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Author Topic: Trying to start a New Relationship  (Read 441 times)
Struggler123
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« on: May 08, 2018, 01:38:58 AM »

I was just starting to get to know this new girl I met. She was great, and no BPD traits. It felt really nice to meet someone so less dramatic. The only issue was she is a year or two older than me, We were having a smooth conversation via texting and I ended up calling her my teacher jokingly. I realized that at that point she felt hurt, because she took it as if I was trying to call her old, i’m not even sure. But, at that point she was just like its fine I’ll be okay, and I tried to reach out to her and apologized several times, I honestly didn’t mean any harm at all. But, maybe jumping in this after my ex BPD was not a good idea because I feel terrible for the littlest things, and I don’t want to come off as needy and clingy, thats why after calling 2x I thought I’d give her, her space. What would be the best thing to do? I learned so much about BPD, I forgot how a normal relationship works anymore.
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pearlsw
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"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2018, 05:59:05 AM »

Hi Struggler123,

I think your instincts are good here. You apologized and this doesn't sound big (or it shouldn't be) so if I was in your shoes I think I'd let it go. You had no bad intentions, it doesn't sound insulting, and we all step on our toes, and each others, sometimes. It's okay!

Does she seem open to any kind of joking? This will be a time when you get to learn how she is about making up and about letting things go. But it sounds like you need to recover some faith in yourself on these issues too. You've done what you can to repair, perhaps let yourself be confident in that. Now keep moving forward. 

with compassion, pearl.
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Insom
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2018, 11:02:45 AM »

Hi, Struggler123

It sounds like this was a minor, awkward exchange that you've done what you can to smooth over.  I'm with pearlsw.  Your instinct to give her some space is a good one.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I forgot how a normal relationship works anymore.

 I can relate and think it's great you're out there practicing by getting to know new people. 
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Struggler123
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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2018, 01:03:40 PM »

Hi Struggler123,

I think your instincts are good here. You apologized and this doesn't sound big (or it shouldn't be) so if I was in your shoes I think I'd let it go. You had no bad intentions, it doesn't sound insulting, and we all step on our toes, and each others, sometimes. It's okay!

Does she seem open to any kind of joking? This will be a time when you get to learn how she is about making up and about letting things go. But it sounds like you need to recover some faith in yourself on these issues too. You've done what you can to repair, perhaps let yourself be confident in that. Now keep moving forward. 

with compassion, pearl.


Thank you pearl. It was just a minor setback, she was upset about other things and it just kind of got into the mix. She was joking around about it now. I’m glad I did the space thing or else I would have invaded her space. Its just been a while that I didn’t have to watch what I was saying, that I wasn’t use to it anymore.

Hi, Struggler123

It sounds like this was a minor, awkward exchange that you've done what you can to smooth over.  I'm with pearlsw.  Your instinct to give her some space is a good one.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

 I can relate and think it's great you're out there practicing by getting to know new people. 


Thank you so much for your  input.  I realized that I was so concentrated on my ex. I lost touch with reality and its time for me to get back to the way I was before all of this. So, its a start in trying to program my mind, and maybe find people that have the same mentality and emotional intelligence as me. Good luck to everyone. I still have my bad days, but I like to focus on the bigger picture.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2018, 03:11:48 PM »

Hi Struggler,

ive been flirting around and got some numbers, i can only say that ive had really great success since being with my ex, in contrast to walking on eggshells Ive went the polar opposite and ive found that honesty is such a rare commodity these days, that it initially has a "shock" value to it, but very quickly you will be admired for it (as long as it isnt done as intentionally hurtful). It is so refreshing that I re-learned to be myself, open up and not have to pre think everything before saying it, evaluating if it will be received ok.

With regards to the age thing, you just made a joke and spoke your mind, that really shouldnt be an issue with her if she feels secure about the age gap herself, I think it would have made her just wonder if you have an underlying issue with it, and trying to then ascertain out how much so. When you reassured her it was just a joke and theres nothing more to it than that, youve done all you need to do.

id personally not try to WOE about it and try to keep bringing it up, let it just fade away. Sometimes the more you try and reassure, the more it just sends the message that you are trying to convince is that you really do have an issue about it.

As shakespeare says "the gentleman doth protestest too much, methinks", too much justification for something that wasnt malicious, isnt the best way to go, in my opinion.

I havent been guilty of this, ive got some really good r/s (friends atm but feel could easily take further) and its been so refreshing to not be WOE anymore, ive polarised to the other extreme of being very open and honest, beyond the norm but always with respect and tactfulness. Its had really good results. Its why I felt so uncomfortable just reconnecting with my ex, I feel like ive had to recalibrate each time I communicate again with her as to pussyfoot around so not to set off a land mine. majority of people desire the truth, but there are those (particularly BPD) very many people cant handle the truth despite desiring it. Of course, theres being open and honest and there is being tactless, with what you said I cant see it as anything more than a friendly joke, ive said it to older women ive been with and they have felt flattered by it. depends on the person.

