Time to get my life back

[NatashaW]

Hi,
I'm the mother of a 20 year old daughter who has had severe anorexia for approx. 3.5 years. The focus has been on treating the anorexia but the diagnosis of BPD has been floating around for 2-3 years. I've just read 'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder' and I see the examples of repetitive arguments and the behavior, of both my daughter and myself, as exact replicators of our interactions. I see these behaviors as predating the anorexia and in my non-expert opinion as the fundamental cause of the anorexia and what is keeping that stuck. My doctor thinks otherwise ie the eating disorder is the main diagnosis and BPD traits a consequence of severe anorexia. All I can say, on that front, is that she doesn't live in my house and see the daily interactions.
I feel worn down and exhausted by this situation and I want to set limits with my daughter so that I have a better quality of life and not daily verbally abused and twisted around. I need insight and strength to know the right action and to be able to take that action.
Yesterday she was admitted to emergency, yet again, with life threatening complications of starvation. I had set a limit with her, about 6 months ago, that if she ended up in hospital again as a consequence of not following her meal plan that I would no longer pay her medical bills. This scares me but I know that there has to be consequences of her not complying with the requirements as determined by her doctors.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

It is time to get your life back. 

Listen, I know it's incredibly hard to find consequences let alone put them in action.  If you told her you wouldn't pay her medical bills if she neglects her health then yeah, don't pay the bills.  And it's terrifying!   But more terrifying than the unpaid medical bills is your daughter knowing you don't really mean what you say. 

Those limits you want to set can only be set if she believes you will do what you say you'll do. 

And, if you change your mind and pay the bills and decide on another consequence, I'm in your corner 100%.  I'm not here to know what to do, I'm here to tell you you're not alone, and I'm witnessing your desperate attempts to save your girls life.  Nobody seems to know exactly how to heal this mental illness. 

I've  a sister with schizophrenia.  I know what it's like to have doctor after doctor just dumbly wonder what to do.  It made me realize that were out there alone, families suffering with mental illness. 

Well I'm glad you found us.  Not as alone anymore

[Speck]

Welcome, NatashaW!



I wanted to take a moment to join Faith Spring in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I feel worn down and exhausted by this situation and I want to set limits with my daughter so that I have a better quality of life and not daily verbally abused and twisted around. I need insight and strength to know the right action and to be able to take that action.

I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your daughter. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Do you have access to therapy, yourself?

Keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Lollypop]

Hi Natasha

I just wanted to see hello and that I really admire the way you’ve reflected and then questioned your situation and of course your daughters. No one knows your daughter like you do and you love her deeply. I get it - how to be the parent she needs versus the one youve been so far. How do we know what to do for the best. How long can we go on trusting that things will get better eventually. I found myself in new territory when faced with the fact I had to change my approach and it was scary.

I got my life back. I just want to share that with you.

It started by me taking control over myself rather than me attempting and failing to control son27’s behaviour. I just couldn’t make him change.

This forum has literally changed my life and I encourage you to look around, read the posts and ask questions of others. We learn by our own mistakes and others but also from their successes.

So your daughter is 20. Do you have any other kids?

How are you doing? Finding any time at all to take care of yourself?

Hugs

LP

 

[MusicDad]

Hi Natasha,  I know exactly how you feel.  This is my post from about a week or two ago:

(My wife and I have been dealing with my son's BPD for the last five years.  Five years of drama, cutting, doctors, circular arguments, sadness, and confusion.  We have three other kids younger than our son and they have had to deal with our lives always revolving around BPD.  BPD demands attention, it typically desires all of it.  No more.  Even though my Son has abandoned his family and all of his stuff, including a car, he is still pulling all of our attention to him, and he is not even in my house.  Now it has been a month of worry that he will get hurt or hurt himself and because he has turned his back on any form of treatment, I worry he will get worse.  Well I say, NO MORE.  He is 18 yrs old now which means my wife and I did our best, and now he is making his own decisions.  I trust that God will watch over my boy, and I will trust my BPD son to make decisions for his life even if I don't agree with him.  My focus is now to take care of myself.  My attention is back to my beautiful wife and three kids that still live at home.  My family deserves to have me back.  I am making a declaration to myself and this community that today is a new day and from this moment on I am going to redirect all of my love and attention to my wife and my kids.  If BPD son ever reaches out to me for legitimate help, (anything except money), my wife and I will be there for him in a loving heartbeat.  Until then, I guess I'm trying to take back my life.)

Read through the tools and lessons on the right (Lesson 2 made the difference for me)

I am praying for you and your daughter, and your family.

[Speck]

Hello, NatashaW:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck