2nd round - 1st bust-up after one healthy month

[Mikey26]

Ok, we ran into each other on the subway just like a movie on Feb 26th. She'd broken up with me on Dec 17th (no closure at all, the usual stuff, and it massively hurt).
Anyway, let's cut to the chase; last Monday we were playing cards in the park and she went off like a bomb and cursed at me and stabbed me with one of those withering knifelike glances that only authentic BPDs can inflict. It hurt, but I kept calm, rose my voice a bit and went like, 'you just can't react like that out of a game. Are you listening to yourself?'... .anyway, after that we stopped the game, I walked her home (my mistake), no words whatsoever. Then I left. She's been giving me the silent treatment since then.
1) Can anyone ever be happy with a BPDso? I'll be 40 in less than a year. Will I ever be able to reach happiness with her?
2) I'm sincerely worried about her well-being since I guess she's giving me the silent treatment out of embarrassment. I don't think it's a silly "test" this time. Should I text her? Or should I wait for her to text me?
Thanks a lot for reading. I know I'm a fool. You can be blunt; I want and love honesty.

[Survivor09]

Hello Mikey26,

I'm so sorry about how things have been going for you. After 9 years of marriage to a BPDw, I can honestly say that my experience has only worsened. As much as I love my BPDw, I realize that I cannot cure her and she very well may never be well. My happiness in life does not come through her or from time spent with her. I have to find happiness in other things in life including my relationship with my children. I cannot tell you whether or not happiness is attainable with a BPDs but what I can tell you is that you have an advantage that many individuals didn't have in that you are aware of her illness in advance. Now it is up to you to be honest with yourself and take this condition very seriously and ask yourself if you are willing to deal with the episodes that you have already experienced but on a consistent basis for the rest of your life. For me, I did not know that my BPDw had this condition prior to our marriage. However, I was aware that she was a little immature and moody. I appreciated the fact that when she had moody or cranky days, I could go to my house and leave her at her house but once we got married, that was no longer an option. I simply had to deal with it and now my goal is to maintain my own sanity and protect my children.
Hopefully some others will weigh in with some more solid advice.

be strong!

[formflier]

Mikey

Would have been better for you to express that YOU won't tolerate those outbursts... .vice trying to explain to her that "she can't"... .

Much better for you to control yourself... .vice trying to control her.

FF

[Mikey26]

Thanks for those invaluable and sincere words, survivor09. Thanks for reading in spite of what you're going through. Yes, formflier, you're totally right. But my reaction was a sign of progress: I would've frozen or tried to reason with her some months back. I texted her this morning. I gave her twinkly words, but sincere; some of them a bit corny, perhaps. I didn't mention this in the text, but I guess I want out. She won't reply, though, which won't hurt as it used to. I'm mentally knackered. I'll need to feel the pain, to mourn her and the breakup. But I reckon I can't take this anymore.

[formflier]

  But my reaction was a sign of progress: I would've frozen or tried to reason with her some months back.

I agree... .good job!

As you work on becoming more self aware and detaching from the conflict, don't be surprised if you start choosing different reactions to mix things up a bit.

FF

[Mikey26]

Thanks for your words, formflier. I'm muddled. I thought I'd learnt the whole theory but then everything she does (or doesn't do) still puts me off track. How come she's been giving me the silent treatment since SHE insulted me out of a cards game? How come she's vanished since I'd been nearly her God, a flawless man, huge etc for an entire month just a few hours before this bust-up took place? I thought she was embarrassed and might self harm so texted her on Sunday. Nothing. No reply at all. So SHE's painted ME black. I should be the one in a huff.
Is there ONE single case in which peace and happiness is eventually reached?

[formflier]

How come she's been giving me the silent treatment since SHE insulted me out of a cards game? How come she's vanished since I'd been nearly her God, a flawless man, huge etc for an entire month just a few hours before this bust-up took place? 