I think if anything it should strengthen your r/s that you felt so comfortable to say what you felt at the time and she will realise you are someone she can do the same with. I think I get what your saying though, its more about how you feel the need to reassure due to the experience with BPD than her making any real issue about it. all i can recommend is, be yourself and try to unlearn those habits. ive picked up a few unwittingly myself, I absent mindedly start mirroring people, and its because of the huge extent my ex did it with me, you pick up the same figures of speech such as "i know exactly how you feel" (one of her favourite lines), yet I find myself saying it without even meaning it, its just speech habits and i try to conciously avoid doing it.

honest guys are the good guys! best of luck
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Struggler123
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« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2018, 09:38:54 PM »

Hi Struggler,

ive been flirting around and got some numbers, i can only say that ive had really great success since being with my ex, in contrast to walking on eggshells Ive went the polar opposite and ive found that honesty is such a rare commodity these days, that it initially has a "shock" value to it, but very quickly you will be admired for it (as long as it isnt done as intentionally hurtful). It is so refreshing that I re-learned to be myself, open up and not have to pre think everything before saying it, evaluating if it will be received ok.

With regards to the age thing, you just made a joke and spoke your mind, that really shouldnt be an issue with her if she feels secure about the age gap herself, I think it would have made her just wonder if you have an underlying issue with it, and trying to then ascertain out how much so. When you reassured her it was just a joke and theres nothing more to it than that, youve done all you need to do.

id personally not try to WOE about it and try to keep bringing it up, let it just fade away. Sometimes the more you try and reassure, the more it just sends the message that you are trying to convince is that you really do have an issue about it.

As shakespeare says "the gentleman doth protestest too much, methinks", too much justification for something that wasnt malicious, isnt the best way to go, in my opinion.

I havent been guilty of this, ive got some really good r/s (friends atm but feel could easily take further) and its been so refreshing to not be WOE anymore, ive polarised to the other extreme of being very open and honest, beyond the norm but always with respect and tactfulness. Its had really good results. Its why I felt so uncomfortable just reconnecting with my ex, I feel like ive had to recalibrate each time I communicate again with her as to pussyfoot around so not to set off a land mine. majority of people desire the truth, but there are those (particularly BPD) very many people cant handle the truth despite desiring it. Of course, theres being open and honest and there is being tactless, with what you said I cant see it as anything more than a friendly joke, ive said it to older women ive been with and they have felt flattered by it. depends on the person.

I think if anything it should strengthen your r/s that you felt so comfortable to say what you felt at the time and she will realise you are someone she can do the same with. I think I get what your saying though, its more about how you feel the need to reassure due to the experience with BPD than her making any real issue about it. all i can recommend is, be yourself and try to unlearn those habits. ive picked up a few unwittingly myself, I absent mindedly start mirroring people, and its because of the huge extent my ex did it with me, you pick up the same figures of speech such as "i know exactly how you feel" (one of her favourite lines), yet I find myself saying it without even meaning it, its just speech habits and i try to conciously avoid doing it.

honest guys are the good guys! best of luck

Hello Cromwell,

That’s awesome man. It feels good to be back in the game. I mean sure I do miss her at times, but its slowly starting to fade. Oh yeah, honesty works charms in ways beyond me. I mean sure you get some of those women that are offended easily but for the most part, honesty is the best policy. Yeah; im just glad it didnt lead to a BPD scenario kidding. Honestly, your words literally described exactly what I was going through. I’ve been focusing on myself and trying to work on my self esteem. For the longest time I felt like I could never find someone like her, and thats what was bringing me down. BPD really does suck the life out of you. The one thing that always gets to me is when im trying to not think about her and subconciously she comes out of no where especially dreams. And thats something im still working on. I hope your doing better and us nons have to make ourselves better!
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Cromwell
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2018, 09:49:11 AM »

Hello Cromwell,

That’s awesome man. It feels good to be back in the game. I mean sure I do miss her at times, but its slowly starting to fade. Oh yeah, honesty works charms in ways beyond me. I mean sure you get some of those women that are offended easily but for the most part, honesty is the best policy. Yeah; im just glad it didnt lead to a BPD scenario kidding. Honestly, your words literally described exactly what I was going through. I’ve been focusing on myself and trying to work on my self esteem. For the longest time I felt like I could never find someone like her, and thats what was bringing me down. BPD really does suck the life out of you. The one thing that always gets to me is when im trying to not think about her and subconciously she comes out of no where especially dreams. And thats something im still working on. I hope your doing better and us nons have to make ourselves better!


