Peace was nice while it lasted

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I was working and didn't look at my phone for an hour, and when I did my daughter had called me 10 times and sent me a bunch of messages and voicemails cussing me out for not picking up my phone. What's super irritating is that she never has a real phone so she calls me on facebook. And for some reason FB was showing that I was active on messenger (when I obviously was not). So she assumed I was ignoring her.

I really thought we were past that. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. I have never ignored one of her calls for more than 5 minutes, and that is just to catch my breath before I have to talk to her.

I tried checking on her the other day after she called to tell me she had strep or mono, and she never responded. And then she expects me to just instantly be available the second she needs me.

What's super creepy is every time (literally every time) she has gone off the deep end in the last 9 months I had a sort of premonition that day. About 2 hours ago I had a sinking feeling and my heart started pounding for no reason, and I thought, oh sh**. And here we are.

I'm grateful for you all and that this board is here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi there.  How frustrating that must be and especially when facebook is being a jerk     I don't use facebook but when I did I refused to install messenger as it was frequently saying I was on when I wasn't or that I was available to chat. 

Have you tried setting a boundary around phone calls, at least at work?  Perhaps limiting how many calls you will accept?  If your daughter is used to you always calling her back within 5 minutes she for sure is going to jump to the wrong conclusion especially when she is dysregulating.  Would you be able to use this situation as a way to transition to  fewer answered calls?

Just trying to find a positive (for you) in this very difficult situation. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for responding and for your suggestions. I wasn't very clear, I'm sorry. I was actually at home doing work, she rarely calls me these days. I meant that if I see her calling I will call her back but she used to call me so much that I don't often keep my phone with me anymore. Eventually she stopped calling so much.

I do hate fb. That is often the only way she can contact me so I've kept it.

I wish I could look forward to hearing from her. Maybe someday...

[Harri]

I see.  Sorry, I should have researched your situation further back than I did.  Darn it though!  I thought I had a great solution for your situation.   

HB, is it the hope that she had moved beyond this that makes today so frustrating?  I don't normally post on this board but I do read here a lot.  The back and forth, steps forward and backwards seem so disappointing to say the least. 

[Lollypop]

Hi HB

It’s infuriating isn’t it. I can’t see around this if you aren’t attached to your phone (I’m envious!) or your daughter doesn’t have access to a one. Sorry, I can’t remember how far away your daughter lives.

she expects me to just instantly be available the second she needs me

Yes, nail hit right on the head.

Right now she’s reacting.

In our earlier “healing relationship” phase - Son27 used to call quite a bit to vent about his problems. Maybe looking for some TLC and validation. I didn’t always take the call - a slow movement towards detaching by me. I’d follow up with a text a bit later “I’m xxx” holding text.

I guess the consequence of your daughter not having a phone is that she can’t always get hold of you. This is a problem for her to resolve. Easy words for me to write!  

Viewing this latest episode for what it is, a consequence, may help you. You’ve done the right thing!  Thanks for posting because it’s this type of interaction that cause us all such drama if we let it.

Hugs

LP

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Harri,

Yeah I think you're right, it's been a long time since she's done that. I tried responding to her but she didn't write back. I guess the first thing that pops into my head is her blocking me at some point and cutting me out, which to be honest I feel ambivalent about. It's hard to admit that.

Hi LP,
You're right, I actually do text her often and say "can't talk, busy with xx." I do try to respond in some way though so she doesn't escalate like last night.

The last time this happened a couple years ago she was living much closer and had just moved out, so still had a house key. My husband and I were in the middle of a really serious talk and she burst through the front door raging. I find myself really glad that she can't drive and doesn't have a car. I do  not ever want her showing up at my house uninvited.

[bluek9]

  Hi HB, :-)

          Holy cow, I thought I was the only one who had to snap to instantaneously for the phone. Makes me wish often I didn't have to have one, and she lives with me. It's taken years of practice and meltdowns to get to where we are now. It still frustrates the hell out of her that I have to go to work everyday. So if she calls and I don't pick up then she texts, if I don't respond she calls me on the work phone. We go through this whole process: I tell her if I don't pick up or answer your text I'm busy. When she calls the work phone she now has come to (or been trained to) the understanding that she needs to ask me if I'm busy. If I say yes, mostly she will wait on me to call back. But oh my goodness why do we have to go through all the rigamarole?
       Any way I hear you, I'm right there with you. Frustration is always in the fore front. Thanks for sharing.

         

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi BlueK9,

It is so frustrating! Especially the work thing. My daughter used to call me at work constantly. She lost her phone and all her contacts about a year ago and I just never gave her the work numbers again. I am also not allowed to have my cell phone in my building so I make it a point to walk out and check my phone a couple times a day to see if she's called, but it gives me peace and control over it. It has helped soo much.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I sent her messages yesterday morning to say that thinking I was ignoring her must have been infuriating and hurtful. And that I wouldn't do that; iff she's calling and sending me messages that she needs help and it's urgent, I'm not going to sit and watch my phone blow up and do nothing. She doesn't call me often anymore. I find it disturbing that she thinks I would do something like that. If she did it constantly that would be one thing but she doesn't.

She hasn't responded to my messages so either she is still mad and doesn't believe me or she's really embarrassed. My husband says I just need to let it go. It's still bothering me but I'll try.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

She messaged me today to apologize! And she started a class for an alcohol server certification online that I paid for last June. Progress!