Addicted to the drama?

[icky]

I grew up in a family with lots of (unnecessary, unhealthy) drama. I think maybe I'm so used to a backdrop of drama, it feels "normal" to have volatile people like my BPDx in my life.

Like others here have said, being around "normal" people can feel boring, staid, predictable, dull, routine, not-alive. More unusual, volatile ppl certainly make life "interesting".

I'm not sure I need the kind of intense drama and volatility of my BPDx in my life 

But as I'm starting to focus more on myself again, during this healing journey, there is a sense of anti-climax, of boredom, of "Hmm, is this all there is... .?"

Am I kind of addicted to drama? Can I find a healthy level of drama that's not destructive and crazy-making, but that doesn't feel like a dull routine either?

[icky]

Before my BPDx went off the deep end, having massive breakdowns and dysfunctional behaviour at the tiniest triggers, one thing I liked about him is that he didn't wear a "smooth, hard social mask" like so many people do.

I realise that everyone has stuff they are dealing with, but I find so many people deal with their stuff by walking around kind of like social robots or drones. When you talk to them, it is always the same predictable, mind-numbing small talk.

What I like about ppl like my BPDx is that there is a sense of "aliveness" about them, because they can't mask their emotions so well. Their emotions seep out and when they are not massively dysregulating, this is actually a nice feature. It makes them seem real, alive, emotionally vibrant.

I guess it's ironic that for pwBPD, they still ARE putting on a social mask. They are masking their inner turmoil as best they can, too, just like everyone else is masking the emotional stuff they are dealing with.

But because the stuff pwBPD are masking is so much more extreme, more emotion seeps out, making them seem livelier than normal folks.

I find the country/ culture I live in is not very into "talking about emotions" at all. In day to day life, everyone just pretends to be "fiiiine" all the time. I find this quite fake and boring.

It's a pity that places like forums seem to be the place to talk about emotional stuff, because in day to day life we're all a bit stoopid at talking about emotions. Sure, I have a few close friends that I can talk to about emotional stuff, but in terms of society, it feels like "emotional things" are like a big secret and you only talk to your best friends about it secretly, but never admit any of it publicly - heaven forbid!

I feel like I am living in a really old fashioned culture - tho I know I'm not - this is just what is considered "normal". I wish I was living 100 years in the future, when everyone has started talking about emotions normally, like they are a REAL PART OF LIFE... .*sigh*

So while most people are still pretending that emotions are some big dirty secret only to be shared with your closest confidantes or in the secret anonimity of an internet forum, I feel like pwBPD and similar issues are out there "being emotional" which I find refreshing (until it dysregulates).

I realise this is kind of dumb, because pwBPD are suffering - they don't find their emotional state "refreshing" at all.

But I guess I'm analysing why I was drawn to my BPDx and what life feels like without him now. And yeah, I wish I had more emotional people in my life. I miss that. And I wish that there were healthy forms of being emotional, without it turning into unhealthy and destructive dysregulation.

Our stuffy "don't talk about emotions" society really ANNOYS and BORES me.

Grrrrrrr 

[The Cat in d Hat]

Can relate to all that icky, in fact when I recently started dating again and found my pwBPD online, I was on a quest to get by the boredom of studying 10 hours a day. It was just a little tiny bit more “fun” than I was looking for. I was only bored before her, when she disappeared I was bored, confused, and hurt... .didn’t help. Set me back almost 4 months in my goals too. But I have learned so much from all this for my personal and professional life so trying to see it as a win-win.

I can also relate to backdrop of family drama, it often going on, it’s usually things like talking behind other family’s back , but my pwBPD pretty much did that all the time telling me about her friends and fam and just acquaintances, or just anybody really. She kept me entertained. Lesson: now I can look for things to keep me entertained myself.

[Lucky Jim]

I grew up in a family with lots of (unnecessary, unhealthy) drama. I think maybe I'm so used to a backdrop of drama, it feels "normal" to have volatile people like my BPDx in my life.

Hey icky, You hit the nail on the head.  For most of us Nons, there is something compelling about the dynamic of a BPD r/s, usually due to our FOO or other childhood trauma.  For that reason, I think we are subconsciously attracted to a pwBPD because on some fundamental level, it feels familiar.  Yet just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's healthy.

I'm not sure I need the kind of intense drama and volatility of my BPDx in my life 

Agree, you don't need drama and turmoil.  I'm confident that you can find vibrant people out there, because I've found them.  Sure, they may not "act out" the way a pwBPD does, but that doesn't mean they are boring.  Quite the contrary, they are more interesting, even though they may not wear their hearts on their sleeves.

LJ

[Insom]

Hi, icky!  This is interesting. 

I grew up in a family with lots of (unnecessary, unhealthy) drama. I think maybe I'm so used to a backdrop of drama, it feels "normal" to have volatile people like my BPDx in my life.

Yes, I can relate with this.  FWIW, while I prefer to avoid unnecessary drama in my close personal relationships, I do find myself drawn to emotionally intense experiences at work.  Sometimes my work itself is emotionally intense.  And sometimes I cycle through periods of deadline-driven intensity followed by collapse. 

I wish I was living 100 years in the future, when everyone has started talking about emotions normally, like they are a REAL PART OF LIFE... .*sigh*

 It sounds like you're feeling emotionally stifled, like you're craving a life where you can express yourself more freely.  One way to do that is by engaging in an emotionally intense romantic relationship.  Have you thought about what other ways there are to more freely express this side of yourself?

[kfry2679]

Hi icky,

I don't think you're "addicted" to drama, but our brains seek out familiarity so it can certainly feel like it.

I can relate to this as well, though one quirk for me is that my FOO was exceptionally stable and calm. But I think one contributing factor to me getting into my relationship with my BPDx was that sensation of, "Is this it?" that I had before I met her.

For me, the intense emotional experiences in that relationship will probably always dwarf my other experiences in sheer intensity. But as time has passed, I've found many things entertaining and fun and just consistently remind myself that I am not willing to trade my sense of calm for the (rare) positive emotional connection I had with her.

Being "in control" did eventually regain some attractiveness to me, but yes, my goodness was it boring for awhile.

You'll find what you're looking for. :-)

[Cromwell]

I think my brain has had enough drama and entertainment for a lifetime. Lets not forget that part of the "aliveness" was not created by the pwBPD but resulted in a situation where you were encouraged to be more expressive. It took me awhile to look back and see my ex more as a catalyst for bringing out my own emotions than the person responsible for it. Looking even further into it, I realise I was more of the contributer and whilst my BPDx did start to becoming more emotionally open, it was only because she had encouraged me to show my cards first.

In other words, you might not be as boring or dead as it may appear its just that this person had the ability to encourage you to feel safe at releasing your own emotions that others may not.

I often have regrets for doing so, as there ended up the issue of having these shared emotions used against me when she devalued me. It was like exposing your weaknesses to a person and they then could use it against you. At the least it has helped me to find a safer medium in the future, im not such a fan of "losing myself" to someone over a short period of time, the risks outweigh the so called buzz. and yes it says a lot about what the background of a person is who is attracted to needing this level of (unhealthy) drama that PDs are able to provide. It can become addictive and that is something I feel for myself is important to work against rather than to long for. It is a bit adrenaline-junkyish.

[Lucky Jim]

I often have regrets for doing so, as there ended up the issue of having these shared emotions used against me when she devalued me. It was like exposing your weaknesses to a person and they then could use it against you.

Same for me, Cromwell.  Towards the end of my marriage to my BPDxW, I refused to share anything personal with my W, because she would use it against me.  At that point it wasn't much of a marriage, because I no longer trusted her enough to express my inner feelings.

LJ