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Author Topic: Bracing myself for an impact  (Read 1085 times)
snowglobe
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« Reply #60 on: April 16, 2018, 11:40:02 AM »

Lean on your T to figure out the best time to have the GPS discussion.

I am much more interested in him stopping insulting you... .than I am stopping him from "watching" you drive around town.

So... .perhaps something to work with T on is some roleplay on offering a compromise.

Trust him to take it or not. 

"You know babe... .I feel hurt when you watch me drive around town... .yet still insult me and accuse me.  I want you to feel confident our relationship and I want to free from the effects of insults and accusations.  I hope we can come together and figure out a way to do this that works for both of us."

FF
My T sessions are via Skype, she specializes in high conflict resolutions. I was able to identify my biggest triggers and weaknesses while preparing for the session. Fear of abandonment constantly reinforced by - if you don’t do/act/think the way I want you to, I will leave you, divorce you, leave you broken and impoverished. Inability to simultaneously “do good for him” and myself. Whenever I do me, he flips out and does something to sabotage it so I attend to his needs, kids are his strongest and post potent weapon. Impulsive priority/value/morals and believe shift (doing blow one week, seeking the “right church” the other week. Low self esteem on my part, inability to see any value, strength, goodness in myself, thus making it a very scary thought of being alone. Son’s disability, need for constant treatment, daughter’s professional career, also large amounts of subsidy needed to continue. Today I will work on Fear and Trust. I want to trust that there is goodness and love, and compassion left in me to share with those that are close and dear to me. I want to trust that there is a person who needs just the qualities and values that I posses without robbing me of my dignity. I trust that my children will be ok, somehow, and that they will find it in their hearts to forgive me for not fighting for our family. I want to trust that the police and the court system will protect me When he beggin to really turn on the heat. I want to trust that support groups, mental health professionals, friends will support me in a quest of become mentally stable. I pray and hope that members of this forum will provide me with tools and emotional support to pull through. I will trust my body to do what it’s supposed to do to pull me through each day at a time
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       “Aimer, ce n’est pas se regarder l’un l’autre, c’est regarder ensemble dans la même direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
formflier
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« Reply #61 on: April 16, 2018, 11:47:43 AM »


While we certainly can't predict the future... .I would also discuss with your T what "most" high conflict personalities do... when they try to carry out a threat.

"Most" will say something like "I'm leaving you for a year... .during that year you will fix yourself" (paraphrase from another thread)

What actually happened was the wife took the kid, left for a night or two... and then returned "like nothing ever happened" a couple days later.

The "bluff" was called.

In this instance the member stayed calm... expressed sadness and clarity of not agreeing... .but acknowledged that everyone makes their own decisions.

So... yes... .trust in the court system is important, but understand that the likelihood of it getting to that is not nearly what you "fear" it is.

Most threats are "hot air" when the bluff is called. 

Note:  Knowing you as I do, I would suggest you need practice and tools before you start "calling bluffs".

FF
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babyducks
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« Reply #62 on: April 16, 2018, 12:06:32 PM »

If a person is going to these lengths to know my whereabouts at all times I can see the levels of his fear and anxiety.

Snowglobe,

You are not responsible for his emotions.

Not at any level.    Not in any way.

You are not responsible for creating his anxiety.    You are not responsible for fixing his anxiety.  You are a separate person from your husband.  It's his business to take care of himself.

I'm going to repeat what was said earlier.

Stop care taking the borderline.

When he called to ask where you were,  he already knew.    Your mother had told him.    D14 had told him.   The GPS had told him.    You told him.    Twice.   

The conversation wasn't about where you were.  It was something else.  And even D14 could tell something was wacky about the last phone call.

I said stop following him off the cliff when he works a conversation to the edge.

FF said stop poking around in the wound.

I would suggest you slow down your response.

"I'm going to think about this "

"Let me get back to you "

"Wow that's an idea I've never thought about"

Slow things down.
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snowglobe
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« Reply #63 on: April 16, 2018, 02:22:40 PM »