Well... .she does this because it is working for her right now (literally... for the moment that she does it).


Also... remember that her feelings will change rapidly... .AND... .that when her feelings change they really are strong feelings, as in so strong that they have a hard time remembering that they felt differently.

Or they justify the switch in feelings with really strong reasons (in their mind).

There is also an element of push pull to this.  Remember... .when they push... you push too... .just not as much.

When they pull... you pull too... .just not as much.

You ALWAYS want to be between them and "neutral" (neutral being not pushing or pulling).

This will help them "smooth this stuff out".

Last thought:  Dude... .this is a hard one... .but will help.  Don't take this personally... .this is what she does.  Sure you can affect it a bit here and there... .but she is going to do what she is going to do.

Once you understand that... .it will help you be less reactive... .and more accepting. 

"Oh... well... I guess I'll be entertaining myself this weekend."

"Oh... .she's back... .I guess we'll be going out tonight."

When you are equally as cool with either one of those... .things will calm.  I realize... that's a bit counter-intuitive.

Hang in there man!

FF

[Mikey26]

Massive thanks, FF. That's been invaluable help. Honest. I thought there might be a tiny change since she's reaching her 40s little by little (37). I've thought of sending her a voice message: 'I'd really like to give it another shot, how interested are you in it?' But I don't know: the 3 possible answers scare me a lot: silence, no and yes. Yeah. 'Yes' scares me as well. One voice of mine tells me to take the plunge and run the hell out of all this.
Thanks again, guys.

[formflier]

If you really are interested in her... .best to let her "pull" first.

If she is still in push mode... .and you pull... .she will push harder.

It can be tough to wrap your head around.

How many times have you broken up and gotten back together?

How is this time like and dislike the other times?

FF

[Mikey26]

Many times. This romance started in July, '17. Usual stuff. Honeymoon phase. Breakup: I'll never forget the first and second times: she gave me literally ruthless silent treatments. Long and intense ones. On Dec 17th I saw her for the last time. No closure. Usual BPD stuff.
On Feb 26th I ran into her on the subway at night. Life is a movie. Off we went again. And here is the thing: the relationship had been great for more than an entire month, which had never ever happened before; on Apr 1st (Easter) I was still a "perfect man", "thanks, life, for this new chance I won't pass up" I was "everything", etc etc. Apr 2nd: KABAM! There's the difference: she 'broke up' with me in the midst of the idealization phase.
Thanks for your support, FF.

[formflier]

  she 'broke up' with me in the midst of the idealization phase.
 

Mindset matters... .you are making this about you.  "She broke up with me... ."

How about ":)uring the idealization phase... my girlfriend couldn't stand the intense intimacy and dealt with that in a dysfunctional way... "?

Sure... that had a big impact on you... .but it really wasn't about you. 

There is a concept called "radical acceptance" that helps us not take things personally... .which helps us be less reactive... .which helps us not exacerbate our relationships... .which helps the relationships be more stable... .which helps there be less ST (and other dysfunctional behaviors)... .and so on...

RA is a long term process of coming to terms with a relationship with serious dysfunction present... .

FF

[Mikey26]

FF, thanks again. Huge help. I've just read 2 articles on RA. 100% useful. I think she dropped her "mask" this time, and that's why she fell back on the silent treatment once again. Thing is, I miss her, but at the same time, I dread her coming back to my life. I mean, BPD still baffles me: how come this woman, who's so brilliant and gorgeous, can find herself despicable and have no self-esteem at all? All sorts of doubt have started growing roots in my head. I reckon I'll have to steel myself for a life ahead - without her.

[formflier]

  how come this woman, who's so brilliant and gorgeous, can find herself despicable and have no self-esteem at all? All sorts of doubt have started growing roots in my head. I reckon I'll have to steel myself for a life ahead - without her.

Perhaps... .

If you are ok with her condition... truely ok with it... .the condition will get somewhat better.

