Holiday money

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry.  I may be posting quite a lot in here for a while.  I've not been on for a while as I've lots going on with work and family and things I've been building up at home with my uBPD gf.

We've promised to take the kids abroad on holiday this year.  I was reluctant to make any promises at first as we aren't in the best position financially but fair play gf did get us a pretty good deal and now its booked but I estimate we are going to need at least £2,000 to cover all the cost and don't want to suddenly find that it all falls on me as I earn the most when it comes down to the final payments or find that we can't afford it and the money we've paid so far is wasted.

To change my mind she said she'd pay in a lump sum towards it if I did, her mum has promised to pay £600 towards it (very nice of her) and she wants us both to put in £10 a week into a cash jar we have.  On top of this we already pay £60 and £40 each into a savings account.  We are going in August and at the moment have -

£350 in the cash jar
£320 in the savings account
£150 deposit paid
£200 in my savings acount

So that's just under half of what we need.  My worries are that I've not seen any sign of the £600 from her mum and she (while still paying in the £10pw) has said she is struggling to afford to cope on her wages at present and as a consequence can't pay her £200.  And now she has decided to take the kids away for a night! I've no idea how she is paying for that or her £10pw.  I'm worried that her mum has already given her the £600 or some of it and she is using it to fund her payments and when it come to paying for the holiday and our spending money there won't be the amounts there that I've been promised.  She's convinced herself that I have loads of money that I just spend selfishly on myself.  I don't.  I've only just cleared my overdraft thanks to a bonus I got from work but I pay for almost all of our expenses, run a car on top of this as well as buying her a fair proportion of the wine she drinks.  I hate being in debt and want to keep out of my overdraft but to me it almost seems that she may use the money as a way of getting hold of her share my bonus.

I'm not sure how I should proceed.  I want to go on this holiday as the kids are looking forward to it but don't want to just throw my money away either.  I'm tempted to start paying my £10 a week into my own savings account so I can at least keep control of that money and use it for a different holiday if we can't afford the one we've booked.

 


 

[Yaffle]

Sorry.  I may be posting quite a lot in here for a while.  I've not been on for a while as I've lots going on with work and family and things I've been building up at home with my uBPD gf.

We've promised to take the kids abroad on holiday this year.  I was reluctant to make any promises at first as we aren't in the best position financially but fair play gf did get us a pretty good deal and now its booked but I estimate we are going to need at least £2,000 to cover all the cost and don't want to suddenly find that it all falls on me as I earn the most when it comes down to the final payments or find that we can't afford it and the money we've paid so far is wasted.

To change my mind she said she'd pay in a lump sum towards it if I did, her mum has promised to pay £600 towards it (very nice of her) and she wants us both to put in £10 a week into a cash jar we have.  On top of this we already pay £60 and £40 each into a savings account.  We are going in August and at the moment have -

£350 in the cash jar
£320 in the savings account
£150 deposit paid
£200 in my savings acount

So that's just under half of what we need.  My worries are that I've not seen any sign of the £600 from her mum and she (while still paying in the £10pw) has said she is struggling to afford to cope on her wages at present and as a consequence can't pay her £200.  And now she has decided to take the kids away for a night! I've no idea how she is paying for that or her £10pw.  I'm worried that her mum has already given her the £600 or some of it and she is using it to fund her payments and when it come to paying for the holiday and our spending money there won't be the amounts there that I've been promised.  She's convinced herself that I have loads of money that I just spend selfishly on myself.  I don't.  I've only just cleared my overdraft thanks to a bonus I got from work but I pay for almost all of our expenses, run a car on top of this as well as buying her a fair proportion of the wine she drinks.  I hate being in debt and want to keep out of my overdraft but to me it almost seems that she may use the money as a way of getting hold of her share my bonus.

I'm not sure how I should proceed.  I want to go on this holiday as the kids are looking forward to it but don't want to just throw my money away either.  I'm tempted to start paying my £10 a week into my own savings account so I can at least keep control of that money and use it for a different holiday if we can't afford the one we've booked.

 


 

[formflier]

How much would you loose if you don't go on what is booked? 

In other words... will you loose a deposit.

Write out in great detail what your pwBPD proposed... .go over it a couple time and make sure you have it right.

I would ask her directly if taking the kids away for a night affects her ability to be on track with "her proposal" (don't  get into details... her proposal... she knows)

Respect her decision either way.

It's always smart for you to put back savings... .please do so.  It's rarely wise to use those savings to "save" a pwBPD from themselves.

So... .my guess is the best play if the money doesn't show up... .is that the booked vacation goes away.

Don't own any of it... .just express disappointment her plans didn't come through... .since they sounded so wonderful.

We'll have to practice here so there is no blame... .yet you leave her with responsibility (or her Mom if Mom backs out).

A hint for future years.  Save money for vacation.  When it comes time to plan and buy... .buy the vacation you can afford... .no the one you "plan to afford".

With BPD involved... what happens to plans?

FF

[formflier]

What is deadline for getting the 150 deposit back?  Or is it gone?

FF

[Yaffle]

In between a rock and a hard place really.  I'm really keen to take the kids there as there so excited but if we can't go I want to be able to take them somewhere.  It doesn't help that her mum pays for gf and kids to have a week away every year (a place I've been to loads of times and would rather spend my holiday somewhere else) so if we dontvgo It will be 'mummy took you on holiday but daddy won't ' 

[Yaffle]

Last year she spent our holiday spending money,some on herself and some on family expenses but with out telling me so I ended up paying for it with money me and my mum had saved to buy the kids a shed and now she keeps bringing up now I've stolen the kids money

[formflier]

Last year she spent our holiday spending money,some on herself and some on family expenses but with out telling me so I ended up paying for it with money me and my mum had saved to buy the kids a shed and now she keeps bringing up now I've stolen the kids money

Which is why a clear written plan is important... .

So... .don't do this again... .  She spends her planned money... .that ruins something... .he is left holding the bag. 
No rescue

FF

[Yaffle]

I've put a spreadsheet together with a plan of what we're meant to be saving.  Hopefully it will encourage her to try and save but will also help me keep track of what's being saved