Out of hope

[GD39]

I have posted a few items in the last few days trying to get some clarity. My BPD girlfriend has reached out to me, and we are supposedly to go stay over-nite tomorrow at a hotel. However, I keep coming to this particular board of bettering a relationship, and it appears that for the most part, the same hell continues no matter what you try. Is that so? I don't see many stories that appears that the relationship goes at least partially smooth. It seems that the same non ending effort in part of the non is the norm. By this time I am thinking that its putting in a lot into something to reap very limited benefits. I love her dearly, but I cannot see myself battling every day trying to keep a relationship going that she might abandon at any minute for a misconceived affront. Any input? I am not here trying to disrespect, is just that the fact that I might see her tomorrow after a month, her big problem with object consistency, has me very concerned. Some moments I feel like just letting go of the whole issue, while others is, I love her with all my heart and would really like to see this prosper.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

I understand, it does seem never ending giving.

Asking myself, when i feel this way, what have I done for self care.?

Being in a relationship w someone w serious mental illness is challenging.  It just is.

That requires me to take exceptional care of myself, notice my attitude.  It can't be all them, making me crazy.

I don't want to he a victim.  So I read, learn, ask questions, of people who have experience.

I don't have to re invent the wheel.

Like what you enjoy about her, and ignore the rest.

How important is it anyway?

It's all up to you. 

Enjoy!
juju

[kleptoz28]

I feel your pain on this.  I haven't seen my BPD ex in almost a month to the day.  I'm debating making one last ditch effort to talk to her tomorrow.  She has the same object permanence problem you describe.  She can stay angry and only see that side of me unless I manage to talk to her in person.  The misconceived affront you described is exactly the reason we're in this situation. 

Is it worth it?  I don't know.  Only you can decide that.  What I am certain of in both of our situations is it was dysfunctional before, and going back to that will not work.  If your girlfriend really wants to be with you, she needs to be willing to face the illness.  Living in denial while you attempt to placate or tiptoe around her will not work long term. 

There needs to be agreed upon methods of conflict resolution, taking time outs to cool of, and the eventual goal of getting into long term therapy.

[GD39]

Thanks both for your reply. Juju, what do you mean what does it matter anyway?

[ClingToHope]

I’ve felt the same hopelessness and anger as I delve deeper into what this disease entails
I’ve gotten really angry that it seems I’m doing all the work and they walk a path of distraction oblivious to the wreckage.

On book I read asked out front what the heck was I doing in a relationship with a BPD person.  I was offended but also saw his point.
So it made me start to look at the relationship and decide what would be deal breakers.

For me it is refusing to seek professional help.
So he is going to get assessed
Next when they tell him he will need therapy. Which they will, it will be resting on that.
As long as he is trying. I will assuming he is not overly abusive
Oh and I’m learning to be the master of boundaries.
Note the learning part. Cause I have discovered I really suck at it. Lol

Best of luck
And come back here with as many questions and thoughts as you have. We are here to support you in any way you need.
CTH

[juju2]

Hi,

What I meant, is when I get upset over something he does, I have to ask myself, why do I have to get upset.

It's not that important.

I can shrug it off, he has a serious mental illness.

juju

[GD39]

Hi,

What I meant, is when I get upset over something he does, I have to ask myself, why do I have to get upset.

It's not that important.

I can shrug it off, he has a serious mental illness.

juju

Makes sense. Have a lot of work to do on that.

[once removed]

its initially incredibly comforting to discover that we are not alone, and that others are struggling with similar relationship dynamics.

really and truly though, everyones situation is unique, personal, individual. i would not do too much applying the situations of others to yours.

the question youre asking is also unique, personal, individual in how it applies.

when most of us arrive here, we realize we have some work to do ourselves, that we contribute to the relationship in dysfunctional ways, and often make matters worse for ourselves, our partners, the relationship. improving our situation really starts there.

what happens after that is the unique part; how our partners respond, whether they follow our lead, whether  the relationship is built to last, the severity of our partners traits, all of these things and more play a role.

i know of some miracles. i know of some disasters. i know of some members who were blindsided and dumped. i know of some members who cleaned up their side of the street, and still exited the relationship. i know some members for whom leaving, regardless, is not an option. some members who tolerate the relationship. some members who despite some ups and downs, really enjoy their relationship. results are all over the map, really.

in general, i think you really cant lose if you make the investment to learn the tools, clean up your side of the street. it will take you to a different, better place in your relationship regardless of how it turns out, and if the worst should happen, it will be with you for life.