Anxiety when making any kind of decision or disagreeing with partner

[moonrise]

Hey everyone,

I’ve always been quite an anxious person but recently I’ve made the connection between my relationship with my uBPDh and my total inability to make the simplest of decisions and extreme anxiety caused by this. His unpredictable or disproportionate reactions to things I have said or done in the past means that I am constantly scared of doing the wrong thing - and now even deciding what to watch on television can completely paralyse me. This is even worse when I make a decision that’s directly in conflict with what he wants - for example tonight I have made plans with a friend but he wants me to help him clear some things out of our old flat (which I can do another day). Suggesting an alternative plan that I know he isn’t going to be happy with is making me feel physically ill and incredibly anxious. Just want to know if anyone else experiences this, with simple and/or more complicated decisions - and how do you deal with it?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pav_bhaji_bun]

Oh wow, you've read my mind! I feel this way often. For me, I tell myself "This isn't personal if they lash out at me" and I make sure that I draw a boundary that keeps me happy. I have had issues with boundaries and taking things personally (I think a lot of people here have too) and so those are my areas to 'safeguard' before I go in and have that discussion.

[Teno]

I know the feeling!

This is even worse when I make a decision that’s directly in conflict with what he wants - for example tonight I have made plans with a friend but he wants me to help him clear some things out of our old flat (which I can do another day)

My T mentioned to me the relationship bank account: I just found this link. www.twoology.com/8-easy-emotional-deposits-into-your-relationship-bank-account

I'm going to do my best to put this in a clear way, as it is a work in progress.

My T suggested next time if you have a want and your spouse takes it way, state to them the withdrawal they've made. Is cleaning that important to you, but it is a withdrawal from me. Took a lot of calm not turning it into a argument or making it sound like record keeping.

Now I'm asking myself: why am I allowing my wants to be put second?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi moonrise,

I"m sorry that you are having such great anxiety. I know all too well what that's like. Sometimes just the thought of bringing up something used to be enough to cause an upset stomach and general feelings of uneasiness.

When these situations come up for you, how do you usually approach telling your pwBPD?

[moonrise]

Hi! Thanks for the responses, nice to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this. In terms of how I bring it up, I usually just calmly mention it like “oh I was kind of thinking about doing this instead?” and see where it goes from there. Sometimes it’s fine but I still feel that anxiety, and after talking to my T I’ve figured out that part of the reason I feel like I’ve lost myself is that I feel like I can’t make even the simplest of decisions without his “approval”, so trying to find a way to deal with that.

[MotherWeasley]

Hi! Thanks for the responses, nice to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this. In terms of how I bring it up, I usually just calmly mention it like “oh I was kind of thinking about doing this instead?” and see where it goes from there. Sometimes it’s fine but I still feel that anxiety, and after talking to my T I’ve figured out that part of the reason I feel like I’ve lost myself is that I feel like I can’t make even the simplest of decisions without his “approval”, so trying to find a way to deal with that.

Thanks for posting this- you expressed a familiar feeling really well. A T friend of mine recommended rehearsing a mantra in your head (something like, "I am safe, I am loved" or something similarly easy) to help fight through the anxious feelings when you encounter conflict. It's a bit like holding onto a strong support when the wind is blowing. In my own relationship, I have gotten better at this with time, but the anxious feelings still creep up. Good luck to you!

[LovingDad]

Hi,

For me it is also a feeling I know all to well. My T says I have given my authority of my feelings to my wife.

I have to try to be clear about what I want in a neutral why. When my wife doesn't feels threatened by my decision she will accept it. If she feels threatened about it when I say it in a neutral why, she has to find a way to deal with it. I know that I'm am reasonable, she has to learn to accept reason. It is difficult to do. I'm only doing it for a couple of weeks now, but it makes sense. I feel I'm getting my self back a little bit.

I'm setting a boundary which eventually will help her to, because other people will not accept her behaviour the way I did in the past.

I know I have to do this, because about a month ago I already had lost myself completely.

I hope it will help you too.

Greetings,

LovingDad