I just keep telling her I don't want to listen about this guy and its your life

[Struggler123]

I have posted here before as well. I apologize if this redundant, but I feel like I'm blindsided and I need the experts opinion. I apologize if this post is very long, I would be grateful if you could read it all, because I'd want you to know the whole story.

I used to like this girl a lot, initially we were friends and then I told her I liked her, at the moment she didn't like me, but then right before I was leaving to move halfway across the country for my career. She said she would like to be together and that this would be good for us. So we were together, long distance and it was amazing. We were together for 6 months, and then she would suddenly get mad at me for no reason, and it was just arguments for no reason. I would give her, her space and then she would be back to normal. She said she hated being alone, and then she sent me letters, and said she was going through depression and wanted everything to end. I was halfway across the country, and it was too much for me to handle, I made sure she had the right help that she needed and acted as a support system for her, but I was starting to feel hurt so I detached myself, and went no contact for 2 months, once I knew she was better. She couldn't handle it, and found every possible way to contact me, and then she came to see me, and I couldn't be upset anymore, and I let it go. We were together again, and it was great. Then before leaving, she was persistent on some sort of commitment, a ring, or a proposal and meeting my family. I felt like that this was all being rushed, and I was not ready for all that simply because I don't have a set career and i'm still trying to find myself, and once I am secured I would consider it. She didn't understand that, and she was persistent in every way possible. Eventually, I gave up and I told her that if she couldn't respect my idea of marriage that I can't do this anymore. She was like at least lets be back together, and I was like if we're focusing on the moment then I understand, but if your persistent on marriage within the next 6 months or a deadline, I don't think its a good idea. After that, suddenly she told me that she was getting an arrange marriage because shes coming of age, and how long could she possibly wait for me, and she wanted my permission. So I told her that if this guy will keep you happy, and give you the best you deserve, then say yes. I really did mean that, and this was 3 days before I left. Now shes still calling me and telling me she still has feelings for me and she can't do this, and can't do that, and I just keep telling her that I don't want to listen about this guy and its your life. If you expect me to be friends with you, then thats wrong, because I need time to heal as well. But, for some odd reason I get the feeling that this guy maybe doesn't exist, or even if he does. I just don't understand how you can tell me you love me and then get into this, and then expect to keep contact me.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on what to do, I would've given the relationship a chance, but the persistence was too much, I can't give a commitment because I'm not ready, and I sometimes feel like if she can't respect that, she will push boundaries one after another.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for all those that have helped me before.

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[Struggler123]

Please someone help.

[once removed]

hi Struggler123,

so it sounds like youve established that you want to walk away from a romantic relationship, that youre open to a friendship, but not to being a sounding board for her possible (if it exists) relationship. do i have that right?

i think youve pretty much said all you can say, and been as clear as you can be. shes not heeding it, and she may continue not to heed it.

what do you think about telling her that you need some space (you can put a limit on it or not) and then taking that space, not responding to her efforts?

[Struggler123]

hi Struggler123,

so it sounds like youve established that you want to walk away from a romantic relationship, that youre open to a friendship, but not to being a sounding board for her possible (if it exists) relationship. do i have that right?

i think youve pretty much said all you can say, and been as clear as you can be. shes not heeding it, and she may continue not to heed it.

what do you think about telling her that you need some space (you can put a limit on it or not) and then taking that space, not responding to her efforts?

Well the truth is I still have feelings for her and I would like to try again at a r/s, but I am not ready for marriage. She now tells me that shes getting married to this guy, and still expects me to be the same way I was with her in the form of a "friend", and that she loves me e.tc. I told her I needed some space, and she said how much time do you need for this. Eventually I told her to just block me because this is the only way I know how, so she blocked me and told me she loves me and I blocked her too, but I feel so empty inside and I don't want to feel this way. I sometimes wish this marriage thing was a lie.

[once removed]

you werent ready for marriage. she pushed. you ended things.

i think you did the right thing, for both of you. sometimes doing the right thing is doing the hardest thing.

[Struggler123]

you werent ready for marriage. she pushed. you ended things.

i think you did the right thing, for both of you. sometimes doing the right thing is doing the hardest thing.

It certainly is that way, if she would have been more patient, I could have thought about us having a future, but I suppose what i'm trying to figure out is, why is she still trying to be friends knowing that she is going to be with someone else (assuming there really is this guy). Do you think I'm at fault for trying to work out the relationship? I just couldn't do the marriage thing, or should I have done the marriage thing.

