My adoptive parents were abusive, I’ve not assessed it beyond that

[JNChell]

Hello, all! I haven’t posted on this board much, yet, but I have something on my mind that I’d like to put out here. As this thread topic states, I was adopted and I was abused by the adopters. I’m in therapy now with a trauma specialist (psychologist), and there is great synergy when I’m on the couch. She’s well aware of my childhood/adolescence, and is well aware of Cluster B’s. I find comfort in this because she’s one more person that gets it. Besides this forum, it’s a rarity to find that out here.

I’m posting this because I’ve never really made an objective attempt at a real understanding of why my parents abused me. I know some tidbits of their childhoods that would definitely fit the mold, but I’d like to place my thoughts here in hopes of feedback and experiences that might help me make a little more sense of it all.

My mother-Highly physically and emotionally abusive. Raged frequently. She couldn’t control herself at times in both aspects. My father had to pull her off of me at times. She was highly dramatic. She had the most responsibility of anyone in the household. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, setting appointments, managing finances, shopping, caretaker to my father + 2 kids, vet appointments for the dogs... .basically everything that was day to day responsibilities. The only thing I was ever told about her adolescence was from my father, and it was hard to believe him much of the time. I was told that he was shunned when my mother started dating him, and after they got married, her mom (my grandma) didn’t speak to her for a year. From what I was told, my grandfather would sneak away to visit my mom during this time. My dad also made comments of my mom being hit with a broom (objects) when they were young. Like I said, my dad was a master story teller and embellisher. Maybe he was truthful about those events.

My father-Total manipulator and victim. Most of the harsh abuse was doled out by mom, but he could create pure terror when he wanted. Some of the events involved pointing loaded firearms at me and himself, and once trying to hand me a loaded firearm while stating that I should do the family a favor. He was completely reliant on my mom. He couldn’t cook, do laundry or even manage his own prescribed medication. He was a hypochondriac. He was very much about his image. Mostly through vehicles. He had a very high paying blue collar job, mom made decent money to supplement, but there were always money troubles due to his image addiction. New Tahoe, new Cadillac, new Corvette/Corvettes at all times. Just an example. After he died, I was told by his side of the family that he was completely babied by his mother. I was told that it went as far as my grandma driving him to school, and passing his sister, who was made to walk to school, along the way. It’s hard to fathom. My grandma was my best friend when I was little. The thing is, is it makes too much sense now after learning what I have. This crap is multigenerational.

This is a long post. If you’ve read it, thank you. My curiosity is, I have very strong reasons to believe that my parents relationship was BPD mom with NPD dad. I’m not seeking the diagnosis stuff, but I’ve never quite processed the chaos. Behavior is behavior regardless of a label. I’m wondering if anyone on this board has any insight or input on this. Thanks!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell, 

Glad you stopped over to our magnificent board! This is definitely the place to pose the questions you did and to look at how our childhoods have affected us now that we are adults. There is a great list to the right hand side that may help you to make a bit of sense of the struggle. ---->>

It's hard to hear that your childhood was so tough and relentless. No child should ever have to go through that. I can only imagine how much you wanted to belong to a family when you were adopted, and then to go through this.  Here's a heartfelt hug for you.   

I hear you wanting to make sense of your family, and I think we all want to do that. Sometimes we need to make sense of it so that we can get on with our life. I've wanted to understand so that I could try to figure out why my parents did what they did, and I've also needed to know how it made me who I am. How do you feel your increased understanding will help you? I'm glad you are on this journey to heal the wounded places. 

How vivid are those memories with guns-I have them too. I cannot ever imagine such a thing taking place with my grandchildren, yet you and I as children did go through that horrible experience. I'm so sorry. Before my dad passed away, I asked him if he remembered the situations with the guns when he threatened to kill himself, and he did not. In fact he cried and said he was so sorry. I think he was so caught up in the moments when he and my uBPDm would fight that he probably blocked off those memories. They sure remained in the memories of my siblings and I, just like with you.

I'm really glad you are working with a trauma T.  That's going to help you a lot as you unload and process these things. Keep sharing with us!

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, Woolspinner2000! Thanks for responding! This is indeed a magnificent board!

How do you feel your increased understanding will help you?
I feel like it would help me humanize it all a little more. They did inhumane things to me, but there were reasons behind it. I posted a while back about eventually forgiving them. I’m not really concerned about that anymore. I can’t forgive the dead. I can, however, come to terms with it all.

How vivid are those memories with guns-I have them too.
Very. I don’t have dreams or flashbacks, but the memories are plain as day. I’d say they’re etched into my mind.

Woolspinner2000, thank you for posting. Do your memories still trigger you, or have you found peace in all of that?