Dear @babyducks and @formflier
I want to thank you for your support and ongoing coaching. It’s certainly helps me to separate myself from BPD reality. Today during the session with T few things bubbled up to the surface, which I want to share and help to analyze for next session:
1. Based on my shared experience with the therapist she believes that he is constantly relieving his childhood traumatic experience and locks both of us in a triangle. To precise- he shared with me witnessing his father physically abusing his mother on occasion, not frequent enough to be “domestic violence” ( in his own words), but a few enough to remember him throwing himself at dad, trying to protect mom from being pushed, showed and slapped around. He too, got a frequent beating from his dad. I personally witnessed regular character association of his mother (words like shut the f. Up, you are stupid, I need to find a young replacement) are common things to throw at the family gathering. I wonder whAt happens behind the close door... .being raised in the environment like that with disrespect, poor impulse control, or complete absence of such, created a familiar dysfunction that he doesn’t completely satisfy in our relationships. Thus, the triangle works as such-> he dysregulates based on outside trigger-> he becomes abusive toward me (punishing)-> he ampts up the volume when I hold my own, or don’t react-> I finally break down, he sees me as victim (identifies with his mom) feels a compulsive need to protect me and make it better-> becomes a rescuer-> feels guilty-> becomes a victim- > depression and self destructive thoughts-> I become the rescuer and we go back to baseline... .wow... .totally makes sense. From my threads here, does it pain the same picture?
He solution is to “act as if” broken down already, more sympathetic response the better, physical showing of emotions - tearing up, speeds up the cycle. If he gets no reaction from me, he moves on to d14 which is far worse.
There isn’t any short term fix, based on totalitarian approach to finances and my physical location he won’t make the exit easy. Any change of behaviour outside of what has been conditioned will be seen as a threat and controlling will amplify. He suggestion, is don’t put your finger on a trigger until you are ready.
Childhood fear that his mom will abandon him, because of what his dad was doing is relived again and again. She encourages me to take small steps of independence, slowly and not drastically, in order to get him used to a change. Job search needs to be very conspicuous, notified only upon confirmation. She sees him trying to sabotage any instance of me trying to regain my separate identity (after I told her about him calling me during my exam, because he was on a bad mood, that I didn’t massage his feet in the morning or the fact that he didn’t bring s10 to school in resentment. Police called me because he wasn’t picking up the phone, and finally they came knocking on the door to make sure that s10 was well and find out the reason why he didn’t make it to school? UBPDh claimed that it was all my fault that he couldn’t find the snow pants. Thus, all the while I was trying to write the exam I had him, school and police trying to call me). She is suggesting to maintain my safety boundary, while providing him with reactions he craves, for now. As a short term strategy it will keep me safe, and children relatively unharmed. Long term, she again expressed that she fears for my safety during the exit. With his compulsions of “punishing me” ( expressed this morning, “hurting me”, getting ready for “mental torture”, all progressive signs of possible physical danger.
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formflier
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« Reply #64 on: April 16, 2018, 02:34:15 PM »

  Any change of behaviour outside of what has been conditioned will be seen as a threat and controlling will amplify. He suggestion, is don’t put your finger on a trigger until you are ready.

  She encourages me to take small steps of independence, slowly and not drastically, in order to get him used to a change.

 

This seems very wise!

I would add... .and ask you to confirm with your T my next advice.

Picking one thing every so often to change is likely best.  Think it through ahead of time, then once you change it... .don't go back.  If he threatens and gets what he wants... .that will embolden him.

Part of "conditioning him" is to get him used to you "meaning business" when you do things.  Right now... he knows he can roll you.

Second thing:  Did you witness his Mom being talked to this way... .or where YOU being talked to this way?

FF
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snowglobe
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« Reply #65 on: April 16, 2018, 02:47:00 PM »

This seems very wise!

I would add... .and ask you to confirm with your T my next advice.

Picking one thing every so often to change is likely best.  Think it through ahead of time, then once you change it... .don't go back.  If he threatens and gets what he wants... .that will embolden him.

Part of "conditioning him" is to get him used to you "meaning business" when you do things.  Right now... he knows he can roll you.

Second thing:  Did you witness his Mom being talked to this way... .or where YOU being talked to this way?

FF
I’m trying to think of something I want to begin with, something very saddle, so it won’t be the “new me” moment.
I have personally witnessed emotional abuse, disrespect, talked down to, called names and made rude and ignorant joke (dad to mom e.g. you are so stupid, useless and incapable of doing anything, even driving a car, the whole table laughs, sons and father included) brother speaks to his wife in the same way (e.g. wife- where are you going? Husband- go pick up some chicks. In actuality going boating or fishing or other manly things). Because this practice didn’t stick in our relationships as a regular, other then “I’m gonna go get myself an 18 yo piece of meat” he brings this chaos into our relationships when he dysregulates
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babyducks
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« Reply #66 on: April 16, 2018, 05:13:33 PM »

a couple of thoughts Snowglobe,

first,  wow that's a lot to process.    that's a huge amount of information and some radical shifts in thinking.  I wouldn't blame you if you are a little dizzy from it all.   I'm a little dizzy and I am just reading it.   you've been doing a lot of hard work and wrestling with loaded topics.   Give yourself time to absorb all this.   Think things through carefully.    You've got a lot going on and it's possible that it will take a while to really get these ideas cemented in place.

second,  everyone here has something to offer, the person writing their second post and people who have been here longer.    it would be great to get more input in your threads because the more eyes,  the more we all can learn.


There isn’t any short term fix,... ./... /... .She encourages me to take small steps of independence, slowly and not drastically,

Third, I think this sounds smart to me.    No, there isn't any short term fixes.    This is going to take a while,   and it is going to take small steps of independence as you feel comfortable making them.


  Long term, she again expressed that she fears for my safety during the exit. With his compulsions of “punishing me” ( expressed this morning, “hurting me”, getting ready for “mental torture”, all progressive signs of possible physical danger.

Fourth,  I would be remiss if I didn't mention safety.   bpdfamily is very serious about safety.   every thread has an emergency button and a red safety link in it somewhere.    Safety for your family is number one.    When I was first here I was encouraged to think about safety.   I found I had a lot of incorrect information and half facts.     

Last, for now,  I am going to suggest your break out some of these very large topics and start a new thread with just one topic in it.    It may be safety,   it may be threats and verbal abuse,  it may be protecting the children from dysregulation,  whatever you want.   I would really suggest that you stay with just that one topic,   work your way through it,  glean all the information you can, before you move into the next topic.

'ducks

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