How understanding cognitive dissonance is helping me understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just read a great article on cognitive dissonance.  I never really understood this concept.  It is when you have two thoughts that are in direct conflict with one another, a simple example is thinking "should I wear the red shirt or the yellow shirt today"... .when the mind has two conflicting feelings on something it seeks to alleviate the discomfort it causes.  Those of us that have family members with BPD/NPD, husbands, wives, friend have all been through this.  So after reading an amazing article on this I realized that my sister, although she claims to know everything about everything, knows nothing of what this is cognitive dissonance.  My older BPD sister and I are very different.  My sister cut me off in December because I had been involved with guy with NPD... .To simplify things my sister felt I should walk away from him... after all, she would have and left ANY bad relationship she was ever in... .(yes I am exaggerating but she claims to have always made the tough decisions easily and so should I).  This guy did not treat me well but please note he never laid a hand on me.  Emotionally abusive in the way only narcissist can be.  Sis always wanted to know what was p with him and I shared.  If I did leave and do as she felt I should then she would not talk to me (a blessing in disguise).  So she asked me in December, why I could not cut him off as I had cut her off in days past.  I was out shopping and had no answer at that moment.  She wouldn't let it go and I told her it was different, I needed to think etc.  Well that was it . She was done with me.  First of all, I was not back with guy but in touch.  Second, I really could not walk away back then... .So finding out about cognitive dissonance has helped me understand why it was so hard to go NC with him!  My sister judged me because I was in an abusive relationship and couldn't leave... .shame on her.  She claims to be so evolved and know all about these things but she really has no clue what it is like.  (There is so much more).  So I did finally go NC with NPD guy and am with ana amazing guy (sis has no clue Thank God... .).  I also feel cognitive dissonance kept me trying to work it out with disordered sister when it is an impossible situation to be in any kind of relationship with BPD/NPD folks.   Anyways, reading the article was an enlightening moment and I am so glad I understand this concept.  It helped me reconcile in my mind, why it was so hard to walk away from both!

[Pina colada]

I just read a great article on cognitive dissonance.  I never really understood this concept.  It is when you have two thoughts that are in direct conflict with one another, a simple example is thinking "should I wear the red shirt or the yellow shirt today"... .when the mind has two conflicting feelings on something it seeks to alleviate the discomfort it causes.  Those of us that have family members with BPD/NPD, husbands, wives, friend have all been through this.  So after reading an amazing article on this I realized that my sister, although she claims to know everything about everything, knows nothing of what this is cognitive dissonance.  My older BPD sister and I are very different.  My sister cut me off in December because I had been involved with guy with NPD... .To simplify things my sister felt I should walk away from him... after all, she would have and left ANY bad relationship she was ever in... .(yes I am exaggerating but she claims to have always made the tough decisions easily and so should I).  This guy did not treat me well but please note he never laid a hand on me.  Emotionally abusive in the way only narcissist can be.  Sis always wanted to know what was p with him and I shared.  If I did leave and do as she felt I should then she would not talk to me (a blessing in disguise).  So she asked me in December, why I could not cut him off as I had cut her off in days past.  I was out shopping and had no answer at that moment.  She wouldn't let it go and I told her it was different, I needed to think etc.  Well that was it . She was done with me.  First of all, I was not back with guy but in touch.  Second, I really could not walk away back then... .So finding out about cognitive dissonance has helped me understand why it was so hard to go NC with him!  My sister judged me because I was in an abusive relationship and couldn't leave... .shame on her.  She claims to be so evolved and know all about these things but she really has no clue what it is like.  (There is so much more).  So I did finally go NC with NPD guy and am with ana amazing guy (sis has no clue Thank God... .).  I also feel cognitive dissonance kept me trying to work it out with disordered sister when it is an impossible situation to be in any kind of relationship with BPD/NPD folks.   Anyways, reading the article was an enlightening moment and I am so glad I understand this concept.  It helped me reconcile in my mind, why it was so hard to walk away from both!

[Kwamina]

Hi Pina colada

Well I'm glad you're no longer in that emotionally abusive relationship?

Great also to see you reading up on these concepts and sharing your insights

I also feel cognitive dissonance kept me trying to work it out with disordered sister when it is an impossible situation to be in any kind of relationship with BPD/NPD folks.

Relationships with BPD or NPD people can definitely be very challenging. Dealing with the distorted thinking can be very difficult and when narcissistic traits are also in the mix, things can definitely get quite unpleasant. Still, each disordered person is still different. There are certain similarities as becomes very clear from the threads on these boards, yet we are still dealing with individuals here. In some cases managing a relationship with someone with BPD might be easier or more difficult than others, depending on the extent of the disorder, environmental or external factors and stressors, the disordered person's willingness and ability to acknowledge and work on his/her issues and also our own coping and communication skills.

Wanting to work things out seems like a natural reaction to me, because even after everything that has happened, she's still your sister and I can understand that deep down inside you still would have wanted and hoped for things to be different. It is what it is though and you can only control your own behavior.

[zachira]

I admire how you are taking a look at different ways to think and are learning everything you can about how we relate to ourselves and others. You are absolutely right that we often have more than one way of thinking about something which makes decisions making difficult.
Sometimes we get caught up in perfection, in wanting to find the right solution for a problem right now, and then never having to look back. You are on the right track, looking at how different decisions you have made and will have to make in the future affect you. You are well aware of why it is so hard to decide, especially when you are dealing with your sister and other people you really care about who do not seem to respect that it is a painful, thoughtful process to decide to end a relationship. We all need to have people in our lives who listen to our thoughts and feelings with care and kindness so we can sort out all the choices that are available to us. There are many people on this site who will listen to you and have had experiences similar to yours. Keep us posted and let us know how we can best support your journey.

[icky]

I just read a great article on cognitive dissonance. 

I'm curious now! : )

If it's online, can you share it?

[Pina colada]

Hi Kwamina and zachtra for the validation!  I read, read, read and it does help.  I am sharing more on this sight than in the past.  Sometimes we just need and ear like you mentioned and some validation.  We also do not like being judged as I know with the guy, it was bigger than I was and I needed to go down the path I did to realize I needed it to end.  It's not that simple sometimes although it is easy for someone, whom has not walked in our shoes to tell us what we should do.  And yes, every disordered individual, my sis and guy are different and there is immense history with sis and with the guy, each different.
Hi icky!  I am not good with posting links nor do I know if it is allowed.  It was an article I found on Pinterest from a sight called : narcissistbehavior.net!  I plan on reading over there over the weekend!