Thoughts? Are we in more danger than I realize?

Dig  

[pearlsw]

Hi Dig,

I can't say for sure, but I would not bring any more pets home. If this is part of his pattern, and he seems to get away with it by his sneaking/covering things up, then there is nothing to stop him from doing it again and again. Sounds like control to me, but in a really messed up passive aggressive way that gives him plausible deniability. My goodness.

Part of me wants to say, yes, of course you are in danger, especially if poisoning is involved, but maybe this will be remain confined to the pets. I don't want to needlessly worry you. I'm just a peer here. I grew up with a lot of pets and farm animals and when I try to imagine this... .it is the work of a very unwell mind. Very unwell.

Do you think he is jealous of the pets? The attention and love they are getting? Is that the message here? "Pay attention to me!"

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Dig,

You are well read on these things, and I think you understand the significance of the cat incidents.  I think your concern is warranted.

You asked if you are in more danger than you realize.  That's a tough question to answer.  I know that folks in DV situations are forced to constantly assess their level of danger, and develop an ability to anticipate danger and manage risk that works pretty well.  The problem is that it works until it doesn't.  And when it doesn't work, it can be sudden and tragic.

Is your safety plan well developed?  Can the local ladies make you and S5 disappear quickly if necessary?

You are in a really tough spot waiting for that 10 year mark -- it may push you to take more risks.  But the additional resources would help provide for your basic needs, including housing, and probably help make you more mobile to pick a place where you would be safe.  Be careful.

Do you have any precious things that you don't necessarily need for the next year, but that you'd like to store safely at your parent's house?  Anything you'd want from your house if you couldn't go back?  Taking an extra suitcase to your parent's house and leaving it there may give you a little extra sense of peace and control.

In the past year, there have been fluctuations in his behavior that you can trace to when things are happening out of his control.  If you average those things out, would you say things have stayed the same or gotten worse over the last year?

It sounds like you have two milestones -- a 10 year length for the marriage, and a milestone for rights to his retirement benefits.  Or are those the same thing?  Do you know for the milestone(s) whether the key date is the date of filing of a divorce, or the date it is final? 

Do you have knobs you can turn to make him happier and feel less out of control?

Enjoy your time with your parents!

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi guys,

The 10 year anniversary is required in my state to be eligible fo retirement benefits.

I am pondering which things I could do, to make him feel more in control... .not sure I would like any of this. I’m sure he would want me to stop working on my masters degree and have complete control over all finances, so that I’d have to ask him for money. Maybe not, but that’s what he complains about.

Also, I have been wearing my normal clothes and fixing my hair, since s5’s birthday. That seems to set him off. Plain black yoga pants, a white t shirt and my hair only combed and left wet from the shower. That’s the uniform that he seems to stay most calm with. Calm is relative.

I can disappear in a hurry, with S5, at the shelter, so long as my husband isn’t holding onto S5. It’s gotta be done while he’s in the shower, or otherwise unable to intervene. Hoping that’s not necessary today.

Today he seems to be after th a big emotional cry-where he’s mean, threatening to take all access to “his” money and file for divorce. He seems to be after that. That’s not too hard to give, it’s harder to stay strong and not cry. I don’t think the big emotional cry will keep him pacified forever. At some point, he’ll follow through.

Every person I know who has been through this says, file first. But every attorney I’ve heard says it doesn’t matter.

Any thoughts? I’m considering filing here this week before heading to My parents. I think that’s what he wants. I don’t want him to do yet while I’m gone, 16 hours away. Just not sure how to proceed.

Dig

[Radcliff]

I'll reply here, but also would encourage you to start a thread on the Legal board today.  There are some good, experienced hands there.  It would be helpful to get you a variety of experienced perspectives on this.  When you post, give them a link to this thread for background.

WW

[Radcliff]

Whoa, that's a big difference between filing next year and this week.  What is going on that is making you feel like moving up the schedule?

As for things you can do to keep him more relaxed, you can probably predict my answers.  Muted clothing is an easy yes, since you're making a conscious decision to do it, and it's temporary and easily reversible.  Any other things that look like that could be good, too.  Things that give him a feeling of control yet you're deciding consciously to do and are temporary and don't undermine your strength.  So, obviously, interrupting your education or giving up complete control of the finances would be a bad idea.  You know those are two critical issues with respect to what the outcome of this is.  Especially education.  That's a huge target, and frankly I'm surprised he hasn't gone after it already.  After physical safety, I believe education is your next priority.  It has a bearing both on your ability to be independent, as well as your ability to "freely pursue life projects" in the words of Erik Stark.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi WW,

I posted on the legal thread just now. And you’re right about the education. My husband just walked out of the room saying he was going to see an attorney to file for separation, and that I wasn’t going to finish my degree. He has tomorrow off. He will probably do that tomorrow.

Ugh.

[Lady Itone]

If you think your husband hurts or puts animals in danger, why do you have pets? Can you find the cats safe homes where they won't be carried off in a duffle bag or fed rat poison? Why bring home foster puppies into this unsafe environment, what if he goes after them next?

Frankly, yes, I do think you might be in danger. If a man can hurt a beloved family pet, who knows what he's capable of. Stay safe, and best of luck!