Imagine if she feels that way... .and also feels judged by you.  Not good.

Think about how you have reacted before... .and think about how she may have perceived those reactions.

Likelihood she is done for good are low.  The real question is how will you be different... .next time she comes around.

If you want a future... .it is much better to wait on her... .than to chase her.  Use you time now to gain understanding... .it will help.  Only time will tell if it is enough.

FF

[Mikey26]

Thanks for being there for us, FF. You're amazing. I WAS truely ok with her condition. She knows it. But I'm not ok with her not loving me or nearly anyone. This is manipulation. The ST is abuse, verbal and emotional; violent and intentional. She's done it many times. Unacceptable. I'll muster up the courage and write off all this toxic stuff. No healthy person could choose to live in pain. IF I could be 100% sure she loves me I'd give it another shot. But it's time to grow brave and face up to what reality shows me. I'm non-existent. Just a supply. A source for a weak ego.

[formflier]

Thanks for being there for us, FF. You're amazing. I WAS truely ok with her condition. She knows it. But I'm not ok with her not loving me or nearly anyone.  

Hey... .I'm not picking on you... but being frank.  There is double-talk in what you said.

"I'm really ok with her condition... but I'm not ok with her actions"... .it's one and the same.

I'm not at all saying that she gets a pass... .and "being ok" with something is much different than saying "you approve"... .or "you support", because clearly... .clearly ST is toxic.  

So... .there is kinda a broad range where on one end you condemn her and all her actions... .and on the other end you support her and all her actions (regardless of toxicity).

So... .I hope we can agree the extreme ends are bad... .but... .you are going to need to be pretty close to the accepting stage for a while (assuming you desire any future).  

She is going to test and probe and push... etc etc... .because she is so used to people running away (with good reason) from her.  There is a chance that consistent acceptance may open up channels for real healing... .no guarantees.

Now... .to flip this around.  

It's completely OK for you to take a stance of  "her behavior is toxic, I don't do toxic in my life... .I"m moving along... .I don't accept that behavior or her when she does it"  (those are good boundaries... should they work for you)

My big picture goal is for you to understand... .and a deep down core level... .that her behavior is who she is... .and a reflection of her inner self... .it's not a nice place.  A future with her, should you choose that... .needs to involve you really understanding that and it's impact on you and your r/s with her.

Be kind to yourself while you process all of this.

FF

[Mikey26]

Thanks again, FF. Yeah, there's double-talk... .2 inner voices of mine are locked in a fierce struggle. The run-the-F-outta-there one might be winning this time, I reckon. I know it may be a foolish delusion, though. However, if the give-it-another-shot one were to win, I might lose just the same: who knows whether or not this ST is the final discard? I've never ever heard ONE single case that ended in success since I got enmeshed in this world. I guess there might not be any happy endings when it comes to BPD relationships.

[Mikey26]

Hi, everyone. Ok, remember this one? Went out with her for nearly one year, then broke up. Ran into her on the underground on Feb 26th '18 and she succeeded in charming me back. Silly bust-up on April 1st'18 out of a cards game. So she vanished. 100%. Then it finally happened, on Sunday evening; that is, when least expected: "Hi. How are you? If you're interested in talking give me your mobile number." Via e-mail. After 1 year and 3 months NC. We'd never been in touch by e-mail before.
I thought of giving her a "the only sort of conversation we can have is one without anything on, and I'm always open to a good chinwag" answer so that she might crack up and get on with her life. Fortunately, I refrained. No reply at all. I'm still dumbfounded at being dumbfounded: such an intelligent lady, with a university degree and all, 100% gorgeous. Oficially diagnosed and yet she decides not to face up to the fact that she has something massive to attain. Anyway...
I'd suggest you all take the plunge and cut these people off your lives for good, unless they're genuinely willing to get help. Life is too good and short to fritter it away next to an emotional vampire in denial. Hope this helps. Cheers.