BPD spouse - ultimatums that i cannot meet , Sohies choice, Trapped

[Sher]

Hi

My parents in their mid eighties live in our basement apartment, separated by a door, my undiagnosed BPD spouse of 22 years seems to be having a mid life crisis and want me to kick them out to which i have refused, (we did this once before and she invited them back in and i told her at the time only as long as we would never do that agiain), They are infirm, we live in the highest price real estate city in NA and there is no housing available in the city to send them to, they lent us some money to buy the house, now she claims they should have paid rent the whole time though this was never our agreement and they cant afford it, now she has taken an intense dislike to them (anger+++) claims i am forcing her to live with them (not true since they live separate and we barely see them) and blames them for her bad relationship with her daughter claiming they influenced her, (Daughter is a super bright got into 8 ivy league schools, very independant and not easily influenced.),

i have pointed out she needs to see a therapist, with out telling her i suspect BPD (she hates them all) refuses to acknolwege any illness, was on depressive meds but got herself off them, now has given me an ultimatum to kick my parents out or move out with them, i refused stating i would too move out though not with them, neither would i live wth a spouse who forces me to make such a Sophies choice, (so that she cant say im picking them over her), weve agreed to sell the house (nice house, i feel terrible and wish  i could afford it on my own) and move on separately, she wanted to share the dog, I disagreed and  told her once we separate i would never see her agiain.

Shes impossible to talk to, non cooperative. i was able to handle most of her nonsense before but now shes escalted it to stratopheric levels and the ultimatums have got absurd, if i give in to this, im sure there will be more in the future so i dont want to encourate bad behaviour,  Im so screwed and it will affect so many dear people.  Im really concerned about my daughter who is quite estranged from her mother, but will be impacted nontheless.

Keeping my self healthy have lost weight, Yoga, Mediatation etc, any helpful tips would be great. Feeling completely trapped and cannot belive im in this position.

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[Radcliff]

Sher, I'm sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation, but am glad you've found us.  This is a great place to get support.

You talked about the impact on your daughter.  :)o you share one child with your wife?  How old is your daughter?

Have you and your wife discussed a timeline for separation?  How long ago did you decide to sell the house?

Sorry for so many questions, just one more... .When did things start getting so much worse, and do you have any idea what might have precipitated it?

WW

[Sher]

Hi Wentworth,

Thanks for your reply, my daughter is 1st yr Univ, and is living on campus approx an hour away, so shes pretty independant, No timeline decided on the house as yet, other than we need to engage a realtor and figure out what needs to be fixed up to maximise return, not sure if shes pushing my resolve or what, she had threateded this in front of councelor once, and the councelor got right in her face and said your in no shape to be making major decisions right now and if you do you will regret it later.

She been getting progessively worse over the past 4 years, totally unpredicatbale on triggers, daughter left home for school in  fall 2017,  she had a hysterectomy in summer 2017 and has gone off the deep end since then, thinks she has become a very strong women but has no friends, friends have confided in me that they too have encouraged her to seek therapy, but she lies to them and they've caught her in the lies so she ignores them now.

Heard her talking to her mom last night about  wonderful 'you tube' videos shes found on dealing narcisist and how it hit home with her, so shes now diagnosed me as a narcissit via you tube (good grief). Heard her mom telling her to compromise, but she refused to her mom. My coucellor dosent think im any more a narcissit any more than the average person.

Needless to say we are not talking, other than limited communication via email on logistics for daily dog care etc.

Everyone tells me to be patient and understanding and to take care of myself  but i feel i am swimming upstream and the wave is just getting higher.

[Radcliff]

Everyone tells me to be patient and understanding and to take care of myself  but i feel i am swimming upstream and the wave is just getting higher.

You are indeed battling strong forces here.  What do you want?  Would you like to slow things down and see what improvements can be made?

What does it look like when you have conflict?  What does she do, and what do you do?

WW

[juju2]

So sorry you are going through this.

Everyone here is dealing w something.  I am separated one year, working on myself, after 10 yrs living together, he is untreated dBPD. And now maybe ptsd.  We see eachother once a week for 90 minutes.

I think the best thing is me not getting bullied into something.  Or whatever it is they do to get us to do X.

I don't know how to not do this myself.

It's a problem with me, because something in me is afraid.  Like, my pwBPD, he has 75% of his possessions still at our house, he doesn't know when he will come to live w me again.  And I don't push anything.  I guess I don't have to.  It's just so confusing w dealing with the person, and then dealing w their disorder.

I read somewhere the therapists who see BPD patients, have to put themselves in therapy to keep on an even keel.  That should be a huge message.

Anyway, i dont know if i have anything helpful, other than, its ok for me to do what i want.  Its my life.

Hang in there,

juju

[Sher]

Hi Wentworth,

What do i want, i want to get out but the cost of homes is very high, 1MM+ for avg homes, or get an apartment which means i will most likely have to give up the dogs without a yard,  as well dont know how i will suport my duaghter through Univ, much less my parents.

Ive suggested competent 3rd party indepndant councelling, since we are unable to communicate, but she avoids this, her demands are becoming more outrageous and ive told her i cannot give in to them since i dont know what outragous demands shes going to come up with next (divorce my daughte with whom i have great realtionship), she knows i like to take of my own and uses this as a weapon since she knows the housing is ridiculously unaffordable.

Sensitive conversations blow up really quick if i disagree or she does not agree, its all her way or nothing.

[Radcliff]

You are in a tough spot.  She is not a good problem solver.  You have some tough challenges, caring for your parents, finding housing for you, and putting your daughter through university.  All of that stuff will take time to work out.  Can you slow things down?

It sounds like there is a lot of conflict.  Since it's going to take time to work things out, you can get some mileage out of the coping tools we teach here.  Take a look at this page on ending conflict, and this page on the benefits of avoiding justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining (JADE).  Can you see ways that these approaches might help reduce conflict?

WW