Repairing a relationship with his son

[ClingToHope]

My uBPDh has an estranged relationship with his 19 yr old son.
With my discovery of the likely hood of his unpcoming diagnosis I have been talking with his mom. And it came up some of his erratic behaviour in the past is probably a large reason for the estrangement.
Where Can I start to find info /skills we can start working on for when he hopefully gets to try and make amends
Thank you
CTH

[NGU]

Hi ClingToHope.

Looks like you're trying to get a head start on this.

Could you go into a little detail on what type of info you're looking for? If the answer is similar to "anything," maybe you can share your concerns regarding any future interaction between them... .since that would help narrow it down as well.   

Thanks,
-ngu

[isilme]

How long has the estrangement been in place?  Who (if either) is the primary enforcer of the estrangement (does the son refuse to see him, or your H refuse to see the son, both avoid each other?)  And to be clear, "his mom" is the son's mother, or your H's mother?

A lot depends on the experiences that the son has been through that are likely tied to BPD.  BPD parents can be very confusing to their children, and distance from the BPD parent is often "safer" at least until the child has managed to determine their own personalities, and build up a few internal boundaries.  19 year old me dealing with MY dad lacked the life experience and strength it would have taken to make it any sort of relationship at all.  But my father was physically and emotionally abusive, did things like threaten murder-suicide when he was still with my mom, was a deadbeat dad to his sons from his previous marriage, and I think the man is actually somewhere close to being a sociopath.  These are very hard things for ME to "get past".

I am hoping your BPD husband was less dramatic with his son, and so the damage to be undone is far less.  My older half-brother on my dad's side said this about our shared father: "I am not going to seek him out, or ask him to be part of my life.  I will accept what he chooses to offer but realize that is really all he is capable of giving.  Looking for more is just going to cause hurt."

That may be where the son needs to get to, as your H works on trying to get to a better place.

Has the son given any indication he is interested in ending the estrangement? 

[Harri]

Hi.  It is my understanding that one of the last things to be addressed in therapy for pwBPD is how their actions have affected other people as there are so many other issues that need immediate attention.  IMO there would be little value in trying to re-establish contact if the same behaviors that caused the rift have not been addressed.  In fact, attempting to re-establish contact prior to that point may cause more damage.

Has your husband expressed an interest in seeing his son?  Has his mother (I assume your MIL) had contact with her grandson?  If the son is the one who broke contact I would respect his wishes at this point and focus more on therapy.  See how it goes and if he is compliant to treatment at the very least.

Good luck to you.