Trying to maintain my own sanity

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

This post will not be very long as I am very emotionally drained and don't have much fight left in me. After 9 years of marriage, Im really just tired of constantly arguing and fighting because I didn't do this or that or say this or that for my BPDw. Nothing I do is ever good enough. If I  compliment her hair today, tomorrow she will say that I've never complimented her hair before. It's always one thing after the other. One day, I'm a great husband and the next day she's a neglected wife. She fights with me and tells me everything that Im not only to come back a few hours to a day later and say that Im amazing and she appreciates me for putting up with her. I feel like this relationship is driving me crazy. I need help. I don't know how to go through this without being affected emotionally, mentally and even physically. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thanks 

[Survivor09]

Hi everyone,

This post will not be very long as I am very emotionally drained and don't have much fight left in me. After 9 years of marriage, Im really just tired of constantly arguing and fighting because I didn't do this or that or say this or that for my BPDw. Nothing I do is ever good enough. If I  compliment her hair today, tomorrow she will say that I've never complimented her hair before. It's always one thing after the other. One day, I'm a great husband and the next day she's a neglected wife. She fights with me and tells me everything that Im not only to come back a few hours to a day later and say that Im amazing and she appreciates me for putting up with her. I feel like this relationship is driving me crazy. I need help. I don't know how to go through this without being affected emotionally, mentally and even physically. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thanks 

[DaddyBear77]

Hey Survivor09,

First of all, a big   for you - this stuff is incredibly hard. I know that, and everyone here gets it, too.

I need help.

Yes, you will need help to get through this. As many people told me when I first started posting - bpdfamily is one leg of the stool. The other two legs are friends and family (IRL), and the last leg is trained professional help. ALL of these should be in the mix to get out of where we are stuck and into the place we want to be with our life.

How are you doing with those last two items?

I'll tell you, again, when I first got here, I was REALLY lacking in outside support, both friendly and professional. As soon as I made that commitment to build out the other two legs, things changed dramatically. For me, and also, thankfully, my daughter as well.

Have you had a chance recently to take some time to yourself? To think about what's next? If you haven't read this article yet, please do. It might help you put things into perspective.

But in any case, think about all THREE legs of the stool - how's your support?

[Lalathegreat]

Welcome to the family!

I want to echo what DaddyBear has said. Connecting with people here has been invaluable. But as important to me was starting work with a wonderful therapist who could guide the process, and confiding in a handful of close friends who could help me carry the load. It was only near the end that I realized how isolated I had become - changing THAT was paramount!

I look forward to getting to know you!

Lala

[Survivor09]

Hi Daddy Bear and Lala,

Thanks so much for reaching out to me. The support I'm receiving here has become so meaningful to me. To answer your question Daddybear, I have a few really good friends who I am able to share my experience with. Often times I feel like I wear them out with always talking about the same things over and over again. They are very supportive but sometimes I feel like they just don't get it. As far as therapy is concerned, my BPDw and I periodically go to her therapist for couples therapy and recently, the therapist has agreed to meet with me individually because she sees how terribly I am suffering in this situation. I did have my own therapist a few years ago but he didn't take my insurance. I guess its time for me to search for a new therapist of my own.

[Red5]

Hi everyone,

This post will not be very long as I am very emotionally drained and don't have much fight left in me.

After 9 years of marriage, Im really just tired of constantly arguing and fighting because I didn't do this or that or say this or that for my BPDw.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. If I  compliment her hair today, tomorrow she will say that I've never complimented her hair before.

It's always one thing after the other.

One day, I'm a great husband and the next day she's a neglected wife.

She fights with me and tells me everything that Im not only to come back a few hours to a day later and say that Im amazing and she appreciates me for putting up with her.

I feel like this relationship is driving me crazy. I need help. I don't know how to go through this without being affected emotionally, mentally and even physically.

Good Moring Survivor09,

Wow, .this almost sounds like my first post here over fifteen months ago,

I can relate too, and also concur with all the above, as I experience the exact same things in my own marriage to my u/BPD wife, we have been married for seven years now, and in a relationship for ten years... .

I too pretty much was going crazy, I call it "up a tree"... .but I came upon this phenomena of BPD, and it seemed to fit exactly, so at least I now had a reason perhaps, and it was NOT me after all who was the one who was losing it, .that may sound a bit off hand, but I was being led to believe that it was all my fault in our relationship, I used to say to myself, wow Red5, you got another "F" on your report card!

Very perplexing and exhausting these BPD relationships, .but this is a great place to come to and vent, and as well learn more, so that you may be able to cope for a while, and understand what, and why this is happening in your (our) relationships.

So welcome Survivor09, and please learn all you can about the many different facets of living with, and being married (relationship) to a person with borderline personality disorder, either undiagnosed, or diagnosed... .many volumes to read over here, .

You are certainly not alone, there are many here who are going through much of the same things as you, come here often, and talk, it has certainly helped me immensely!

Good luck!

Red5

[Enabler]

Hey survivor09, ditto the others, there’s a script of pretty much all new members posts including my own (16.5yrs married, 20.5yr relationship). Firstly, I very much doubt its all your fault. You maybe contributing by adding fuel to the fire, but you must take the weight off your shoulders. In time and with plenty of comments we can help you look at your behaviour such that you can help to reduce that fuel supply to the conflicts.

