Object Permenance and SO / exSO

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD exSO painted me black about a month ago, it was something insignificant that she had twisted my words on, but she left angry and that weekend sent me a text to lose her number and never contact her again.

In the past, I have noted that she has object permanence issues and can hold whatever emotion she last had for me.  For example, when she would get disproportionately angry at me and give me the silent treatment for days, I would have to drive over to see her.  The moment I saw her, her eyes would light up and she would instantly go from "never talk to me again" to "I missed you so much".  Painted white almost instantly.

I haven't seen her in person since that night.  I attempted to contact her twice, once by text that was met with the typical hostility, and once by driving to see her, but I never did because she had locked herself upstairs in her house and wouldn't answer the door.

As some background, our arguments have never escalated to violence on either side.  In fact, she's only managed to goad me into yelling back at her once.  The typical pattern is she gets upset over something, sometimes real but insignificant, or twists my words into something she can get herself worked up and upset about, blows up and gives me the silent treatment, then eventually cools off.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I had contemplated trying to see her in person one more time.  I feel like it might have went differently if we had talked.  At the same time, if this is really the end as it seems to be, I may be permanently black and even attempting to talk to her could be a disaster that I don't want.  She definitely has it set up for her to play the victim role if I attempt to talk to her again.

Anyone have any experience with this?  All suggestions and thoughts welcome.

[kleptoz28]

My uBPD exSO painted me black about a month ago, it was something insignificant that she had twisted my words on, but she left angry and that weekend sent me a text to lose her number and never contact her again.

In the past, I have noted that she has object permanence issues and can hold whatever emotion she last had for me.  For example, when she would get disproportionately angry at me and give me the silent treatment for days, I would have to drive over to see her.  The moment I saw her, her eyes would light up and she would instantly go from "never talk to me again" to "I missed you so much".  Painted white almost instantly.

I haven't seen her in person since that night.  I attempted to contact her twice, once by text that was met with the typical hostility, and once by driving to see her, but I never did because she had locked herself upstairs in her house and wouldn't answer the door.

As some background, our arguments have never escalated to violence on either side.  In fact, she's only managed to goad me into yelling back at her once.  The typical pattern is she gets upset over something, sometimes real but insignificant, or twists my words into something she can get herself worked up and upset about, blows up and gives me the silent treatment, then eventually cools off.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I had contemplated trying to see her in person one more time.  I feel like it might have went differently if we had talked.  At the same time, if this is really the end as it seems to be, I may be permanently black and even attempting to talk to her could be a disaster that I don't want.  She definitely has it set up for her to play the victim role if I attempt to talk to her again.

Anyone have any experience with this?  All suggestions and thoughts welcome.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

In fact, she's only managed to goad me into yelling back at her once. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  I had contemplated trying to see her in person one more time.  I feel like it might have went differently if we had talked. 

Anyone have any experience with this?  All suggestions and thoughts welcome.

hi kleptoz28,

i’m impressed you only lost it once! you are my new hero!

i must admit i used “being in person” many times to get him to flip back to white again.

do you still want her? are you hoping to get back together? need a break? or?

warmly, pearl.

[kleptoz28]

hi kleptoz28,

i’m impressed you only lost it once! you are my new hero!

i must admit i used “being in person” many times to get him to flip back to white again.

do you still want her? are you hoping to get back together? need a break? or?

warmly, pearl.

That once was the moment she split me black. She had twisted my words talking about how I'd had a great time out with her earlier in the week to some percieved slight and was screaming at me in a parking lot to get out of her car.  I said "I can't handle this crazy sh** anymore" and got out of the car. I had never responded to her anger with anger before.

Part of me still wants her, part of me thinks it ends badly no matter what.  

The thing that scares me is she's still in that anger mode until I'm in front of her.  And the way she plays victim, if I try to see her again and she knows I'm there but has no visual contact like last time, it would be very easy for her to say I'm harassing her.  After all, police assume this is a normal situation, they have no way of knowing this girl has told me to leave her alone and never speak to her a half dozen times, then will call me in tears a few days later if I haven't tried to.  This is the first time it's seemed like she means it though, but I haven't actually seen her like the other times either.