Hey

I had the same, its because you are still thinking of her. But imagine someone gave you a pill that would guarantee that it would wipe away all memory of your ex, everything that had ever happened, as if you had never met her in the first place and you could just carry on where you started, get your sleep back. With that, you lose all the useful experience and if you would happen to come across her, like I did on the bus, you would be entering the same all over again. The memory is there just the same as the memories we have associated with other pain or dangers we have come across in life. We know not to touch the bbq grill with her hands, it just takes once to learn that and the memory is formed. Just as well we dont forget. Now im back in the fog by re-engaging with someone who I have already experienced harm from. the difficulty is unlike the bbq grill, I simultaneously remember highs of joy that she could provide. The same as addictions, harmful, yet pleasurable co-associations formed.

being with my ex was like receiving fool's gold at first. once discovering it, going into denial and saying "well, it looks nice and if I pretend its real, what difference does it make", i invested so much into it, cant bare to discard it.

rather than just admitting I made a mistake, that I received something fake, of no real value, and carrying it around is just fooling myself each day, excess weight and space filler.

my problem is trying to see the good in anything and finding it hard to discard if I feel it still has some purpose. im really struggling with detaching from her for that reason, there is the good along with the bad, except i should have been a more discerning customer and deserved better. I cant take her for a refund, kept her too long, my choice, discard is the only option but its not easy for me. I dont deserve better until I do.

i look up to you for having that strength struggler, really glad you are moving towards finding someone who meets your needs as much as you can theirs.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

having her by my side in public was the equivalent of wearing a fake branded polo shirt. your either that kind of person or your not. from the outside apperance all seems great, if only they knew how cheap the r/s was and what it was built on. only genuine articles from now on
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Struggler123
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2018, 11:05:59 AM »

Hey

I had the same, its because you are still thinking of her. But imagine someone gave you a pill that would guarantee that it would wipe away all memory of your ex, everything that had ever happened, as if you had never met her in the first place and you could just carry on where you started, get your sleep back. With that, you lose all the useful experience and if you would happen to come across her, like I did on the bus, you would be entering the same all over again. The memory is there just the same as the memories we have associated with other pain or dangers we have come across in life. We know not to touch the bbq grill with her hands, it just takes once to learn that and the memory is formed. Just as well we dont forget. Now im back in the fog by re-engaging with someone who I have already experienced harm from. the difficulty is unlike the bbq grill, I simultaneously remember highs of joy that she could provide. The same as addictions, harmful, yet pleasurable co-associations formed.

being with my ex was like receiving fool's gold at first. once discovering it, going into denial and saying "well, it looks nice and if I pretend its real, what difference does it make", i invested so much into it, cant bare to discard it.

rather than just admitting I made a mistake, that I received something fake, of no real value, and carrying it around is just fooling myself each day, excess weight and space filler.

my problem is trying to see the good in anything and finding it hard to discard if I feel it still has some purpose. im really struggling with detaching from her for that reason, there is the good along with the bad, except i should have been a more discerning customer and deserved better. I cant take her for a refund, kept her too long, my choice, discard is the only option but its not easy for me. I dont deserve better until I do.

i look up to you for having that strength struggler, really glad you are moving towards finding someone who meets your needs as much as you can theirs.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

having her by my side in public was the equivalent of wearing a fake branded polo shirt. your either that kind of person or your not. from the outside apperance all seems great, if only they knew how cheap the r/s was and what it was built on. only genuine articles from now on


I completely agree, it was a lesson and thats not what I regret. But i do at times regret the time, effort and how much I dedicated to her. I mean being available 24/7 but thats definitely on me. I chose to stick around and please her every need.  I actually really like the anaology of the bbq grill and I was exactly the same, I did everything I could. I remember I wasnt even the one that blocked her initially, I allowed her to do it because I felt like I wasnt up for the job. When that clearly didn’t work, then I resorted to my own measures although I have unblocked her since, I doubt she will be returning. I always felt like I was trying to hide some of the “weird” things she would do because I thought oh its just a phase it will go away but the truth is it never goes away. The Non-BPD just simply adapts. For the longest time I used to think what does the new guy have and then I realized, the only difference is he’s not aware that this same person was one day thinking of ending it and the next suddenly felt she was falling for him, and I closed my doors because I still hope that she remains happy and so does the new guy. Sure it will bother me but at least I can be at peace with my demons. Honestly, im still not the stage where I can discard her, but I’ve slowly grown out of the what if’s. I’ve stopped wondering if she’s happy or not, etc. I think we are the masters of our own destiny, she made her decision and thats upon her. But, why waste my life trying to fix someone that never wanted to be “fixed”, Its human psychology if you have a bad habit you work through it, BPD just blames through it. I’m sure youll be where you need to be. As for feeing that attachment. I have my off and on days, but the one thing that always helps is that I will never make anyone feel like what she did and I forgave her, with that I let go and i’m gonna stick to my decision.
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2018, 01:47:00 PM »

We were having a smooth conversation via texting and I ended up calling her my teacher jokingly.

do you recall your exact words? whats the context?
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Struggler123
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2018, 02:25:28 PM »

do you recall your exact words? whats the context?


We were talking about how i’m definitely one of those people, that gets bored easily so im a bad student. And i was like whats your excuse, your a bad teacher?

And it was all in fun.
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