Son's girlfriend and mother to his son limiting visitation

[Bman61]

My son and his BPD girlfriend had a baby together unplanned.never really got to know her while they dated .They decide to buy a house with help from family.Pretty soon my wife and I realized something is not right with this girlfriend.Never wanted to engage in conversation.We never felt welcomed when we would visit them and our newborn grandson.When we would ask her to visit us with the baby she always had an excuse not to come by.My son told me she was difficult but he could deal with it.She started throwing him out of the house regularly Forno good reason.Accusing him of using drugs or cheating on her.She wanted complete control of him,where he went,why.Paranoid over everything.Family get togethers she would hover over the baby,not talk to anyone and then accuse us of ignoring her.We had arguments with her about her behavior and she was impossible to talk to.Accused us of underwing their relationship when it was totally the opposite.She would go from 0-60 in two seconds.Everything was a trigger for her.She does no wrong and we were terrible people.My wife and I are good people and we couldn’t understand her anxiety toward us.We eventually had to stop talking to her because she made no sense and we realized she has a disorder.My son had to move out of their house because he couldn’t take her manic behavior any more.She would never let my son take him out to visit us because she said we disrespected her.So finally after a few court cancellations my son has temporary visitation orders so he can take him out on his own.His first day of parenting time he brought my grandson to visit us .After he returned him to his ex girlfriend she called him and said she was getting restraining order cause the child had red marks on him.Girl is crazy.Sons lawyer saw the text and contacted her lawyer to say knock it offwiththesefalse accusations Her mother protects her and told my son to just shut his phone off she had a bad day!.Anyway everything I read on these forums fits to a tee.Her texts are manic ,go on forever,I hate you ,come back,don’t ever contact me again.So my son will say ok goodnight then she goes crazy .Oh now you ignore me you pos.i hope your son grows to hate you as much as I do.truly out of her mind.We have another custody court date in June so maybe my son will be able to get more parenting time.Right now he only gets a few hours a week but he said she would bout up a fight if he asked for more time.His lawyer said take it for now otherwise it would get dragged out more.Oh well we are trying to make the best of it but it’s heartbreaking when you deal with someone like this.Thanks for all the info on BPD.It has helped me cope.

[Speck]

Welcome, Bman61!

 

I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with people who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Oh well we are trying to make the best of it but it’s heartbreaking when you deal with someone like this. Thanks for all the info on BPD. It has helped me cope.

I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your son's situation. In my opinion, that's true love - you love your son and grandson and want to know more about what your son has been dealing with. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with your grandson's mother with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

It is possible that your son would also benefit by visiting the forum here, so that he, too, can receive support.

Keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

Temp orders often become permanent orders. It would be good if you could get your son to join here as Speck suggested.  We can advise you on communication tools which can help reduce conflict, but your son needs advice from those who have gone through this. We moved this to the Legal board.  

[ForeverDad]

Your son needs to understand that appeasing her and complying to her inconsistent demands won't make her more agreeable long term.  Good boundaries (for him, she will fight boundaries) are what work but of course they will trigger her a lot before she gets used to them.  Since she sees hm as having no authority whatsoever compared to her the dictator, having a good court order sets the court as The Real Authority.  She won't like it, she will fight it, but in time the court will (hopefully) discern which parent is cooperative and making practical solutions and which is not.

I suspect a Custody Evaluation will be required to get a professional to make an in-depth assessment of each parent and provide a report to the court.  But be forewarned that not just any CE will do.  Finding an experienced professional is crucial, one that the court respects for past solid evaluations.  The CE can make or break (set back) a case.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bman61,

Your son and grandson are lucky to have you in their lives! BPD is not an easy disorder to understand -- as you say, there are a lot of things that make no sense.

Are you concerned that the lawyer is too passive?

Hopefully your son is saving all of the texts and emails, and documenting her behaviors. I know it's a long road to hoe, but hopefully you can pace yourselves and learn as much as you can to help minimize the impact of BPD on your grandchild (and son).

There is a really helpful book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Even tho your son isn't divorcing her, much of the book focuses on how to deal with people who have BPD when things get dragged into the family court system, especially when it comes to custody. Bill Eddy was a social worker before he became a family law attorney and he understands how baffling (and potentially harmful) BPD behaviors can be, not to mention how the legal system can create more adversarial outcomes than necessary.

It's good that your son's L told the other L to knock off the false allegations. Unfortunately, it's a sign that more of the same may be on the way. It might be a good idea to discuss having a custody evaluation that includes a psychiatric evaluation (like the MMPI-2) to see if her mental health issues can be identified. This is not usually a cheap way to go, but in my experience the more proactive and assertive you are in the beginning, the better chance you stand getting a good outcome in court.

Glad you shared what's going on. These are difficult situations and it's good to know we are not alone.

We're here to walk with you, and your son, and offer collective wisdom.

LnL

[Speck]

Hello again, Bman61:

How are things with your son? How are you doing?

We're always here if you need to talk.


-Speck