I’m guessing that as my therapy continues, I’ll be on this board more and more. Thanks for the support.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell and welcome to this side of the boards!

What is it about guns and the mentally ill?  I can still hear my mother, almost whispering her rage and fear saying "See that gun Harri?  I have it here because of you"  In her paranoid delusion she thought I was evil and was afraid of me.  <sighs>  

Do you remember before you were adopted?  It is so heartbreaking to know the people who chose you were so flawed and unable to cherish you.  I hope you realize whatever it was that caused them to abuse had nothing to do with you.  That was their flaw and their limitation.  I mention that because so many of us either don't know that or know it intellectually but not in our gut.  It is that disconnect that is so hard to overcome.    

I only had a few details about my parents childhood to work with.  My mom's was pretty tough but my dad's seemed okay.  anyway, as time passed and I began working on me I was able to piece things together and connect their behavior with me and my brother to certain things that seemed so normal or innocuous when I first heard them.  Things start to make sense and form a clearer picture as time goes on.  For me, I say the puzzle became less puzzling but more disturbing.  

The behaviors you describe certainly sound disordered.  BPD and NPD work for me and can serve as a framework of sorts.  Over time new understanding may change that but for now, if they work stick with them.

Good to have you here.  Keep posting.  You know we get it here and can help you sort through things as you process.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri! Thank you for responding.

What is it about guns and the mentally ill?  I can still hear my mother, almost whispering her rage and fear saying "See that gun Harri?  I have it here because of you"  In her paranoid delusion she thought I was evil and was afraid of me.  <sighs> 

That is a truly frightening testimony, Harri. I’m sorry that you had to endure that.  The thing is, you did.

I don’t combine the mentally ill with firearms. I enjoy firearms. What I have noticed is that some mentally ill folks can and will weaponize anything at their disposal. Technically, scientifically, I’m currently mentally ill. I have a CPTSD/PTSD diagnosis. That qualifies as a mental illness. Fortunately, the prognosis is good. I’m receptive to any diagnosis that comes my way, and I’m ready to grab it by the horns.

Do you remember before you were adopted?
I don’t. To the best of my knowledge, I was in an orphanage until I was around 11 months. It was a Catholic orphanage. I have to assume that I was held and caressed by some caring nuns during this time. If not? Who knows.

Being abused by adopters is still, and will probably always be, hard to wrap my head around. For an unknown reason, my parents were unable to conceive. I have to assume that upholding an image and presentation played a big factor in it all. 

[Harri]

Yikes.  It was not my intention to make a generalization about mentally ill and or fire arms.  It was seeing you, then Wools, knowing my story and that of several others who were threatened in some way with guns that prompted my statement.  Fire away I say... .as long as you can be responsible.  Want an arsenal?  Go for it... .as long as you can be responsible.

I asked about being adopted because I know of a couple of posters who were adopted at young ages and can remember it, but not quite as young as you. 

anyway, good luck to you as you unravel the layers of your childhood.  We can listen as you work your way through.

Be well.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry, Harri! I didn’t make the connection. I get it now.
No worries. I see where you were coming from now.

[Harri]

   It is all good.  No need for apologies at all.  I should have been more sensitive about such a hot topic, hence my use of the word Yikes.   My apologies!    I have PTSD too but no guns tho I have been to a firing range several times.

As long as we can communicate it is all good.  

Do you have any relatives that can shed light on some of the things that happened?  Once in a while I wish I could ask someone.  A lifelong friend of my mother's might be able to shed some light on her behavior and mental illness, but I am always hesitant to ask.  She would be in her 80's now and I do not want make her feel uncomfortable.  :)istant cousins might know a bit, but I would not even know how to reach them.  Can barely remember their names.  

Seriously, I hope you keep posting and digging.  The work you can do here can be so rewarding.

[JNChell]

Anything is possible, but I’d take my chances on talking to an elder. She might be glad to share information with you. Is she still of sound mind? I say go for it. I think you should. Just be gentle with the approach. Know what I mean?

[JNChell]

Old folks have already been through life. Many of them have probably made their way through without a resource like this. I make it a point to listen to elderly folks. We can determine the logical ones from the emotional ones.

[Turkish]

I'm adopted also JNChell, by a borderline mother,  it turned out.  My birth parents were addicts.  I have faint memories of foster care,  none of my bio parents. One of them may have broken my nose as a baby.  The ENT docs and my RN mother suspected it.  I was shy and withdrawn into my own world (still am the latter!).

My mom told me things about her childhood.  I had no reason to doubt.  I finally found out even more at 44 years of age two years ago when she was living with us.  Horrific.  Stated matter of factually.

