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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I don't want to trigger her, but I want to go to these events  (Read 364 times)
real struggle

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 3


« on: April 16, 2018, 01:03:35 AM »

Hello All!

So, Question... .It's over with my ex BPD friend but there are events that I'd like to attend & she'll be there. I don't want to trigger her as I realize I have now become exactly that, but I want to go to these freakin' events!

The ironic thing is that I opened the door for these venues to take place. If ever I mentioned how I've helped her its always 'your throwing things in my face that you've done for me!' Its not that though, its more I love you, so I do what I can to make you happy & Im reminding you of that.

Lastly, (for now) how do you know who the real person is with these ppl? Before she went ghost, she said I dont care if you think Im a ___, Im done, its not going to work which was ironically after I showed up at an event & cleaned up when it was done. Before me, she had the diagnosis but didnt do anything with it. Two failed marriages, her eldest kid wouldn't really deal with her (blames that on her 2nd husband, not the girls father), 2nd kid is narcissistic as hell & angry behind the divorce from her 1st husband. Mind you, these ppl are Arab & mental illness is a social taboo for them. They by culture institute a very narcissistic parenting style through arranged marriages & so forth. Story is an uncle abused her as a child. She told her mom who told her to never say a word about it. She was raised here until a teen then shipped back to her parents native land for an arranged marriage to her cousin... .Theres more but I'll end there for now. Thanks for listening ppl.
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spero
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 225


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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2018, 01:34:38 AM »

Hi there "real struggle", i'd like to welcome you to the "detaching board" and this community.

I understand from your post below that you'd like to be at these events, and these events seem to be important to you. I don't have the context of the size of these events. But what would be the possibility of you bumping into her? How many participants are there going to be at the event?

If the venue is big, would be it be too difficult to be away from her while you're there?

Excerpt
Lastly, (for now) how do you know who the real person is with these ppl? Before she went ghost, she said I dont care if you think Im a ___, Im done, its not going to work which was ironically after I showed up at an event & cleaned up when it was done.

I'm not too sure if i get your question. Do you mean she seems to be presenting herself with different personalities and you don't know which of these is her true self?

Excerpt
Before me, she had the diagnosis but didnt do anything with it. Two failed marriages, her eldest kid wouldn't really deal with her (blames that on her 2nd husband, not the girls father), 2nd kid is narcissistic as hell & angry behind the divorce from her 1st husband. Mind you, these ppl are Arab & mental illness is a social taboo for them.

By diagnosis, do you mean she has been clinically diagnosed with having BPD? Her situation sounds tough, and she seems to have some trouble with relationships and seems to have some rather difficult people in her life and childhood.

So, to frame your original question. Are you thinking of a way to attend your events without being involved with her? Or do you still have the intention of being her friend?

Spero
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real struggle

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2018, 05:32:10 AM »

Ok... .She's been diagnosed. When I first met her it was through helping refugees. I sensed after some time that something was off about her. She would text me late at night with these weird sporadic messages. After some time she sent me a text to BPD definition. By then I was already hooked. She hosts many charitable events, & some are through my job that I helped arrange so the venues are rather small & personal. For instance, feeding senior citizens. To the general public she's mother theresa always posting events where ppl can give back to the community & do charitable works. I think outside of her family who dont seem to grasp the reality of what shes suffering from Im the only one who shes told. I think her ex husband knows but blames it on possession... .
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real struggle

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2018, 05:42:13 AM »

Shes' from what Ive read here high functioning BPD. Then there are times when she cant get out of bed for days on end & complains of these terrible headaches and pains that have no underlying origin. I encouraged her to go to a therapist, which she has. I even attended a session. The therapists though haven't been experienced with BPD, but have tried to help. Our relationship has been me triggering her, her cutting me on repeat for 7 months. I usually email her until she unblocks me, then we continue the cycle. After having to move back to her Dad's home (almost 40 years old) she asked her doctor to heavily medicate her & also got diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed meds for that as well. She call it her happy pills... .

Things finally ended when one night through text she insulted me so I insulted her back. She cut me off, then I showed up at an event the following weekend & she acted like she didnt really know me until the end when others weren't around. Later that night she texts me & said she doesn't care if I thought she was a bitch she's done, she doesn't want to be attacked... .
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