fiancé diagnosed with BPD after breakup, now pregnant

[Steinhorn]

Since I am finding it difficult talk about my current situation with people in person, especially people my age (22), I thought I'd post it here to get it off my chest.

My gf and I have been together for 4 years. It was always a tad crazy from the start. She was very anorexic when we met but she seemed to get over that and we started working out a lot and refocussed her obsessive energy on exercise and fitness instead of starvation. She also struggled with a lot of anxiety and would frequently go into psychotic episodes during exam period or other stressful times. My previous gf had had bipolar so none of this phased me too much. Increasingly however she became a control freak and would not let me socialize with others, go out and such... .I have a rather thick skin and not a lot of emotions but it all started getting to me after a year or two. We moved in together and things were turbulent and hard but seemingly alright for some time.

Fast forward to last summer. After a couple especially good months I proposed and we got engaged. As part of her degree she had to absolve a placement year in a different city. This is where things really went wrong. She became distant, cold and severely depressed. I travelled to see her as much as I could but our relationship got worse and worse. Then in November, I investigated a little and found out that she had been inappropriately texting several men. I confronted her and told her she had one chance to come clean about everything so we could move on. After some hysteria she confessed to being in contact with several people in an inappropriate manner and that there had been some minor missteps here an there over the past three years.

I believe her and we tried to fix our relationship. Two months later, on Christmas day I discovered she had lied to me and she had cheated on me multiple times, and had remained in contact with the people in question even after the confrontation in November. I kicked her out and told her we were done.

One week later she was diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff after being admitted to the hospital due to a psychotic episode. She began writing me long letters everyday, begging me to talk to her and for another chance. Eventually when therapy seemed to start helping, I gave her her chance and she seems to have genuinely transformed herself. That was two months ago. She came to visit me twice and it was a positive experience. Then, 6 weeks ago she told me she was pregnant, and since, she has spiraled back into her illnesses. She is getting worse day by day and cannot take any medication while pregnant.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

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[gotbushels]

Hi Steinhorn   

Welcome to the boards.

Since I am finding it difficult talk about my current situation with people in person, especially people my age (22) ... .

You can find support here. Me too, I sometimes found it difficult to talk to others too. Either they didn't understand (no pwBPD experience) or the advice they gave didn't seem to work. There are thousands of SOs who've been through these boards and a lot of the stories are common across members. So I think you've come to the right place.

My gf and I have been together for 4 years. ... .but seemingly alright for some time.

Yes, these relationships can be really difficult. It can be really difficult when you have a partner and someone you care about struggling with mental issues and weight issues.

I believe her ... .
we tried to fix ... .
I discovered she had lied ... .
cheated on me multiple times ... .
had remained in contact ... .
I kicked her out and told her we were done.

I've been through a situation like this too. I felt frustrated, drained, and slightly confused.

and since, she has spiraled back into her illnesses.

That can feel disheartening--to feel like your SO's progress has unwound. I encourage you to see that it's often thought that getting the diagnosis is one of the hardest steps. Some people after many years haven't managed to get the pwBPD in a position where they want to work at their issues. 

She is getting worse day by day and cannot take any medication while pregnant.

That must be hard on each of you. If the medication alleviates symptoms then the medication plan would be disrupted. So if the symptoms get more difficult to manage each day then that's to be expected.

We're here to help, so based on what you've said, I encourage you to take 5 minutes to read (and watch the video) at Skip's post on Acceptance while you're looking through the board's lessons.

I hope things develop better for you and look forward to your continued sharing. 

[isilme]

No apologies needed for writing long posts    (I hope not, or I'm in lots of trouble! )

This is a place to share, to get things out, and unless there is a software imposed limit on the space, I don't think anyone else has ever said much of anything about it, so please, write way.

I guess a big question to ask right now is:  are you together at this time/still engaged?  because, not to sound callous, but if you are not together, and she is possibly pregnant by someone else, I don't see this as really anything you need to overly concern yourself with (other than the fact you obviously still care for her).  I just think that elephant in the room needs to be pointed out and addressed before anyone can chime in to see how best to offer any advice.

What medication was she on, before the pregnancy?  BPD is an emotional disorder/behavioral one, not usually treated with medication, but other issues, like depression and bipolar disorder existing WITH BPD can be.  

Is she in the care of a therapist/OBGYN/MD at this time?  Have you been able to speak to them?  :)o you have a therapist of your own to help you make your way through this situation?

Are you living in the same town, now?  Or still apart? Is she still "kicked out"?  

She is basically doing the push/pull.  She got mad at you for "abandoning her" when SHE moved away (No, I know you did not abandon her, but she likely had an unrealistic expectation you'd move with her that she never communicated).  So, she sought out emotional supply from other men both to fulfill her needs for attention and to punish you for not being there.  Cheating is not uncommon with BPD.  Meeting new people they can show only what they want to is intoxicating.  Once the new people see the "real" them, they are often abandoned and need to move on to a brand new person, or seek out a comfortable old one.  Shame from cheating will make her treat you differently, as she blames you for her feeling shame.  Toss in an apparent history of body dysphoria that resulted in an eating disorder or obsessive exercise, and you have a lot going on.  And to top it off, she is not dealing with pregnancy hormones.  

You've got a lot on your plate at the moment.  

What would you like to see as a goal with this relationship?  

[Steinhorn]

Thanks for the responsed

Are we together now: we are trying
Baby: 95% chance mine
Previous medication: SSRIs for anxiety, which she had to quit from one day to the next.
Seeing therapist: yes, she is but therapist is not considering clueing me in. I don't
Living: apart but almost through with degree so could move within two months
Goal: she getting better, baby has stable and viable environment

Hope this clarifies.

[gotbushels]

Goal: she getting better, baby has stable and viable environment

She is getting worse day by day and cannot take any medication while pregnant.

Describe?