50 yr old daughter with BPD traits

[lioness8]

My daughter is now in her 50's and I feel like she is still relating to me like a resentful adolescent.  I do my best to listen and brainstorm with her about her difficult emotional issues, and sometimes we seem to get somewhere... .but then she will call back a few days later with the same issues as if we had not discussed them. Or, she will call and lash out critically at me, feeling sorry for herself.   I end our phone conversations when I start to get angry and defensive, which she interprets as my not being willing to hear her criticisms.
I am not sure what to do now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[please]

hi lioness8
Welcome to the club that you wish you did not need.  
I have a D too who is almost 20.
Does your D have a diagnosis?

I am new here too and I don't have any advice for you. I however can direct you to look at the tools on the right side and learn.

I am learning too. What I seem to recognise on this site, is that by learning about this illness, you will learn how to protect yourself and then how to respond to your D more effectively.That is what I want to do.  

Please read some of the other posts in the psychology areas. There are great resources.

Please keep reading and posting. Someone with more experience should be here shortly too.
  

[Laliqbaila]

 Hi Lioness,
I just joined here and appreciate the kind encouragement I already received. So far the thing that has helped me the most is the NAMI ( National Alliance on Mental Illness) class that goes 12 weeks for family members. It was such a comfort to be able to talk about all the craziness/tragedy that has been happening with my adult son in an atmosphere of great compassion and NO judgement at all. At first I thought, "Oh no... .12 weeks is too long. And 2.5 hours will be too long". But in fact the time flies and we all want to stay after class. All the information is helping us to understand what has happened to our loved one, how misunderstood mental illness is and how extreme BPD is. It is actually wonderful that you continue to be there for your daughter. Best wishes to you, I think you will find great information and ideas here!

[lioness8]

thank you for your encouragement, Laliq and please.
My D does not have a diagnosis, or at least she has not told me so.  She has most of the behavior except for self-harm.
I first recognized this possibility about 18 years ago, and there was very little info then compared to now. Already I have learned a lot just reading a few things here and there on this site. 
I can see the Jekyll and Hyde thing in her very clearly.  Sometimes she says she does not even remember the outrageous accusations she makes.  She will say to me ":)id I say that?"
I so want to help her, she seems so totally trapped by her negative emotional reactions and it is hard to see someone you love in such (to me, seemingly needless, and I get that it is very real for her) agony... .it seems like so little to just not object or correct... .and yet when I emailed her today to say have a peaceful day, without mentioning the blow-up last night, she responded positively as if nothing had happened.  Fascinating.
I was hoping she would have outgrown it by now.  However she is experiencing intense emotional stress at this time in her job, so it seems logical that she would lash out wherever she can.
I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this, I have felt so alone and sad about our difficult relationship.  Unless someone has encountered a BPD person it is not as easy thing to talk about.

[Speck]

Hello, lioness8!

 

Please allow me to join please and Laliqbaila in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD, or facing emotionally intense relationships (as the byline of our logo says). So…we support each other here. I was a little scared when I joined, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better. 

So, again, welcome!

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Unless someone has encountered a BPD person it is not as easy thing to talk about.

You are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

There are also site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this relationship. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, they will assist in improving your overall relationship with your troubled daughter.

What do you need to do that will lend itself to a path of more harmony and peace for yourself?


I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck