Are you mad at me?

[felicia13]

My 16yo DD says this to me several times a day. I reply,"No, I'm not mad at you. I will let you know if I am." I must have the worst resting bitch face ever. I feel like I have to constantly be cheery or she thinks I am mad at her specifically. This is not in my nature or temperament. Does anybody else have this problem? How do you deal with it? Thanks for your help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Felicia

My son27 has super powers, well he feels he does! Actually, he does have a natural ability to measure or gauge feelings but he gets it wrong. Like the time he ended up trying to convince a waitress that she was sad and hated her job - she eventually told him to back off and she loved her job. He got confused with his own feelings and of course her busyness.

Does your daughter text or ask you straight out?

I think it’s great that she’s asking you and I’m impressed she cares what you think. Having a cheery smiley face all the time is a challenge and I tried for a long time. It made me lighter in fact and a smile is the simplest communication tool there is. Sometimes when I didn’t know how to answer to validate or reply to something he’d say, I’d just give him a hug.

I remember posting similar to yours. One reply I remember didn’t quite work for me but it may for you. That’s to follow with a question to encourage them to problem solve “do you think there’s anything I could be annoyed/irritated  with you about?”  I believe that this was for him to reason out “I’ve done nothing wrong so therefore she can’t be irritated”.  He wasnt able to process that far at that time.  Also, he doubted himself constantly - he’d got so used to me judging him rather than me trying to understand him.

We got into a routine for many months when he’d ask “are you ok with me?”.  I’d say “absolutely, there’s nothing wrong”, he may even come “are you sure because I felt... .”,  “I promise you, there’s nothing wrong.”  It was a repeated pattern and I had to be patient.

I got good at doing re-dos.  We’d have an interaction and I’d reflect and could see how I could have improved. So if my son came and asked me if I had a problem with him and I tried, but say I was distracted or in the middle of something or caught off guard, he’d leave but I knew I didn’t give him my full attention. I’d follow up with a text. “Sorry about that, my heads full of xxxxx At the mo, I just wanted you to know that everything’s ok. I love you. Are you ok?.”

LP

[please]

hi felicia13,
My D asks that all the time if I look at all upset,or concerned. She always thinks I am mad. She does say I have a bitch face. I never knew that was a thing. Anyway, for my D, I wonder if it is HER anxiety ie projection of her own self-hate when she asks me.
Yes sometimes I am upset and tell her it has nothing to do with her and I am not mad.  Or if it is true, I will say that I am upset by her behaviour but do not hate her etc... .It does not always help her. But what more can I do or say?
I hate feeling that I have to make her feel better all the time and I could never be mad at her. The truth is, for all of us, that we can be mad at each other and it does not mean we don't care or like or love them. That is their issue that needs to be worked on.

Hope that helps.

[Lollypop]

Hi Felicia

It is a fact that we cannot change others.  All we can do is change ourselves and how WE REACT.

I encourage you and Please to read more about BPD and communication skills like SET and learn how to validate as naturally as you can. This takes time and my son needs double validation.

Things really improved with us when I focussed on our core relationship - all the time. Yes, it takes consistency and persistency and I know it’s a challenge. He started to react to my lightness, I was good to be around and slowly he started to TRUST me.

I’m going clear here and I don’t want to come over too strong but there seems to be a little confusion.

My son27 trusts me to not react to his behaviour.
He knows I do not judge him or criticise him.
Until he fully trusted me, he could not cope with even a raised eyebrow!

We all make mistakes and that’s how we learn. Mistakes are good. Consequences are good.

There are ways to interact simply, lovingly and gently truthfully. Use of words is really important.

For instance, “I’m proud of you”.  That can imply some expectation of behaviour on their part to please you. What they do, they should do for themselves. This builds confidence in their abilities. Usng “I really admire the way you handled that” works much better for me.

What do you think a person with BPD would feel if they were told  “I do not hate you”?  My son would react very negatively. You see, he has racing thoughts and isn’t always able to hear - especially when he’s highly emotional. So when he thinks he’s done something wrong and I’m displeased in some way, that’s when I need to be especially careful with my words.

I know how you feel. I’ve been there. I changed myself because my relationship had broken down with my son - that’s a terrible feeling and I learnt my lesson.

Hugs to you both.

LP