Why did they abuse you? That's the top level question. Deeper is why they treated you the way they did when through the adoption process to get you,  an abandoned child, and treated you the way that they did.  Do you question this as I do?

My mom suffers from PTSD, depression, BPD, and her self-diagnosed anorexia. That is her.  I am me.  I understand why she suffers.  It's still hard to understand the "why" of my childhood.  She had a problem with men.  I get it.  Still no excuse. I wasn't her father.  Like my ex,  I wasn't her father.  I told her this once. "I know you're not my father!" Later, "you abandoned me.  If felt just like my father!" She did have a point,  but I'm pretty sure I'm not really her father.  My ex told our T she didn't trust men... .again, just get it,  but it's no excuse for hurting people. 

As a grown man,  I can take it.  As a child,  it's a whole other story. Here,  we were all children once, and I'm glad that you are posting here for support JNChell. *man hug*

[JNChell]

Turkish,
Thank you for the post. I’m sorry about your upbringing, but grateful to relate. You seem pretty centered now. How did you stake your claim there?

I started out very shy as well. Lately, I am withdrawn into my own space. I live with my best friend, and barely see him.

Why did they abuse you? That's the top level question. Deeper is why they treated you the way they did when through the adoption process to get you,  an abandoned child, and treated you the way that they did.  Do you question this as I do?

I certainly do question it. I was abused because they were (not raised right). They suffered their own stuff. I get it, kind of. Honestly though, Turkish, I can’t wrap my mind around it at this point.

[JNChell]

How does a couple adopt children to eventually cause them harm? Is it an insatiable need for supply? Is it a wedge between the BPD and the NPD? A buffer? Does the punching bag create space for these two people to remain together?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

Woolspinner2000, thank you for posting. Do your memories still trigger you, or have you found peace in all of that?

Thank you for asking! Yes, they do still trigger me, but as I work through them and process them, they don't trigger me anymore. It takes time to unpack all the memories we buried deeply and never wanted to look at again. Understand that there is a reason we hid them, because we couldn't process them very well as a child.

Let's pause a moment to look at Step 4 to the side of the board and I'll quote a portion below:

REMEMBERING [Step 4]: This step represents the major task of the first stage of recovery and may require the most time to accomplish. Often, survivors of extreme and prolonged abuse will need to return to this step again and again as new recollections of the same or additional episodes of abuse surface. This step essentially involves going through the memories of your abuse and expressing them at bpdfamily.com, to trusted friends, supporters or your therapist in as much detail as you can remember and to the extent appropriate for your listener(s). If at all possible, we encourage you to find a therapist before beginning work on this step. If this is not possible, this is the time to strengthen your support network and continue your participation in bpdfamily.com.

... .This step likely will be very difficult to achieve because it means returning in your mind to the scene of the crime. But this time you can have all of the control you need. The experience will not be as painful or scary as when you were a child. Remember that you are dealing with memories, not present reality. Move slowly, step by step, memory by memory so that you can manage the feelings and share your reactions with your therapist and trusted members of your support system.

Take your time! You'll get through them one by one. I've found that while it really stinks to go back, it's in the going back that we can go forward.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Thank you, Wools.

[Turkish]

How does a couple adopt children to eventually cause them harm? Is it an insatiable need for supply? Is it a wedge between the BPD and the NPD? A buffer? Does the punching bag create space for these two people to remain together?

Sorry for the late reply,  JNChell... . 

Speaking for my own experience, and having had over 40 years to process this,  I think that my mother really did love me.  Add she said decades later, when I mentioned something I thought innocuous,  that I didn't like the peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches she used to pack for school lunches, she cried,  "I did the best I could do!" Trigger episode 

Or, she one night said out of the blue when I was 37, "I only may have abused you once." This was the time she was raging at me so badly that I had a seizure and fell to the ground.  Luckily it was on hard pack dirt, not rocks or pavement. She took me to the doctor and was nicer to me for a few weeks. I was 14.

Given her perspective, she didn't whip me bloody, put my head into the wall to dent the sheetrock  (as her father did to her brothers), nor rape me (as he did to her and her sister). I believed all that she told me because she told me matter of factually, not to gain sympathy, and I finally heard more in my early 40s. Horrible stuff. It doesn't make it right,  but her point of view was different.

I won't go as far to say that it provides me comfort,  not at all,  but it gives me a data point from which to judge her,  then judge me.

Given the numerous "daughters" "sons" and "families" my mother "adopted" After I became an adult and left, I realized that my mother was a Rescuer... .maybe for those because she couldn't "rescue" herself.  All of those relationships turned out badly or died off, by the way. I was the only constant.