I'm a foreigner working in US and afraid my ex is trying to find me.

[NonBP-Man]

Hello everyone,
I so glad to have found this and I am in a very delicate situation at the moment that I need your advice with.

I have been in a relationship with a 32 year old girl that has BPD for the past two years. We are both Swedish and we came to the US to study and eventually work here. We met through school and fell deeply in love with each other. The relationship was amazing until things started spinning out of control. In order to bring able to finish my studies I had to let her take control of my social life, who I spoke to on the phone etc. She started her DBT treatment last fall but nothing was enough to turn this relationship into something healthy. I almost lost everything that's ever been dear to me because of it.

I couldn't make myself break with her in America because she would very likely not survive because she did not have ANY security net at all. So I managed to finish my studies and take her back to Sweden where i broke up with her about a month ago. The breakup took maybe 30 hours of complete agony where she ended up in emergency care.
She has everything she needs there, free healthcare, friends and family who love her and a safe environment in every form.

However, recently learned that I'm going back to the US to find a job. I have an apt there that she also has stayed in with me and I learned that she intends to go back and live there. The day after I go back. I havn't had any contact with her at all after the breakup but her and she has her parents convinced that she does not intend to find or speak to me which I don't buy for a second (she is still trying to text me all the time) and that she can only get treatment in America which in also not true. She is going there to find me and would she succeed we would be in the exact position I almost sacrifice everything to avoid. It would be insanely dangerous for her because she is in such a fragile state right now.

I have no idea what to do, because her parents doesn't seem to understand the gravity and danger of her going back. They could prevent her from going but it seems like she is running that family and has been her whole life. I contacted the psych ward she was in to see if they could do anything, I contacted her best friend telling her the situation, all without her knowledge but it doesn't seem to be enough.

I'm desperate because it would be so incredibly dangerous for us to meet and I have no idea what to do to prevent it.

Please, does anyone have an idea of what could be done to prevent her from being able to go?

Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

Quite a dilemma.  It must feel so daunting to try managing things to avoid a disaster.

One perspective to start with is that you may not be able to stop your ex from doing what she wants to do, or doesn't want to do.  Can you accept that?

However, that doesn't leave you powerless.  You can make the choices in your life.  Admittedly, those choices may be influenced (limited initially) by your need to protect yourself, but you do have choices.

For example, you're very concerned she may show up at the apartment door.  Is she on the lease?  If not, you can have the locks changed.  I think you worry she would create a scene or even hurt herself if you called authorities?

Another idea... .How locked in are you to this apartment?  If you find another (that has no history for her) or even another town then that may be enough to help break the link she feels for you?  She may still track you down to the new place but the move ought to help some?

As I wrote, there's only so much you can do.  She is an adult and you can't control her or live her life for her.  Just as she has no right to control you.  So do what you can, as wisely as you can and move on with your life.  Of course it's not that simple but it can be done.

[Mutt]

Hi NonBP-Man,

 

I’d like to join Foreverdad and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you had to go through that difficult ordeal in Sweden and to find out that she wants to come back!

You say that she has control over her family? I’d suggest to stick with your original plan you wanted the breakup with her for a reason if you invite her then that telegraphs that she can do whatever she wants. I agree with everything Foreverdad you also have an edge with this group, a collective wisdom that is very familiar with pwBPD.

What are your thoughts with what Foreverdad said?