Picking up on your point about friends. Friends are important because spending time with them can help you come up for air and breath. HOWEVER unless your friends have had sinilar experiences or are trained in BPD, sometimes it may well feel as though you are trying to convince them that unicorns exist. Especially if your wife has developed some social masks over the years to hide the worst of her traits. I have found that friends and social aquantances want to package your issues up into little parcels and file them away as regular issues. Be aware not to exhaust your friends and family with unicorn stories and empathise it’s tough for them to grasp... .tougher than it was for you to finally realise and find this site. Trained professionals do get it and I find it invaluable breathing with my therapist (T) even just every 3 weeks. They believe in unicorns.

Situational examples are excellent as a guide as we can work through what is going on.

[Survivor09]

Thanks so much Red5 and Enabler,

It is good to know that I'm not alone. One thing that some friends have often said to me is that they don't know how I do it and if it were them, they wouldn't/couldn't put up with a wife like mine. Sometimes they suggest that I am not firm or aggressive enough. Those statements really make me feel bad. I agree Enabler, it's like I'm trying to convince them that I'm really not making this up or exaggerating. Sometimes I just want somebody to say hey I believe you and although I cant fix it, I'm sorry and I understand.

[AskingWhy]

Survivor, pwBPD and other PDs don't really have a sense of history and only experience the present.  They have the emotions of small children or infants who rage one minute when their wants are not met, and then cooing peacefully 30 minutes later.

The issue of the hair compliments may be true.  Your W simply may not remember your compliments a day earlier.

What you are describing is the common black/white "splitting" of the BPD mind.  It has to do with object permanence from infancy.  If a small child cannot see a toy, he thinks it does not exist.  In fact, he does not even go looking for it.

pwBPD are often described as having a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality.  They cannot have a duality of thought.  They either love you or hate you.

My uBPD/uNPD H is often like this.  He cannot remember things day to day.  He cannot even recall a gift from his SIL from the past Christmas.  If we have a disagreement, he can't consider saying to me, "I love you, but something you did upset me."  Instead, he is howling in rage and threatening me with divorce, searching the Internet for attorneys in our town, then sleeping on the couch to show his hatred for my company.  The next day, he will take his blankets and pillows to our bedroom and sleep in the same bed with me.  No comment on this, as if it never happened before.

I know living with a BPD spouse is very tiring.  Understanding the psychological mechanisms at work and not taking things personally help.  

  

[5min]

Glad you are here. The resources and the people have helped me so much and will you too.  The "hair" comment" strikes so close to home that it seems as if you are here.

As for your friends comments, don't take it personally. They just do not understand because they are not in it. They have not experienced the mental manipulation which rewires us to become codependent. We spend effort trying to avoid triggers and trying to calm the situation that we change. They would change as well if they were experiencing it.

And I can relate to your post title. I too am trying to stay sane. It is hard to take the verbal abuse and not question ourselves but pondering their rants for even a second in turn forms doubt and pulls us in deeper.

You are in a safe place here,

5min

[ortac77]

Welcome Survivor 09

I can only echo many of the comments here and stress how important it is to maintain outside relationships with friends and family - no they won't get it -how could they, you have to live through this stuff to get it and even then of course it can make little sense! But they can support you and I am finding the pleasure of being with people outside so helpful in my own recovery - the chance to hold a normal conversation, have some laughs is priceless.

It helps to read the information here and I have found reading others experiences so helpful to see that I am not alone and although no two pwBPD are the same there are so many similarities. One thing I found invaluable was getting therapy myself from a T who understands the condition, it has enabled me to see that I do not have to put up with the crazy making behaviours and that my best interests are served by doing things for me and setting some very clear boundaries - I am not suggesting this is easy and required an honest look at my own co-dependency issues but although I am still sharing my house with my BPD (partner?) and the question marks are deliberate - I no longer am getting embroiled in the Love/Hate binary that he lives in.

Welcome and I hope that you find some help here

In eace

[Survivor09]

Asking Why- You really helped me with this one. I have definitely noticed from the very beginning of our relationship that my BPDw is childish and immature, but I've also held to the belief that she needs to grow up and behave like an adult. I guess I just have to accept the fact that she cant act like an adult because in some ways emotionally she's still a child.

5min- I am really grateful to have connected to people on here that get it and totally understand the struggle of being in these type of relationships. I often feel like I'm losing it.

Ortac 77- I'm working on addressing my own issues also. I'm learning that my focus cannot totally be on my wife's issues. the thing that is so challenging is that she doesn't give me any time or space to relax and disconnect from the emotional highs and lows that she is experiencing. I hate arguing and having disagreements but they seem to be inevitable. My goal now is to spend more time working on being the best me that I can be for me and to others.   

[christianboy]

I am glad to read that someone else gets the "Your the best husband in the world and you love me so much" and then another day or even same day "I want you to think about things because your very mean to me".

It used to confuse me but now I just see it as part of the BPD behaviour tree.

Does anyone else get a look from their BPD partner that is a look of disgust or like your the last person they want to be around. Its a hurtful experience.
I love my wife so much and all I want is her to get better.

Christianboy