Just plain old hurt.

[Pencil sketch]

Hi guys, hope you are all doing well, and finding your way.
Lost track of how long it's been, and apart from sending a card, mainly for my benefit, which I will explain later, I have stayed away.
Now the initial anger and feeling of betrayal has reduced, I just feel bloody hurt.
I really thought, our time together, meant something, but now I am on the otherside, things look very different.
She told me, to go ####, someone else, and let her go, the last recycle consisted of her pushing me away.
I feel, like I never existed.
Not making much sense, have had a bad couple of days, due to work, and it impacts on my recovery.

[stixx44]

PS,

I’m so sorry you’ve been having some bad days.  I understand.  We can be feeling really strong, like we have it all under control. 

And then bam... .it whacks us upside the head again.  These down feelings tend to come in waves, I guess, and will continue until we ride them out for good.

I hope your weekend is a bit brighter.

Peace,
Stixx

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks stixx, this isn't a linear process.
The old grey matter, is having a sort out again, as you said, it does it now and again.
I think, without a doubt, how one person can be left feeling so broken, and the other, as if it never happened.
I would like to have a civil conversation with her, just a catch up, see how she is. I lived her life with her for 2 yrs, and that's hard to detach from, and I have nothing to hang onto.
She knows how loved she was, and is, and it's wasted on her.
I would sell a limb, to know sh3 felt that way about me.
Loving her, is a bloody curse.

[juju2]

Pen,

You are going to be o.k.

You found this community.


It sounds like the stages of grief.

Be gentle to you.  Kindness, gentleness.  Excellent self care.

My story is here.  Sometimes for self care, foe me, it meant I wouldn't leave the house, I just went to work and came home.  I did call supportive friends.  I did ask one of them to tell me what is good about me.  I lost myself completely in pwBPD.
I am codependent.  It did me good to find this out about myself.  Without this awareness, I couldn't do work on myself.

Hang in there.

j

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks. It's true what you say, this is self discovery. I am co-drpendant too, and am trying to see it as a strength, not weakness.
I wonder, if when memories of us pop up, how does she feel?
This stage I am really struggling with.

[Cromwell]

Hi Pencil Sketch, it saddens me to read this because I have started to feel this way recently and it is one of the things Ive had to confront since mostly getting out of the anger stage.

It is endeavouring to get into someone elses mindset that you assumed at the time you had a good idea how they felt by their outward interactions. Now it starts to doubt it all after what has happens. For me, it has became easier since trying to run myself in circles by guesswork. The truth is, how would we ever know for sure? I believe my ex just didnt have the capacity to have emotional intimacy with me, despite the times I was with her I was very much in a state of euphoria and happiness.

When I think of it that way, it makes me feel sad for her that she had spent such a considerable amount of time with someone, but couldnt reach that same level of feeling. In fact, it sort of makes sense to me now why she would often seem to sabotage those happy moments she realised I was going through. Not all, but some, so that I couldnt look back on them without there being some sort of defect to what otherwise was flawless.

So the key of how I got out of this was just to accept the fact that whilst I cant ever know for sure how she felt at times, or how she even feels now, besides guesswork, I concentrated more on my own feelings of appreciating the good times I had for what they were at that time I felt them. That I couldnt of had if I had decided to have not been with this person. As ive went NC and committed myself to this for life, it actually is of no real purpose to me what she even thinks, I couldnt care less as she has been casted out of my life. I know that she didnt want this, or at least would have preferred to be the one doing the discard, so that makes me feel a little bit better too.

It does upset me a little that the thing I feel she most wanted was love, but she couldnt lower the barriers to accept mines. Alot is down to trust, where-as I made myself vulnerable, perhaps did you too, so its why we got to experience those highs and lows where-as mines at least I believe just enjoyed my company as preferable to being with other people. I dont even feel bad about this anymore, because as I said, the love I gave was my feelings and I enjoyed doing so, I feel sorry if it turns out she couldnt reciprocate and feel that level of warmth and emotion. I wont let my thoughts now sully those good times that I had if not us.

[stixx44]

I struggle with that too.  She was never nasty to me during breakups.  It was always ended with “I love you but I can’t do this” type of statements.

I wasn’t so nice to her the last time we spoke... .I couldn’t hold my feelings back any longer, and I knew this was the real ending.  I think it took her by surprise.

I don’t keep track of her, she’s blocked from social media, I will not reach out to her.  But I also wonder if she has any good memories of us, or if my last unkind words to her are all she remembers.  I hope not.  Then I think “Why should I care?”  But I do, still. Crazy.

[Shawnlam]

Don’t feel too bad pencil sketch your aren’t alone brother.My ex is actively texting me while with someone else as we speak,I just don’t give it much thought anymore to be honest I knew it was gonna happen anyways they can’t stay alone for long.I went from plan A boyfriend to backup fall back guy( or so she thinks)  in her game plan.I have enough respect for myself to know what’s coming and not be a sap anymore.You know what’s coming and happening as well and you sir are no sap so pat yourself on the back.You know more about her than she does be proud to be that well informed ... .look upon the new guys with pity and remorse because frankly he has no f?$&en clue what’s coming.
   And for what it’s worth ,the times you had with her did mean something to her AT THAT TIME , but now  to not be alone she has to do 
Focus elsewhere .Its not about you anymore Never was my friend