[once removed]

sometimes two people want different things. sometimes the "things", and the differences, are significant enough to be deal breakers and its best for both parties to find someone more compatible.

my ex pressed me to move in. i wasnt up for it. she took it badly, but she didnt continue to push for it. had she continued to push, it wouldnt have been fair to her, or to me for us to continue.

or should I have done the marriage thing.

marriage is a serious commitment. its a vow, and its "till death do us part". its not something you take lightly or that you should be pressured into.

what you "should" do is live your boundaries in accordance to your values. it sounds to me like you did that.

why is she still trying to be friends knowing that she is going to be with someone else

one answer might be that people with BPD traits struggle with letting go, and tend to have blurry boundaries. also, because she can; youre letting her.

bottom line, dont leave this to her, to do the right thing, or to heed your requests to stop talking about another guy. youll just wind up more frustrated. do what you need to do.

what do you think that is?

[Struggler123]

sometimes two people want different things. sometimes the "things", and the differences, are significant enough to be deal breakers and its best for both parties to find someone more compatible.

my ex pressed me to move in. i wasnt up for it. she took it badly, but she didnt continue to push for it. had she continued to push, it wouldnt have been fair to her, or to me for us to continue.

marriage is a serious commitment. its a vow, and its "till death do us part". its not something you take lightly or that you should be pressured into.

what you "should" do is live your boundaries in accordance to your values. it sounds to me like you did that.

one answer might be that people with BPD traits struggle with letting go, and tend to have blurry boundaries. also, because she can; youre letting her.

bottom line, dont leave this to her, to do the right thing, or to heed your requests to stop talking about another guy. youll just wind up more frustrated. do what you need to do.

what do you think that is?

Thank you for setting me straight, I needed that. I guess I became so lost in the lust, I began to doubt myself. I was just upset that I was being replaced, especially since she says things like he reminds me so much of you. But I just didn't want to be angry anymore, I felt a certain way about her and I think its because I blame myself that things didn't work out. It's hard for me to stay away but its hard to be constantly reminded that your being replaced. Worst part is that she told me I should get help, and that I am overreacting. I think I need to move on because the truth is she's never going to respect boundaries, and I'm just a pushover.

[SunandMoon]

Do you think I'm at fault for trying to work out the relationship? I just couldn't do the marriage thing, or should I have done the marriage thing.

Hi Struggler123, no I don't think you're at fault. As onceremoved said, marriage is a serious commitment. You shouldn't rush into it if you're not 100% sure, nor should you let anyone try to pressure or manipulate you into it. Well done for sticking to your values!

After that, suddenly she told me that she was getting an arrange marriage because shes coming of age... .

This sounds like a cultural thing. Is she from a different culture where her family will arrange a marriage for her once she has reached a certain age?

If so, it seems she was hoping you would marry her so she could avoid an arranged marriage. That's understandable, especially if she loved you.

It's a complicated situation. You sound like you still have feelings for her, Struggler, but if it is a cultural thing, the marriage will go ahead and the situation will become much worse. It sounds like you did the right thing by going no contact. A very hard situation... .I'm sorry it happened to you.

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler123, no I don't think you're at fault. As onceremoved said, marriage is a serious commitment. You shouldn't rush into it if you're not 100% sure, nor should you let anyone try to pressure or manipulate you into it. Well done for sticking to your values!

This sounds like a cultural thing. Is she from a different culture where her family will arrange a marriage for her once she has reached a certain age?

If so, it seems she was hoping you would marry her so she could avoid an arranged marriage. That's understandable, especially if she loved you.

It's a complicated situation. You sound like you still have feelings for her, Struggler, but if it is a cultural thing, the marriage will go ahead and the situation will become much worse. It sounds like you did the right thing by going no contact. A very hard situation... .I'm sorry it happened to you.

It was by far the hardest thing I had to do, because I did have feelings for her, but she was pressing on the marriage very hard. She had like a whole plan like, put a ring on it then after 6 months we'll do this or that, and I just wasn't prepared for all of that. Yes in terms of culture, they always say girls should get married after theyve completed college. She says she still loves me but thats what makes it so much more harder. Thank you, I am just trying to figure myself out, but I just feel like its unfair to be put at an ultimatum like that, and now when I choose to not be friends because I don't want to hear about the new guy, I feel like i'm at fault. Considering im a fresh college graduate, I was no where ready to be married.